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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Caught DH in a lie...

146 replies

NoMoreMarbles · 12/03/2017 19:51

Ok... background first... DH and I have been married for 10 years and together for 13, 1 11yo DD...DH has a history of lying to "get out of trouble"

OP posts:
KateDaniels2 · 13/03/2017 07:02

He is a liar. Do you really 100% he is texting someone he sees everyday at work and it hasnt becine physical? How can you trust that?

He lies, cheats and then make you feel that paranoid that you sob and beg forgiveness?

Do you want to model that relationship to your dd?

You may think she doesnt know or it doesnt impact her. But it does.

I know stuff about mum and dads marriage that i shouldnt. They dont know i was awake and sat on the stairs listening to them arguing. Or picked bits of whipsered converstations.

I know both mum and dad cheated at ine point and the fallout made my childhood miserable. I was very good at pretending i didnt know any of it, that everything was fine etc.

At the end of the day its your decision. But either way your dd will be impacted. Because your dh is twat.

Aderyn2016 · 13/03/2017 07:09

Catrina, I think the difference between you and the OP, if I've read it right, is that although your h cheated more than once, you only found out the one time? And having seen how devastated you were and how much damage he'd caused, you now believe your h won't risk his relationship again? For the OP, her h knows how much he hurt her before and still did it. He has gaslighted her (which is abusive behaviour), in the full knowledge of what that means.
That is why people are saying ltb, not 'just' because he cheats (although that is reason enough ).

Proudmummytodc2 · 13/03/2017 07:24

I wouldn't tell someone to LTB because that's the choice of that person I don't feel right telling someone to leave their marriage.

But.. if it was me I would be getting him to pack his shit faster than he could say sorry and telling him to get out and I would be straight down to apply for a divorce and protecting the money available to me and DC's.

I don't tolerate lying at all. I hate it.

How could you trust him again this is the second time he's done this to you.

I'm sorry your having to go through this again.

QuiteLikely5 · 13/03/2017 07:31

This will never work out long term. He is seeking thrills elsewhere and likely always will.

Let him go.

Sunshineandlaughter · 13/03/2017 07:36

I'm sorry you are going through this.

100% something physical has happened. You need to get your head round this.

Personally I'd do some snooping! Message the girl pretending yo be him or look through his phone when he's asleep.

TheNaze73 · 13/03/2017 08:14

Leopards do not change their spots.

You deserve more than this op

Costacoffeeplease · 13/03/2017 08:20

He can't be trusted, ever

Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice...

SandyY2K · 13/03/2017 08:21

It's not a case of pack your bags and file for a divorce immediately, but it's reflecting on the kind of marriage you want, it's about knowing you can trust the man who vowed fidelity, who vowed to love and cherish you, till you are parted by death.

To a point everyone deserves a second chance, that's not to say it's wrong not to give that second chance, but you've already given him one second chance. From my experience, what often happens is the cheater gets better at hiding it.

He gets a second phone, secret email account and carries on leading a double life.

If like Carinayou were married 40 years and needed him around for support because of poor health, maybe I'd stay too, although I'd just detach emotionally, so I'd not be bothered what he did anymore.

The length of the marriage is certainly a consideration as well as children.

OP, YOU I recommend a book for your husband called me 'Not just friends' by Dr. Shirley Glass.

Another one is 'How to help your spouse heal from your affair' by Linda Macdonald.

If he is sincere (ironic I know) and truly wants to try and fix this, he'll do what you ask.

Another thing some recommended, is that if you decide to reconcile, you draw up a post nuptial agreement, where any further infidelity means you receive a higher split of the assets in the event of a divorce.

I'm not sure your husband actually realises the devastation he's caused. It's all well and good him crying, but what about your pain, your hurt and your betrayal?

This is your choice. It's your marriage, but in order to help you and the marriage, the changes must come from him. He need to to the heavy lifting and convince you he's worthy of your love.

If you rugsweep, he'll not get the magnitude of what he's done and you'll find yourself repeating the cycle.

228agreenend · 13/03/2017 08:23

If it were innocent/platonic, he would show you his phone.

It has not moved to a physical relationship, yet... . But,obviously it's a text/emotional relationship, more than just a friendship.

Sorry, for me the trust has gone.

10 kisses!

NoMoreMarbles · 13/03/2017 09:18

Thanks again for the replies Flowers

I'm definitely not going to be sweeping anything under the rug as like a PP said fool me once... the first time I had no idea how to deal with it... I accepted his apology and pleas for forgiveness and buried my head in the sand... those messages were very smutty and complaining about poor him, man with a busy, full time working wife, caring for a toddler and never any time for him and his needs etc what a prick! It's very early in this situation this time and the power is now in my hands so naturally I'm terrified of making a decision that I can't reverse.

I have told him that there is a time limit for changes and I will not forgive and forget about it so easily. DD has her SATs in may and the holiday is right after so for now that will be the decider if things are still sour by then, then he will be finding somewhere else to live.

I have also insisted that he tells his family what he has done as it will not be a secret that I will keep for him again. This was another "please no" begging incident but I will not be the bad person in the relationship.

I'm not sure if I'm right or wrong in what I'm doing but I think making him face his behaviour is as good a place as any to start. Like another poster said - if he refuses to do what I need to try and fix it then he is obviously not going to change...

OP posts:
ScrambledSmegs · 13/03/2017 09:24

How can you be sure he's telling you the truth now?

Mumfun · 13/03/2017 09:31

Take control and make sure he has consequences. I can understand you not wanting to upset DD and her SATs but dont go on holiday with him. Thats gone for now. He has to move out after SATs for a couple of months until you decide what you want.

The whole current relationship has gone -he destroyed it.

If you are to have a relationship in the future it will be a new one on your terms. If you slide back into the existing relationship he will just do exactly the same to you again.

And make sure he told his family the whole story. He sure as didnt tell you the whole story

I found my H out in lies and it was the start of slippery slope . Which ended in divorce. I dont think your H is trustworthy but its your life!

NoMoreMarbles · 13/03/2017 09:58

I don't know if I can ever trust him again... he has broken everything I thought we had built... I have told him that I will be there when he speaks to his family so there will be no chance of him skimming over it all... I've told him that either he tells them or I will... he was horrified that it won't be his little dirty secret. He is the family's golden boy and can do no wrong usually.

OP posts:
SusannahL · 13/03/2017 12:19

Op, please do not have another child with this man. That would be a massive mistake.

You know in your heart of hearts that you can't trust him, or believe anything he says, don't you?

SandyY2K · 13/03/2017 14:08

I think it's a good thing regarding telling his family and in case they think you're overreacting, because some parents defend blindly, you should consider telling them, this isn't the first time.

Lynnm63 · 13/03/2017 14:32

Sats? That's yr6 isn't it? They are only massively important for the school not your dd unless you need good sats to get into a good school. Both my ds are at selective schools but I couldn't tell you what score they got in their yr 6 sats.

He must have consequences for his actions and telling his family is a good one. It means you know he's not telling them you are cheating or donething else so if the marriage fails he isn't the bad guy.

So sorry about your miscarriages but I don't see a second child will be good for either of you at the moment. Mind you I don't think I'd be able to shag him at the moment with this hanging over the relationship.

NoMoreMarbles · 13/03/2017 17:22

The second child is totally off the table now. I feel sick just the idea of allowing him to touch me.

I have told my family and our friends what has happened (one or two of which I had confided in when I first had suspicions...) and I have been surprised by the volume of support and offers to give him a good punch (Grin violence isn't the answer obviously but it's nice to know the support is there!) we are dropping DD at her dance class at 6:30 then heading straight to his parents house so he can speak to them. He is mortified that it is one of the conditions but I could care less about his uncomfortable conversation feelings as it needs to be in the open so everyone knows what he has done

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 13/03/2017 17:48

It's always good to shine the light on affairs. They thrive in the darkness.

DevelopingDetritus · 13/03/2017 17:48

I like this quote: Hurt me once, shame on you, hurt me twice, shame on me.
And this: If someone shows you who they are, believe them - Maya Angelou

dontcallmethatyoucunt · 13/03/2017 17:54

OP, I'd be a bit wary of outing to the in laws. My DH did something and it was my reaction to tell. I didn't in the end (advice off here) and on reflection I'm pleased I didn't.

Good luck. X

dontcallmethatyoucunt · 13/03/2017 17:55

.. unless you're leaving that is.

PickledCauliflower · 13/03/2017 17:57

I am sorry that you have had such a shitty time from this man.
Will him telling his family really make any difference to the situation? He had a second chance and blew it.

I think the issue is how he has treated you, the hurt he has caused you and the trust that has been broken.

I wouldn't be able to trust him, and I wouldn't want to be with somebody when the trust has gone.

PickledCauliflower · 13/03/2017 17:59

As don'tcallme said, I would want his family to know why we were splitting up.
If you are not asking him to leave, why do his family need to know?

Bananamanfan · 13/03/2017 18:05

Well done, op. I agree it's best to have everything out in the open before he can rewrite history. Wish I'd had the balls to do that.

DesertSky · 13/03/2017 18:05

OP I'm sorry you are going through this Sad
Do you think that in a way somehow by making him confess to his parents it's a way of publically shaming him and a way of you trying to get some 'control' back? Are you hoping that if his family know and are disgusted by him etc then it would prevent him from doing the same again? It may work in the short-term, but long-term I don't know. He could just try to cover his tracks 100 x more in the future.
I hope you manage to do what's best for you. It's so hard when trust is broken, I truly feel for you. Take care xx

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