DP wants me to give up my job

[msevs]

DP and I have been together for ten years, and have two children aged 3 and six months. I am currently on maternity leave but will be returning to work full time in August. The problem is we will have two children in childcare, and it will cost more than I earn. DP thinks I should just give up my job as we can't afford for me to work. He has a day job and his own business that he works for during evenings, holidays and some weekends and told me that he has administrative work for me in connection to the business so that I would still technically be employed if I gave up my job. He also told me he would pay me more per hour than my current job pays.

I know he is right that we can't afford for me to work but the thing is, we are unmarried and despite the fact that he asked me to marry him after the birth of our second child, there has been no progress since then. We are short of money and I told him I would be happy with a registry office wedding, however he thinks this would be an anti-climax and would rather have a hotel wedding. Despite this I know he hasn't started putting any money to one side to pay for a hotel wedding and he hasn't even mentioned anything about getting married for weeks now. When I mentioned to him that family members have been asking me when the wedding will be, he told me that he isn't good with pressure so I feel like I can't bring it up now without pressurising him.

At the same time, I feel like I am in an impossible position as although I don't want to give up work and be financially dependent on him, it feels like I have no other option?

I have also been worrying about other matters such as our home, we are tenants in common and my name is on the mortgage but neither of us have a will. Whenever I have tried to discuss it with DP, he will either tell me I'm being morbid or just brush it off and says he'll need to get round to it at some point. DP also has two teenage children from a previous relationship and the eldest will be an adult in two years' time. I understand that if he dies intestate, his adult child would be his next of kin and his house share would also go to his children. Have I got this right? The lack of security really concerns me.

Sorry for the long post! Any advice or views would be appreciated.

Do you own the house jointly?

Tell him you'll give up your job to skivvy for him and the kids just as soon as he signs the equity over to you.

Wow OP with your update I'd be even more reluctant to give up your job.

Presumably it also pays you when you are off sick or on holiday and puts some money into a pension for you.

The key thing is at the minute it may on paper cost more for you to work, but that is only for a short period of time until your DCs qualify for some free nursery time, and then once they are at school it's only wraparound that needs to be paid for ( oh and the school holidays).

Listen to your gut on this one. Unfortunately your bargaining chip about getting married was probably stronger before you had DCs, I doubt you're going to get him to do it now. It sounds like he mostly cares for himself OP and very little for you or the security of all of his DCs.

Don't work for him. Please do not work for him.

DH and I, are a very very strong couple, and I actually set up my own company as a consultant because working with him was irkesome to say the least. My DH is very supportive and when I had to give up my work because of my 7th mc and being so unwell he agreed to anything I wanted or needed to make me feel more secure. He married me for starters and he wants a big wedding, I can't stand bloody weddings personally but he agreed to do the formal bit to make me feel more secure.

Your end up working at night and he will be telling you what to do as he will be your boss. He doesn't sound very nice to be honest, saying what he is about his ex when asking you to do the same isn't great tbh.

PLEASE DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR JOB, your have nothing of your own and sadly I think your need it to fall back on.

Say that you'll start looking into leaving your job once you're married and finances are 100% joint.

If you feel anxious now it's only going to increase if you give up your job. Please listen to your gut. I'm not sure whether your DP is going to step up here and marry you.

I can't believe that he thinks you should shoulder all the costs of childcare...... As others have said there are red flags here.

What annoys me is that the mother of his eldest children was a SAHM and he has always made little digs about the fact that she didn't have a job, which I put down to bitterness about the split, but now he wants me to be in that same position? I also worry because he didn't marry her either and she was left with nothing

You have your answer there.

Remind him that he wouldn't like you being a SAHM, see his attitude towards his ex.
Remind him that having a child is expensive and you were bound to have less disposable income. It's normal, he doesn't have to work even more.
Remind him that you have no protection at all, that if something was happening to him, accident, illness, you wouldn't be able to support the family and THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE.
Remind him that your job is yours and is important to you, just as his job(S) are important to him. No reason for you to give that up and he gives nothing up at all.

STICK TO YOUR GUNS!

Oh an please, don't wait for him to open a joint account.
Do it yourself and agree on how much he is going to put in it.
Ensure that he is putting most of it, in proportion to his wage compare to his so that you can have some savings too.

I think he is thinking about an easier life for him, not what you need. Its painful financially now, but a future investment in your joint finances for you to keep working. Hold your ground and make sure you aim for equal roles as much as possible.

I don't recommend you book the registry office

My advice is LTB. Seriously. You have made some terribly naive decisions in even having dc with a man like this. Don't compound them further by putting yourself in the exact same position as the last woman he fucked over and discarded.

If you separated then childcare would not cost more than your wages because he would be expected to pay a proportion of it.

However you would be in a stronger position if you were married when you split. Sounds awful putting it that way, but that's the way he has been thinking I'll reckon from his refusal to wed up to now.

Don't give up your job without being married. You can have a registry wedding for now and have a big do later.

If anything happens, you're out of a job if you work for him.

No way would I even consider it, without being married.

Do. Not. Give. Up. Your. Job.

Do not be reliant on a man especially one with history like this. Make sure you have your own money.

And it is worth reiterating: CHILDCARE IS A JOINT EXPENSE.

Don't give up your job! That is your independence (and at time sanity-saver!). If he isn't happy then suggest he works 4 days and you work the other 3 to share the childcare so you don't have to pay for childcare.

This is the first time I've ever come on to post something akin to LTB.

The fact that you posted here, and the issues you have raised, show how little confidence you have in him and how worried you are. That's not a very good basis for a relationship. It seems as though, deep down, you don't have much faith in the future of this partnership, and those issues need to be aired with him. If he sees your point and makes the commitments, so much the better. If not, the ball is in your court.

Good luck.

"the mother of his eldest children was a SAHM and he has always made little digs about the fact that she didn't have a job, which I put down to bitterness about the split, but now he wants me to be in that same position? I also worry because he didn't marry her either and she was left with nothing."

AWOOOOGA DANGER WILL ROBINSON, DANGER! That shitty position she ended up in that worked out great for him? Thats where he wants things to be again.

the mother of his eldest children was a SAHM and he has always made little digs about the fact that she didn't have a job, which I put down to bitterness about the split, but now he wants me to be in that same position? I also worry because he didn't marry her either and she was left with nothing

Ah well, knowing this, you've walked in and had children with him with your eyes wide open.

Al the best for your future.

I'd give up work, it makes financial sense. On the following conditions:

1. He books a wedding date.
2. He makes you a director of the business with shareholdings, not his administrator (him being your boss) on a salary/wage.
3. Wills are drawn up asap.

I also worry because he didn't marry her either and she was left with nothing. I can't believe I've put myself in this position

^^^^This says it all.
If you don't give up your job you won't be in that position.

I would remind him exactly what he said about his Ex too.

I will never leave myself financially dependant on a man. I've seen it end badly far too often.

Don't give up your job.

Of course you shouldn't give up work. And I'd either be knocking the admin work on the head or making sure you got paid for doing that as well as going back to work. Don't work for free to help with a business you'd have no stake in if he broke up with you tomorrow.

WRT the legal position, you have it correct. If you're tenants in common, his share doesn't automatically pass to the other tenant. If he dies intestate, the next down the line are the kids. Does he understand how potentially fucked that makes you if he falls under a bus tomorrow? Would he consider creating a joint tenancy instead? If he won't do that or marry because he wants his assets for his elder children rather than you, arguably fair enough but in that case he has no business expecting you to give up work.

I'd give up work, it makes financial sense. On the following conditions:

1. He books a wedding date.
2. He makes you a director of the business with shareholdings, not his administrator (him being your boss) on a salary/wage.
3. Wills are drawn up asap.

Plus the creation of a joint tenancy.

Do not give up your job. The three year old will be at school in a year or two, you can receive receive help in the form of childcare vouchers, and the free nursery hours, and it is good for you to be an independent earner. Even if you are married it is better to be an independent earner in case he loses his job or his business fails. If you are not married only take his job if he treats you as an employee - contract, set hours, pension etc. so at least your employment rights are protected (after a few years anyway). Make sure you have full access to a joint account with money that you can spend freely (not freely, but you know what I mean - that the money is treated as joint money, even if one person earns all of it).

Agree with ElisavetaFartsonira 100%. If he isn't willing to do that BEFORE August you are going back to work FT and he needs to split the childcare bill with you.

Do not compromise.

After he has done those 3 things, check with work to see if you can do a compressed or PT schedule.

TBH I still wouldn't give up work entirely even if you were married and had a joint tenancy, not when he's shown such contempt of his ex's SAHM status. But if it were going to be done, that would be the minimum necessary to put in place.

Different answers depending on exact family finances:

• If at all possible, and especially in a professional job, you stand to lose more by giving up for a few years, than you do by working - thanks to the loss of opportunities, networks, experience. If you take a career break it can be really hard to get back in. I work PT in a professional job and thanks to ridiculously high childcare costs (nannies + an expensive nursery), I'm not sure how much I would have left after childcare, however, I see this time as taking a hit now to benefit my career longer term. In these situations you need, as others have said, to consider childcare as being taken from both your salaries, not just yours.

However, I completely understand that we are very lucky, and in other families this may not be possible if literally every penny gets spent on essentials, as there may be no spare capacity to 'sub' your salary. You need to be very sure this is the case though (I'd advise checking the finances yourself), as it's so easy for him to say 'it's too expensive'.

There's also the idea of protecting yourself and your kids. It is not nice to have no money you have earned, if you are used to it. In decent relationships the DH's money then becomes family money, but IME (like on mat leave), it felt like I had to justify big spends and watch the pennies, even though DH wasn't bothered. His money was family money, but after years of having my own, it didn't feel like it to me. Other friends have said the same thing. And then of course there are the horrible situations with financial abuse - but as you see, even in equitable relationships, it still doesn't feel nice.

By continuing to work you are also protecting your income and career longer term, in case you ever find yourself fending for the family yourself. I'm also a great believer in a career as sanity. I'd go crazy if I was at home with the DC. On the other hand some people are just great at that and love being home, in which case fine.

What really concerns me is your partner's reluctance to commit to either marriage or a will. This is very irresponsible and a bit of a red flag. Whilst I believe your children (and his) should be beneficiaries if he dies intestate, you yourself would be left with nothing. You should have at least one of marriage and a will, very preferably both, and that's without the complexities of a second family. He needs to sort at least the will out fast and I would be putting my foot down and marching him down to the solicitors.

Also are you named on his (work etc) life insurance as a beneficiary? You should be, but he sounds like the kind of guy who might not remember.

Haven't read all the replies but I can guarantee they're all saying the same - NO! Don't do this! I 'sleepwalked' into a similar situation, with the tiny saving grace that we did actually eventually get married. Now about to divorce, and I'm in a fucking hole. I wish I'd known about MN back in the day and had been given a good talking to. Please don't jack in your job, or 'work' for him.