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Is it possible to not realise someone's asleep

(73 Posts)
charlotteswigwam Sat 09-Apr-16 21:47:48

I've lurked on mumsnet for ages but this is my first time actually posting something. I pretty much just need some objective answers to the question above, rather than judgements iyswim but to set out the full story...
A few nights ago my partner had gone out for the night whilst I stayed behind (we have a young child so this is quite normal). I went to bed in pajama bottoms and underwear and he must have come back much later (probably early hours of the morning but I didn't check). Anyway, basically I was woken up by him having sex with me. I didn't say much at the time other than whats going on (confused and sleepy) and didn't have a chance to talk to him about it the night after (he came back from work late, then our child woke up so I went up to him etc) but the night after, I told him how uncomfortable it had made me feel and asked him not to do it again. His first reaction was to laugh and say something along the lines of "so many rules"* . This annoyed me slightly (since I dont think its a particularly unreasonable rule) but he did agree not to do it again so I thought fine. Then in bed that night he returned to the subject and said that he hadn't realised I was asleep. I asked how he could not know I was asleep etc and he asked what I meant and it went on for a while. To be clear, I wasn't trying to be argumentative but it bothered me because if he hadnt realised then how could he promise it wouldnt happen again? His response was I didn't realise you were asleep so I won't do it again but logically that doesn't make sense to me. In the end after basically saying the same things to each other I just left it. My two questions would be -
1. how easy is it to really not know someone is asleep (As far as I know I don't normally talk/respond to things in my sleep, and he would have had to pull my pajama bottoms and underwear down etc. For me to not wake up sooner I guess I must have been quite deeply asleep rather than in a half awake state)
2. How can we stop it happening again? (eg how can he make sure I'm awake/asleep.

*As background to his so many rules comment: we had talked a few weeks earlier about how I find him too pushy sometimes about having sex. We normally sleep together about 3 times a week, and I didn't often say no, but when I did it was never just accepted iyswim. He would keep trying and often would wake me up a few hours later to ask again. I explained (nicely) how this was basically killing my libido and making me feel a bit crap and he agreed that I would (in his words) "be in charge" from now on. This bothered me a bit since I wasnt saying I wanted total control in a domineering sense, just that we should both have a veto if yswim. But to be fair to him he did stop doing it (actually until the night before the night in question when I had to properly shout at him to make him stop feeling me up. He did then stop however.)

SpeakNoWords Sat 09-Apr-16 22:00:21

I don't think it's possible not to realize you're asleep tbh. Combined with his lack of respect of your boundaries when you're awake, I think it's even less likely. I would be of the opinion that he just doesn't care whether you're asleep or not. I would find that to be unacceptable. Has he always been like this?

DoreenLethal Sat 09-Apr-16 22:03:13

He stopped, then decided to wait until you couldnt say no.

GeorgeTheThird Sat 09-Apr-16 22:05:47

I think he's messing with your head. It's not hard to tell when someone is asleep.

Abed Sat 09-Apr-16 22:05:57

I'm of the opinion that it's pretty fucking obvious when someone is asleep.

He's sexually assaulted you, hell I'd consider it rape and I'd urge you to report it.

Joysmum Sat 09-Apr-16 22:09:09

For him it would have been like him fucking an unresponsive corpse.

How does it feel that he used you and couldn't give a shit that you enjoy sex.

Now add into that the issues of consent...

GooodMythicalMorning Sat 09-Apr-16 22:09:30

I think he doesn't care you are sleeping. it is rape as you are not consenting to anything.

PlentyOfPubeGardens Sat 09-Apr-16 22:09:32

How can we stop it happening again?

Get as far away from him as possible. He's a creepy abusive man and his behaviour is not normal.

Babymamamama Sat 09-Apr-16 22:13:25

Totally unacceptable. You would be within your rights to report him to the police for that. You cannot consent to anything if you are asleep.

PennyHasNoSurname Sat 09-Apr-16 22:13:57

For him to choose to have sex with you when you were unable to consent, that is rape.

He is already pushy about sex, huffy when it doesnt happen and even wakes you in the night to ask again? Is he an addict or just a prick?

He raped you.

What would worry me is that you woke this time.

TheWeeBabySeamus1 Sat 09-Apr-16 22:14:28

When you normally have sex do you go up to bed first, lie there waiting for him with your eyes shut, say nothing when he walks in the room, make no attempt at foreplay (even kissing) and then just stay perfectly still while he sticks it in? Because unless that's the usual drill then of course he knew you were asleep - how could he not?

And yes, you are in charge of your own body and who you have sex with. Being in a relationship does not change that.

BeckyMcDonald Sat 09-Apr-16 22:17:37

How can we stop it happening again?

He can stop raping you by ensuring you consent when he has sex with you. Or you can stop him raping you by leaving. I would be doing the latter. Quite frankly.

Of course he knew you were asleep, because you were unresponsive.

Treysanatomy Sat 09-Apr-16 22:19:30

He knew you were asleep. This is normal, this is abuse.

Treysanatomy Sat 09-Apr-16 22:20:18

Sorry - should read this is NOT normal. Sorry OP flowers

PenguinsAreAce Sat 09-Apr-16 22:23:41

I'm sorry, he raped you. You should end the relationship. This is not a grey area flowers.

Bogeyface Sat 09-Apr-16 22:30:25

If he was drunk and it was a one off then I might be able to believe that he thought you were awake. But if he was that drunk then he is unlikely to be able to have sex and the fact that he has never taken you seriously when you said no, leads me to believe that he knew full well that you were asleep and decided to do it anyway. I would also be thinking that it has probably happened before.

Ninjagogo Sat 09-Apr-16 22:34:58

I have never said this before, but LEAVE THE BASTARD. He raped you. He will probably do it again. Please get help and get away. I would also report him to the police.

ItsInTheDogsMouth Sat 09-Apr-16 22:35:55

I agree with other people - it is rape and the safest way to make sure it doesn't happen again is to leave him. However, if you choose to stay with him, then you could have a 'rule' that says he must have your verbal consent to have sex, some clear, pre-agreed word, not just him interpreting a sleepy mumble from you.

EweAreHere Sat 09-Apr-16 22:37:00

Do you have a daughter?

Ask him how he's feel if a future boyfriend crawled into her bed and started feeling her up or having sex with her while she was asleep.

This is criminal.

MrsH1989 Sat 09-Apr-16 22:37:05

He raped you. And the fact that he "laughed it off" means he wouldn't be averse to doing it again.

charlotteswigwam Sat 09-Apr-16 22:37:16

SpeaknoWords, No he hasn't always been like this but to be honest, before we had a baby I don't think I said no that often (no reason too) so it was less of an issue. I think part of the problem is we slipped into a situation where (sometimes not always) I would say no at first, he would push and then I would eventually say OK then. He would then start saying "but we know each other you want sex really". SO thats when I made a point of not giving in (which sounds unnecessarily combatitive but I don't know how else to describe it) and he would persist for ages. Thats when I sat him down and talked about it and he agreed to change and to be fair he did. Its just it always feels like I confront him on one part of his behaviour, he agrees to change and then starts doing something else instead. Which probably then looks like I'm always finding something to complain about from his perspective.
I've tried showing him that Tea video on consent but I don't think he gets it...

lorelei9here Sat 09-Apr-16 22:41:24

Well Charlotte, he's raped you...what will you do now?

Genx77 Sat 09-Apr-16 22:41:40

'We' can't stop this from happening.......'he' needs to stop this from happening by not raping you.
Sounds like he went out, got pissed, fancied a shag when he got home so undressed you and raped you. How could he think you were awake? Didn't he find it strange that you didn't speak when he was removing your clothes and sexually assaulting you?
Rape isn't always a strange man hiding in a dark alley waiting to pounce, it's often the man you're married too, doing what he likes to your body without consent and then playing mind games to make it look like you're the one with problem....

lorelei9here Sat 09-Apr-16 22:42:48

To the poster saying how would he feel if it were his daughter, It's quite possible he wouldn't care. Men whi think women are there for sex and babies think that of all women.

ASAS Sat 09-Apr-16 22:43:15

I despair for humanity. And that's not me being dramatic. What hope is there for humanity when this is how an otherwise normal, I assume, man treats the mother of his child.

OP on a really serious note you need to think carefully about actually ending the relationship and going to the police. How on earth will you be able to sleep in your own bed? This swine. Glad you're here to talk with us.

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