Ex H is dating a 17 year old and our eldest is 16.

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I'm really not keen on this. Our eldest child is 16 and obviously she's only a year older. Eldest thinks it's not right and isn't particularly keen on seeing her dad while he is seeing her but our youngest is 5 and I obviously make that decision. I don't know if it's enough to not be keen on him seeing his dad anymore?

Pyong I am really surprised at your comments here given your own thread on raising the age of consent to 18.

I was abused from the age of 13 by my father, my ex had an affair aged 31 with a 17 year old who he has since married (as I said on other thread) it sickens me.

Any abuse of power in a sexual relationship is abhorrent and damaging. I would take my chances on this perv taking me to court too.

Indeed I did with my ex and my child had no contact with ow until ow was 20 for various reasons but it included her immaturity and lack of experience with children and my discomfort with the relationship. The judge literally shook his head when her age was given (and ex DID squirm).

Op if you get a solicitor that is experienced in dealing with difficult divorced preferably one with experience in child abuse you could well argue a case for the girlfriend not to be involved in contact.

In my case the judge also ordered supervised contact until reports were obtained.

If I were the op's daughter I would be less wondering how my father looks at my friends and MORE concerned with how he's looking at me! Deeply worrying behaviour. That may well be part of what's behind her not wanting to see her dad - she no longer feels safe around him!

I'm always disturbed when someone takes things like this to the extent and suggests the ops husband may be sexually attracted to his own daughter. That's a leap too far and simply not ok. It's beyond disgusting.

I had a number of relationships with older men, I never once found my father attractive, even writing that makes me nauseous. Yes this man is clearly interested in young girls, but that's a long way from finding your own child attractive.

Oh and that was a judge FIFTEEN YEARS AGO before all the savile/Adam johnson/rolf Harris stuff!

Given the current climate on this type of issue I can very well see a family court judge being very unimpressed with your ex's behaviour. Solicitor would be able to tell you how local judges would view it.

Is it? Who do you think a lot of sex offenders who are attracted to start with? Their own kids! Speak to charities that deal with this stuff and they'll tell you they would be thinking exactly that!

*who are attracted to under age victims

Similar thing happened to my work colleague about 5 years ago. Their dd was 15 at the time and the gf 18. Her dd refused to see her dad and afaik she hasn't seen him since, although she stayed in touch with her gps and cousins etc.
I'm struggling to imagine how a teenage girl wouldn't find this creepy as fuck. Most all have had unwanted sexual attention from middle aged men and the realisation that their own dad is no better isn't very nice. The 5yo will likely regard the gf as a 'grown up' and not think it all that weird. I would worry about someone whose sexual preference ran to someone that much younger being around my dcs tbh. It's a lovely idea to think that sex offenders don't abuse their own kids but it's hardly born out by facts. He's not technically a sex offender but he is the same age as me and in no way would I consider a 17 yo to be an appropriate sexual partner. 17 is the exact age where they are young enough to be manipulated and old enough for you not to go to jail for doing it.

Ask him how he'd feel if his DD was sleeping with one of his mates.

Ask him how he'd feel if his DD was sleeping with one of his mates.

It's that he has a daughter of a similar age that makes it wierd for me.

If the oldest doesn't want to go, isn't that her decision?

What are your concerns with regards to the 5yr old?

That the gfriend looks after him, that they all go out together?
(And he looks like a dad with his 2 kids?)

Where does the OP say the girlfriend is still at school?

She's 17. She needs to be in education or training by law because she is a child

Is it? Who do you think a lot of sex offenders who are attracted to start with? Their own kids!

I didn't say he was a sex offender, I said if I was his daughter I'd be concerned he was looking at me as a sexual person.

If I were the op I'd have the same concern about him being around my daughter. As the mother of a 16 year old I wouldn't want him anywhere near my daughter!

I said that people who ARE sex offenders often abuse their own children. That is true.

I hardly think its derailing as surely the reason the op and her dd are disgusted is BECAUSE he has a daughter near enough the same age.

I don't know why you are talking about sex offenders, maybe start a thread on it where that is the subject matter, because it's not here. The op said her daighter didn't want to see her father as she felt the relationship was wrong.

I'd have thought the issue wasn't as simple as being disgusted as she is near his daughters age, I'd have thought it was the sheer fact this is a 44 year old man involved with a 17 year old. Irrelevant of the age of the daughter most people find that in itself disturbing.

" Our eldest child is 16 and obviously she's only a year older."

2nd sentence op wrote so seems to me the closeness in age of his gf to his daughter is a major concern.

That's horrible!

Bleurgh, my dad did this sort of thing. Eventually his tastes did move on from teenagers to women in their 20s. Last I heard he was still getting up to revolting things with his young children's 23-year-old nanny (he's 77 now).

He was never sexually inappropriate with me at all - I think he was so compartmentalised that he really struggled to see me as female, because young women to him were sexual fodder, and I, as his child, was not. So it's not impossible for a man to be a lech with a penchant for teenage girls and not to see his own children that way. Wouldn't be so sure about his children's friends though.

If my brother & I had been prevented from seeing my father while this was going on, I suspect he would have painted my mother as mean and vindictive and jealous; I would have been able to see through this at the age I was, but my brother wouldn't have.

It's a grim situation, OP, but as long as you don't feel he poses a danger to your kids I think you have little choice but to allow contact to continue with your 5 year old.

When it comes to contact, no you can't stop your Ex H from seeing your 5 year old and it wouldn't be in the best interests of your child to be prevented from seeing their dad. Your DD on the other hand is old enough to make her own mind up.

I understand your disgust but in the eyes of the law he isn't breaking it and you would have a very difficult time in convincing a judge, that his behaviour would be grounds for suspending or terminating contact. Contact isn't a weapon and courts take a very dim view of parents suspending or terminating contact without just cause and feeling icky is nowhere near just cause.

Put your energies where they will best served and that is supporting your 16 year old.

I'm 18 months older than my oldest DSS. I got together with DH when I was 20 and he was 42. But there is a world of difference between 17 and 20. It seems like too big a gap to be a functional relationship without some element of control.

As the mother of a 16 year old I wouldn't want him anywhere near my daughter!

I think I'd be more concerned about him being around DDs friends.

Quite often men who do this are so immature and manipulative, that only a teenager or someone much younger would be naive enough to believe the nonsense that comes out of their mouth.

They want to be worshipped and seen as a 'thin god' and most fully functioning women around his own age will see through him.

It often comes from a place of insecurity and the need to feel superior.

I'm 19 and my dads only 40!! So this really makes my skin crawl and throw up in my mouth a little bit!
My dad looks much younger than he is and a lot of my friends in high school fancied him and that was disturbing enough. I know I wouldn't be able to forgive him if he was seeing someone so close in age to me and I would question if when my friends had been for sleepovers etc, had he been looking at them like that! I wouldn't question how he looks at me though, I'm his daughter it's very different.

My dad found it creepy when one of his friends was seeing a 17 year old, I was the same age at the time and he questioned if his friend had looked at me like that.
As much as he said, it was different as he'd known me from being a baby, it really effected his friendship with him. They broke up after a few months, when she got refused entry into a nightclub (no id!!) when they were out with all his friends. Apparently that was the moment he realised he was actually sleeping with someone who wasn't even old enough to go out drinking!!

I'd stop contact, it's hardly setting a good example for your young son.

It might not be illegal but it's hardly right. My youngest sister is 17 the thought of her with a middle aged mam is horrible.

It's hopefully a new relationship, and therefore inappropriate for him to introduce her to your son anyway.

If it's not a new relationship, it makes it even worse a she would have been 16 when they go together (or younger).

I think that even though she is over the age of consent...17 is very young and I would be inclined to think your ex is taking advantage of a very young woman. I know at 18 I was in a short relationship with a 30 year old because it made me feel mature and sophisticated. But after a month; I realised it was inappropriate. That she gap is even worse! She may be above the age of consent...but that is just dirty old man behaviour in my mind. There's no way in hell I would allow him to bring that young woman girl into my children's lives. When she is young enough to be his daughter. That's a bigger age gap than I have between me and my eldest.

Icky and wrong.

I was 16 when I met my ex. He was 24. I stayed with him for 13 years where he mentally and physically abused me. I had my first son at 17 and the other one at 19. Ex loved having total control over me and if I didn't do as I was told he didn't give us money for food and my boys went hungry. He also made it clear that if I left he would keep the kids as I was a mentally ill child. I broke free eventually but 13 years of daily abuse is hard to get over.
I think any man who has a relationship with a child should be questioned by police and a psychiatrist to see if they are a danger to that child. It is not normal for an adult male to want to have sex with a child (and I consider anyone under 18 to be a child). Normal adult men would not want or need to have that much more power in a relationship over another person. Normal men can be in healthy relationships with people their own age with opinions of their own and able to stand up for themselves.
Most children are taught not to stand up to adults and to do as they are told. I can see why some sick men would want a partner/ victim like that.

I'd tell him your daughter won't be visiting him this week as she is out with a 40 year old man, see what he thinks when it's his child dating an older man