Money - is dh being selfish?

[Realitea]

I admit I am a spend spend spend kind of person. I have been in debt in the past and dh helped me out when I met him. I'm really bad with money! To make sure we don't get into that problem again he's taken full control of spending right down to the supermarket shop.
It's nice in a way that I don't have to worry about any bills anymore and I have a little job that takes care of clothes or toys or any extras.
However now dh wants me to help out financially too and basically either give it to him as a contribution or spend it on food. I think that's fair seeing as we're a couple and it would be selfish of me to keep it all.
But this is where I have the problem. Dh has saved quite a bit now and is talking about going abroad to somewhere I don't want to go so he's going with a friend. He's also talking about going on a fishing trip for the weekend.
I'm trying to find a holiday for us all (2 dcs) this summer and he's saying he won't spend more than £1000. I can't find anything decent and it hurts knowing he has the money but he's not touching that because he wants to go away and do his own thing.
He also really needs a new car but is counting on my inheritance that's coming soon to pay or help with that.
I wonder if he's being selfish with money and he says as he earned it he can spend it how he likes and at least everything else is taken care of.
I find it hurtful that I've always had a dream to visit a certain place but that's not taken into account. And I still don't drive but if we had the money I would learn.
Is this selfish of him or am I just being selfish?

Im dying to see his response.

you know you would be entitled to call DWP and tell them that he is claiming tax credits and child tax credits but he wont give you any money. There is no reason why he should be doing the supermarket shop, that is SO controlling. Its to ensure you dont have any access to money - You should have a card for that account so that you can do the shopping, or for emergencies - what would happen if he had an accident, for example, or you need something when he decides to go off and travel the world

you never will learn to be good with money as well, unless you are given the chance to learn about bills and budgeting - is he trying to keep you infantised and dependant

I would ask to see all the paperwork for the bank accounts tonight - even if he 'has control' there is absolutely NO reason why the finances should not be open and transparant. The tax credits are YOUR money too - he wouldnt be able to claim them if he didnt have a partner and a child, and you not working pushes the tax credits up. If you started working the family finances may not change, but you would have wages and he would not have any tax credits. Thats YOUR money, YOUR CHILDS money

The thing is that as you are married, "his" money is legally joint money and you would be entitled to a share of it if you divorced. His savings and pension would be counted as "marital assets".

So if you ended the relationship you would probably end up better off financially. You would get child maintenance from him, you would get benefits and tax credits paid into your own account, and you would be entitled to a share of the marital assets.

Hi ,op, have you had any joy talking to him

I didn't think of that. So I would have enough to make a go of things without him, I wouldn't be completely desolate. I worry that if I had to go on benefits I wouldn't be able to keep my job as it's under 16 hours and I'd end up with hardly anything. I'm trying hard to get it up to about 20 hours but it's taking so long. I believe I'll get there though.
His response has been that I can keep my wages but he is saving for buying a house and for the future. He makes it sound as though he's being very responsible but actually he's being so controlling and will never see it as family money.

Here's an excerpt
"If I hand over to you 50% of what I have left after bills, none of that will happen and we can't rely on your income to keep us going so I'm trying to make my income count for as much as it can. If you think that that is selfish and controlling so be it. "

He's so stuck on saving and trying to be financially better off (and going travelling?!) that he's forgotten that I'm here too and without me he wouldn't have any money. Surely I deserve some recognition

How old are your DCs? Depending on the age of the youngest, you might be entitled to Income Support, or if not then JSA. On both of those, you are allowed to work for less than 16 hours a week and still claim (provided your earnings are under the threshold which it sounds like they would be).

If you managed to find work for 16 hours or more per week, you wouldn't get Income Support or JSA, but you would be able to claim Working Tax Credits including money towards childcare.

Regardless of employment status and working hours, you would still get Child Benefit, Child Tax Credits and Housing Benefit.

Plus child maintenance from Mr Financially Controlling, which isn't counted as income in benefits calculations.

Cross posts. Have you actually asked him to give you 50% of his income after the bills are paid? That's not what any of us suggested. We were suggesting transparency, joint decision-making and joint access to the money. That's not exactly the same as him giving you 50% of the "disposable" income.

I suggested what a pp suggested of all money being pooled together and it all being seen as family money rather than his. After taking into account normal spending for food etc we then put a bit by for saving and then we split the remainder 50/50 for independent spending. So that way if he wants to go away on his own travelling he can save that money and I can do the same.

He would never give me access to the bank account. He just wouldn't trust me.

Seems like the easiest solution is for both of you to have a card and/or access to the accounts with all the money in. Then you can both spend responsibly as needed and save whats left over every month.

He seems to be suggesting that if you had 50% of the money you would immediately spend all of it every month, does he think youre incapable of not spending all the money you have every month?

I think you need to get the Child Tax Credits paid into your own account. And you need to talk to Women's Aid and/or Citizens Advice. ASAP.

You are his wife and the mother of his children and he is not allowing you access to money to buy things that you need for yourself, your children and your household. It's financial abuse and it's completely unacceptable.

Even if he did agree to giving you 50% of the "disposable" income, he would still insist on having control over the savings, and he would dictate what could be spent on "essentials bills" - he would probably limit what you spend on the weekly shop, for example, so if you wanted to buy anything that wasn't "permitted" by him (a bath bomb for example) it would have to come out of your own personal allowance. The same with clothes and other expenses for the children - if he didn't think it was "essential" you'd have to buy it with your personal allowance. So you would end up spending your money on the children (and he would no doubt accuse you of frittering it away) while he would spend his money on himself - holiday with mates, car, etc.

That would be the reality of trying to "share" with a selfish, controlling and financially abusive man.

Really sad to be living with an abusive man who will not even let you have access to "his" bank account (which benefits are paid into) or do the supermarket shop.

Please do seek advice in RL.

There's ways of making sure all the bills are covered without relinquishing all control! Yes he's being selfish but you also need to take some responsibility. You need to have a conversation about the money you each have to spend on yourselves and that should be equal no matter what each of you earn. If he chooses to save up and get himself a holiday and you choose to blow it all then tough shit but the current situation is very unfair!

If you choose to go it alone, you would be able to continue working as you are self employed. You have time to build up and make it viable.

I didn't know that bloodyteenagers. That's good to know.
Right now we're dodging each other, it's very awkward. I hate confrontation and I know in a conversation rather than email he will twist what I say and blame me. I then get upset or anxious and don't say what I need to say.
I'm trying to think of any kind of compromise that would be acceptable. If he let me have access to the account and trusted me I'd be happy but there is still the problem of him spending on himself and still seeing it as his account.
I just don't think there is a solution apart from separating. I don't think he's going to change.

So he always takes your words, twists them and turns it all around on you?

Can you give examples of what is said?

"I know in a conversation rather than email he will twist what I say and blame me"

So he is emotionally abusive as well as controlling the finances. I thought so - they usually go hand in hand.

He has a lot of ammunition stored up for whenever I have a problem with anything. It's all 'you did this' and 'you did that' and will remember incidents that can make me look bad so that I back down and look like the bad one.

Yep, emotional abuse. I shared this link in my very first post on this thread. Are you absolutely sure he doesn't do anything on that list?! You might also find it interesting to read The Abuser Profiles.

An example is when I was suffering from panic attacks and hid myself away in his parents house while we were there. He accused me of being extremely rude and said how mortified he was at my behaviour.
Another is when I spent 200 more than I should have at Christmas and he told his sister I'd stolen it from him. I hadn't, I was just trying to budget on very little. It was family money. I paid it back by working 12 hour shifts.

AnotherEmma, 6 of those signs I recognise