Ive just ruined DPs birthday

[Calmdownboris1]

I don't know if Ive messed this up or not.

DP had an affair, I found out in Jun. we split, got back together in Oct. We have DS aged 3. He was seeing OW for 10 months. We have been together 15 years.

Its DPs birthday today. DS had a birthday party this morning so I booked a massage and facial for DP as a treat whilst we were out. DP has woken up with a virus and couldnt go. He also said he was too ill to open the gifts I had chosen for him.

I don't know why but Ive flipped. I just wanted one happy memory. The last 18 months have been so hard for me. He has messed up my birthday for the last 3 years not getting me presents, not being there on Mothers Day. Every special occasion he has ruined. Say for example, we had a meal at the ritz bought for us. He stayed out all night the night before and rolled in at 11am. I then either have to let it go or have to cancel something Ive looked forward to for months.

I know its not his fault he is ill but I blame him because he doesnt look after himself. He drinks too much etc.

Last year, I took him out to a Gordon ramsey restaurant for his bday. When we got hime he went to the OW overnight (obviously I didnt know where he was). He then drove him at 8am so we could take DS to legoland. Obviously I went with it so as not to disapoint DS.

2015 he stood me up on his bday (I had a restaurant booked and had delivered a cake) and went out for a curry with his mates instead of out for dinner with me and DS. He stayed out all night.

I took this week off work to spend together. He ended up having to work in Spain from
mon - thur completely unexpected. He was supposed to be back wed morning, then it changed to thur morning then thur at midnight.

MIL has taken DS overnight as we were supposed to be going out for dinner. He wouldnt talk to me, just kept on ignoring me telling me to F off. I NEEDED to talk to him, I needed to let him know how much I'm hurting.

I get all these flashbacks of "this time last year" and when he was with OW and the lies he told.

I completely exploded, screaming at him. He recorded me going crazy. I was shouting in his face.

I accused him of still being with OW, of having an affair with a woman he works with and made him call her.

He stays out all night at least once a week, I feel like my world is upside down and I don't know who to trust. My closest friends knew about OW and didnt tell me.

I'm just sat here sobbing and he is downstairs. I feel like I'm crazy.

I would sell and take the 20k hit just to get rid of this fucker

Yep. Consider it destructive arsewipe removal tax. Cheap at twice the price.

Get your paperwork together to prove your contributions, and take them to a solicitor. Find out exactly what you have to do in order to get him off the house deeds.

A home isn't worth it my love , your self respect and your future are much more important .
Leave him please

Get some legal advice asap.

You have made some poor decisions in this relationship, and now need to wise up.

Your hope for romance and him becoming nice, and your persistence in arranging expensive treats seems delusional and self destructive given his consistently poor treatment and disrespect of you.

You say you won't leave because of your DS. You are doing DS no favours at all staying in this relationship.

I also remember worrying about the debt keeping me there..But my ex ( spent any extra on drugs)..IT was never going to get to a point we weren't in debt.

I am not now.

I am sure he is.

You might not get to keep the house but your happiness is worth more than a building. Your DS also deserves a happy mum..This is worth more than any building which your DP is filling full of unhappy memories.

Spend your money on legal fees, not gifts for this loser.

Yes to the holiday

OP he caused this argument so he can go out and blame you. Tell him to fuck off. He is treating you and your son in a despicable manner. You will drive yourself mad staying with this man and living on the edge. Go to your family for help and contact a solicitor on Monday. Do not let this man manipulate you, be strong for your son if not for yourself. Good luck.

Oh Calmdownboris1 you poor thing. You deserve better than this. Please be brave enough to leave. At least seek advice. There is help available for you. I know it seems scary but one step at a time you can get there and be happy.

I've read a lot of posts similar to this on mn and I can't think of another that I've so much wished op to have a new happy life with her ds away from her husband.

Tell him it's fine that he goes out, bag all his stuff up when he's gone, leave it on the lawn and go to sleep with the chain on the door/key in the lock.

Photocopy or email to yourself all important documents to do with the house, bank accounts etc. Find passports, birth certificate and anything else important to you. I'd be tempted to empty the joint bank account if you have one, but I don't know if that's "allowed" or not.

Phone your mum/sister/a good friend and tell them. Everything. Nothing here is your fault and you need some real life support and cheerleading.

I know it seems like a load of shit you can't face at the moment, but you can do it, I promise. Life will be so much better when you are clear. It'll be like coming into spring from winter.

Omg this is a definite Ltb. He's making you very unhappy. He's unfaithful and treats you like crap. Where the hell is he when he's out all night? That's absolutely not normal. Please get rid. You will feel so much better for it after the initial stress.

You deserve much more than this please don't stay because of your dc this is no happy family home or model of a relationship
This PATHETIC excuse for a "partner" needs fucked right off!!!! Get rid now please!! Listen to your family he's a arsehole. Leave him please! He's going to do this ALL YOUR LIFE he will not change!

He's still fucking the OW, that much is obvious. He knows you're going to keep on rolling over and taking a kicking because of the house. Where's your respect? For yourself, your child? Nothing is going to change unless you MAKE the change. Seriously, this shit for the rest of your life? Don't you think you're worth a bit more?
I'd get an Sti check too.

Stop.

Stop.

Stop.

Stop hoping he will change. Stop hoping he will suddenly repent and go back (??) to how he was ( was he ever very nice? I doubt it.) Stop placing your value and less than zero.

He is a TOTAL CUNT. He will NEVER NOT BE A TOTAL CUNT.

Take a deep breath and lean on all the wise women here who have trod this path and come out better, stronger and happier. It can be your future but only you can make this happen because he's going to keep pis sing all over you for just as long as you allow it.

When you've decided we are right ( you could get a 1000 replies on here and all will say the same), see a solicitor, make your plans and kick this worthless, disgusting person out of your life forever.

and . Now start writing a list and get planning.

You and your son deserve so much better than this. Get rid and get legal advice on Monday.
You are strong and independent so will thrive without him. Your son will be better off with just you and not in this environment with an arsehole of a dad who shows no respect.
He's got it easy and will just keep treating you like this as he knows he can get away with it.
So sorry you are going through this

Look at your thread title.

Why are you blaming yourself?

Nothing is ruined-he is making sure that he is having the birthday that he wants & has been an absolute bastard to you & your/his son to make sure that that happens.

He doesn't deserve the nice things that you plan but mostly he doesn't want them because they involve being with you.

He is treating you with absolute contempt.

Don't keep going back for more.

You CAN and DO do everything on your OWN!!! Sell the house give him half and go. He needs you. You don't need him. He's a fucking nasty piece of work. Get out now

When he goes out pack his bags and don't let him back in, I would go as far as changing the locks tbh. He is bullying you and thinks you won't do it. Show him you've had enough of his shit he sounds like a selfish ungrateful prick! You deserve better.

TWAT. GET RID. Nothing else to add, except been there, have T - shirt and you will be wearing the damned thing for the rest of your life. You want to be reminded of his other 'anniversaries' forever? Fuck it, OP - you're better than this shit.

I have a feeling this prick won't go out tonight now.

He senses he has pushed it just a little too far and op will be so pathetically grateful they will make up

Until the next time

The thing is, you've lost that £20K already. He won't pay that back. He thinks he can do whatever he wants and you'll take it. There's no reason to expect to see that money again.

What would it take for you to get rid of him? What would he have to do?

This needs to end. I had a feeling this was the prick you found out had an affair on holiday

How you can even be in the same house as him behaving like this...

He's gone from too ill to open presents this morning to being well enough to go out tonight...

You didn't ruin his birthday, he is ruining your life. Horrible role model for your son too, consider ending the relationship, get your peace of mind back.