Girlfriend won't marry me or double-barrel our son's name.

[drmarcus]

Our son is due next month. We are not married. I'd really like my surname to be included too but she won't have that. I would also like to marry her and offered to take her name but she doesn't want to marry? I'm beginning to wonder if she has other motives :( does this behaviour sound odd to you at all?

Sounds like she can't compromise and sees the baby as entirely hers.
By refusing to marry means she has more power, and you less. She knows this!

I think this is a bit strange to be honest. I totally respect that she might not want to get married for manifold reasons, but having a baby together is a big commitment and I would expect a discussion about surnames to be a proper dialogue. I kept my name when I got married, DS has husband's because we discussed a variety of combinations in a non-combative and flexible away - I'd expect the same in your case.

Make sure you're present at the registration of your child's birth, so that your name goes on the cert.

Does she have her own father's surname?

Good advice above.
Does she think marriage is expensive? We married on a weekday in a church in white etc with a sit down meal for 22 people mostly relatives and it was fine (and very cheap compared with many weddings). If you m arry before the baby is born it won't be illegitimate. If you are medical student you are likely to earn more than she does ultimately so it would be in her financial interests to marry yuou surely. Are their religious or cultural reasons why she won't marry?

The name doesn't matter you could change yours to hers fairly easily.

Why would you want to marry her?

Maybe she doesn't like your name. A lot of Mumsnetter say that have weird names that they don't want to pass on to their children.

Maybe she doesn't like double barrelled names.

Maybe she just wants to give her child her name. I assume that one of your parents gave you their name - do you think they were odd?

What about your GF - didn't she get her name from one of her parents ? Are they odd or do they have other motivations ?

I'm quite confused by the basic premise of your post , because every single person I know ( bar one ) has the same surname as one of their parents . And I don't think that makes them odd or having another motivation.

Or do you actually mean that it's odd when women start to do what men have done for centuries . And that it's not about oddness or strange motivations, it's about male entitlement ?

Are you getting a say in any of the childs names?

@Kr1stina you're taking this really quite out of proportion. I don't agree with children just having their dad's name. I think it's unreasonable for children to just use a man's name, so yeah, I think it's unreasonable to completely shove me out. I have been very kind about her choices WRT the baby and hate her dad's name but would never say she can't use it, he has passed away and I don't have any family to honour really, apart from my foster mum, but she is still here and we are having a little boy. I think my surname (which is my foster mum's surname, but still means an awful lot to me) could be used as a middle name or double-barrelled yes. And I would say that about every female's surname too (as I don't believe in unequal rights) it's a bit harsh to dump all men into the same category as thinking they have a male privilege.

In Portugal it's the norm to have 2 surnames usually more. They find it bizarre that children in England don't.

Well, as the baby was planned and you reckon you're in a good relationship, it does seem a bit odd, yes, that she won't entertain getting your name in there somehow. I take it you didn't discuss surnames/marriage before planning this baby but assumed she would act differently?

As you are unmarried, there's very little you can do regarding the baby's name, but you should try to ensure you are at least on the birth certificate as that will make life a lot easier for you in terms of enforcing your parental rights. I suppose you've already tried to discuss with her why both of your preferred naming conventions are so important to you and yet nothing?

(If I were an unmarried pregnant woman, I would be reluctant to give the baby the father's surname too. However, if the baby was planned and the father's surname meant a lot to him because it was his foster mum's surname, I would look at incorporating it as a middle name, unless it did sound awful. I don't think you're unreasonable hoping for that.)

I wonder if there's something else going on... Either your relationship isn't as rosy as you think it is, or perhaps this new life has triggered her grief over losing her dad? Maybe he would have advised her to use their surname for a new baby and she's trying to follow what she thinks he would have wanted?

I think she is being unreasonable. I think a double-barrel surname would be fair as it would include both parents' names. I can see why you would suspect other motives: she doesn't want to get married and doesn't want the baby to have your name. It sounds like she wants to keep her options open and doesn't really want to commit to you long term.

I think she is being unreasonable. If this is a planned pregnancy then she was quite happy to let you father a baby with her and yet she won't even negotiate with you on names?

It is a joint responsibility, to name the child. Yes, compromises sometimes have to be made - but one would expect to have one's view heard, acknowledged (and possibly dismissed but only after due consideration).

I have one son (unplanned) who has his father's surname and we were never married. (born 1989)

I have a son and daughter who have their father's name and I married him, so we all have the same name, even though we are no longer together.

Strikes me as a very hard line to be taking and I would be unhappy, too. I do hope you and she can resolve it. Having a baby mainly amplifies weak spots in relationships, it doesn't tend to resolve them.

I don't think it really matters what we think about it.

You have to communicate with your gf about this, and as she seems quite determined not to mary you and not to put your name in the baby's name, then I suggest you ring a family mediator to help you come to a solution which works for you both.

Fwiw, living with your gf a few nights a week, doesn't mean you have a nice little home, it means you stay at hers for a few days a week and she lives there all the time.

TBH you're coming across as a bit weird about this, and I'm not sure you really appreciate that she doesn't have to do anything you say. And that's the law.
She doesn't have to put you on the baby's birth certificate if she doesn't want to, you do realise this don't you? It's her choice.

I would ring a family mediator without delay to help you find a solution which suits you all. There's really no point in asking randoms on the internet for advice. About half will say one thing and half the other.

You could flip a coin a few times for the same result.

If you are looking for a real solution it would be good to ring a family mediator and listen to your girlfriend.

Has it occurred to you she may not want you in her life? You are both quite young, and I sense you've not had many relationships?

You need to find out what you want for your future, and what she wants for hers, and come to an agreed settlement.

It may be unreasonable, but if she won't budge she won't budge.

Perhaps she has strong ideas about the name because her DF died?

@Underbeneathsies no, you have that completely wrong. It's my home and she lives there, and we both live there, but I I'm currently training, I am out a lot due to this, it's bloody demanding and some nights I have to crash at my friends (as in 2 nights) a week. It's our house.

I have also already said I know it's your choice. I don't know why you're being horrible? 🤔 I actually already said she is the one that wanted a baby right now, I wanted to wait until I had finished and qualified, but for some reason a lot of you want to make out like I'm the enemy? It's really harsh.

Anyway, I was looking for a little advice but I think some are being a bit spiteful for no reason.

I think she needs to explain her reasons for not wanting your surname either double barrelled or as an extra middle name. It's fine to have her dad's name and yours as middle names. It's not a daily occurrence to say your whole name to people.
I think it's fine to not be married, perhaps if it was important to you it should have been discussed before though.
I have a friend who has one kid with her name and one kid with her partners name. A bit weird but it works for them.
Maybe ease off until the baby is born, she may be anxious about it and it might affect her viewpoint. Once your baby is here she may well change her mind.

Drmarcus-there are alot of posters on mn who are mean for the sake of it. I think it makes them feel clever for a moment. That's why I rarely start threads. You can get ripped into for no reason. Plus you are a man......
There are an awful lot of nice supportive people out there too.
You haven't done anything wrong and you sound lovely.

I don't think you're weird OP. I feel the same sympathy I would for a woman who came on here and said her partner refuses to marry her and wouldn't want to give the baby her name.

I think she's out of order frankly. And I think you should realise that if she's willing to be this inflexible about something so important to you about a child that belongs to both of you, then it does not bode well for the long-term future. I think having this baby together was not a wise decision.

Sorry nothing uplifting to add save make sure you're there at the registration.

You sound like a really caring and committed partner. My overwhelming feeling with this is that it's your baby too, not just hers.

I think the name is probably one of the most important early decisions you make together as parents and how you do that sets a precedent for things to follow.

I also lost my DF and my DC have his name, but I can't imagine any circumstances under which my DH wouldn't have any say in the decision. How did she cope with his loss, did they have a good relationship?

Despite having a clearly well thought out life at present, you're both still very young and I would urge you to think as carefully now about how you make decisions as the decisions you actually take.

if I were you I would also be questioning her view of the partnership.

I'm going to be really honest and say I didn't want to marry my DP or double barrel our daughters name because I wasn't sure what kind of a dad he would be, he had a history of being a bit flaky so I didn't want her attached to him if he was going to leave or be a shit dad. I know it's not a nice thought but from what you've sad in previous posts (not properly living together) it might be that? She might not be sure you're going to be a good dad yet?

Could she be a bit worried, that you didn't 100% want a baby, that you might not stick around?
It does seem unreasonable if she's not even willing to discuss options with you or explain why she's so adamant on her decision.

Have you asked if you could use your surname as an additional middle name alongside her fathers? Or would you feel happy if your first name was used, so you feel a connection that way?

Also, my DP proposed twice while I was pregnant so I felt that was the only reason he wanted to get married. Maybe that's what she feels too?

Thanks for the reassuring comments.

@Neverknowing the thing is, we went for that house because of the location (it's closest to her mum) but where I am at med school it's too far to drive if I'm absolutely exhausted, that's the only reason I will stay at my friends or something because of the drive and if I have been on placement or something, it wouldn't be safe to drive home. I do that because I'm committed to the relationship.

Actually I think its totally ok for you to want to have your surname included for your DC name, just as it would be totally normal for her name to be incl and not just yours.
So yes I would be annoyed at that.

Re marriage, I can also see why it looks strange. Surely, having a child is already a big commitment to each other so why not a marriage.

I suppose that the answer is (as always?) you need to talk to her and ask her why she doesn't want to get married (yet?). It might be that she has a huge issue with the idea of marriage but I would also have expected you to have talk about it a long time ago, before a marriage became a more pressing issue iyswim.