New man I am seeing is a virgin aged 26...

[NameChangeAnon123]

I recently came out of a long relationship and one of the key reasons we split up was lack of sex, bad sex when we did have it and my ex-partners selfishness in bed. It was a very one-sided relationship and he was addicted to porn.

I have started seeing a new guy. We have been on a few dates now, he seems to be a really lovely and genuine guy. He has a good career, family and is generally a very well rounded person. Last night we went out, had a great time and I initiated the conversation about relationship history. He told me that he has never had a relationship, or had sex because he has been so focused on studying for his career (medicine). He also said he has never met the right person to want to be in a relationship or have sex with.

I don't know if I am being ridiculous because of my experience with my ex, but this did ring alarm bells. I find it very strange that he wouldn't have had a relationship at 26, or slept with anyone. As bad as this sounds, I am concerned that if I do enter into a sexual relationship with him I will have to take on the role of a teacher which I don't want to do.

Am I being silly, or is this a little odd considering his age?

Christ on a bike. Just ask him OP! All anyone on here can do is speculate. Maybe he has a low sex drive. Maybe he has a rabid sex drive that he's too shy to put into use. Maybe he's got a porn addiction that makes real women completely unappetising to him. Maybe he was hurt by a childhood sweetheart and has never trusted anyone enough since to be intimate with them. Maybe he's secretly gay. Maybe he was brought up religious and didn't believe in sex before marriage. Maybe he's really normal, just being careful with his finances, and a big romantic who believes in true love. Nobody on here knows, and the only way you'll ever know is to actually get to know him, and get to the part of the relationship where you start opening up to one another. But honestly, I wouldn't wish you on him! Why don't you find someone on POF to shack up with, and leave him for someone who wants a sensible romantic with a good career?

Here Here "Femanie"

Had he not told me about the virgin thing I would have no qualms about seeing him again

In that case I think yes, carry on seeing him and see what happens. There are no guarantees with anyone. So far we've had:

He might have deep-seated psychological hangups
He might have Aspergers
He might dump you and try to find out what other women are like
He might have a really low sex drive
He might get really intense and turn into a stalker.

Thing is, virgin or no all those things might happen and I doubt it's a high risk factor for any of them.

I was older when I had sex for the first time. I won't say how old, as the judgey brigade round here would hoick their pants so high they'd lose their own virginities all over again. The relationship lasted about a year. These days I never tell anyone how old I was at the time because it makes no difference to my relationship with them, seeing as I don't actually have deep-seated psychological problems.

Neither do I have Aspergers. We split up for reasons other than my lack of experience at the beginning of the relationship. When I'm with someone I like my sex drive is high and I've never stalked anyone.

Of course, all the things suggested might be true. or they might not. IMO his virginity isn't a red flag. It's just something to bear in mind.

It's nice to see that there are a few other people on this thread whose first reactions to this were incredulity that being a virgin at 26 would be an issue.

I was 34, and I'll say it because I don't think I should be ashamed or embarrassed about it, though I have to say for the longest time I felt like an utter freak. I'd dated a few people but was very shy with men when I was younger and then just never met anybody I clicked with enough to want to as I got older. Like Gabilan posted, it gets increasingly difficult and awkward as you age and are still a virgin - at least one of the men I went out with I know for a fact was scared off by the fact that I was; he was hands EVERYWHERE until I confessed to my lack of experience, at which point he ran for the hills! Friends used to tell me not to tell men I went out with but I'd always been brought up to consider sex as something intimate and special to be shared with somebody you truly cared about. I'm sure plenty of people would see that as romantic claptrap but I never got to that level of comfort with anybody until I was 34.

He was 9 years younger than me. Turned out I was his first too. He eventually told me when I'd obsessed over texts that I felt like a freak for still being a virgin at my age. He called me pretty much then and there and told me in no uncertain terms I should stop worrying and that he was in exactly the same boat I was. The weight released from my shoulders at that point was ridiculous ... and I have to say, the memory of our first time together was everything I'd ever hoped for. A holiday, a beautiful private room by a river and an open fire. I don't regret waiting. I just regret feeling so alienated from what society considered to be normal or right.

Meanwhile DH (yes I married him) has never had a low sex drive! He might have waited a while but he's more than made up for it since ...

The living at home thing I completely understand, particularly when you consider how much it costs to get on the housing ladder these days. It makes so much financial sense to stay at home as you save; my quite a bit younger than me brother is in the same situation at the moment. I'm still renting myself and saving for a house deposit on top of that is not easy.

I'd say go for it. A 26 year old financially conscious med student? Worth 'teaching' I think!

Being a "red-blooded male" who must therefore be desperate for sex with almost anyone has been mentioned a couple of times on here. Personally I'm glad that there is at least one young man out there who's willing to go against this toxic expectation of what masculinity is. This article on poisonous masculinity is interesting.

Re being the only woman he has ever known in his life...
How many people get married with their first love, their childhood sweetheart?
There are threads on MN on a regular ish occasion talking about how many partners you've had etc... plenty of people STILL marry their first love.
It doesn't mean that said man then start to wander around wondering how it is with others.

Argh some of the judgy, narrow-minded replies on here! Yes maybe the majority of people have been in relationships and lived alone by 26 ... However just because someone deviates from this does not mean there is anything wrong with them and to talk of "red-blooded males" "sowing a few wild oats", as if that is what normal people SHOULD be doing is silly. Maybe the OP needs to explore further the reasons behind her BF's choices and get to know him a bit better before pursuing any further but people are just making assumptions and it's crazy.

My now DH had never had full sex when we met. He was 22. Had done other stuff with a couple of girls at uni but, as seems to be a common thread here, studied hard and seriously for a hard and serious career as well as being quite shy. It was fine- better than fine- never had any sexual problems in our relationship and he's a totally normal person.