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Original poster

Girlfriend won't marry me or double-barrel our son's name.

151 replies

drmarcus · 12/03/2017 14:59

Our son is due next month. We are not married. I'd really like my surname to be included too but she won't have that. I would also like to marry her and offered to take her name but she doesn't want to marry? I'm beginning to wonder if she has other motives :( does this behaviour sound odd to you at all?

OP posts:
Bizzysocks · 13/03/2017 00:06

Is it possible she thinks you have only asked her to marry you because she is pregnant and she wants to wait until she is sure it is a genuine proposal.

mrsmuddlepies · 13/03/2017 00:07

You did name call others, Kristina. You called posters who disagree with your views 'handmaidens'. I have reported your post.

GatoradeMeBitch · 13/03/2017 00:12

you need to stand up for yourself. She's walking all over you.

We should bear in mind we are talking about a heavily pregnant young woman whose only crime is that she wants her baby to have her name. How many men have refused to double barrel because they want the baby to just have their name?

ilovelamp82 · 13/03/2017 00:16

Have you asked her why she won't take your name, whether it be double barrelled or a second middle name? Has she actually given you a particular reason?

StVincent · 13/03/2017 00:42

I so agree Gator.

DrMarcus - it's possible that you have no idea how often women are in the situation you're in now. How many women do you know who have their own original surname and share that name with their child? It's still very much "the norm" for a father to expect to give a kid their surname and theirs alone - I actually know one couple who nearly broke up about this on the eve of their wedding! For the record, I think this is totally ridiculous - as, clearly, do you. This is just to explain why some of the women on here are a bit Hmm about why when a woman acts like so many men do it's suddenly "cheeky" or "bossy" or "walking all over you". One poster even said: "why have a child with someone you aren't willing to include in the surname that's just weird!" But that's a decision lots of men make every day of the week!

I think you have to approach your girlfriend in a loving way and try to find out more about why she's dead set on giving the child her surname and not allowing yours in. You'll probably learn something if you truly hear her out and listen without arguing (however tempting). I don't think its necessarily a bad sign for your relationship at all, she lives with you, is having your child! The name when it comes down to it is an issue but there are more definite ways to express doubts about the relationship like, er, moving out or breaking up with you or not having a baby with you! Maybe you need to relax a bit and have faith in her.

BubblingUp · 13/03/2017 01:03

I wonder if it's because you are using your foster mom's surname?

Kr1stina · 13/03/2017 01:13

You said you have been with your GF since 6th form, so at that time you must have been using another surname. Because you could only change your surname to your foster mothers once you were no longer in care as social services would not permit a FC to do that.

So I can see that your GF might feel that the name she has had all her life is a better choice from her child than the one you took, what 7 years ago at most.

And it's not even the name she has always known you by.

Your situation is somewhat unusual.

Original poster
drmarcus · 13/03/2017 01:37

@Kr1stina that's incorrect. WRT my surname and SS it was far more complicated and not as black and white as "it can only be changed at 18"

OP posts:
BlinkyT · 13/03/2017 01:42

OP, I know it's tempting but I wouldn't bother responding to posters if they are being unpleasant for the sake of it.

EnormousTiger · 13/03/2017 07:49

On the house my parents have the same. My father was a medical student when they married and my mother taught for 10 years as he qualified and then became a consultant - a very long haul for them both. He used in those days to have to sleep in the houspital quite a bit. She was not allowed in. I think climbing in and out of windows was involved for sex according to their old tales! However they put off babies into their 30s so they could afford to buy a house and pay school fees and they were married - in those days it was pretty much essential to marry first if you wanted to have sex.

Holly3434 · 13/03/2017 08:06

Imagine if a woman posted that her DP was adamant that the child should take his name, you'd have much different responses. She's being like this because she doesn't see a future with you. I'd make sure your names on birth certificate

Emboo19 · 13/03/2017 08:31

I don't think it has to mean, she doesn't see a future with him. I wonder if all the children out there, with dad's surnames and not mums, don't see a future with their partners.

I didn't double barrel my daughters name, as although it sounded ok, I think it made it too long and I'm not a fan of double barrelled names. I did offer to use his as a middle name, although we didn't end up doing so.
Op hasn't said a reason why she won't do either. If she hasn't given one, that's unreasonable. If she has and he just doesn't like her reason, then she's maybe not being so unreasonable.

KarmaNoMore · 13/03/2017 08:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Onecutefox · 13/03/2017 10:24

She needs to tell you why she doesn't want your baby to have your surname. We cannot tell you why but only she can Once you get an answer then we can probably suggest what to do.

GatoradeMeBitch · 13/03/2017 10:54

Imagine if a woman posted that her DP was adamant that the child should take his name, you'd have much different responses.

That has happened. The responses were a mixed bag, much like here - except that of course it's normal for children to be given men's names in our society so you get a lot of "but why wouldn't you want to??" responses.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 13/03/2017 11:21

Please Ignore the one or two very nasty posters on here. Please talk about your very real worries to someone who cares about your welfare. You have rights to be involved and an important part of your son's life. Sending you a big hug and best wishes for the future

He is in a relationship and living with the mother of his child.
Why on earth wouldn't he be active and involved in the childs life.

Her using her own surname for the baby has no baring on his involvement

pinkdonkey · 13/03/2017 11:51

I think she is being completely unreasonable about the name, you are both the parents and you both get to be involved with chosing the name. Does she see the baby as her baby or your (plural) baby. I really think you need to sit down and discuss this properly together, tell her how this is making you feel. If she won't let you be involved in chosing the name will she let you have a say when it comes to discipline, medical care, schooling etc. Or will it all be her decisions. I'm sure you know through your child protection training if you don't have parental rights (either through marriage, birth certificate or courts) you will be unable to consent to medical treatment or even take your child for vacinations without her permission. So you need to know what her pland are regarding this too.

As for not wanting to get married she could have lots of good reasons for that, possibly that she is worried you only want to marry her because she is pregnant, she doesn't believe in marriage, she wants to wait until you have finished your training and can afford the wedding she has always dreamed off, its too painful to think about not having her Dad walk her down the aisle, she didn't envisage a bump under her wedding dress. The only person who can give you the answer is her, so its her you need to talk to about it. And also how she sees your future together.

Bluebell28 · 13/03/2017 14:27

I think she's doesn't have to give a reason for not wanting to double the child's name. It's not a reflection on you or the relationship. If you live with her and the child then you have every opportunity to be involved with his upbringing. Plenty of people live together quite happily.

Bluebell28 · 13/03/2017 14:28
  • double barrel the name
myoriginal3 · 13/03/2017 14:35

It sounds like she doesn't trust you to be honest. She very much wants to be in control of the baby with the exclusion of you. I would hazard a guess that she is wary about your future together.
Will she put your name on the birth cert?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 13/03/2017 17:13

So all these men who insist on babies only having their name, do they not trust their partners,not see a future or only view the babies as theirs then?

What a lot of clap trap

GreenPeppers · 13/03/2017 17:22

What sort of reason could you that you will not accept a double barrelled name that could be acceptable though?
Doesn't like the Idea?
Names don't go together?
Don't want my baby to have your name?
We're not married?

GreenPeppers · 13/03/2017 17:23

And yes if she doesn't want to put your name on the birth certificate, then I would have some massive issues TBH.

gleam · 13/03/2017 17:33

If she doesn't want to double-barrell, then it's your surname or hers.
If she doesn't want to marry, then it's natural for her to pick her surname, to have that in common with the baby.

gleam · 13/03/2017 17:34

barrel, even.

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