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Relationships

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Original poster

DP wants me to give up my job

117 replies

msevs · 07/03/2017 14:11

DP and I have been together for ten years, and have two children aged 3 and six months. I am currently on maternity leave but will be returning to work full time in August. The problem is we will have two children in childcare, and it will cost more than I earn. DP thinks I should just give up my job as we can't afford for me to work. He has a day job and his own business that he works for during evenings, holidays and some weekends and told me that he has administrative work for me in connection to the business so that I would still technically be employed if I gave up my job. He also told me he would pay me more per hour than my current job pays.

I know he is right that we can't afford for me to work but the thing is, we are unmarried and despite the fact that he asked me to marry him after the birth of our second child, there has been no progress since then. We are short of money and I told him I would be happy with a registry office wedding, however he thinks this would be an anti-climax and would rather have a hotel wedding. Despite this I know he hasn't started putting any money to one side to pay for a hotel wedding and he hasn't even mentioned anything about getting married for weeks now. When I mentioned to him that family members have been asking me when the wedding will be, he told me that he isn't good with pressure so I feel like I can't bring it up now without pressurising him.

At the same time, I feel like I am in an impossible position as although I don't want to give up work and be financially dependent on him, it feels like I have no other option?

I have also been worrying about other matters such as our home, we are tenants in common and my name is on the mortgage but neither of us have a will. Whenever I have tried to discuss it with DP, he will either tell me I'm being morbid or just brush it off and says he'll need to get round to it at some point. DP also has two teenage children from a previous relationship and the eldest will be an adult in two years' time. I understand that if he dies intestate, his adult child would be his next of kin and his house share would also go to his children. Have I got this right? The lack of security really concerns me.

Sorry for the long post! Any advice or views would be appreciated.

OP posts:

Whatthefoxgoingon · 07/03/2017 14:14

No way. Don't give up your job. You're very vulnerable. Childcare costs should be split between the two of you. I don't understand men who won't pay for their own child's care costs, twats the lot of em.

Gingerbreadlass · 07/03/2017 14:15

If you somehow can afford it, please don't give up your job. I did for many years and didn't get compensated for my lack of earnings and drop in earning power due to having kids and moving abroad while he took on expat positions. Do you have any family that you could rope in to help?

Gingerbreadlass · 07/03/2017 14:16

What fox says. Why does your job have to pay for childcare? These are his kids, too!!

ElspethFlashman · 07/03/2017 14:16

No, your instincts are entirely correct.

You cannot rely he actually will have work for you when the time comes (he appears to be adept at excuses) or that he will claim for you as an official employee. It is unlikely he will draw up a contract with official salary and minimum hours, right?

AnyFucker · 07/03/2017 14:17

You would be very foolish to give up your means of supporting yourself in this set of circumstances

And the cost of childcare is shared ....so that would equate to half of your salary by your reckoning

ElspethFlashman · 07/03/2017 14:17

Do you have any access to his salary or do you have entirely separate finances?

Heirhelp · 07/03/2017 14:18

Do you want to give up your job?

If you decide yes then I would only do if you get married before you hand in your notice and any work you do for him should be done when the children are in school/childcare.

Original poster

msevs · 07/03/2017 14:19

To be fair, we have shared childcare costs for our eldest and he has paid more than me as he earns far, far more than I do, but for both children it would cost £1,500 a month. That would be more than my monthly salary.

OP posts:

Hellmouth · 07/03/2017 14:19

What I don't think she's saying he's refusing to pay for childcare, I think she's saying childcare is more than what she will bring in.

OP, I completely understand as I was in a similar position. I decided to go back to work, and I'm very glad as I did as DP just lost his job!

I think you should continue working if you won't, as a family, end up in debt to pay for childcare.

Whatthefoxgoingon · 07/03/2017 14:21

If care costs are £1500, you pay £750 and him £750. And now you'll have money left after paying for childcare. Simples.

BrieAndChilli · 07/03/2017 14:23

Do you pool your finances?
If you do and his salary is say £20000 and yours is £10000 but childcare would be £15000 it would make sense not to work - you give up work and household income is £20000 But if you work then household income is £15000

If your finances are completely seperate and you both currently pay for your own stuff then in the above scenario he should bring home 12500 after childcare and you would bring home 2500.

If you gave up work (because you want to and would like to spend the preschool years with the kids) I would insist on a quickie wedding first (you can do the whole reception party at some other time) as well as a work contract drawn up.

Stormtreader · 07/03/2017 14:23

I would absolutely not give up your job, 100% no.

If you cant talk to him about important stuff like wills and marriage without him getting arsey, imagine how it will be having him as your boss as well. What if you need to discuss an actual contract so you have PAYE contributions credited against you for your pension, or details of your actual salary?

It sounds like he already has quite a lot of power in the relationship by simply refusing to discuss things he doesnt want to, I wouldnt give him even more on top of that.

Original poster

msevs · 07/03/2017 14:23

We have separate finances at the moment but we are looking at getting a joint account.

OP posts:

Adora10 · 07/03/2017 14:24

He's not offering you much is he, entirely dependant on him financially and jack shit security; you are right to be concerned, he sounds flakey and unconcerned about your situation, he SHOULD.

At the very least you need a will so you and your kids are protected, if he won't do this, leave him, he's offering you nothing worth staying for.

Whatthefoxgoingon · 07/03/2017 14:24

I've earned less than childcare costs (in total) but we both kept powering through it for future gain. Now we have a high household income and it was totally worth it.

badg3r · 07/03/2017 14:27

How much more than your monthly salary would the total childcare cost? Will you get the 15 free hours when oldest dc is three? Agree with pp, don't give up your job unless you absolutely have no other option financially.

badg3r · 07/03/2017 14:28

Ah, read that oldest dc is 2 not 3!

MrsHathaway · 07/03/2017 14:30

The net financial result to the family finances would be a loss.

But it doesn't sound like you legally have family finances - you aren't married and appear not to pool resources. I think it would be unwise of you to chuck it all in without being married. Is part-time an option? Could you additionally do some of his paperwork (when he is available for childcare so not adding to that bill)? It's very tax efficient to do so. I agree with pps that you want that properly documented though.

If he dies intestate then his estate will be split equally between all his children ie four ways between his two teenagers and your two little children. I don't think the older ones could force a sale, but maybe they could demand to live in it or charge you rent on their part.

Does he have life insurance in your favour?

Patriciathestripper1 · 07/03/2017 14:30

Oooo be careful.
You will end up looking after your kids all day and working for him in the evenings for nothing. You will be out of the workplacd and financially dependent on him, not to mention being isolated from people.
I don't know if he contributes to childcare costs but he should if he isn't,
I would push the will as you have dependent children together so you need security for them.
You need to have a good talk with him regarding how you both move forward. Maybe the job change would be good for you but it sounds like you have other issues around marriage to work out before you make any big changes.

IAmNoAngel · 07/03/2017 14:31

If you are comfortable with giving up your job, tell him that you will do so after your wedding.

ElspethFlashman · 07/03/2017 14:31

Tbh I'd believe that joint account when I see it. You are looking into getting married too, and he's successfully put that off to a vague and indefinite future and shamed you into shutting up about it.

Hellmouth · 07/03/2017 14:31

I think separate household finances are irrelevant to be honest. I don't know why mumsnetters always harp on about joint finances.

DP and I have separate finances so he isn't tarred by my diabolical credit rating, and we still manage fine. What's more important is being open and honest about money.

I agree you need security.
And maybe you need to work out a budget and determine exactly what the shortfall would be, if any?

Not everyone can just push through for higher financial gain. We would be in debt 300 per month after childcare, if it wasn't for me doing copious amounts of overtime.

IrregularCommentary · 07/03/2017 14:34

I wouldn't. You're too vulnerable without being married to give up your job. The way he's suggesting it, all the risk is entirely yours. That's not right. Wrt inheritance: your children with him will be equally entitled to a share of his estate as his other children. You, however, won't be entitled to a penny. You'll have whatever proportion of the house is yours according to any agreement in place as part of the tenancy in common. You wouldn't be entitled to anything further though, and could be pretty vulnerable to his other dc wanting to sell the house to free up their share.

ElspethFlashman · 07/03/2017 14:34

Hellmouth it's when a woman isn't working and has no access to her partner's salary. It inevitably leads to financial abuse, and often she ends up using the child benefit for all household expenses. So they want to leave the relationship but they literally haven't got a penny even for train fare back to their parents.

Original poster

msevs · 07/03/2017 14:35

I've told him about my concerns for working for him, but he said that he would look at putting my name on the business and paying PAYE contributions, and that I could fit the hours around our family instead of having to fit things round my current employer. I would like the flexibility to be honest, but would not like him to be my boss as well as my partner, especially if something went wrong. I am already doing some admin work for him at the moment because he says he is under pressure with it all.

OP posts:

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