Ex H is dating a 17 year old and our eldest is 16.

[user1489096597]

I'm really not keen on this. Our eldest child is 16 and obviously she's only a year older. Eldest thinks it's not right and isn't particularly keen on seeing her dad while he is seeing her but our youngest is 5 and I obviously make that decision. I don't know if it's enough to not be keen on him seeing his dad anymore?

It's just totally blurring boundaries for children and will be very confusing for them both. Worse for your dd but far from ideal for the younger child. My god, how confusing will it be for a five year old to see daddy with a contemporary of his sibling? Is there a chance he might take on board this point - or perhaps more diplomatic ones re maturity etc - and agree to keep one child away from the other during contact?
Your dd will probably want blot the whole thing out of her mind I imagine

I'm very sorry for your experience littlemiss but I really don't think your situation is the norm or that it happened that way, based purely on your ages.

I was 16, when I started going out with my boyfriend he was 20. He wasn't/isn't controlling and we have a healthy and equal relationship. He never put any pressure on me, unlike my 16 year old boyfriend tried.

Just point out you cant fit a child seat in a sports car, when he doesn't understand tell him that's the classic next step in the male midlife crisis

I think this will be disturbing for your 5 year old. I wouldn't have thought he would see this girl as a 'grownup' but as a girl who could be friends/schoolmates with his sister and wonder why Daddy sees her as a 'Mummy' figure.

You'd be justified in insisting she isn't part of contact for now and that she's only introduced in the future if her relationship with your ex is both longterm and stable and when both she and your DS are a bit older.

Your DD can make up her own mind. I feel really sorry for her, she must be disgusted with her Dad.

graph which comments? The ones about the OP not being able to legitimately deny him access?

I posted that because its true. and I would hate the OP to end up in a situation where her ex fights for full residency on the basis of parental alienation, which he could. Better to manage the situation without recourse to court until this "relationship" blows itself out rather than go in guns blazing and possibly force his hand into doing something that will damage the OP and her kids far more.

It's not paedophilia but it does have a name. I was thinking it was hebephilia but that is under 15

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ephebophilia

Not that it makes any difference.

A bit like Emboo says, next year I'll be 40 with a 19 yr old dd and 17 yr old son, it would be beyond gross if I started going out with one of my son's friends. Actually not sure why you are defending the dad's behaviour. It's appalling and completely unnecessary! :(

I would worry about the effect this will have on the Op's DD.
Some years ago I was working as a retail manager in a store, I had a lovely Saturday girl working for me who was in 6th form. Her Dad started an affair with one of her friends after giving her a lift home. Up to the time I lost contact with her (some years later) neither her or her siblings had any sort of contact with him, or intended to, it was a step too far.
I am not against age gap relationships (i am older than DH and Ds's wife is 12 years older than him) but as a PP said between the ages of 16 and 26 you alter/mature quite radically.

What do the 17 year old's parents think about it? Their views might be of more influence.

As well as pinkblink's suggestion.

"It undermines the meaning of the word and the damage that a sexually active paedophile can do to a young child." The age at which abuse happens is in my opinion not less damaging to older children.

In this case while not illegal (unfortunately) it is morally reprehensible and damaging to his children and I suspect not having the healthiest effect on the 17 year old either.

Where does the OP say the girlfriend is still at school?

She's 17. She needs to be in education or training by law

pyong described the girlfriend as "still in school". But the OP has not said this.

A 17-year-old could be in a job with training attached, in an apprenticeship or could, like a friend of my DS's, have just given birth.

That's gross but not illegal. If he's not her teacher or didn't meet her through being in a position of trust then there's not much to be done. As someone else said though, do her parents know?

Graph I meant that referring to someone who isnt a paedophile as one, doesnt help the OPs argument and devalues its meaning when dealing with true paedophiles. I totally agree that age is no bar to being a victim of abuse, but that the man in this case, while a vile and disgusting one, is not a paedophile.

Suburban I rather hoped that the point that this young woman will be in education of some sort, be it vocational or otherwise, was covered by "at school". I wasnt aware that all of the different types of education that she may be in needed listing ...... ffs
And yes, she could have just given birth but given that the OP hasnt mentioned it we can safely assume that she hasnt.

I know what you were trying to say but I just found the way you worded it quite hurtful and dismissive of older abuse victims. What we label these creeps is imo irrelevant.

I was trying to counter the previous poster who was throwing "pedo" [sic] around to describe this man.

I really didnt mean it to be hurtful or dimissive, quite the opposite in fact, so if it came across that way then I apologise unreservedly

I think that's wrong on many levels

Exactly how might this affect his ability to be a good or bad father ?

Thank you pyong

At the age of 21 or 22 I decided that any girl under 20 wasn't likely to be mature enough that I'd want to date her. I can't imagine what they have to talk about, but then I guess its not talking they're doing!

I mix with quite an age range, through sport, am a similar age to the man in question and really anyone below about 23 is very much still a child in my eyes.

That said the last time a woman showed an interest was a couple of weeks ago, its not something which happens to me, ever. My marriage is having major troubles with the consensus on here being that I should walk, the woman girl who was flirting very obviously with me is I would think about 25. I won't lie, it was very flattering but it wouldn't have turned my head as I'd would have just felt like a dirty old perv.

:)

Exactly how might this affect his ability to be a good or bad father?

It depends on how he views the two young women in this situation, his DD and his GF, and whether he is more concened with his sons welfare than his own sex life.

That could be said for anyone who is dating again after a relationship breakup and juggling visitation with children with the new life, or indeed juggling a new relationship with parenthood if you are the resident parent too.

I think the main problem is with the incredible damage this must do to the 16 yo DD's sense of having a parent, sense of what she may mean to her father, sense of what her friends potentially represent to her own father.

The fact that a man could go out and do this either thoughtlessly or after thinking about the implications but dismissing them when he has a 16 yo DD shows a massive amount of self absorption and self centeredness, and I think we can extrapolate from there that he isn't top class parent material for either one of his children.

Pinkblink - excellent!

If my teen was seeing a 42yo. Fuck you know I'd keep talking to her. But we are younger. My dh would probably hit him. Neither of us would like it.

Your boy still has to see his dad. Worse luck.

Who he dates and the ability to be a parent are not linked in anyway, and that is exactly what a judge will tell you. You also run the risk of looking bitter and jealous.

Quite interesting too see these views on a 17 year old and a 44 year old.
I have a family member that is a 49 year old female who is in a purely FWB relationship with a 23 year old. The FWB is the exact same age as her son.
Would my family member get these comments? It's a 26 year age gap quite similiar to OPs ex and new partner.

I think it's weird. I once dated someone who's stepmum was a year younger than him. His dad and her began dating when she was 16, him 34. It gets even stranger by the fact she tried to seduce the son multiple times and when that failed, went for the dad!! 2 kids later and its still weird.
No advice re the 5yo sorry!