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Original poster

Girlfriend won't marry me or double-barrel our son's name.

151 replies

drmarcus · 12/03/2017 14:59

Our son is due next month. We are not married. I'd really like my surname to be included too but she won't have that. I would also like to marry her and offered to take her name but she doesn't want to marry? I'm beginning to wonder if she has other motives :( does this behaviour sound odd to you at all?

OP posts:
RedAndYellowPeppers · 12/03/2017 21:58

Never whether the guy was or wasn't going to be a good dad would have changed the fact that he would always be their dad.
Why on earth having a child with someone who you think wouldn't be a good dad in the first place?
Also having his name (double barrelled) wouldnt changed naything or whether he was flaky or not regarding the DC. It might have grated more FOR YOU but for the child, the reality would have always being the same.

On the other side, having his name is a recognition that yes he IS the dad. Which is important IMO because, just as much you always know who is the mother, you do need the recognition of who is the father iyswim

Kr1stina · 12/03/2017 22:01

I'm really confused as t why yare I are referring to your GF name as " her dad's name " . Isn't it HER name too?

And also I see that you don't use the name of either of your parents but use your foster mothers name. Have you changed your name to hers by deed poll or are all your documents still in your own name ? ( or as I guess you refer to it , your mother or your fathers names ) .

I assume you did this as an adult as social services would not have permitted your foster carer to change your surname while you were in their care.

As you have already changed your name from your parents to your foster mothers, and you really want to have the same name as your baby, why don't you just change it again ?

And if you are 25 and smart enough to be at university, you should know that saying you have male privilege is a fact. Unless I have missed something and you are in fact a woman ?

Fruitboxjury · 12/03/2017 22:02

So:

You picked a house because it's close to her mum yet difficult for you

You wanted to wait to finish Med school but she wanted a baby so you agreed to have a baby

You want to marry her but she doesn't want to get married, so you're accepting that and aren't going to ask

You want the baby to have your name but she won't let you have any say in the decision or give any reference to you as the father

How do you really think this relationship is going? I'm sorry my opinion is rapidly changing, you need to stand up for yourself. She's walking all over you.

Kr1stina · 12/03/2017 22:06

I find it interesting that you are calling people harsh and spiteful and horrible just because they disgree with you. Which is what can happen when you post a thread and ask people for their opinions.

Do you usually react like this when people have a different opinion from your own ?

Don't you think it's better to respond to people's views rather than name call and attack them ? I think you will find this is a better approach in your career , if you intend to work as a medical practitioner.

Original poster
drmarcus · 12/03/2017 22:07

@Kr1stina when did I say her dad's name? I was referring to baby's middle name, which will be her dad's name...? Not hers...?

OP posts:
BlinkyT · 12/03/2017 22:08

OP, I think your partner is being really unfair. Is she usually so bossy and controlling?

How about suggesting that you use your surname as a middle name on the birth certificate but that you would agree not to use it. I still don't think this would be fair on you but at least it might be a little better than not using your name at all.

I'm afraid that on MN there seem to be a lot of posters who think that the mothers 'rights' trump the fathers rights. You see posters saying things like 'I carried the baby for 9 months so I chose the name'. I think it's an awful attitude. Decisions such as choosing names should always be made by both parents. If a male were to say something similar then there would be outrage. Confused

Hopefully this will just be a blip though and not a sign of a more significant problem. I'm sure you already know that having a baby is often a stressful time and that tensions often run high. Everyone needs to be as kind to one another as possible - something that's sometimes easier said than done.

Anyway, Congrats on your soon to be new baby and good luck with your career.

Original poster
drmarcus · 12/03/2017 22:08

Wow @Kr1stina you really have something against me Confused I haven't name called at all.

OP posts:
SewMeARiver · 12/03/2017 22:08

Agree with fruitbox

BlinkyT · 12/03/2017 22:10

Op,
BTW, If I were you I'd suggest totally ignoring posts by posters who are trying to wind you up. Unfortunately Mumsnet doesn't have a hide-poster function.

Original poster
drmarcus · 12/03/2017 22:10

Thanks @BlinkyT

OP posts:
Neverknowing · 12/03/2017 22:14

I honestly wouldn't worry OP I was just being honest about my own experience. Also, pregnancy hormones might being making her question you. As long as you're on the birth certificate you have full rights to your child! I really didn't want a double barreled surname for our child either so maybe she feels that way too? And especially if her dad has just died then she probably wants baby to have his name? There's so many reasons that are perfectly innocent!

NeedsAsockamnesty · 12/03/2017 22:31

Why is it any more controlling and bossy for her to say I want my surname than it is for him to say well I don't?

In reality you have 3 choices

  1. Her name
  2. Your name
  3. Double barrel

Unless of course you make up a totally new surname.

Lots of people for lots of reasons do not like double barrelled names, and in practise it is far more sensible for an unmarried mother to use her own surname.
Should you actually marry (as I'm unsure if she means ever or just not now) it is a lot easier to change the name to the fathers after marrage.

BlinkyT · 12/03/2017 22:33

Why is it any more controlling and bossy for her to say I want my surname than it is for him to say well I don't?

Because he isn't telling her not to. He is just asking for his name to be a middle name or part of a double barrelled name. He is happy to compromise and she isn't.

juneau · 12/03/2017 22:37

So she's having your child, but she doesn't want to marry you and she wants the child to only carry her name. I would say that you're right in assuming that she doesn't see a future for this relationship. Have you asked her outright whether this is her plan?

Underbeneathsies · 12/03/2017 22:52

I'd contact a family mediator if I were you OP. as I've repeatedly said

You may as well talk to a ward full of patients as us about your life.

Some will say how unfair your gf is, some will say how ridiculous you are not to change your name, as it's 'just your foster mums' anyway' some will say that your relationship is doomed.

Whatever.

The best place to look for a resolution is by listening and talking with your gf.

If you feel so insecure to canvas a group of randoms on the internet about it, well and good, but don't let that influence your decisions or feelings on the matter. As I said you may as well flip a few coins, or pull petals out of daisy: she loves me, she loves me not.

It's your life, what do you want? What does your gf want and what are you going to do to improve the communication in your relationship going forward.

Don't answer me talk with your gf.
Use a mediator if you want to have a more formal arrangement and acknowledgment of your desires, and acknowledgment of hers, and a resolution in a set timeframe.

Underbeneathsies · 12/03/2017 22:52

Fwiw the mediation process can be interesting and may well do you some good in your medical life. Not everything's going to go your way there either. You seem to be rather immature and lacking in social skills. I think clear communication skills are essential, and especially in a medical role if you want to avoid being sued

Good luck.

BlinkyT · 12/03/2017 22:56

Blimey they are all out tonight... Hmm

QueSera · 12/03/2017 23:09

Wow there are some nasty posters. Talk about lacking social skills! OP please ignore such posters, and those who display clear double-standards.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 12/03/2017 23:16

I wouldn't use a surname as a middle name and I wouldn't double barrel if I didn't want to.

Nobody has to and lots of people really do not like double barrelled names.
For someone who doesn't wish to double barrel then the choices are his name or her name.
There is no compromise to be had.

If she goes with his that is something she doesn't want
If she double barrels that is also something she dosent want.

Mindfulofmuddle · 12/03/2017 23:40

The fact that your girlfriend has unilaterally decided that your child will have her surname and her father's name, would also give me cause for concern in your shoes OP and I would be very unhappy with her unwillingness to compromise in any way. You have compromised about when to have the baby to go along with her wishes, yet she doesn't feel any need to take your feelings into account regarding his name...all seems rather one-sided to me.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 12/03/2017 23:44

Perhaps she has taken his into account.

And decided she doesn't agree

Kr1stina · 12/03/2017 23:48

This reply has been deleted

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SewMeARiver · 13/03/2017 00:01

Kr1stina To Quote:

Do you usually react like this when people have a different opinion from your own ?

Don't you think it's better to respond to people's views rather than name call and attack them ?

Take your own advice.

mrsmuddlepies · 13/03/2017 00:04

OP you sound as if you are doing everything you can to please your gf. She is not being fair to you.
With respect, your 'looked after' status when you were growing up makes you vulnerable. Without the security and support of your own birth family, you clearly want the opportunity to provide a stable family background for your son and this might partly explain why you are anxious to be involved and proactive.
I do think you need to talk to someone you trust about your concerns such as your foster mother. As a looked after 'child' you have done incredibly well. Do you still have any type of social worker in your life?
Please Ignore the one or two very nasty posters on here. Please talk about your very real worries to someone who cares about your welfare. You have rights to be involved and an important part of your son's life. Sending you a big hug and best wishes for the future.

Kr1stina · 13/03/2017 00:05

I don't name call and attack anyone. I disgree with their views.

There's a difference .

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