Caught DH in a lie...

[NoMoreMarbles]

Ok... background first... DH and I have been married for 10 years and together for 13, 1 11yo DD...DH has a history of lying to "get out of trouble"

[PickledCauliflower]

Out in the open (to friends and family) but giving him another chance?

I would find that difficult. I would be more inclined to tell my nearest and dearest after he packed.

[PickledCauliflower]

I suppose what I am trying to say, is that if he was ever capable of change - it needed to be for you. Not because he has disgraced his parents.

I hope you are ok. I'm not in your shoes but can imagine how awful it is.

[AllllGooone]

You don't deserve this op, it's such a horrible way to live. Lying, cheating pricks don't deserve happiness.

[psmith12]

Has he shown you his phone yet without deleting the messages? If not, then he clearly isn't prepared to do what you need him to do to regain trust and you should absolutely assume that it was physical.

Be very careful of making excuses for not confronting him on these tough issues now. With every day that passes, the less likely that you will summon up the strength to do anything about this.

[SorrelSoup]

I'd be wary of assuming that the in laws will be on your side. They'll more than likely be outraged at first and then brush it under the carpet. They could also close ranks against you. Mothers and sons...

[Sunshineandlaughter]

Sorrel soup - agree actually.

Op he's been cheating you, more than once, why don't you just walk away? How many more times will it need to happen before you leave?

I would tell the inlaws myself personally, without him there. Just quietly say 'I'm not sure if you know but...' I just wanted to explain so you can understand what was going on betwerm us.

[Jazzywazzydodah]

once a cheat always a cheat

Your kidding yourself if you think this won't happen again. He lies to you because he thinks your stupid enough to believe his shit.

I spent too long with a compulsive liar, would be adamant he was telling the truth even if I KNEW he was lying. A compulsive liar and a sociopath are very very similar.

Be careful

[NoMoreMarbles]

I am very much in the take things one day at a time frame of mind right now... I felt it was important to me that he admitted to his family what he has been up to- all of it as I'm not prepared any more to carry on a charade and hide his lies and betrayal in front of them. Rightly so, he was mortified and his parents were not impressed in the slightest. I'm wary that they may brush it under the carpet in their own way but it's out there now and they have been advised that he might still be out on his arse if I can't see past this.

I admit to being blinkered the first time- DD was only small and I felt so bad about myself that I guess I blamed me instead of him. He had very little by way of consequence then and carried on like it had never happened and even tried to minimise it when it was brought back to light. I told his parents about it during the course of the conversation- he is (truthfully or not) contrite and is making all of the "right" steps and has said he will do whatever it takes (Marriage counselling was mentioned as something he would attend if I decided it was necessary)

It's all pie in the sky whether this will help and at least for the next 6-8 weeks I feel like I can't make any huge decisions for the sake of DD... whether or not her SATs are important in the long run, she has worked bloody hard to catch up (health issues meant she fell really far behind and has struggled massively to regain what she missed and I can't bare to sweep the rug from under her feet too

I'm struggling a quite a bit with conflicting feelings... on the one hand, i HATE him and what he has done but, I have gone to him for a hug whenever I was in a bad situation for 13 years and I love him (the 'him' I knew I think...) and miss him so badly even though he is physically in the room with me... I'm a bit lost without what I had before...

[Paperdoll16]

Hi OP, I've been going through exactly what you are (four months down the road for me!). I threw my H out for a week and smashed up hid phone (wrong I know but at least it wasn't him 🙊).

He said it was the biggest realisation of his life. He self reflected and knew that he could lose his family from what he had done.

Is your H still at home? Still staying in the bed? (I know you slept on the sofa the first night- I hope that's not the case still?).

I get that you didn't want to protect him this time- by telling the immediate family etc (I did that too and it's helped no end with them appreciating that we haven't been our usual selves over Xmas etc) but what more have you put in place to show him that he may have lost you and his security/ family over his selfish ego stroking actions?

What about the fact that he still works with her?? They've been talking for a few months and I'm sorry but by adding ten plus kisses on a text only shows someone that you like them A LOT!

It sounds like you will forgive him, but you're telling him you need time to decide etc.. please make him feel how you are otherwise I fear that you will be in this situation in another few years...

I still haven't put my wedding ring back on. He knows I'm absolutely serious. I've never seen such a change in him in all my life.
Big hugs to you as I know how lonely these first few days and weeks feel. You may want him for a hug but just remind yourself what he sent to her. Keep him at arms length for now as he needs to know you are NOT a doormat!

[Sunshineandlaughter]

Op the title of this thread is telling - you haven't caught him in a lie , you've caught him cheating. If you stay with him, stay with him knowing all he has done - don't minimise it as just texting.

[Sunshineandlaughter]

You are doing the right thing pacing things for your daughter though.

[NoMoreMarbles]

Thanks

paperdoll were there any specific things you felt you needed from your DH? I haven't thrown him out as I don't want DD to notice anything is amiss but he has slept on the couch... I'm refusing any physical contact at all and no I love you's as I can't face it... this has been hard as we say it daily and always have so it's weird not saying it but I feel he habitually says it and I can't understand how it can be said (and supposedly meant!) and all the time he is sharing little secret messages with another woman... he is mobile for his job and doesn't see her daily but he might speak to her for his emergency call outs (electrician)... I have (rightly or wrongly) checked his email accounts and Facebook (now deactivated) and have not asked again to see his phone- I have been on the verge once or twice. I don't know what else I want but I'm really glad I insisted that he was honest with everyone as it doesn't just affect me if he has to leave!

[PickledCauliflower]

I think he needed to show you the messages. The content of those messages would very likely to have revealed if he has slept with her or not.
If it was just messaging, he could have backed that up by letting you see the texts.
I would be very wary.

[Aderyn2016]

At the very least, he needs to get a new job. I honestly don't see any way forward while he still has contact with ow. It's all very well him werping snd wailing about how sorry he is but actions are what matter, not words - he has to do what is difficult and inconvenience himself by having to start over in a new job and actually prove that he wants to make your marriage work. And he has to do it knowing that even then you might decide to leave him anyway. How much is he really willing to do?

As an aside, deactivating fb is not the same as deleting and can be reactivated at any timem

[NoMoreMarbles]

I have come over in a rage! I am about to send a message to the OW- please talk me down

[BeMorePanda]

I don't blame you at all for being angry!!! Highly justified.

maybe better to text OW when you are calmer though (or not). But not now - it you your H who needs to see and fell your anger - rage at him.

Can you bash anything perhaps? Power walk/run it off?

[Aderyn2016]

No don't text her. He is the one who owes you explanations and honesty and respect.
Don't let that bitch know she has hurt you. Texting her gives her power.

[BonnyScotland]

this is just too cruel.... I really hope your daughter does well in her sats.. this is such a difficult time for her.. and here you are trying to keep a lid on everything...

stay strong and be kind to yourself x

[xStefx]

if you want to message her then message her, I would be letting her know this dribbling mess of a crying cheating twat is sayin he is now sorry but unfortunately you cant trust a word he says and would like the truth from her if she is woman enough?

stay strong Op, hope your ok x

[NoMoreMarbles]

I have written this (not sent it yet...)

Hello. I'm sure you know who I am and you know exactly what I am messaging you about...

I want to know what has been going on between you and S. I obviously know some of what he has said when he was caught on Saturday and he is lying for the most part regarding his and your feelings for each other. I'm not bothered what your actions have been as you have no loyalty to me- you only know what he has told you about me- no doubt more lies... I need to know how far this little thing between you has gotten... definitely more than platonic going by the millions of kisses on each message I saw.

I'm livid with him, we have been married for 10 years, have a daughter, a mortgage and I thought we were happy... we were trying for another baby again since January this year... so he's definitely been having his cake and eating it too!

He is basically refusing to give me any details of what happened although I know it all started when you split with your boyfriend in October (he's lied about this too and had said it was all you and he's the innocent person out of the two as you instigated everything and he just went along with it for the thrill of getting attention from someone other than his wife. )

I'm not sure whether to even send it and I have text H and told him to get home from work- I had gone into work and came home at lunchtime as I kept randomly bursting into tears at my desk

I have packed a bag for him in my rage before but I'm still undecided about whether to make him leave or not...

[xStefx]

Send it if you want to, I would add that if karma is a real thing that actually doing the right thing and telling you the truth would sway well in her favour.

Also, could you call her bluff and say he told me he has been sleeping with you? See if she confirms or denies it

Doesn't sound like youll get answers from him and sounds like you need them so send it if you want OP

[MadeForThis]

Send it if it makes you feel better. But will you really trust anything she says?

[Sunshineandlaughter]

send it - you have nothing to lose

[BonnyScotland]

I think the text message sounds very controlled .. fair and actually way kinder than I would have sent... but diplomatic and calm will get you farther ... I agree with the others. if it makes you feel better then hit Send.. she might reply she might not... but you will have made sure she now knows you know.. x

[AgathaF]

The ball's in your court, not his. Send it if it makes you feel better. Don't believe a word she says though. And know that she will almost definitely contact him for what to say to you before she replies. If she replies.