DP wants me to give up my job

[msevs]

DP and I have been together for ten years, and have two children aged 3 and six months. I am currently on maternity leave but will be returning to work full time in August. The problem is we will have two children in childcare, and it will cost more than I earn. DP thinks I should just give up my job as we can't afford for me to work. He has a day job and his own business that he works for during evenings, holidays and some weekends and told me that he has administrative work for me in connection to the business so that I would still technically be employed if I gave up my job. He also told me he would pay me more per hour than my current job pays.

I know he is right that we can't afford for me to work but the thing is, we are unmarried and despite the fact that he asked me to marry him after the birth of our second child, there has been no progress since then. We are short of money and I told him I would be happy with a registry office wedding, however he thinks this would be an anti-climax and would rather have a hotel wedding. Despite this I know he hasn't started putting any money to one side to pay for a hotel wedding and he hasn't even mentioned anything about getting married for weeks now. When I mentioned to him that family members have been asking me when the wedding will be, he told me that he isn't good with pressure so I feel like I can't bring it up now without pressurising him.

At the same time, I feel like I am in an impossible position as although I don't want to give up work and be financially dependent on him, it feels like I have no other option?

I have also been worrying about other matters such as our home, we are tenants in common and my name is on the mortgage but neither of us have a will. Whenever I have tried to discuss it with DP, he will either tell me I'm being morbid or just brush it off and says he'll need to get round to it at some point. DP also has two teenage children from a previous relationship and the eldest will be an adult in two years' time. I understand that if he dies intestate, his adult child would be his next of kin and his house share would also go to his children. Have I got this right? The lack of security really concerns me.

Sorry for the long post! Any advice or views would be appreciated.

No way I'd be marrying this arsewipe even with those things in place, he sounds as slippery as an eel.

Wedding dates can be booked and then postponed, something will come up at work that will mean you'll need to go "off the books", his will can be changed without your knowledge.

Not a chance.

Go and see a financial advisor on your own and find out all the options for your future, working for a legit employer, working 'for' or 'with' him, both as single people or married. Ask about who would inherit what if the worst happened out of the blue in all possible circumstances, find out what you need to do to make the best of that situation both as single and married, find out how wills would make a difference then sit down and have a long hard think about your future and its possible outcomes.

Then do what's likely to make your children and yourself the happiest and most financially secure.

He sounds like a catch

Just saw your update. I know the 'third victim' of a guy like this - left three women, with three sets of kids, and no support for any of them.

Taking everything you've said into account - for god's sake don't leave your job, it's the only thing giving you power, independence and security (and your kids).

I can't believe that he thinks you should shoulder all the costs.

He's not the only man have this warped view.

My friend's DH told said that "her going back to work, shouldn't cost him anything."

Because with her at home he wasn't paying childcare. It's a terrible way of thinking.

His will can be changed without her knowledge, but that matters much less if married. I'm not saying that makes it a good idea to marry him, just that it's rather more difficult to disinherit a spouse who you've been financially supporting. Unilateral will change is a bigger problem when unmarried cohabitants.

Childcare should come out of the joint family income, even if it is about the same as one person's income.

He needs to get a will sorted, as do you. If he dies without one his half of the house will be shared between all four children. And if you have no income of your own and his business and job die with him you are fucked.

Morbid it may be but a friend is currently going through court to get some of his father's estate, Father remarried and when father got dementia the new wife left him but didn't divorce because that meant she would inherit.

Blimey you are very vunerable.
Assuming you want to be with this man, arrange to see a solicitor asap to draw up wills. This is quite straightforward. Sort the joint account immediately. Not sure how you can "look into" a joint account you just chose a bank and do it.
And tell you you're leaving him unless he agrees to set a date for the wedding.
Register office is fine.
And definitely don't leave your job. One reason to justify not leaving your job is that your future earning potential is presumably much higher than if you worked for him.

What eh-heh-heverybody else has said. With bells on.

I only read "Lean In" recently, one of the main things that stuck with me was:

You're not working to necessarily earn loads of money right now - yes, for a few years you may be worse off having to pay for childcare. However, for the next 20 or 30 or however many years you have left of your working life, working now will give you a better salary and better prospects. Keep your job now as an investment for your future life. And as an investment in case things go pear-shaped as everyone else has said.

I agree stay working

If possible get a job that has holiday pay, sick pay, childcare vouchers, pension contributions, life insurance, redundancy payment and other benefits

You may not earn much now, but your children will be in school soon, so your earnings should increase over time

You re not married, so you have no protection

Surely the oldest will be in school relatively soon so the net loss in you working is pretty temporary? Don't give up your job, it'll be really hard to get it back once your children are older.

"What annoys me is that the mother of his eldest children was a SAHM and he has always made little digs about the fact that she didn't have a job, which I put down to bitterness about the split, but now he wants me to be in that same position? I also worry because he didn't marry her either and she was left with nothing."
Whoah. DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR JOB.

Agree with all the p.p above. To be brutal being a SAHM is really only an option for married women and even then they need to take measures to protect themselves.

This guy is interested only in protecting himself. I don't know whether you should marry him but for God's sake don't give up your job (and - forgive me - think very carefully before agreeing to having more children in this very precarious position).

What others have said - don't give up your job. You'd be crazy to do so without being married, as you have no protection and it makes you financially very vulnerable.

Also as AlwaysaNortherner has said, the cost of childcare is a short term hitch. It should be a shared expense anyway, rather than you viewing it as 100% of the your salary. The longer term benefits of work - your own money, your career prospects, and don't forget your pension. The pension issue is really serious - has he told you what employer contributions he'll make into a pension if you go to work for him?

Given his reluctance to do anything proactively about securing your position - marriage, wills, joint account - I would be taking steps to ensure I was as financially independent as possible.

Your situation is a bit of a mess - not by your doing. Marriage would cut through a lot of it, and not leave you & your DC potentially homeless if your DP were to die suddenly.

It sounds as though your DP likes things his way and doesn't think sensibly about the people he thinks he loves - you, and all his children.

Look at what he does, not what he says.

And.Don't.Give.Up.Your.Job.

While you're working, you're building a pension, you're building a CV, and you're keeping your independence.

Dear OP,

It's not his choice. It's yours.

Your career, your life.

His wants and needs (present or future) do not trump yours.

If you choose to invest in your (and your family's) future, he should be nothing but supportive.