Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

If I wanted to be firefighting all the time I'd have bloody trained for it...

(96 Posts)
DerFlabberghast Wed 08-Mar-17 18:59:13

I'm at the end of my tether a bit here. Feel like I'm constantly having to fend off my partner's moods and not do anything that might trigger them. We haven't been together long but it feels like years sometimes and not in a good way, he displays some other behaviour I find hard to deal with too, like his jealousy over other men and his lack of respect for my privacy (he's gone through my phone and camera before).

He's always insinuating that I'm up to something or not being honest with him and there doesn't even seem any point in reassuring him now mind is clearly made up. I don't know if this is controlling but my gut tells me it isn't completely right. There's other stuff, he says he understands when I don't have a high sex drive but then 'teases' me about it constantly, he's told me my beliefs and hobbies are 'stupid'... I just feel like I have to be so careful not to have a life outside of our relationship in case it upsets him basically. Despite this I know he is a caring person from his other actions like caring for me when I'm sick, being kind of animals and helping others out financially, so I feel really confused.

It shouldn't be this hard should it?

Shoxfordian Wed 08-Mar-17 19:02:01

Nope to all that

DerFlabberghast Wed 08-Mar-17 19:05:43

To be fair he says he knows he can be very difficult as a person and may have like a split personality, but it's just the way he is and he won't change,

pocketsaviour Wed 08-Mar-17 19:07:01

I know he is a caring person from his other actions like caring for me when I'm sick, being kind of animals and helping others out financially, so I feel really confused.

Has it occurred to you that all these examples of his "kindness" are him feeling comfortably superior to the person/thing he's "helping"?

category12 Wed 08-Mar-17 19:09:05

It sounds awful. Time to go.

BantyCustards Wed 08-Mar-17 19:14:49

Fuck that. Seriously. Fuck that.

You're not his toy of the month - LTB

DerFlabberghast Wed 08-Mar-17 19:37:09

bumping, I know I come across kinda cool and analytical in the op but I'm in tears this evening and could use a hand hold

HeavenlyEyes Wed 08-Mar-17 19:37:26

Come on - really? This is not caring. This is awful! Cycle of abuse. Where the hell is your self esteem that you put up with such rubbish? Been in abusive relationships before I bet. Don't the Freedom Programme yet? This should be the lovely phase - not treading on eggshells managing his moods while he slags you off all the time!

Angryangryyoungwoman Wed 08-Mar-17 19:39:11

Fuck that shit. Dump him

DerFlabberghast Wed 08-Mar-17 19:42:23

The thing is heavenly I've actually never been in an abusive relationship or encountered behaviour like this, that's why it's knocked me for six a bit

category12 Wed 08-Mar-17 19:49:41

I'm sorry. He's not the man you hoped he was, this is not the relationship you deserve. It doesn't matter if he's kind to animals and helps old ladies across the street or would give his shirt off his back to a beggar - he's not kind to you.

Be strong and ditch him.

Bananalanacake Wed 08-Mar-17 20:02:22

I am assuming you don't live together as you said you haven't been together long, so it will be easier to end the relationship. Normal men like women who have their own lives and interests outside of their relationships, it's healthy to have your own interests, giving each other space to be your own person.

DerFlabberghast Wed 08-Mar-17 20:04:29

I'm just so sad, I keep bursting into tears, I can't really imagine what my ,I've will look like without him in it. I'm not in a very stable position in my life as it is.

specialsubject Wed 08-Mar-17 20:06:44

How will your life look without him? From what you say, freer, happier and better.

Treading on eggshells is no way to live.

DerFlabberghast Wed 08-Mar-17 20:07:02

I've been told that the controlling, paranoia and mood swings counts as emotional abuse, is it?

DerFlabberghast Wed 08-Mar-17 20:09:22

I know, I hate that I have to be on guard around him, surely he should be the person I can most naturally relax with.

flibflob Wed 08-Mar-17 20:27:40

OP, I was in your position about 9 months ago. He was emotionally, verbally and physically abusive. It was incredibly harmful to my self-esteem and my relationship with my friends and family. I left. I am far from perfect, but have slowly been rebuilding my life far far away from his manipulative, narcissistic clutches.

I appreciate it is incredibly hard to take that leap. Do you have friends and family in RL to support you? Keep writing on here too.

Do you live together? Or do you have any other financial ties to him?


category12 Wed 08-Mar-17 20:28:12

You should find that once you are out of the relationship, you start feeling better in yourself and better able to cope with what else is going on in your life.

Yes, he's emotionally abusing you by belittling you, controlling you, pressuring you passive aggressively about sex, keeping you on edge and constantly monitoring his moods.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Wed 08-Mar-17 20:29:56

You tears will stop once you regain control of your own life. Ltb.

GallivantingWildebeest Wed 08-Mar-17 20:30:00

Abusive tosspot.


Seriously. He's supposed to make your life better, not have you walking on eggshells. You haven't been together long. Bin him. I guarantee your life will be better afterwards.

JK1773 Wed 08-Mar-17 20:30:21

You haven't been with him that long and it is a shock when you suddenly realise you're in an abusive situation. If this is how he treats you now it won't get better, it will get worse. He has absolutely no right to go through your phone etc looking for 'proof' of what? He sounds paranoid and he's not in a healthy place for a happy relationship. I'm sorry to say I'd call it a day

DerFlabberghast Wed 08-Mar-17 22:17:18

He actually has got better though, he was much worse to start with

AnyFucker Wed 08-Mar-17 22:19:54

He was worse than this at the start and you didn't run a mile ? confused

IamalsoSpartacus Wed 08-Mar-17 22:25:13

He goes through your phone. That is not normal and it is not the action of a caring man.


Naicehamshop Wed 08-Mar-17 22:29:23

Leave. He sounds horrible.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: