DP wants me to give up my job

[msevs]

DP and I have been together for ten years, and have two children aged 3 and six months. I am currently on maternity leave but will be returning to work full time in August. The problem is we will have two children in childcare, and it will cost more than I earn. DP thinks I should just give up my job as we can't afford for me to work. He has a day job and his own business that he works for during evenings, holidays and some weekends and told me that he has administrative work for me in connection to the business so that I would still technically be employed if I gave up my job. He also told me he would pay me more per hour than my current job pays.

I know he is right that we can't afford for me to work but the thing is, we are unmarried and despite the fact that he asked me to marry him after the birth of our second child, there has been no progress since then. We are short of money and I told him I would be happy with a registry office wedding, however he thinks this would be an anti-climax and would rather have a hotel wedding. Despite this I know he hasn't started putting any money to one side to pay for a hotel wedding and he hasn't even mentioned anything about getting married for weeks now. When I mentioned to him that family members have been asking me when the wedding will be, he told me that he isn't good with pressure so I feel like I can't bring it up now without pressurising him.

At the same time, I feel like I am in an impossible position as although I don't want to give up work and be financially dependent on him, it feels like I have no other option?

I have also been worrying about other matters such as our home, we are tenants in common and my name is on the mortgage but neither of us have a will. Whenever I have tried to discuss it with DP, he will either tell me I'm being morbid or just brush it off and says he'll need to get round to it at some point. DP also has two teenage children from a previous relationship and the eldest will be an adult in two years' time. I understand that if he dies intestate, his adult child would be his next of kin and his house share would also go to his children. Have I got this right? The lack of security really concerns me.

Sorry for the long post! Any advice or views would be appreciated.

And how does one "look into" a joint account ? The same way he has been "looking into" getting married ?

Quite.

Please OP do not give up your job.

You see so many poeple on her posting that they are in a shitty situation cos the ygave up their financial autonomy.

Yes, the next [3] years will be tighter with child care to pay for. However the long term benefit (future earnings and pension) and your autonomy far outweigh the short term belt tightening.

His reluctance to marry you yet his willingness to fast forward what will help HIM rings alarm bells for me op.

There are quite a few red flags in what you have posted...have you spotted any op?

Looking at getting married.
Looking at employing you in his business.
Looking at joint finances.
Looking at making a will.

Lots of looking bit not much actual committing going on in this relationship.

You'd be an utter mug to make yourself financially reliant on this man.

In your current situation, I would agree with others and say that you should not give up your job.
Without being married, no wills, no joint account etc, you would be in deep trouble should anything happen.

But as contrast for you, I did give up my job when we had our first dc and worked for my dh. I had a good well paid job but wanted to be able to raise my dc without extra childcare.
However, we were married and already had wills and a joint account. Dh set up business and I helped with paperwork.
15 years on, I am still doing the paperwork and our business has grown enough that we employ others and are now both directors so have equal control and protection.

I would not recommend doing all that though with added security should anything happen...

My immediate reaction to your post OP, is that he is quite controlling. He's controlling when and if you get married and when and if you make wills. It's not up to him, it's up to the two of you to decide with an equal say.

In this situation I'd run a mile rather than give up my job. If you did, he'd control you even more and you'd have no income if everything went tits up.

I think in the first place some frank talking is required here. Don't allow him to make decisions for both of you.

Oh fuck no - don't do it. he'll have you right where he wants you.

I work with my DH, and he is technically my boss.

I have to say, we rub along okay together at work, but if I had the chance to live my life over, I would prefer not to have worked together. Sometimes it's hard to escape work, outside of work hours, and if I am grouchy with him for something outside of work, then that can affect our working life.

Lots of people do it, but it's not for everyone.

You need to look at childcare as being a joint expense, and being an investment in your career and future earnings, and maybe even in your sense of self. (I.e., Would you rather say "I'm a nurse", say, than "I'm a SAHP"? Many people will be perfectly happy to identify as a SAHP, and that's fine, but will you? I know I never really feel happy about saying what I do for a living - it doesn't seem like "me" when I say it, IYSWIM.)

I do agree with many other posters that your DP is all mouth and no trousers. I'd wait to see some actions before I started relying on his words, frankly.

NFW would I give up my job. You would be an utter MUG to do this. Just nod and keep going back to work.

I will say that I miss working (as a colleague) with my DP, and would do it again (but not with one of us as boss - we've always run our own departments, and I appreciate his competence, but I also value mine - we would be team, not one the other's skivvy)

And we're not married, but I own my own property separately to DP (so I actually am holding out on him financially technically), and our joint house we are the other type of tenant so it goes to the other upon one's death, and neither of us have other children, and we both have life assurance which benefits the other, and we have joint accounts for everything - so it's a very very different situation.

When I went back to work after DS1 my wages didn't cover the childcare - it was never even mentioned. When I went back after DS2 my wages were equal to DPs - because I kept working and so got the extra experience and so pay rise.

I don't understand his reasons for not getting married in a registry office?

Absolutely do not leave your job to work for him, this is nonsense a bit like not getting married and not sorting out a joint bank account. If he can't sort those out working for him would be a total nightmare and would put you in a vulnerable position.

I am going to be honest here. I work with my husband doing exactly what you say full time and we are married but at the moment have a rocky marriage. I gave up a corporate job to do so when son was 3 , as it was more flexible and worked well when he was young. As I have done this for 15 years I am now in a funny position of having the skills but not anywhere to run to work wise if I want to leave and am now in my 50's. I would advise the following if its possible. Either insist you will do this "if" you get married (and of course would be happy to do so) or you will go part time at a job--help him out from home too (he pays you) and money is pooled and child care comes from that. Please do not leave yourself very vulnerable.

Don't give up your job. It's your security blanket.
If you become a partner you could be liable for any loses. If you become his employee, he could sack you. And don't think it won't happen to you.

As for spending more on childcare than getting from your job, consider it as an investment.

When you want to return to work you might not be able to find the same type of job, and could miss out on promotions.

No. Just no, no, NO! So far it appears he's disregarded everything that is important to you in this relationship. He won't marry you, he won't support you returning to work by paying part of the childcare, he won't protect you legally by making a will. Just what does he do that is supportive and 'protective' of your future? And don't say 'he earns well and pays the bills' because he's doing that for himself, it just so happens to provide for you as well.

And yes, 'tenants in common' means that if one dies, their share goes to whomever they will it to or the next of kin, not to the other tenant. I don't really have a problem with him wanting this though, I don't think that's so unusual when there are children from another relationship, with joint tenancy those children would lose out on any inheritance as when the surviving joint tenant dies, the property goes to that person's heirs.

BUT both of you should have a will with a 'life estate' for both of you. This provides that the surviving 'tenant' has the right to live in the house until they die or choose to sell.

The childcare will only be more than your earnings for a very short period of your career though. Over a longer period you will be considerably better off.

Plus what everyone else said about relying on a man for your security.

Thank you for your views, it has been helpful reading your posts.

DP does work incredibly hard and I think he is just worried about how he can possibly work more than he already does for when both children are in nursery.

I am frustrated by everything though. I have been getting increasingly anxious about how little security I actually have and my job is the one thing that is mine, iyswim.

What annoys me is that the mother of his eldest children was a SAHM and he has always made little digs about the fact that she didn't have a job, which I put down to bitterness about the split, but now he wants me to be in that same position? I also worry because he didn't marry her either and she was left with nothing. I can't believe I've put myself in this position. I just want to see him put some action into providing me and the children with long term security and it's just not happening

It sounds as if he doesn't really want to marry you op (and by dragging his heels this is what he is saying by doing).

Has he been married before? He knows how financially tied in he will be if he marries you.

I think he prefers the status quo where you are kept on your toes and he makes all the decisions.

It sounds as if you have tried to talk to him numerous times before but he just doesn't want to listen to you or make you happy or consider you as an equal.

Big red flags op.

You may have to call his bluff.

At present you have a job and he would have to contribute child support.

If you give up your job, and work for him; if he finishes with you, you will have: no job, and maybe no home (depends on how it's owned/rented).

So he has no regrets about stringing her along then as he's just repeating history.

Again, has children with women then criticises them for looking after HIS children; nah, sorry, he's not worth the worry OP, protect yourself.

Blimey, so he's done it before.

Protect yourself OP, even if it causes a shitstorm.

OP!! I cannot believe you have just said he didn't marry the first mother to his dc!!!

You have fallen into exactly the same trap!!!!!

I would want to contact her asap and find out what support he gave her!

Good Lord.

It doesn't look good, does it?

I mean, why the hell would he marry you when he didn't marry her?

No offence.

But seriously - why on earth would he?

Tell him you're looking into it!

I can only add to what has been said. Only give up your job (if you want to) once you are married and wills, finances etc are all in place. That's the deal.

I also worry because he didn't marry her either and she was left with nothing. I can't believe I've put myself in this position. I just want to see him put some action into providing me and the children with long term security and it's just not happening

Oh bugger. Definitely time to book that registry office appointment OP.