Thanks wonderful Babes. You are the only people who get it. I wish you all lived in my house with me.
Lux, you are so wise and wonderful. Yes, I think I am grieving, or rather grieving with a 3 year delay. 4 and a half years ago my aunt, who was like a second mum to me, dropped dead on my bathroom floor. She was 58 at the time. Needless to say it was horrendous - my DS1 was 18 months old and I was pregnant with DS2. 15 months after that my beautiful DM lost her battle with cancer. She was 61. DS1 was nearly 3 and DS2 was nearly 1. I carried on because I had to - my boys needed me and I went onto autopilot. Now the grief has caught up with me and I'm drowning in it - it's making me angry and bitter and sad and then I drink.
Elf, I think our paths may have crossed a bit on the bus, but I was possibly lurking ashamedly at the time. I have followed your story and felt nothing but awe and amazement at what you've achieved. My bus pattern is: 1) come on bus and make big promises, spend a few days chatting with everyone, 2) break all promises and spend weeks on end too ashamed to say anything, 3) get back on bus with tail between my legs.
42, thanks for the support, it was interesting that you mentioned anti-depressants as I was wondering if they might help me. I was prescribed them once before but never actually took them as I was afraid of getting too dependent. Are yours helping you?
Guggs, thanks so much for words of wisdom. I went to AA once a week for a while in 2015 and it helped me stay booze-free for over 2 months. Then we moved house and my nearest meeting became a big trek away, plus the whole Steps thing felt like such a big commitment, I wasn't ready to do it.
Amelia, welcome and thanks so much for the kind words.
Faire, you wonderful wonderful Babe, thanks for always knowing exactly what to say.
Ruby, I hear you on the blackouts, it's happening to me more and more regularly now - it used to only happen when I drank red wine but now it doesn't matter what I drink. I saw my in-laws tonight and I was so ashamed, still not really pieced together my behaviour from Saturday.
Made, thanks for posting and for your support.
I am in a hole and I know it. I am so tired of feeling sad and scared and regretful all the time. Tonight I haven't had a drink and I might be able to last until the weekend but then if I have one, I won't be able to stop. I am going to self-destruct if I carry on like this. I can't remember the last time I laughed. The last time I truly felt carefree was July 21st 2012, before all the aforementioned shit happened in my life. I want the old Margie back but she seems to have got lost forever.