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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ive just ruined DPs birthday

294 replies

Calmdownboris1 · 11/03/2017 17:34

I don't know if Ive messed this up or not.

DP had an affair, I found out in Jun. we split, got back together in Oct. We have DS aged 3. He was seeing OW for 10 months. We have been together 15 years.

Its DPs birthday today. DS had a birthday party this morning so I booked a massage and facial for DP as a treat whilst we were out. DP has woken up with a virus and couldnt go. He also said he was too ill to open the gifts I had chosen for him.

I don't know why but Ive flipped. I just wanted one happy memory. The last 18 months have been so hard for me. He has messed up my birthday for the last 3 years not getting me presents, not being there on Mothers Day. Every special occasion he has ruined. Say for example, we had a meal at the ritz bought for us. He stayed out all night the night before and rolled in at 11am. I then either have to let it go or have to cancel something Ive looked forward to for months.

I know its not his fault he is ill but I blame him because he doesnt look after himself. He drinks too much etc.

Last year, I took him out to a Gordon ramsey restaurant for his bday. When we got hime he went to the OW overnight (obviously I didnt know where he was). He then drove him at 8am so we could take DS to legoland. Obviously I went with it so as not to disapoint DS.

2015 he stood me up on his bday (I had a restaurant booked and had delivered a cake) and went out for a curry with his mates instead of out for dinner with me and DS. He stayed out all night.

I took this week off work to spend together. He ended up having to work in Spain from
mon - thur completely unexpected. He was supposed to be back wed morning, then it changed to thur morning then thur at midnight.

MIL has taken DS overnight as we were supposed to be going out for dinner. He wouldnt talk to me, just kept on ignoring me telling me to F off. I NEEDED to talk to him, I needed to let him know how much I'm hurting.

I get all these flashbacks of "this time last year" and when he was with OW and the lies he told.

I completely exploded, screaming at him. He recorded me going crazy. I was shouting in his face.

I accused him of still being with OW, of having an affair with a woman he works with and made him call her.

He stays out all night at least once a week, I feel like my world is upside down and I don't know who to trust. My closest friends knew about OW and didnt tell me.

I'm just sat here sobbing and he is downstairs. I feel like I'm crazy.

OP posts:
Norfolkgirl1 · 11/03/2017 18:12

My dear girl, please don't take any more crap from this arsehole. Being on your own will be so much easier, believe me. He blames you for his behaviour and you think you are in the wrong? You are not. Where are your friends or family? Can they help you? Either change the locks or move out, preferably now. See a Solicitor and start again. You owe it to yourself and your child to have a better life - don't waste any more time on this weak excuse for a man. You can do it, and you will be so proud of yourself when you have. Nobody on here has said you are unreasonable. We are all on your side. Leave him. x

Patriciathestripper1 · 11/03/2017 18:12

Jayzus girl, he's got it all - nice single life going out with mates and coming home when he wants, Someone at home to cook and clean and make things nice for him and look after his dc.
You need to stop thinking of what you might loose like your house. You can get another it's only stuff. Do you want your Ds to grow up like the pig you are living with?
Take it as a wake up call and leave before you have absolutely no self respect left.
He is a liar a cheat and a user.
Do you have any family that would put you up? If so. Pack your bags and go and don't look back no matter how he begs and pleads because it won't be because he loves you it will be because he wants clean clothes do he can go out.

AnyFucker · 11/03/2017 18:13

Does he not work ?

Original poster
Calmdownboris1 · 11/03/2017 18:13

He will not leave this house for good, thats for sure.

OP posts:
OnionKnight · 11/03/2017 18:13

Get rid, he's a cunt.

AnyFucker · 11/03/2017 18:14

Where did he go when you were separated ?

Starlight2345 · 11/03/2017 18:14

He has worn you down to expect nothing..

I am not suprised you snapped..You know he was never going out with you tonight.He already has plans and now he has a reason to blame you.

He treats you like crap.. The reason you put up with it is for your DS is not ok..Do you want your DS to grown up and think this is how to treat a woman. I remember putting everything into my marriage..It became so one sided..It can never work if only one is trying.

You need to rediscover yourself and you won't do it with him in the house.

Catrina1234 · 11/03/2017 18:14

Oh no - I usually try to think of something, rather than just joining within everyone else and telling you to leave, but I honestly can't and I think everyone is right. The big trouble though is that I don't think you have enough emotional resilience to move from this man. I think you keep hoping that things will change and he will start to treat you like you treat him - noooooooooo afraid not, it doesn't work like that.

I agree with others that he's either back with OW or has another one, where is he supposed to be when he stays out all night, and this extended "work" in Spain sounds very suspicious. But then I suppose he can't be blamed because he knows he can do it - there are no repercussions. It's not fair on your little boy to have have to live like this. You mention not wanting to lose the house -if it's a mortgage, then you need to see if one of you can buy the other out, and if not it will need to go for sale and the equity split. If it's a rent, then you will need to give notice and find yourself a private rent. Where did you go when you separated? Honestly this bloke is going to bring you nothing but trouble and misery - why waste you life on him. He's not going to change. And that was all play acting about being ill this morning - a cold and too ill to open the present from his little son. He's a jerk.

AnyFucker · 11/03/2017 18:14

See a solicitor on Monday.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 11/03/2017 18:15

Op if your family hate him so much I bet they would be only delighted to see you and your ds arriving. He is such a prick and you are worth so much better, give yourself a gift and leave, you deserve better

Original poster
Calmdownboris1 · 11/03/2017 18:15

He is self employed. Makes barely anything and has £20k debt secured against our house that I can't afford to pay off/take on

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 11/03/2017 18:15

I really hate to say this, but I think this man has driven you so mad that you can't see what's right and what's wrong.

He has behaved so despicably and treats you with such contempt and yet everything you do is to try to make him be nice to you.

He won't be nice to you. He doesn't like you. He is with you because you let him do whatever he wants and you fund him.

Please, find some strength inside yourself and get the locks changed.

AshesandDust · 11/03/2017 18:16

So he got over his virus pretty sharp.
You sound lovely and far too kind for your own good - he,
on the other hand, is a user, a misery maker and a joyless prick.
LTB.

Original poster
Calmdownboris1 · 11/03/2017 18:16

He slept at OW house, his mums and friends when we split. He was very obviously outwardly in a relationship with her for maybe 4 weeks. He even introduced her to his mum!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 11/03/2017 18:18

Is there equity in the house ?

I would sell and take the 20k hit just to get rid of this fucker

It seems like you can support yourself, so start taking steps. You are only ad trapped as you allow yourself to be. At the moment, you still want this relationship to work. Until you accept it won't you are in a prison of ypur own making.

Norfolkgirl1 · 11/03/2017 18:19

He is self employed. Makes barely anything and has £20k debt secured against our house that I can't afford to pay off/take on
If he invests as much time in his work as his marriage, I'm not surprised. Walk away and leave him to his debts.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 11/03/2017 18:20

Dump the fucker. Seriously.
Get some self esteem. You can do better.

THirdEeye · 11/03/2017 18:21

Were you on holiday when you found out about the OW?

You need to leave. He is a cocklodger, has no respect nor love for you and is abusive.

Original poster
Calmdownboris1 · 11/03/2017 18:21

I don't want THIS relationship to work, I want the old relationship back. Before he started to emotionally abuse me, before I was so ground down.

I feel so stubborn about this house, its mine and DS sanctuary, Ive paid for everything and its our home.

To be honest though, if I could wave a magic wand it wouldnt be for DP to change, it would be for him to disappear- that says it all really. I want him to disappear.

OP posts:
SusieOwl4 · 11/03/2017 18:21

Did you go to a solicitor when you split up before to find out your rights?

Zampa · 11/03/2017 18:21

Stay angry. Change the locks when he goes out. See a solicitor on Monday.

You deserve SO much better.

FlowersGin

LIZS · 11/03/2017 18:22

He sets this up to deliberately turn it into your fault every time. He will never take responsibility for the relationship breaking down, his affair , accruing debt .... The list goes on. Please rethink what you are getting put of is, all you seem to have is ds and misery. You and ds deserve more. I too would question his sudden trip this week and the weekly overnights out. That is not normal behaviour. If he isn't having an affair he may be gambling , having ons or seeing sex workers.

Squeegle · 11/03/2017 18:22

Could you go home to your family? Do you own part of your home? If you have been paying the mortgage then you are definitely entitled to some of it

LIZS · 11/03/2017 18:23

Do I recall a thread about you finding out on holiday?

Shockers · 11/03/2017 18:23

If he's sleeping out at least once a week, he's still seeing someone else.

It will be difficult at first, but if you get rid of him now, you will eventually move on to better things. He isn't supporting you emotionally, or financially... and he's making you sad.

Make him go and reclaim your life. Flowers