Ex H is dating a 17 year old and our eldest is 16.

[user1489096597]

I'm really not keen on this. Our eldest child is 16 and obviously she's only a year older. Eldest thinks it's not right and isn't particularly keen on seeing her dad while he is seeing her but our youngest is 5 and I obviously make that decision. I don't know if it's enough to not be keen on him seeing his dad anymore?

how long has this been going on for?is it something you see mid life fling?
be there for your kids.im thinking your teen must be so confused about this.at that age already their own vunerabilty of puberty etc seeing dad possibly dating someone he ordinarily might.ooo confused and hermones! talk to them.
with the younger they wont know what going on so try your best to not let them feel your uncomfortableness and take it on.theyll want to copy mum but wont no why.
this is a really tricky one and I'm sorry for you.focus on your kids.your ex will do what he wants so you have to gaige how your kids are taking it and then support.
could you talk to your ex,voice your concerns.this might help yo feel better or even worse but then you might have a better idea of where you need or want to go with this next.

Strictly speaking a paedphile is sexually interested in pre pubescent children, so a 17 (or indeed 15) year old would not be of interest to them. But it is still all kinds of wrong.

paedOphile, typo

I think someone viewing someone the same age (near enough) as their own child in a sexual way is pretty fucked up behaviour.

I would be wondering if there was abit more going on if it was out of the blue, mind you that's only because I once knew a 46yo who started a relationship with a 18yo from the same year as his own child and it turned out he had taken up a serious coke habbit and was in the midst of a serious mental health crisis he's better and clean now and appalled at the situation he put his child in and the girl he was seeing, sadly none of his kids have even clapped eyes on him since and none of them will let him see there own kids they think he's a disgusting filthy pervert.

OP, post in Legal, as in some areas there is an age gap limit - where I live, there's a period between 'absolutely not legal at all' and 'fully consenting adult who can make their own decisions' and during that period the child can only have consensual sex with someone within I think 2 years older/younger otherwise it's not legal. So do check it out as you don't want to be considered complicit for knowing.

On another note, you mightn't be able to stop a 5 year old's contact, but I can tell you that your 16 year old will be very affected by this. When I was 14 my parents separated; when I was 15 I found out it was because my DF had been having an affair with a much younger woman. They lived together for a year or so until the differences between them became too great for the relationship to last. My DB and I genuinely liked her, but she was only a few years older than my DB and my opinion of men - and, upsettingly, of my dad, and of relationships - has never, ever recovered. I'm still in counselling off and on 20 years later.

I wish you and your children well. Hugs. Hard situation.

Have you got a male family friend in their forties who could pose as your daughter's new partner? See how he responds to that...

I'm usually a defender of age gap relationships, being in one myself, but that does feel "off". Must be very unsettling for your 16yo in particular.

However this comment from a PP annoyed me: Omg. That is gross. No wonder your dd is refusing to see him. She is only 12 years older than your youngest.

I'm 11 years older than my DSD and I've been more of a mother to her at times over the years than her real mum, to the point she's taking me out for lunch in a couple of weeks on Mother's Day. There's nothing "gross" about my relationship with her father and she's not screwed up, nor has it affected her relationship with either of us. Fair enough I was in my mid-20s when her dad and I got together rather than 17 and no, there aren't 26 years between him and me. There may be and probably are many things that are "gross" about the OP's ex's relationship but a 12 year gap between the girl and the youngest child isn't automatically one of them.

If a child started their periods at aged 9 then no, generally speaking a paedophile wouldnt be interested in them sexually.

Unfortunately "Paedo" has become a catch all for anyone over the age of 18 who has a sexual encounter with anyone under the age of 16 and I think thats wrong.

It undermines the meaning of the word and the damage that a sexually active paedophile can do to a young child. It also assumes that all sexual abusers of children are paedophiles when in fact many are not, in the same way that most rapes are not as a result of sexual urge or frustration.

To use the word to describe the relationship in the OP is just as damaging as to say "Well she is over 16 so its fine".

I wonder if the ex-husband's girlfriend's parents know that their daughter is seeing a 44 year old?

Most dads I know would want to warn your ex off or threaten to beat him up.

OTOH I wonder if the girlfriend is living with just her mum and hasn't had her dad in her life or has seen very little of him.....she may be looking for a father figure.

I do remember though when I was about 18 to 19 and going to pubs and nightclubs with my mates......there were always a few (creepy) guys in their late 30s-40s who were divorced or seperated and they were always hitting on us, trying to impress us with their new cars (rather than the old bangers we all had) and buying drinks for us lol!

This must be so hard for you.

I agree post in legal as to what you can do.

To those saying the 5 year old won't be bothered. I can clearly remember my dads affairs with young women. Very disturbing

If it's judgemental to say that this is flat-out wrong and disgusting, then I'm fine with being called judgemental.

Loser. (The ex, I mean.)

stitchglitched Thu 09-Mar-17 23:17:09
I'd let him take me to court tbh. I doubt he'd be in any hurry to explain his relationship with a child his daughter's age to a judge. Creepy bastard

THIS^^

You might be uncomfortable being so hardnosed, but I think you would get away with it.

Btw, I am 43 and if any of the blokes in my social circle took up with a 17-year-old, I'm fairly sure they would be ostracised.

This is deeply disturbing.

The 5 year old will know and will be affected by this.

I wonder how he'd feel about your daughter having a 43 year old boyfriend.

My thoughts too.

It's very disturbing and the pp who said we should all 'get over ourselves and not judge', clearly doesn't get it.

We all judge and it's a situation that gives rise to be judged.

He's more than old enough to be her dad and it's disgusting. Any 44 year old man who came near my DD 17, would regret it very quickly and back off pretty quickly, after my DH and DBs had spoken to him.

I'd let him take me to court tbh. I doubt he'd be in any hurry to explain his relationship with a child his daughter's age to a judge. Creepy bastard

Sounds like a plan. Whether the judge is male or female, they'll have a view on it and I doubt it will be a positive one.

They may struggle to find an area under the law to deny him visitation though, but seeing him squirm would be be quite something.

Me and my other half have 26 years of difference. But i wasn't 17 when we met.

pyong

Where does the OP say the girlfriend is still at school? She could be a mother herself for all we know.

Have you got a male family friend in their forties who could pose as your daughter's new partner? See how he responds to that...

Barc!what an excellent idea - i really wonder how that would go down with your ex op?

I agree legal.

But for now is it the flaunting of their relationship you're not happy with your DS seeing? Or the man he's now become?

Because he's still his father I guess and nothing should have changed there, but if it's early days with the girl then could you just ask that time spent with your DS should be alone for now, not involving her. This could give you a bit of time to get on board with advice.

So sorry op what an uncomfortable situation for you. You think when an ex becomes an ex the problems should start to disappear but until the kids are older they're never out of your life eh?

for you. Because you're old enough to drink it.

I think it's totally morally wrong however, legally I don't think they're breaking the law. What on earth would you talk about with such a ridiculous age gap?

I'd be asking him how he'd feel about DD dating someone his age

I can never get my head around a grown ass man wanting to be with someone who he can't even take to the pub

That's sickening. I get some men front up with a 25 year old and other blokes are impressed and it panders to a guys vanity, but a 17 year old is just disturbing, and I don't know any man, or woman, who would think otherwise.

I've a nineteen year old daughter and I remember her and her mates st seventeen, and my friend has a seventeen year old son, no one at 44 thinks they are remotely adult.

I don't think you can do anything about it, your daughter is right not to see him if that's how she feels, and go with your instincts on the five year old. On one hand it would be a shame to damage their relationship by stopping your youngest seeing him, on the other, it's hard to ignore something like this.