Girlfriend won't marry me or double-barrel our son's name.

[drmarcus]

Our son is due next month. We are not married. I'd really like my surname to be included too but she won't have that. I would also like to marry her and offered to take her name but she doesn't want to marry? I'm beginning to wonder if she has other motives :( does this behaviour sound odd to you at all?

Okay I'll just go with it then. I definitely don't mean to be pushy at all. I'll just leave it then. I suppose I'm just feeling very anxious about everything!

I'd like my surname as a middle name that would be nice but she wants her dad's name (he's sadly passed away).

Sorry, I meant that a mother giving her child her name shouldn't make people suspicious of her motives.

@stitchglitched oh not at all! But I mean it's strange she doesn't want to compromise at all. But realised I'm overthinking.

It sounds to me like she doesn't see a future with you. But names can always be changed later on.

Was the child planned? Becoming a parent is a huge change in life, and it is possible she's just feeling very unsettled and uncertain about everything right now.

She may be questioning whether she wants to stay with you.

She may be an alien princess who plans to abduct the child to another planet.

The best way to find out is to have a conversation, NOT about the names, but just what she hopes life will be like a year from now. If she's worried/uncertain etc that's likely to come through.

I see what you are saying though, I don't think it's weird to change your surname so it matches your sons!

I disagree with everyone, why have a child with someone you aren't willing to include in the surname that's just weird!

It's like she's not planning to stick around!

I had every intention of having my sons name under my ex until he refused to compromise on a double barrelled name!

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

Our dd has two middle names (so do i). If your dp refuses to include your surname as a second middle name, i would find that disturbing and exclusionary.

Hope it works out for you OP. I think it's great you want to marry her

I can see why you're feeling a bit anxious about it all - she's not really giving you much chance to feel included if she's choosing all the names. As a mum you're automatically connected to your baby as you're carrying out, but as a father it's harder. Personally that was my main reason for going with my DC's dad's surname, to help him feel that connection i felt i already had.

Would it be worth just telling her how it makes you feel? And that you really want to be a family, and for people to see you as a family. You can give a child more than one middle name, if that would help? Either your surname for one of them, or a name from your family.

This thread is weird. Why is it up to the woman to choose the name. It might be a legal thing but its not moral. If a woman started this thread saying her DP wouldnt let her have her surname included in any way it would not be acceptable. Why is it acceptable for a woman to do this. It is not fair. OP don't take these responses as being scientific evidence that you should just "go with it". Your DP sounds selfish to me.

Had you been together before she became pregnant? Is she just checking that you will be together for the long haul? Is she suspecting you to dump her and leave her behind when you qualify (as quite often happens)? I am not saying it is any of these - just throwing them into the mix, so to speak.

Does she believe in marriage ? Are her parents still together and happy or not? These may also indicate how she feels about marriage generally rather than to you specifically.

Are your parents pressurising you to step up and do the right thing by her?

Yes, yes evergreen

Much more helpful than my rant and good advice.

My dd has two middle names also.
They may be a part of her, that doesn't know if you'll stay together if baby was unplanned that's not unusual or wrong of her. It doesn't mean it won't work out or that she doesn't want it to though.

I also had my mums surname on my birth certificate, but was always known as my dad's. My parents married when I was 18 and I legally changed my name then.

Summer, the situation as you describe has been happening so frequently for generations that it's often just expected!

I'm perplexed by the MN double standards at work here. A surname is a joint decision. To even deny the OP his surname as a second middle name is totally unreasonable and downright hurtful. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to get married but it's not OK to shut down any compromise on their child's name.

Why do you want to marry her? You come across as wanting to get married just so your child has the same name as you. If that's the impression you've given her IRL, perhaps that's why she's refusing to marry.

Was the baby planned? If not, how did you both react initially - were you both happy? I wonder if she has doubts that you'll stick around in the long term and doesn't want to end up with a different surname to her child.

Be honest: if you double barrelled your surnames, would it sound nice or ridiculous? It's possible she's not against the concept of double barrelling names but thinks your two surnames sound stupid together. Some do.

Does she compromise in other area's of your relationship?

May well be that she is still tied up with her fathers death and wants his surname as well for her child (as she sees it.)

OP does your girlfriend have any brothers who may be expected to carry the family name on? Sounds as if she was close to her dad and that may be why she wants your baby to have her surname.
But, of course, she may wonder about the stability of your relationship and may change her mind later if with withstands the test of time. Names can always be changed.

Most children are given their father's surname. It's seen as the norm and usually just assumed. This is despite the fact that women are nearly always the primary carer, and the resident parent in the event of a split. I'll start worrying about double standards when there is a more level playing field.

Baby was very much planned. I wanted to wait a little longer (just until I qualify) but she had been out of uni for 3 years and was ready, so we went for it. We are in a good situation. Have a nice little home.

No, my parents aren't telling me to step up, I have an amazing foster mum who sticks by me but is very fair.

We have been together since sixth form and very much in a good relationship.

The surname would sound fine double-barrelled

@stitchglitched I don't expect the child to just have my surname and very much wouldn't want that.

Has she said why she doesn't want to a double barrelled surname?

Did you discuss marriage before planning a baby?

Are you choosing the first name together?

I do think she's being unreasonable both your surnames mean something to you so why does she somehow have more right to call the child her surname than yours? Is she really saying that's as the father you can't have your surname anywhere in the child's name?

You are the father, and was equal in planning of this baby

In situation likes this double barrelled or one of your surnames as a middle name if the compromise than you have to come to