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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Money - is dh being selfish?

299 replies

Realitea · 05/03/2017 09:00

I admit I am a spend spend spend kind of person. I have been in debt in the past and dh helped me out when I met him. I'm really bad with money! To make sure we don't get into that problem again he's taken full control of spending right down to the supermarket shop.
It's nice in a way that I don't have to worry about any bills anymore and I have a little job that takes care of clothes or toys or any extras.
However now dh wants me to help out financially too and basically either give it to him as a contribution or spend it on food. I think that's fair seeing as we're a couple and it would be selfish of me to keep it all.
But this is where I have the problem. Dh has saved quite a bit now and is talking about going abroad to somewhere I don't want to go so he's going with a friend. He's also talking about going on a fishing trip for the weekend.
I'm trying to find a holiday for us all (2 dcs) this summer and he's saying he won't spend more than £1000. I can't find anything decent and it hurts knowing he has the money but he's not touching that because he wants to go away and do his own thing.
He also really needs a new car but is counting on my inheritance that's coming soon to pay or help with that.
I wonder if he's being selfish with money and he says as he earned it he can spend it how he likes and at least everything else is taken care of.
I find it hurtful that I've always had a dream to visit a certain place but that's not taken into account. And I still don't drive but if we had the money I would learn.
Is this selfish of him or am I just being selfish?

OP posts:
Original poster
Realitea · 06/03/2017 22:24

Yes i do feel quite empowered now. I don't think he liked how I was standing up for myself but I did and I will stay that way. If he doesn't like the new powerful me he can bugger off!

OP posts:
tribpot · 07/03/2017 06:54

He's self-employed and claiming tax credits? Is he deliberately keeping his income low in order to qualify for them? Whilst probably not illegal, this is certainly unethical.

Unfortunately he can manipulate this situation quite easily by keeping all of his money inside the business and only taking out a bare minimum each month. Which means he can still save and you can't.

He is probably paying himself in a combination of a basic salary and then dividends. So he should have a dividend statement for each month or each quarter, depending on how often he declares a dividend. Whilst you're drawing up the budget together, I'd ask to see the last few dividend statements so you can work out what's the right amount of income to assume he will bring in every month.

Original poster
Realitea · 07/03/2017 07:08

Ok. In future I will be dealing with his invoicing myself so I can make sure of what goes in, aswell
I'm wondering if he's regretting what he's agreed to as he didn't sleep at all last night and ended up on the sofa. We shall see

OP posts:
tribpot · 07/03/2017 07:26

You're dealing with his invoicing in return for a payment of some kind, I assume? Rather than yet more unpaid work that he can choose not to value.

HelenDenver · 07/03/2017 07:39

Is he a limited company or a sole trader, OP? There are tax efficient ways to structure the former.

NettleTea · 07/03/2017 08:10

if he is a limited company then all his accounts should be available online - you should be able to download them and see if he is hiding money inside the business rather than bringing it to the table, because that sounds like what he may be doing. If he is a sole trader then I believe that any 'business' savings are pretty indistinguishable from personal savings, so I would be asking to see exactly how much he has in all accounts, and go through the accounts alone, look for payments into account numbers that you dont have paperwork for.

Original poster
Realitea · 07/03/2017 08:27

I will do. That's true it could be seen as doing unpaid work doing the invoicing but if it helps the family's finances and if I have time I don't mind. He did point out last night I should be more involved and help him more which really pissed me off. I said I don't have time. But at least if I did the invoicing I'd have more of an idea of what's coming in

OP posts:
BantyCustards · 07/03/2017 08:28

Hang on a minute: one minute the money he's putting away is investment and now it's for the business....

Semaphorically · 07/03/2017 09:00

You should ask him for his paperwork from HMRC. That will clarify if he's set up as a sole trader or a limited company. Make sure you understand which it is before taking over the bookkeeping becuse it changes what you have to do with the money and what needs to be reported to HMRC.

If it's a limited company then there are rules about how the company money is used - it's not "his" money until he pays it to himself e.g. as a salary or dividends, so it should definitely be kept in a separate account in the company name. If he's a sole trader it's a bit different.

Also if he's set up as a limited company it makes sense for tax efficiency (and fairness!) for you to be an employee of the company (to do the bookkeeping) with a salary - maybe think about getting some advice on tax efficient set up from an accountant?

Original poster
Realitea · 07/03/2017 11:22

Thank you so much for that advice. What a brilliant idea!
Also yes I know he did say it was an investment BantyCustards and now it's for the business. It turns out he has three ISA's and one is for the business.

OP posts:
NettleTea · 07/03/2017 12:19

can a business even have an ISA (financial ignoramous here) I thought it was to do with personal tax

sofato5miles · 07/03/2017 12:42

Awesome advice on here from the financially savvy. Bet he loathes mumsnet.

Kr1stina · 07/03/2017 13:01

An iSA is an individual saving account, it's not for business.

You have to make a declaration when you open it that's it's your own money.

He's hiding money from you OP and possibly from HMRC

Remember to ask him for his tax returns for the last few years . I'm guessing he's a sole trader and not a limited company. Either way he will have tax returns .

NameChange30 · 07/03/2017 13:04

I don't suppose he thinks the OP has a right to know about his bank accounts, let alone look at the statements, given that it's "his" money Angry

Kr1stina · 07/03/2017 13:14

Change the tax credits to your name. When the renewal form comes in may, he will have to tell you his income for the last year so you can check that you were paid correctly. He will also have to tell you if he's going to earn more next year.

Original poster
Realitea · 07/03/2017 14:55

I'm loving all of this information I would never have known otherwise.
I can't wait to tell him that isa's are not for business.

OP posts:
NettleTea · 07/03/2017 16:33

He's obviously 'not that great with money' if he doesnt even know that. And running a business too!!

NameChange30 · 07/03/2017 16:47

Of course he knows, he's just lying to the OP.

tribpot · 07/03/2017 16:59

The point about not doing unpaid work is that he disparages the value of the unpaid work you're already doing, looking after the house and the children. Doing even more, in support of his business, is not a privilege he has yet earnt.

Kr1stina · 07/03/2017 17:02

Just so you know OP, all the money that it is in " the business " is also partly yours because it's a martial asset. Unless it's owed to creditors ( like staff wages or tax or suppliers ). Assuming

  1. that he has built it up while married to you, because your domestic labour has contributed to that profit. It's like a pension - you only have a claim on the part he built while you were married .
  1. That he owns all of the business - either as a sole trader or limited company . I'm guessing this first as it's obviously quite small if you get tax credits and child benefit .

It's normal to keep some money in the business for cash flow but that's not the case if he's put in it an ISA.

Does his business trade in cash a lot e.g. Self employed tradesperson as opposed to IT consultant ?

Original poster
Realitea · 07/03/2017 18:39

Yes it does

OP posts:
Original poster
Realitea · 07/03/2017 18:43

when it came to setting it up I actually did it as he had no idea how and neither did I really but anyway.. I set it up as ltd. I'm now thinking that wasn't the right thing to do. I don't really know what the difference is! Oh gawd. So as a ltd company he should be putting by a certain amount by law?

OP posts:
NettleTea · 07/03/2017 20:32

limited companies certainly need certain legal requirements, like an accountant to prepare the books each year and submit them to companies house. Think there should be directors and a secretary. And are there shareholders if its aLTD??

anxiousandpregnant · 07/03/2017 20:36

Whatever you do, don't let him have a penny of the inheritance your getting. I'd get that in a savings account for yourself and your girls. I'd also get the tax credits put into your bank account.
Just a thought, he says he's saving to get on the property ladder, does he plan on letting your name be on the mortgage etc?

anxiousandpregnant · 07/03/2017 20:37

Otherwise that's something else he will hold over you that it's "his house" but will still expect you to pay towards "his" mortgage

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