DP wants me to give up my job

[msevs]

DP and I have been together for ten years, and have two children aged 3 and six months. I am currently on maternity leave but will be returning to work full time in August. The problem is we will have two children in childcare, and it will cost more than I earn. DP thinks I should just give up my job as we can't afford for me to work. He has a day job and his own business that he works for during evenings, holidays and some weekends and told me that he has administrative work for me in connection to the business so that I would still technically be employed if I gave up my job. He also told me he would pay me more per hour than my current job pays.

I know he is right that we can't afford for me to work but the thing is, we are unmarried and despite the fact that he asked me to marry him after the birth of our second child, there has been no progress since then. We are short of money and I told him I would be happy with a registry office wedding, however he thinks this would be an anti-climax and would rather have a hotel wedding. Despite this I know he hasn't started putting any money to one side to pay for a hotel wedding and he hasn't even mentioned anything about getting married for weeks now. When I mentioned to him that family members have been asking me when the wedding will be, he told me that he isn't good with pressure so I feel like I can't bring it up now without pressurising him.

At the same time, I feel like I am in an impossible position as although I don't want to give up work and be financially dependent on him, it feels like I have no other option?

I have also been worrying about other matters such as our home, we are tenants in common and my name is on the mortgage but neither of us have a will. Whenever I have tried to discuss it with DP, he will either tell me I'm being morbid or just brush it off and says he'll need to get round to it at some point. DP also has two teenage children from a previous relationship and the eldest will be an adult in two years' time. I understand that if he dies intestate, his adult child would be his next of kin and his house share would also go to his children. Have I got this right? The lack of security really concerns me.

Sorry for the long post! Any advice or views would be appreciated.

Of course you have options. Your concerns are legitimate. You don't have to give up your job if you don't want to.

He won't marry you, won't make a will, and dismisses you when you try to discuss it.

Yes childcare is expensive, but you only need it for a certain number of years. If you give up your job, your career and your earning potential will be negatively affected for the rest of your working life. This loss of income over the years will probably be much more than the childcare costs.

no no no no no don't!

My x just wanted an easy life. He didn't care about my equal protection if/when our unit broke down. In fact, he grudged paying maintenance and I was left with two young dependants and a break for motherhood on my cv and it has irreparably damaged my earning potential even now that my youngest will start secondary in September. I am still lucky to get minimum wage that fits around school hours.

I've dated a few men who were married and they still massively grudge their ex wives a portion of their pension even though 1) their wives' careers took the hit, and 2) they saved a fortune on childcare at the time. Not relevant when you're not married I know but it shows the mindset a lot of men have, they don't seem to fully grasp that it's bringing children in to the world that cost them.

A lot of men want it both ways. They want to be saved the cost of childcare and they still want 100% of their pension and to protect 'their' assets while you sacrifice your own potential.

Don't allow it to happen.

Also he had said the he will pay you more per hour than you current job if you work for him?? That dosnt really make sense.
If he can afford to go that then why not just pay the childcare from his second job and you keep working?

I would not like him to be my boss as well as my partner, especially if something went wrong.

That in itself is enough of a reason not to work for him IMO.

Not without being married first. And only if you want to be a sthm.

Don't do it - I did and he didn't support me. I was fortunate because I was able to return back to my company at the same salary but it was bloody frightening and I will never ever be in that position again where I am dependent on someone else.

Stuff that anyway, working for him and living together, sounds like a recipe for disaster, he's really offering you jack shit, it's to make his life easier, that's all.

Something very distasteful in a man that happily gets you pregnant twice but gives you zero security, do not be beholden to someone who is offering you nada.

Patricia cos he'll give her fuck all hours.

He wants yu to "fit the hours (Working for him) around the family ?

Hahaha. He's good, I'll give him that.

And how does one "look into" a joint account ? The same way he has been "looking into" getting married ?

The way you do it is you 1) choose account 2) open account 3) start putting money in account. There is only so much "looking into" you can do

You sound like you are about to sleep well into financial and relationship disaster, and you are the one that will pay the price

sleepwalk

Please do not become financially dependent on this man.

Nope not a chance I would ive up my job with tow dcs and not being married!!

working for him wouldn't count in my books because if things were going downhill, I would also loose my job as I'm pretty sure he wouldn't want me to carry on working with him. Plus I suspect he will find out that this will be quite expensive for company that is run in his spare time tbh. (think pension, taxes etc)
This is also assuming that the admin job he would give you would be in the same line than what you are doing atm, ie you would still progress and get experience in your field.

It does NOT make sense for you to stop working because YOUR wage doesn't cover the childcare cost.
Childcare costs aren't your sole responsibility, they are BOTH your responsibility. If he wants to reduce that cost, then he needs to think about a way to do it that doesn't negatively impact on you ONLY. He might want to think about going part time, you tow going at time to cover childcare etc etc

no bloody way would i give up my job without the legal protection of marriage and without an agreement of shared finances and equal right to access and use all money.

Absolutely this.

In your shoes OP I would book an appointment at the registry office sometime in the next few weeks and tell him you've booked it and would like to get married. Low key just for the legalities. Hotel do can be done later. And tell him that then and only then would you consider stopping work.

If he says no... I think you know where you stand.

I would like to see how he thinks you will be able to 'fit the job he will give around family'

Does he mean, you, running yourself down by trying to do some admin whilst the dcs are sleeping or in the evenings or during the weekend? Nope not during the weekends because he will be working so cant be looking after two dcs of course...
Has he ever spent a day with his two dcs on his won to see whether it is possible to do any work at all??

Say that he should put together a job offer for you, and you'll consider it, bare in mind it's not just the hourly rate, but also the number of hours, and the benefits (pension etc)

He'll add it to the list of things he's never going to get around to doing, and you can continue in your job.

Do not become financially dependent. You don't have family finances, so the fact that overall you will have a lower income is irrelevant. If he's already working days and weekends, when is he anticipating you do this side work for him?

What can be cribbed back with childcare vouchers (from both of your jobs if possible) etc.? Can he ask for flexible working as well as you so you could reduce childcare costs (eg. DP does drop offs and I do pickups so we only need an afterschool club, not a breakfast club).

If you can take the hit for a couple of years it will get better.

Will he be providing you with a pension and matching your contributions as most employers would? Plus sick pay, NI etc? If not you'd be losing out long term and financially it may be worth staying with your current employment, despite the short term childcare costs.

Also consider the long term implications of not being employed, aside from by him, you could end up with a gap on your cv and reduced career progression.

Personally, I'd be saying that you either get married and have a joint accout and THEN you'll consider it, or you'll stay as you are.

the question really is
Can you live comfortably with the two dcs at nursery and you working?

If the answer is yes, it is really no brainer.
Why would you stop work when you see all the negatives it brings?
Maybe he could stop work and increase his business whilst looking after the dcs instead? Thought not.

Please please please do NOT give up your job OP, especially as you're not married.

My ex-h did this to me, it was the biggest mistake I ever made. When he left, I found myself on benefits overnight as he withdrew all financial support and sacked me from our company completely illegally. I had a lovely job, well paid and I would have been in a much better position had I kept it. He was earning a decent amount and basically wanted an at-home skivvy. It took me two years to drag the twat through court and endless stress that I am still trying to recover from. I had protection because were were married, you do not.

Please consider other options first. You are in a very very vulnerable position.

DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR JOB.

He needs to stop brushing away your very sensible fears. In particular, marriage and the lack of wills.

You say the eldest is three? - then they will soon be entitled to the universal 15 hours. Plus after September- if eligible - you could get 30 hours free childcare for the over 3year old.

Interesting how he's willing to do what it takes to get what HE wants isn't it op?

Your instincts are correct.

Just be very calm, very firm and do not be swayed.

This is what you need to do before anythiing else:

1. Get married providing you and your dc with legal cover should anything happen.

1. Have a joint account and NOT where he just puts in what he thinks you'll need!

1. Keep a separate account where your child credit goes as this is for the dc and therefore for them only (and a small amount of savings should things go wrong).

1. Write legally binding wills.

1. Get your name on the deeds if you have a mortgage.

Then once all this is in place you still should not consider your dp as your boss! Nor giving up your job.

You will need a break otherwise you will feel trapped.

Do not give up your job. It would be an unreasonable risk given the situation you are in.

Crikey please don't give up your job.
I would have been right up shit creek without a paddle if I'd have done this.
You don't know what the future holds so protect yourself and your DC.

I agree, tell him that once you are married you will consider it but until then, no way.
You'll know where you stand then from his response!