To feel this way about my oh?

[Kmoggy]

I'm really struggling to like my partner just now.. i haven't been happy in our relationship for about a year, had another baby 6 months ago so I'm sure that's contributed. He's not a bad guy at all.. he loves our children so much. Trouble is he has no ambition, no drive to do better for us as a family. I know he's been brought up to accept that just by having a job and being around is enough but it really isn't in my book. He is financially dependant on me.. I bring in most of the money. Granted I get private money gifted from my family each month but still that money was never to pay bills with, it was to treat myself with etc. Now we have children I just keep thinking how I could use that money for them and their futures but instead it's paying our monthly bills.
I'm going bk to work soon and will be working part time, looking after 3 under 2,s and hopefully starting some study plus running every aspect of this household. I don't have time to take on extra work. He does tho, he works 6/3 and has weekends off.. I have tried to suggest he advertises as a handy man or looks into some courses etc as he's so good with diy. But he won't and just tells me he doesn't enjoy it... he works for my uncle and brings in £20000 a year which is nothing when I think of the cost of 3 kids when they are a bit older. I just want him to want to provide for us and not happy to sit back and take from my family.
He could help more around the house too which really upsets me as today for instance I was up 3x feeding throughout the night.. I was so tired at 7am and asked him if I could get an extra hr, he said go get boys breakfast first and I'll come down when you did that.. he did come down but went bk to bed, it's 12.30 and I've just sat down. I've been cooking, cleaning etc since I got up and now he's sitting on his again. He never offers to help me or says I'll do that you sit down. He rarely cleans to standard I need and I honestly just feel so much hatred and resentment towards him just now.. don't know if we will get through this. He thinks everything is fine and has no idea I keep thinking about what would happen if we split up. I can't communicate to him ever coz he never talks back just sits quiet and never ever offers a solution to the problems in our relationship! I just feel we are 2 different. I want the very best for my kids, I'm not prepared to settle for bare minimum and he is! Although he seems to think spending money is ok on things we can't afford etc.. he wants all the nice things but he isn't pulling the money in to have them. Any advice welcome.. but I just need to get this off my chest as I have no one I can talk to about this and I don't know if there is any going be from here.

Hang on. What about all those other threads where people post that even though they're SAHMs their OHs come in from working full time and of course they pitch straight in with child care, cooking , cleaning.

The responses are that he's not being a martyr, or going above and beyond because they're his kids and it's his house too, and being a SAHM is a full time job. In fact if the OP says that he 'helps her' with those things she gets jumped on for implying that they are HER jobs to which he graciously agrees to contribute.

So why is the OP being jumped on for saying that he could do more just because he works full time and she's on mat leave?

This guy sounds like he wants life handed to him on a plate, that someone else will always make it easy for him, giving him a job, paying his bills, looking after his house and his kids.

I don't blame the OP for being fed up, and I wouldn't blame her if this was the trigger for thinking about how she might change things.

Also it depends on many opportunities for people to have the potential to be a high earner, family status if they working class or middle class, access to higher education and depending on where abouts you live in the U.K are all contributing factors. Thats not to say someone born into a working class can't succeed and be a high earner but some people have a better advantage than others.

The problem is that OPs husband talked the talk when they first got together and was going to work hard to better his employment situation

I wonder what OP had said she would do when they first got together. I guarantee she didn't say "I will have 3 children under 2 and expect you to work more than full time, meet my high standards in house cleaning oh and you will study as well." Things change, people's plans change, they realise they have limitations, they decide working 60 hours a week isn't what they want when they have 3 small DC.

but now is content to stick with the job her family gave him and for which he receives more than he is worth

So what you're saying is he should leave his job and get paid what he is worth which is less than what he currently earns?

OP's family are paying him over the odds for the job they gave him as a stepping stone to a better position. He has not taken advantage of this.

Where has the OP said this?

Either way, people are not given a job on the proviso that they use it as a stepping stone.

Sounds like this bloke sold the OP a pup. Gone is the ambition, hello coasting and wanting to live the ££££

Maybe he saw OP's ambition was gone and she was happy to live off her family and work part time.

My situation is far from yours but I was previously in a relationship with someone who had very different attitudes towards money and life. They'd sit on their laptop dreaming away, couldn't hold down a job, took money from their family and never saw anything through to the end. I think attitudes towards money can split people up if you don't learn to tolerate each others outlook. Do you still love and respect this guy? It doesn't seem like you do and if you can't find happiness or compromise why keep stewing away?

I must be living in a parallel universe.
Apparently in the one inhabited by most on MN today a man working a full-time job is something his partner should be grateful for. He should get to rest as he must be exhausted. She, on the other hand, should take on 24/7 responsibility for absolutely everything else. She is selfish and entitled if she thinks that this is in any way unfair. And if she fell for her partner because he was once a man who thought they'd act as a different kind of partnership, well she was wrong to expect that to begin with and so should just continue to be grateful for the fact he is employed. If he has changed then she should change with him, obviously!

Wtf am I reading on here today?!?

And My family pay him over the odds for the job he does isn't the same as saying paying more than HE is worth. It sounds like they gave him a job as something to put on his CV to help him onto the employment ladder.

We don't know what he does, maybe he actually only works for a few hours out of the 6 - 3, maybe his job is to sweep the floor. In which case he's being paid well over NMW which would be the normal rate for that type of job. So maybe he's paid more than the job is worth.

JJbum, x-posted. But it's nice to know I have company in this parallel universe. I was beginning to think I'd just fallen down the rabbit hole.

Op - you sound exhausted! I 'm not surprised. 3 under 2 is a massive job and I suspect you are severely sleep deprived.

My eldest had serious sleep problems. I spent a good year basically hating my husband. I also hated my friends (lucky sods got hours and hours of sleep), my parents and in laws (ditto) and the man who delivered my tesco order ( no bags under his eyes!)

What I didn't do was ask any of these people for help.

It got better but right now you need to focus on survival. Life will never be tougher than 3 under 2.

Sit down calmly with your husband and talk about lie-ins. He either needs to help with the nights at the weekend or give you both lie-ins.

You need to cut down on the cleaning. Assuming you remove shoes when you enter the house and don't regularly roll the children in mud then you don't need to vacuum and mop daily. You don't.

Perhaps drop the "bettering yourself" degree idea for a couple of years. I agree it is a good thing to do (assuming you pick your subject carefully) but you don't need to do it right now.

Your husband being overpaid is a good thing. For now - your family has enough. 3 years from now and your life will be easier and you can make plans but right now you need to survive.

I have diagnosed OCD so it's not to MY standard. I accept that my standards are probably ridiculous to most people and don't expect him to manage to do things the way I do because I'm so particular.

Ah, yes me too. I'm not so bad now after counselling but I'm still picky. Everything has to be done every day in a certain order. My DH is a bit of a perfectionist but he is so slow and methodical it drives me nuts so I tend not to ask lol. Like he will clean down worktops then focus on a handle for example and spend ages on it. He's better working on the cars, fiddling with engine bits. That's something I'm not good at.

OP instead of doing a course why don't you just go to work full time? Then your OH can put in a flexible working request to go part time which they legally have to consider and give good reasons for not giving.

Then he can stay at home with the kids and the rest of the time they can go to nursery while you're both working. Then you can do a cleaning inspection when you get home everyday - see if the dusting is up to scratch or not.

But at least you'll be happier that you're bringing in more money for the household won't you? although you did admit yourself you were gutted you had to spend your family's "treats for yourself" money on your own kids

We don't know what he does, maybe he actually only works for a few hours out of the 6 - 3, maybe his job is to sweep the floor. In which case he's being paid well over NMW which would be the normal rate for that type of job. So maybe he's paid more than the job is worth.

As you say we don't know.

Maybe he does a job that is worth more than he is being paid and the OPs family are taking him for a ride.

You sound stressed, exhausted and frustrated which are all very much par for the course when you have babies and toddlers. It's actually extremely common to go off your partner in a very big way when you are at this stage. It's like a stand off of who has done the most and who is the most knackered.

So what to do? Talk. Start to pull together. Support one another more and try to work to common goals even if it's getting through the day without an argument.

You also sound very different...this can work if you both accept that. If you try to change who he is he will massively resent you because you knew who he was all along. However, that's not the same as him not doing his share. At weekends you both muck in equally.

You are in this together.could you spend some of your family money on some counselling and try to get back on track? Things will get easier as the DC get older but you cannot control another person the way you seem to want to.

Then you can do a cleaning inspection when you get home everyday - see if the dusting is up to scratch or not.

Please tell me you aren't serious

Then you can do a cleaning inspection when you get home everyday - see if the dusting is up to scratch or not.

I'd love to see the response to the man who does this after a day at work

piglet omg no, i was being sarcastic. If you read my other comments you'll see I think the OP is being totally unreasonable

MN is serously weird today!!

Momma I was being sarcastic. The OP said her OH's cleaning isn't "up to her standards"

I just can't get my head around being a mum of 3 and still getting pocket money from your family

Tell me, how is that different from, say, receiving money from parents or grandparents to help with a house deposit?? This happens to loads of people nowadays.

Or, say, parents helping their grown up children with school fees?

After all, some might say that it's money the OP might well inherit in due course anyway, and her parents have decided to give it to her now when she most needs it.

I think the harsh response you're getting on here is in large part because of your admission that you receive money from your family. Many people are jealous.

I agree with JJBum

I think OP could have phrased things better but if I were up 3x nightly with 3 under two plus being default parent/default household manager for someone who couldn't get their arse out of bed at the weekend to feed the twins my phrasing wouldn't be particularly coherent. I would be desperately worried about how I'd cope when returning to work on top of the rest, even part time.

I'm surprised anyone seriously read 'poem learning' as anything other than a typo.

There seems to be excessive focus on the OP getting some family money as if that excuses a DH not pulling weight around the house. My mother gifts a small amount of money to my adult kids each month - used to be pocket money but she wanted to help them in a small way as they were starting out. She has a modest but comfortable income for her needs and it makes her happy (we are talking about money for occasional night out or treat here). I wouldn't be impressed if they were using it to pay basic bills whilst run ragged when their DP wasn't making an effort to help around the house.

OP I think you need to separate out what are several different issues.

Household cleaning - pick the things you can compromise on most and let those be DP's jobs. You will need to compromise on this.

His job - you say he has lost drive/enthusiasm and he won't talk. Possibly you both need to talk, maybe with some form of counseling because with three under twos and the stress /exhaustion from that I suspect neither of you really know what the other wants. Why does he stay with the job now?

Your job - is there an option for you to go full time and DP become a SAHP for a year or so?

Money - what is it that you are mostly worried about? Paying the bills or the future expenses you perceive with children? 40k is a level at which most family provide well for their children, even if rather carefully in the SE.

If you can get some priorities from your list of concerns it may help to tackle them but that swimming lesson money might be better put toward some third party help to work out what you really want. 2 yr olds don't need swimming classes, they would be better off if their parents can work things out to restore a happy family.

Yup sorry "showme

OP I am with you on this. DH and I both work FT jobs and run a business together. Six years ago he was working towards his MBA and I was doing CPA (accounting exams here in the US) while we both worked FT so we could command salaries high enough to cover our living costs.

He finishes at 3pm, he could do a course enabling him to earn more. You are on leave right now so your job extends to looking after the DC. I would be looking at gaining a qualification that enables YOU to earn enough without him. He is a DP so if you split you are not going to have to support him.

I hate men like this which is why when I was dating, any man who wasn't already financially stable, I didn't pursue relationships with men who don't see financial stability as a priority. It isn't about being a millionaire, it is about putting the work in so you have a healthy savings account and are getting ahead in life. I love that DH and I don't have to worry about affording life. We have choices etc.

I get where you are at. Don't expect him to change. Do it yourself and you might find he gets competitive with you so all of a sudden changes his attitude. Expect for him to continue this way though and then you won't be disappointed. Once you earn enough you can make a decision about what you want to do with your relationship.

You want him to work harder, longer hours & be more ambitious so you can spend that money and the money another relative gives you on treats for you and your kids.

No to mention do the "menu planning" (or, as we call it in our house, deciding what to have for dinner), clean to the satisfaction of OP and offer a "solution" to the problem in their relationship.

He may be infuriatingly laid back, but that doesn't make him a bad person. He's working 9 hours a day and bringing home £20k, so brings in an average income but not ambitious. What did you want him to be? Chairman of the BoE, a megabucks derivatives trader?

He "never talks back", but that might be because he feels it's pointless because to him it seems like you'll never be satisfied.

I'm mystified as to why you had 3 children with this man who doesn't live up to your standards. And I think you sound like a bit of a pita, frankly.