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Original poster

Girlfriend won't marry me or double-barrel our son's name.

151 replies

drmarcus · 12/03/2017 14:59

Our son is due next month. We are not married. I'd really like my surname to be included too but she won't have that. I would also like to marry her and offered to take her name but she doesn't want to marry? I'm beginning to wonder if she has other motives :( does this behaviour sound odd to you at all?

OP posts:
Kr1stina · 13/03/2017 18:03

Traditionally, babies born to single women have the mothers surname.

So maybe she likes tradition.

Maybe she is worried about upsetting her family by giving her baby a different surname.

Maybe she afraid her unique and special family name will die out.

Maybe she's worried about travelling abroad with her son if he has a different name.

Maybe she wants to have the same name as him to show they are a family.

Maybe your name is too common or too unusual or too hard to spell.

Maybe she doesn't like your foster mother and / or her name.

Maybe she doesn't want to be reminded of your past.

These are all reasons I've read here on MN for people choosing a certain surname for their child.

mrsmuddlepies · 13/03/2017 18:22

I would still strongly advise you to talk to a trustworthy friend, to your foster mother or a student welfare officer. There has been a lot of progress in supporting 'looked after children' as they become adults and in spite of your amazing academic achievements, you will probably need support and guidance as you become a parent yourself. Family status for you and your son is bound to be incredibly important to someone with your history. Your GF needs to recognise this and be understanding in making you feel part of your new family.
Again, ignore posters who try and put you down. You sound like you will be a wonderful father.

Christmasnoooooooooooo · 13/03/2017 18:50

I read this all and name you fighting is your foster mum name not a name that is biological yours .
Why fight not a 1st name that means something to you .
Or when you get married change every one surname to a new one for all of you

greeeen · 13/03/2017 19:15

I think she is being unreasonable and selfish not to double barrel. I would definitely make sure your name is on the birth certificate but don't think that just because she is being selfish about the names it means she has any plans to leave you etc. Not wanting to marry is totally reasonable. You could change your name by deed poll to your names double barrelled? Then you're not giving up your name but also have your child's name.

JoJoSM2 · 13/03/2017 19:23

Clearly the foster name is the one that the OP identifies with and chooses to have...

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 13/03/2017 19:32

I can see why you might be upset, but also don't think she is being unreasonable-the reverse situation occurs everyday without a raised eyebrow doesn't it. Wouldn't it be best to show her over the next few years that you're reliable and involved and look to marry and/or resolve surnames further down the line if it all works out?

creativevoid · 13/03/2017 19:38

I think this is pretty strange behaviour by your girlfriend. It does sound as though you are making all the compromises. Despite what the internet warriors are telling you, it is completely normal for two parents in a loving, committed relationship to both have a say in naming their baby - first, middle and surnames. I wonder whether your background, which sounds like it was difficult and complicated, means you are uncertain about where appropriate boundaries are and what is normal/reasonable in a relationship. I say this because I had a challenging upbringing and it has profoundly affected my choices in relationships and meant I accepted treatment that others would not have. I second a previous poster's recommendation that you speak with a trusted person - your foster mother, for example - and get honest input on what they think of your relationship and the best way forward.

GreenPeppers · 13/03/2017 19:42

christmas I'm finding your post offensive and I'm not even the OP.

Clearly, If the OP has decided to change his name to the one of his foster mum, there is a good reason for it. This is THE family that has any meaning to him, the one that has brought him up and the one he feels related to.
Saying that that name has no real meaning for him is ... well...

SandyY2K · 13/03/2017 19:55

I think it's odd. Others will disagree, but this isn't about them.

I think you have a problem with a woman who won't compromise. I also think this could be a problem in your relationship. Are you sure this is someone you want to spend the rest of your life with.. Because I actually do think she has a reason for what she's saying.

I don't think you should change your name by deed poll either.

It's like she thinks she has more right over your child than you do.

Is she like this in other aspects of your relationship?

stitchglitched · 13/03/2017 20:27

What is odd is that a woman giving her child her surname is viewed with such suspicion when the reverse scenario happens all the time and nobody bats an eyelid. Several posters on this thread have said that their children have their father's surname. Even the poster who had a mutually respectful discussion where they had equal say still ended up with child having the father's name. Are these men plotting something?

JoJoSM2 · 13/03/2017 20:55

stitchglitched, plotting what? If people have a grown-up discussion and agree, then that's fine regardless of whose name the child takes. The problem is with OP's GF who is unwilling to compromise and specifically doesn't want the child's name anything to do with the OP.

scottishdiem · 13/03/2017 21:41

I think it is odd to exclude a child from their fathers name, especially when the father is willing to make adjustments to include mothers name.

This thread is also where the general advice to women with children worried about their partners not wanting to marry came to die. 100% of the threads I have seen have said that women should marry for rights including the house and finance. Here we have people saying that this is not required now.

kel1493 · 13/03/2017 21:49

I always said if I was serious with the dad, I'd give the baby his name if we weren't married.
(We were trying for a baby, and had also agreed that we wanted to get married one day. When we found out I was pregnant, we both agreed it was important to us to be married before the baby was born, so we had a 3 month engagement and got married before lo came along. I also always knew I'd take my husbands surname when we got married).
Though as I said, even if we wasn't married at the time, I'd still of given the baby the dads name.
If she doesn't want to get married or take your name that's up to her. But I do think it's wrong that she isn't prepared to give your child your name.

Emboo19 · 13/03/2017 22:07

But why is it wrong kel, fair enough it's how you wanted to do things.
I on the other hand, don't want to marry and don't want to change my name, and I knew when I had children they would have my surname. If I'd planned children, any future father would have to be ok with that!

If she's not willing to talk to him about her reasons or offer some compromise, that's not good.
But wanting baby, to have her name is no more wrong than a father wanting it. And I don't think it has to mean she's planning on excluding him from the child's life completely!

Starlight2345 · 13/03/2017 22:22

This has been asked a few times but you haven't answered...

Have you asked her why and what did she say?

SoulAccount · 13/03/2017 22:39

Drmarcus, I think she is being unreasonable. Any woman in your position would be supported in a wish to have her own name as part of her child's name, and either double barrelling or including your name as one of the middle names would be perfectly reasonable. She is not being reasonable.

As others have said, making sure you are in the birth certificate is crucial.

She decided when to have the baby, she is unilaterally deciding the name.... maybe a conversation about give and take? Maybe some couples counselling? If she won't talk openly with her if you ask?

Sint · 14/03/2017 00:24

Emboo
I on the other hand, don't want to marry and don't want to change my name, and I knew when I had children they would have my surname. If I'd planned children, any future father would have to be ok with that!

I don't think there is anything wrong with that as long as you tell any future father beforehand.

SandyY2K · 14/03/2017 00:45

It seems like things happen on her terms in this relationship. You weren't ready for a baby and but she was and it had to happen.

Why wasn't marriage discussed before planning the pregnant and you'd have known her views on it.

Sadly, I think if you and her should split, you won't see your child for dust. She's being very calculated and taking advantage of you /your nature.

People know what they can try and with whom they can try it. Unfortunately, that's life and please ignore the posters who are deliberately being nasty. They know who they are.

From here on in, I can see you'll have no say in the nursery, the school or any other major things in your child's life.

I knew a man in your position, he was a Doctor too. It didn't end well for him, because she was a user. I hope you have a better ending, but her control and dominance is evident to me from what you've said and I agree that she's waking all over you.

It's all well calculated, but I suspect you just can't see it.

GardenGeek · 14/03/2017 00:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kel1493 · 14/03/2017 21:24

For the person who asked me why, because I feel the father should also have a say in the name of his child.

TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 14/03/2017 21:31

Devils advocate here: Are you sure this baby is yours? That could be the reason why she doesn't want you invested?

StVincent · 15/03/2017 06:33

Blimey, that's a bit of a leap isn't it?

With some posters there's some dark and ancient shit about the father's right to name the child in their image - and if that right is called into question apparently he's not a proper parent? Either the baby isn't his or she doesn't want him involved and he should be on guard.

If women behaved this way about the totally arbitrary traditional of men handing on their surnames half the relationships in the country would be disintegrating as we speak. Has anyone, ever, said: "If Pete doesn't want the baby to have a double-barrel name maybe he doesn't think you're going to be a good parent and you should watch for him applying for full custody?" (I know it's not called that now, whatever, it's early.)

For the 100th time on this thread: has she told you why she'd prefer just to use her name? I mean for goodness sake, maybe she just thinks the OP's name is not very nice, or a kid called that bullied her at school, or she thinks double-barrelling is stupid. Maybe she just likes really short names?!

I feel sorry for this woman, she's living with her partner and having their baby and people are acting like she's the queen of control and not to be trusted.

ElisavetaFartsonira · 15/03/2017 12:15

Make sure you're present at the registration of your child's birth, so that your name goes on the cert.

Although even that wouldn't actually guarantee his name being entered, as it is still the mother's decision when they're unmarried. He could be there, and if she doesn't want him on the BC, he won't be, and would have to apply to a court for an order.

I sympathise, but this is the sort of thing to discuss before TTC. The relationship circumstances into which a child is born dictate which parent has more power over these things, regardless of what anyone thinks on the matter. If they can't compromise (which a double barrel certainly isn't if one party doesn't want it) then as an unmarried mother, it's all her. If they were married, both parents would have equal rights to register the baby and in reality the first one to the registry office would likely be the father.

With that in mind, anyone with particularly strong views about the inclusion of their own surname would do well to make sure their marital status allows them to exercise them.

HarmlessChap · 15/03/2017 14:58

It seems very bizarre and I understand that you find it unnerving.

She is adamant that she wants to exclude you from anything to do with the name of her child; are you 100% certain that you are the father?

That would be my worry and if I had the slightest doubt I would want a DNA test.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 16/03/2017 22:10

Christ alive.

I'm just off to ring my mum and check I'm actually her child I may even ask for a DNA test because the manipulative bitch didn't use her name when my surname was chosen

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