Has anyone come on here for advice about their DP & left the relationship??

[Toobloodytired]

Bit of a random one but am really intrigued to know if anyone has come on here asking for advice whether to leave their DP & actually gone through with it??

If so, how long ago & how has life been since??

Also, if anyone decided to stay how's it been??

I echo what some PPs have said. I posted about a couple of specifics, but it was mainly the cumulative effect of reading posts on this board, and understanding the nature of ongoing issues, and how difficult it might feel to extricate myself, that gave me the courage to do so. Stbxh still causes some issues re/via DCs but it's THE BEST thing I could have done, for both my DCs and for me. I look back and wonder why I stayed so long

I came on here for advice, and did eventually leave (although currently we are still living together but in separate rooms and my door locks) It took a long time though, and like others it wasn't the case that I thought everything in my relationship was fine but LTB because the internet told me. I had already lurked for a while before posting, so probably half expected the response I would get, but I needed the validation. The vehemence of everybody on the thread was a shock though, and short term was probably more upsetting than the event. But long term it was helpful to look back on, and when the relationship deteriorated further was one of the things which allowed me to say enough. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2610915-Is-it-possible-to-not-realise-someones-asleep

I did

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a2187264-emotional-abuse-How-to-make-final-leap-to-leave-if-so

Mumsnet gave me some boundaries and a reality check and i am still so grateful, I'd possibly be completely insane if it hadn't. I've no doubt I'd still be with him not quite managing to figure out if it was him or if it was me being over sensitive. Life is loads better. I'm so much happier and have grown so much from this experience.

Yes. I posted on here and got amazing support, under a different name.

My STBEXH was using hook up websites. He promised to come off them, we moved countries and he went on them again.

I kicked him out that weekend. I felt so alone. Just me and DS in a foreign country.

The words of warmth that night were amazing. I'll forgotten a lot of the users, but I'll never forget one woman telling me to go to bed, hold my DS and smell his hair, and take comfort in my wonderful child.

God I'm tearful now thinking about it....

He had to come back, he had nowhere else to go. We limped on for a bit, as parents for another year - but I was stronger and he didn't like it.

I realised from a lot of posts that he was a narcissist and emotionally abusive. I learnt about gaslighting, and I learnt not to go for counselling.

I demanded he took the spare room.

And I waited...

I had to be really careful, in the end I became so cold and businesslike, he walked. It had to be like that..I had to make it his decision to leave. Not mine.

He threatened one day in his usual controlling way, packed bags and made a huge hoohah that it was my last chance to keep him.

He even did some sort of strange jazz hand movement when he said it right in my face.

I said if you decide to go now, know it's your decision and you will never come back.

I put my hand out for the key, calmly said goodbye and locked the door behind him.

Then I collapsed. But knowing I could post on MN was like a spare spine. When I couldn't think straight there were people there to guide me through.

Oh yes I showed him the thread I wrote about him when he came back. You were all a bunch of sad bitter twisted bitches who couldn't keep a man and didn't want anyone else to either.

to you sad bitter twisted bitches. And to me, as I quickly became one....

Me!

Best thing I ever did, wish I'd listened to you all sooner tbh

I did, after posting several threads under a couple of different names over several years. I think I started posting in 2009/2010 and left in 2013. I didn't leave because people on the internet told me to, but it was encouraging to see that other people thought that exH behaviour was unacceptable. It's difficult to see how bad it is when you're right in the middle of it.

I never did come back to do a thank you thread but I should have

I wouldn't be surprised if many people did - the responses here for any relationship questions are overwhelmingly negative and almost always assume DPs cheating, being abusive or have a negative intent at the very least. I remember one time I stupidly posted a rant when my DP annoyed me. It was suggested he was a cheating asshole loving off me when in real like he is best person in the world btw, loving, generous, kind, handsome and I should have just been told to stop being so dramatic.

Yes, I started worrying about my marriage in 2010 and thanks in some part to Mumsnet and a very long-running thread we separated 3.5 years later

Life has not been easy since but I do still have mornings when my first thought on waking is "shit, another day in this marriage" followed with "oh no it's not... I didn't dream it... I'm out!!!"

I didn't have MN when I was with my abusive husband, but if I had, I'd have LTBed a long, long time before I actually did.

I am so glad that MN is here to offer support, help, advice and love to those who post here for help, and those who are in so deep that they can't see clearly any more.

@KnittedDress

I know what you mean, but actually at the time, when reading all the negative messages I started to think - hey maybe he is an asshole? Maybe I am an idiot believing him?

I think sometimes people post things when they are annoyed / not fully rational and obviously present just their side to the story. Sadly this seems to fall on fertile ground here at mumsnet where many people might have been hurt themselves and starlight away go for the most negative conclusions.

I have never been hurt and have no axe to grind, but I fully believe that bastards should be left.

And that the rest of us have the responsibility to know when we are not married to bastards.

Also to present an honest and truthful account of any problems in our posts if we want a response that in any way meets our requirements. Posters can only go on what we tell them.

Also to present an honest and truthful account of any problems in our posts if we want a response that in any way meets our requirements. Posters can only go on what we tell them.

Fair point but impossible for any human to present a 100% objective account of anything. By our very nature we can only ever present our POV.

Yes. I just changed username as my original posts would be too identifying now but I was shocked at what people were saying to me.. but I listened, and several months later I finally left.

I just found my main thread on this from years ago and cried and cried. About how stupid I had been, and how clear it was to everyone else, and how right they all were and how grateful I will always be.

Just wanted to add that AF in particular was harsh - too harsh - but gave me the shock I needed to give me the strength to do it .. not at the time.. but I have never stopped thinking about what she said. So I am grateful to AF although it wasn't obvious at the time.

Shitalopram (LOVE your name :))

"Life has not been easy since but I do still have mornings when my first thought on waking is "shit, another day in this marriage" followed with "oh no it's not... I didn't dream it... I'm out!!!"

Oh so totally agree. Life as a single parent can be hard work, but I do a little dance of joy every night when I leap into my OWN empty bed and don't have to lie next to my negative, passive aggressive, lying, undermining ex - and again in the morning when I wake up and all that's waiting for me is the kids and my breakfast and coffee. I still have to pinch myself to believe I really did do it and I really can close the door at night and he's not on the inside of it.

And Ineedmorelemonpledge "spare spine" is such a great description of MN!

I wasn't on mn then but had very good counsellor who asked the right questions and helped me to see...the same way responses on mn can help someone see things for what they are and decide to leave (or not).
I thanked coy selling for helping me leave she said "I didn't.. .You helped yourself"

And that is what posting on mn can do...help people to help themselves. And to weigh up the options.
Maybe it s a rant and you realize it s a rant..and you laugh off the ltb responses...all well and good.... maybe it s a rant and the responses help you see it is more insidious.

I have been posting on here for around 6-8 months. I haven't yet left my relationship. I have anxiety problems which are preventing me from making a decision.

I've read it's called manxiety though.

Two things constantly play in my mind that plasters don't fix bullet holes but if you won't even peel back the plaster then you'll never know how bad the bullet hole is...

I LTB in September and it's honestly the best decision I ever made and I couldn't have done it without the support I had on my thread on here. I'm a totally different person now as I'm finding myself again and DD is thriving. I discovered the freedom programme which helped more than words can say and I'm now in counselling (actually just about to head off for a session!) So yeah... LTB isn't always crap advice!

Yes. I posted on here a couple of years ago and was advised to LTB. I didn't and didn't dare come back. 2 years later, posted again, and it was a unanimous LTB. It gave me validation that what i was living with was emotional abuse, and gave me the insight into how it had been affecting me. i was in denial about the whole thing and the impact it had on the kids.

I have good friends in RL that also said the same thing, but having it down in black and white helped so i could return to my rambling thoughts. I have been gone a month, things are still really tough and I am still wobbling every day, but I am in a much better place mentally.

Yes, very recently

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2873045-If-I-wanted-to-be-firefighting-all-the-time-Id-have-bloody-trained-for-it

I did. In fact I left two!

Op did you expect so many of us to say yes?

Occasionally people post with an update but most probably don't so we don't know the outcome.

I posted a year ago when EA and FA husband was planning to leave (with all the money) He sadly changed his mind I've spent the past year planning, following all the advice I received. In another six weeks or so (just waiting for housing allocation) I'll be gone with the dc and what I'm entitled to. H is clueless and will remain that way until I have somewhere secure for my dc. I've sorted most things quietly under his nose I've even bought stuff for my house and stashed it elsewhere.
I might not have acted quickly but I did take on board all the advice and will start my new life in a better position than if I'd acted immediately.

Well done 1nsanity
That is exactly the way to do it. As long as you are safe and you can plan a good exit then that is what you do.
I hope it all works out for you.