To feel this way about my oh?

[Kmoggy]

I'm really struggling to like my partner just now.. i haven't been happy in our relationship for about a year, had another baby 6 months ago so I'm sure that's contributed. He's not a bad guy at all.. he loves our children so much. Trouble is he has no ambition, no drive to do better for us as a family. I know he's been brought up to accept that just by having a job and being around is enough but it really isn't in my book. He is financially dependant on me.. I bring in most of the money. Granted I get private money gifted from my family each month but still that money was never to pay bills with, it was to treat myself with etc. Now we have children I just keep thinking how I could use that money for them and their futures but instead it's paying our monthly bills.
I'm going bk to work soon and will be working part time, looking after 3 under 2,s and hopefully starting some study plus running every aspect of this household. I don't have time to take on extra work. He does tho, he works 6/3 and has weekends off.. I have tried to suggest he advertises as a handy man or looks into some courses etc as he's so good with diy. But he won't and just tells me he doesn't enjoy it... he works for my uncle and brings in £20000 a year which is nothing when I think of the cost of 3 kids when they are a bit older. I just want him to want to provide for us and not happy to sit back and take from my family.
He could help more around the house too which really upsets me as today for instance I was up 3x feeding throughout the night.. I was so tired at 7am and asked him if I could get an extra hr, he said go get boys breakfast first and I'll come down when you did that.. he did come down but went bk to bed, it's 12.30 and I've just sat down. I've been cooking, cleaning etc since I got up and now he's sitting on his again. He never offers to help me or says I'll do that you sit down. He rarely cleans to standard I need and I honestly just feel so much hatred and resentment towards him just now.. don't know if we will get through this. He thinks everything is fine and has no idea I keep thinking about what would happen if we split up. I can't communicate to him ever coz he never talks back just sits quiet and never ever offers a solution to the problems in our relationship! I just feel we are 2 different. I want the very best for my kids, I'm not prepared to settle for bare minimum and he is! Although he seems to think spending money is ok on things we can't afford etc.. he wants all the nice things but he isn't pulling the money in to have them. Any advice welcome.. but I just need to get this off my chest as I have no one I can talk to about this and I don't know if there is any going be from here.

Well don't SAHM's start work at 6am (if they're lucky)?

Many people leave the house at 6 or earlier. They have long commutes, for instance - and they might not get in until 8pm if they're lucky.

This is also the real world. Sometimes you have to go a bit above and beyond.

YANBU, OP. I think time to call it a day. It sounds like he wants you to subsidise a life he aspires to.

Is the house in your name?

Onion exactly

"He'd be skinned alive."

Oh so much more than that.....

The problem is that OPs husband talked the talk when they first got together and was going to work hard to better his employment situation but now is content to stick with the job her family gave him and for which he receives more than he is worth. The job was offered to him in the expectation he would use it as a stepping stone to a better paid/qualified work.
The last straw is that he doesn't even give the OP an extra hour in bed once a week while he looks after the children.
OP even has to renew his passport so just what is he doing after he finishes work?
OP your ideas about life and your children's futures are seriously out of sync. Is it worth getting some sort of counselling so he can hear your views and how serious the situation is? Hopefully he will feel the need to respond if someone else is mediating the discussion.
If he is happy to let things be then I'd consider asking him to leave -- atm it sounds like it's not if but when.

He fucking starts work at 6AM!

Totally agree Onion. Probably up at 5. My DH starts work at either 4am or 5am. Alarm goes off one hour before. Those 3am wake ups are a bloody joy! He gets home 3-30pm most days. In bed by 8. Has to be done. That's a bloody long day.

I don't expect much from him at all home-wise but he will if I ask. I work 15hrs a week, have a horse and dog to look after as well as the house so pretty busy. Decorating our home also (first house together bit of a doer upper) but it's slower than I'd like but, hey, tough tit. This man is tired!

Might ask if he's interested in some online degree courses, y'know to fill in his spare time to better himself

This is also the real world. Sometimes you have to go a bit above and beyond.

Unbelievable contempt for those that aren't high earners.

and people worder why MN is seen as MC

content to stick with the job her family gave him and for which he receives more than he is worth.

Disgusting comment.

for which he receives more than he is worth.

Oh do fuck off.

Your contempt is clear.

I agree with JJ. You have 4 children, not 3.

OP, you sound awful and spoiled. Poor OH.

OP you sound, quite frankly, like a selfish twat.

You can live off your family money but he has to get an extra job to top up the £20k salary? You presumably knew his earning potential before you had kids so stop complaining and go and re-clean the loo.

This is also the real world. Sometimes you have to go a bit above and beyond.

Why?

Some people are content with less. I gave up a high earning, high flying career which I studied for 5 years to get. I HATED it. Made me miserable. So we are poorer. I'm glad my husband doesn't think that about me.

Caipir1nha exactly. I had to drive over 50 miles to work (no public transport) leaving at 5:30am and worked 7:30 hours a day and was never home before7pm not only because of congested roads but because I often ended up over 100 miles away from home at the end of the work day or had to attend meetings/court that ended late. One just sets ones teeth and does it. Working mothers pick up their children after work and then have hours of childcare, meal preparation etc etc before bed time. Anyone who thinks that a parent with 3 babies is entitled to be exhausted and put his feet up after 3pm is deluded.

I think, like many posts, the reality is somewhat in the middle. He could be doing more (not better necessarily) round the house, especially sharing the load on days off.
But, it's fairly belittling to complain about his earning ability, he works, he earns, ideas about ambition and doing better are subjective and not a 'good' or 'bad' thing.
Maybe it would be better if he was th SAHP/or pt worker and you did the higher paid work.

Why doesn't OP talk to him about it then?

Thing is, she won't swap roles because she likes to be in control. He won't clean the house properly etc etc. So if she does ask him to help more, he probably won't get that right either.

Onion Knight it's not contempt for the husband OP's family are paying him over the odds for the job they gave him as a stepping stone to a better position. He has not taken advantage of this.
OP would not feel so upset if he pulled his weight at home and helped more with the children her post here was because of her exasperation when he refused to help her so she could have a measly extra hour in bed he went back to bed himself for the whole morning.

But he refuses to discuss anything -- just gives her the silent treatment

He won't clean the house properly etc etc. So if she does ask him to help more, he probably won't get that right either

There's also a big difference between properly and to someone else's standards. My DP cleans/tidies/does housework on his days off to a perfectly acceptable standard, however I have diagnosed OCD so it's not to MY standard. I accept that my standards are probably ridiculous to most people and don't expect him to manage to do things the way I do because I'm so particular.

£20k is not over the odds for a full time job.

You can't employ someone on the proviso that they get a better job at some point. Employment is an exchange of labour and paunmet. Legally it makes no difference that it's a family member.

Payment*

I'm still spitting feathers over the "more than he is worth" comment. Awful way to talk about someone.

@GrumpyOldBlonde and @Benedictke2 have nailed this one.

Sounds like this bloke sold the OP a pup. Gone is the ambition, hello coasting and wanting to live the ££££ life without pushing his own earning capability. And doing FA at weekends and evenings is frankly pathetic.

You have 2 options really:

1. Silently stew and change nothing
2. Nag incessantly until something happens - either he gets motivated or your relationship ends.

That last comment - again imagine if a man said that about his wife.

Ugh, all this contempt for OP's perfectly normal sounding OH is too much for a Sunday afternoon.

I must admit they seems to be some divide on mn from the high earners to the minimum wage earner or above minimum wage as it is in this case. On many occassions I noticed some snobbery in terms of what is considered a good wage and telling people to just step up or leave when the wage in question is higher than minimum wage but not necessarily considered low in particular parts of the uk.

I know nurses and teachers on 23,000 these are professionals who attended higher education. I wish people would think before going bashing people for "earning such a low wage" it almost comes across as if these people are beneath them. Who do you think would do these jobs if it wasn't for those people who work hard to do the work others look down at. It doesn't make them lazy it doesn't mean they don't work hard, in some cases they work harder because they have no choice. Is this really what society is about judging people on the amount of money they earn a year?