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Original poster

New man I am seeing is a virgin aged 26...

133 replies

NameChangeAnon123 · 04/03/2017 18:23

I recently came out of a long relationship and one of the key reasons we split up was lack of sex, bad sex when we did have it and my ex-partners selfishness in bed. It was a very one-sided relationship and he was addicted to porn.

I have started seeing a new guy. We have been on a few dates now, he seems to be a really lovely and genuine guy. He has a good career, family and is generally a very well rounded person. Last night we went out, had a great time and I initiated the conversation about relationship history. He told me that he has never had a relationship, or had sex because he has been so focused on studying for his career (medicine). He also said he has never met the right person to want to be in a relationship or have sex with.

I don't know if I am being ridiculous because of my experience with my ex, but this did ring alarm bells. I find it very strange that he wouldn't have had a relationship at 26, or slept with anyone. As bad as this sounds, I am concerned that if I do enter into a sexual relationship with him I will have to take on the role of a teacher which I don't want to do.

Am I being silly, or is this a little odd considering his age?

OP posts:
Lf803 · 04/03/2017 19:52

If you like him give it a go!
What would you prefer he lived in a flat with his mates.. no savings... had more than a few sexual partners! Some people are genuinely waiting for the right one and he's been saving whilst studying at least he's not been living at home with his parents... no job... no money.
There are some genuine good ones... you may just have found one! Go for it!

Fakenewsday · 04/03/2017 19:56

it wouldn't bother me if I fancied him and we had chemistry, for want of a better expression - see what happens. Has he ever lived independently? That would bother me if mummy always picks up after him as that's hard to retrain if he doesn't see mess but you're a way off worrying about that yet.

picklemepopcorn · 04/03/2017 20:03

Sex drive is a chemical thing between two people, not simply one sided. A couple that work well together are likely to have high sex drives, in comparison to a couple that don't gel. And there is only one way to find out.
I'd say don't rush into it, I remember when dating meant going a bit further each time until you were gagging for it by the time you had the opportunity!

CocoLoco87 · 04/03/2017 20:30

DH bought his first house when he was 26. He wouldn't have been able to do that if he hadn't moved back home after uni. I think house prices are so high at the moment, it wouldn't bother me if someone lived with their parents for a while. I think 29/30 is the latest you should live at home but then every person / circumstance is different.

Give him a chance OP. He sounds nice from what you say. Would you rather he'd been with every girl under the sun?!

Houseofmirth66 · 04/03/2017 21:36

If he's not that interested in sex at 26, wait until he's 46! All that sensible saving and planning means he'll probably have a nice big house though. I predict he'll be spending a lot of time on lawn care.

Gabilan · 04/03/2017 21:46

It wouldn't bother me. It's over the statistical average, yes, but it's not that uncommon. And yes, you can have a high sex drive and still be picky and wait for the right person. Having a high sex drive doesn't necessarily mean you'll shag anyone. It can mean you wait for someone who's right for you and then shag them a lot.

Holly3434 · 04/03/2017 22:30

I'd actually love to be someone's first, it makes it more special if the relationship will go into long term. I think its common to live at home when at uni have you seen the huge fees!!

scottishdiem · 04/03/2017 22:34

Some weird comments here from the OP downwards.

26 year old virgin isnt a bad thing.

Medicine study is a fairly reasonable "excuse" is one is actually needed. Also, some people mature a bit later so dont do the immediate uni/teen shagathons.

Saving money living at home at 26 is also normal these days in parts of the country.

Where did the porn addiction thing come from?

Sex drive can be low or high depending on the person they are with.
Being a 'teacher' is fine (and very cliched way of looking at things to be frank). Every sexual relationship is a matter of learning what the other person likes and doesnt like.

ShoutOutToMyEx · 04/03/2017 22:38

It wouldn't bother me. At this early stage you've still got so much to find out about each other. Yes, he could be some weird mummy's boy with an addiction to porn (to address PP's concerns!) - but so could the next bloke you meet in the pub who shagged half his year at university.

We're all so different. That's what's fun about dating! Give him a chance.

Giraffesaretootall · 04/03/2017 23:06

I have a male friend who was a virgin until about 32. He is a perfectly nice normal guy who wasn't desperate for a relationship and waited until he found someone he really liked, just didn't bother going out with (and therefore having sex with) people he wasn't bothered about. Again he was high flying career wise.

His first girlfriend knew the situation and when he asked me for advice when they were first together and he knew it was imminent I told him to just go with the flow. All was fine and they were together for a few years.

If you actually like the bloke, give him a chance.

Jenniferb21 · 04/03/2017 23:20

Honestly... I'd wait to have sex with him because you won't truly know if it's a problem until then.

The upside of being the teacher? You can teach him what you like!! No bad habits!!

The other thing is the age to get your first house is around 30 (esp in London) so that wouldn rule out many young men.

If he's training to be a doctor it makes complete sense to save for a deposit whilst living at home to me. It doesn't sound ideal but doesn't ring alarm bells to me.

Unless he was generally weird in his personality. The way I see it there's a compromise with any relationship. If this is yours... that he'll be living for at home for a while and it may take a few months for him to get confidence in the bedroom that's not a bad one!
X

Wingsofdesire · 04/03/2017 23:21

Agree with Sidge.

I'd be delighted to have an untouched 26 year old who was carefully focused on his career and clearly going to be successful and sorted, and also making sure he makes the right choice with a relationship : )

I think that if you do hit it off, he'll be a great partner. If you don't, he won't go with it anyhow.

He hasn't had sex because he didn't want to do it just for the sake of it. You don't know he isn't highly sexed. He is careful. That's all. I personally would like that. Makes a change from reckless, feckless and selfish!

TreeTop7 · 04/03/2017 23:21

I think that he sounds fine! See how it goes, enjoy getting to know him.

Have PPs misread the porn thing? The ex was into that, not the current guy.

ShoutOutToMyEx · 04/03/2017 23:38

Makes a change from reckless, feckless and selfish!

Amen to that!

Houseofmirth66 · 04/03/2017 23:58

Sex is fun, free and healthy. Why miss out by waiting for 'the one' before you give it a go? You'll be less equipped to recognise a really special connection when it happens. It's like only reading one book in your life and deciding it's the best you've ever read - or will ever read.

babyinarms · 05/03/2017 00:08

It wouldn't bother me one bit ! My dh was a Virgin at 26 and I was his first. We had many years of lots and lots of sex ( before kids came along lol!).... he had and still has a high sex drive. Don't judge him so fast !

PushingThru · 05/03/2017 09:46

I'd be concerned that it was indicative of a lack of ability to form relationships or build intimacy rather than the mechanics of sex per se. Living with parents at 26...again, I'd worry about somebody who hasn't lived independently. It wouldn't work for me.

Cricrichan · 05/03/2017 10:00

He might lack confidence. Dh was a virgin until 21 and he's got a very high sex drive.

The bit about not finding the right person does ring alarm bells but you can give it a go.

mamakena · 05/03/2017 10:15

Unless you're leaving out some info, you've got yourself a nice successful man, who honors sex as a special bond to be saved for the right person. Sounds wonderful to me. I hope you're worth the wait for him.

MrsPinkCock · 05/03/2017 11:01

For me personally, I wouldn't date a virgin, nor would I date someone still living at home.

Mainly because the difference in our lives would make us fundamentally incompatible. I'd rather be with someone on my wavelength.

RedAndYellowPeppers · 05/03/2017 11:02

A lot of people are still living with their parents at that age, alone or as a couple actually to be able to save up for a house.
There is nothing unusual about that nowdays.

hollyisalovelyname · 05/03/2017 11:09

Sidge
I love your post.

garlicandsapphire · 05/03/2017 11:20

I really don't want to be rude to anyone else here at all. But I don't have your relationship history and I would still find both his virginity and living with his parents a little - shall we say - surprising, a pause for thought. As I would for a 26 year old woman. Not rational, fair, sensible but I would.

Its not a reason to walk away but I'd wonder whether he really wanted a relationship, sex etc, whether he was looking for such a 'miss perfect' he never would find her. I once went out with a guy with whom it felt like he was interviewing for the job of wife - the moment of passion never came and I simply got bored of waiting for it! Sometimes the moment passes.

Has he shown any signs of affection to you, is there chemistry? Without knowing that, how do we know he will want to have sex with you? You might have a long selection process to go through yet! And if it does happen I don't think there will be many joyful passionate romps back at his place....

But seriously I'm not trying to put you off. It really depends how much you like him and what the chemistry is like as with anyone...

Gabilan · 05/03/2017 11:24

For those people gravitating towards "26! What a weirdo" what happens is this:

As a teenager you're a bit shy. Nothing really odd. Maybe a history of being a bit serious at school that got you picked on and dented your confidence. Not the sort of thing that requires a lifetime of therapy but the sort of thing that probably makes you more empathetic towards people who veer from the norm.

And you view sex as important and want the first time to be with someone who cares about you. Not true love, or the one, or waiting until you're married, just with someone significant who values you. And when you're a teenager that person doesn't come along. Being a bit shy doesn't help, the rest is just luck.

So then you're 20 and at uni and the right person to lose your virginity to hasn't appeared. You meet people you'd happily shag if you were more experienced and confident but you're not. And increasingly you're aware that being a virgin in your 20s is considered unusual and a bit odd. Which makes it more difficult to tell anyone and also narrows down the field of people you want to have sex with still further. So it becomes more of a thing, when it wasn't really that much of a thing to begin with. It's just that you want someone special for the first time and they don't seem to be there.

So you're 26 and still a virgin and increasingly aware that people will think this is weird. When it isn't really. You're "normal", whatever that is, have good friends, study hard, have hobbies as well, you just don't want to tell the world you're a virgin because you know people will judge you.

It's normal enough that Hollywood made a film called The 40 Year Old Virgin, which is actually one of the more bearable rom coms out there.

Sidge · 05/03/2017 12:06

Thank you holly.

I find it quite sad that people think a man, living at home at 26 and not found someone special enough to share his life or have sex with as "weird".

This guy has been studying medicine. I'm guessing some of you have no idea just how much time, money, effort and commitment this requires. As Gabilan says if he's shy and focused on his studies then maybe it just wasn't a priority?