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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Money - is dh being selfish?

299 replies

Realitea · 05/03/2017 09:00

I admit I am a spend spend spend kind of person. I have been in debt in the past and dh helped me out when I met him. I'm really bad with money! To make sure we don't get into that problem again he's taken full control of spending right down to the supermarket shop.
It's nice in a way that I don't have to worry about any bills anymore and I have a little job that takes care of clothes or toys or any extras.
However now dh wants me to help out financially too and basically either give it to him as a contribution or spend it on food. I think that's fair seeing as we're a couple and it would be selfish of me to keep it all.
But this is where I have the problem. Dh has saved quite a bit now and is talking about going abroad to somewhere I don't want to go so he's going with a friend. He's also talking about going on a fishing trip for the weekend.
I'm trying to find a holiday for us all (2 dcs) this summer and he's saying he won't spend more than £1000. I can't find anything decent and it hurts knowing he has the money but he's not touching that because he wants to go away and do his own thing.
He also really needs a new car but is counting on my inheritance that's coming soon to pay or help with that.
I wonder if he's being selfish with money and he says as he earned it he can spend it how he likes and at least everything else is taken care of.
I find it hurtful that I've always had a dream to visit a certain place but that's not taken into account. And I still don't drive but if we had the money I would learn.
Is this selfish of him or am I just being selfish?

OP posts:
NettleTea · 06/03/2017 13:23

yes, he might find it actually costs him alot more when he has to pay child maintenance and loses the tax credits

plus he would have to do all his domestics himself

You need to be able to see the bank accounts irrespective. He has you over a barrel because of £500 worth of debts. Thats peanuts. I could do that in a bad month. It doesnt make you bad with money, and I bet you wouldnt do it again. But him maintaining that you cant be trusted, and you believing him because of such a tiny amount of debt (whilst responsible for someone else, which restricts your ability to work) is wrong. Its easy for him to be blase and sweep in all gallant, but he wasnt having to look after a child, was he.

Vegansnake · 06/03/2017 13:26

I've got to page 4... what's niggling me is you saying oh I'm no good at money..I ran up debts...these debts turn out to be bills ,from when you were a single parent....my idea of debts are catalogue companies,or shit you don't need.not bills you couldn't pay...so he moves in and you have to greatful he paid them off..so greatful he takes over the money..fuck that.who gets the tax credits and child benefit.please tell me you do...

Vegansnake · 06/03/2017 13:44

What's he like when it comes to spending money on the kids? Is it equal...or is he not putting his hand in his pocket for the child that's not his?

Vegansnake · 06/03/2017 13:49

I shouldn't put this,but I will..a friend of mine was a single mum 3 youngsters.new man moves in.convinces her she's lucky to have him and that she's crap with money...a yr down the line he's got control of tax credits and cb.she has to ask for a fiver to come for a coffee...but it's ok.because he loves her and he's doing what's best for the family ...ha yeah right.hes a nasty controlling bully who I hope she leaves eventually don't let this become you op x

Original poster
Realitea · 06/03/2017 13:50

He gets the tax credits and I get the child benefit. I got pissd off with him a while ago about this and transferred the CB to my account and he doesn't even notice that it's missing from his account every month. I use this to buy clothes for the children and for whatever else they need. He doesn't put his hand in his pocket for them. The eldest dc is in work now. Recently dd wanted a bath bomb which is about £4. Dh said 'I'm happy to pay for the bills and food but I draw the line at bath bombs'.
I thought what a tight mean bastard.
He'd have a massive shock if we separated. He'd have no tax credits, no help, paying maintenance.. he'd soon get through his savings then.

OP posts:
Original poster
Realitea · 06/03/2017 13:52

Vegansnake that is me - if I have no wages I have to ask for a fiver if I want to meet a friend for coffee. It's horrible. But as I wasn't having to worry about bills or food etc I thought it was ok really. Im starting to realise it isn't right.

OP posts:
Vegansnake · 06/03/2017 13:54

I felt really sad reading thou all yr posts,you don't get the full picture if you don't read the full thread ,which I have...I really hope you sort this out op,but I feel he won't share his money and although I'm rooting for you ,I don't think he will budge.ive got to go out now,but I will pop back on later to see if you had any joy talking to him x

Vegansnake · 06/03/2017 13:55

No it's not ok...totally not ever ok.wish I didn't have to go out so we could chat...promise I will chat later.chin up xx

Loopytiles · 06/03/2017 13:58

He knows fine well what he is doing.

Sounds like you need to LTB.

Get your ducks in a row: get benefits, housing info etc.

Loopytiles · 06/03/2017 13:59

Womens Aid might also help, since you are being financially abused.

BantyCustards · 06/03/2017 14:15

OP

Turn ToUs has a calculator for working out benefits.

Have the tax credits put into your account so you can start trying to save some money.

Call Women's Aid.

And don't be fooled by any sudden change of heart if he decides to give you access to the family money - he'll still see it as his because this is who he is. You are nothing more than a convenient object to him.

Original poster
Realitea · 06/03/2017 14:22

Thank you everyone. His latest reply is 'I've supported this family from the start so don't ever say I put myself first'
Hmm

OP posts:
BantyCustards · 06/03/2017 14:28

And you are supporting this family by taking care of the children (a full time job in itself), the home, probably all of the household admin type stuff (e copy the finances), running all the errands I would guess and all of the housework.

What's his point? Seriously, ask him that. And I disagree with a PP on not doing this over email - absolutely DO do this over email because if you do it in person you have no record of exactly what has been said and he will gaslight you into thinking this is you being. Onpletrly unreasonable.

bloodyteenagers · 06/03/2017 14:30

Well played op doing the email. He cannot further down the line gaslight you and say he didn't say this.
If you do decide to leave which tbh I would be thinking of this because of the financial abuse and the fact he does nothing around the house, you have something as evidence about how unreasonable he is.

You need to think very hard about what you want. Do you want to live like this for the rest of your life, or do you want to be with someone who treats you as an equal. That's what a partnership should be like, equals.
He comes across as having little or no respect for you. You deserve more than this.

sofato5miles · 06/03/2017 14:33

I work on projects, so sporadically and even the DH earns 10x what i can earn. All our money is utterly joint. He lets me know if we are running low, or flush and we budget accordingly, together. This is same for my peers so yell him to do one.

He also paid my rent for a month just weeks after i met him. Blush

bloodyteenagers · 06/03/2017 14:33

I would be tempted to reply back - supporting a family means that the partner also has equal access to family money. Not having to come cap on hand every time the none working one wants money.

But I would be taking the opportunity for him to dig that hole deeper for himself for when I ltb.

Carelesswonder · 06/03/2017 14:36

I would call his bluff and say that you are going to look for full time work. He will need to be available to do 50% of school pick ups, housework, paying childcare, taking kids to school clubs, making dinners etc..I bet he wouldn't be so happy about that.

Original poster
Realitea · 06/03/2017 14:47

Ooh carelesswonder I like that. I might actually.
I think it's been brilliant doing it by email. I have all the evidence I need that he is indeed being horrendous.

He has now said that the savings are to get on the property ladder but as I'm not interested in that he hasn't involved me.

I've had the accusation of being crap at money again too. I pointed out my credit score is very good actually and my business is growing slowly so I'm not that bad.

He said he had a choice whether to give me money or invest it and he chose to invest it.

Oh he really makes me angry.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 06/03/2017 14:51

If you can't take responsiblity for your spending then somebody has to and in this case it's your DH. You have a little job which provides a few bits and pieces. Why not get a better paying job and contribute properly to family finances if you aren't happy with the current set up. People can't live on fresh air or pin money.

BantyCustards · 06/03/2017 14:55

BMW - I highly suspect the OP has been gaslighted into thinking she's crap with money.

I can't be arsed to even comment on the 'contributing properly' comment.

mumonashoestring · 06/03/2017 15:00

Why not get a better paying job and contribute properly to family finances

I expect Vivienne that a dear little fairy comes and does all your housework, laundry and food shopping and you get all your childcare provided for free, yes? Otherwise you'd have to be a bit dense not to recognise that all these things are a proper contribution to healthy family finances.

bloodyteenagers · 06/03/2017 15:02

Viv have you bothered to read the thread to see why he thinks she is crap with money?
Or how he wants to spend her inheritance? Or how she has no say at all in any financial matters?

Real, he's making me angry. It shouldn't be a choice of one or the other. It should be both.

Kr1stina · 06/03/2017 16:03

I have a question which may seem random - do you you live in England / Wales or Scotland ? Because I'm the first two, inheritance is a marital asset but in Scotland it's not.

RebelRogue · 06/03/2017 16:05

"My wages" "my earnings" "my accounts" says it all really.

Depending on how you wish to continue,can you ask him first for full financial transparency? You need to know what money is there and where it goes,and you should be able to as an adult and an equal partner.

OH has his own account where his wage goes in and bills/spending money come out of. I have full access to it so i can keep an eye on things,but also if i ever need money,i never have to ask. I just look if there's enough and if there is , i transfer myself what i need.
Now that i also work since we coped okish on just one wage,most of my wages go in savings and i keep a little bit of it for extras. They are family savings really,as I'm saving for a holiday for all of us,and if we ever need emergency money we know it's there.

NettleTea · 06/03/2017 16:05

But tax credits are for supporting THE FAMILY, what is he exactly investing IN?? a pension pot for himself? A new car and holiday for himself?

As a minimum the child tax credits should be coming to you.
If your eldest child is now working, do they still live at home? If so are they contributing at all? You better make damn sure that if they are its coming to you.

Who's home is it, who is on the tenancy. Is it private rent or housing association?

You are not crap with money, how sare he say that. You had a small amount of debt.

Call his bluff on the work thing and list all the stuff he is going to need to do. he would need to step up to all the things you are currently doing - take an equal role in parenting - that means school runs, meal planning and packing school lunches, paying for childcare, doing homework and after school clubs pick ups, bathtimes and friends parties, as well as remembering to buy presents. Plus splitting the inevitable time off needed for kids medical/dental appointments and sick days, and using his annual leave to help cover school holidays, as would you.

Then with the house, he should be doing an equal amount of laundry, cleaning, cooking, ironing, shopping, gardening, DIY, meal planning, organising holidays, organising the childcare/clothes shopping, making sure all relatives birthdays are remembered and presents bought.