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Original poster

New man I am seeing is a virgin aged 26...

133 replies

NameChangeAnon123 · 04/03/2017 18:23

I recently came out of a long relationship and one of the key reasons we split up was lack of sex, bad sex when we did have it and my ex-partners selfishness in bed. It was a very one-sided relationship and he was addicted to porn.

I have started seeing a new guy. We have been on a few dates now, he seems to be a really lovely and genuine guy. He has a good career, family and is generally a very well rounded person. Last night we went out, had a great time and I initiated the conversation about relationship history. He told me that he has never had a relationship, or had sex because he has been so focused on studying for his career (medicine). He also said he has never met the right person to want to be in a relationship or have sex with.

I don't know if I am being ridiculous because of my experience with my ex, but this did ring alarm bells. I find it very strange that he wouldn't have had a relationship at 26, or slept with anyone. As bad as this sounds, I am concerned that if I do enter into a sexual relationship with him I will have to take on the role of a teacher which I don't want to do.

Am I being silly, or is this a little odd considering his age?

OP posts:
boolifooli · 05/03/2017 20:55

Don't know if it's been mentioned on this thread already but was lister to Jimmy Carr on Desert Island Discs earlier and he didn't lose his until he was 27

Wingsofdesire · 05/03/2017 21:12

I think, OP, that this may be as much to do with what you've been through before, and you want someone proven to be 'normal' now.

The point about this guy - much more than his sexual experience and that what suited best for supporting him during his very long and costly training was living at home - is: do you like him? What attracts you to him? Why are you asking about all this - is it to convince yourself he's ok?

You shouldn't need convincing. If you really liked him I think you wouldn't mind that he's v 'clean' in terms of his life so far. Clean is better than a lot of other things ... but I don't really get much sense of what you like about him. It's all about assessing him. ?

PollyPerky · 05/03/2017 21:13

Gabilan You are conflating many different things with your comment to me.
My DCs and many others who lived away from home from 18 have more life experience afforded by sharing student digs, and then shared houses once employed, compared to someone who never has. This is obvious from what I said.

There is no need for snide remarks because it's pretty obvious that moving out of the parental home is a rite of passage with which most people would acknowledge.

The other life experiences he has had such as travel (yes many young people do that too), sport and socialising (yes, those boxes are ticked too) are part and parcel of life for most young people as well.

I'm sorry but as I said I had a boyfriend of 34 who was a virgin and it did cause issues which we couldn't get past. That was a long time ago, but even then it was unusual.

I wouldn't worry about 'teaching' him things but I'd worry about the emotional side of it if this was a Really Big Thing for him, if you then split up because it sounds as if the whole sex thing has become very important to him, not in a good way.

Greaterexpectations · 05/03/2017 22:05

I don't think it's odd he's a virgin at his age, everyone's paths through life differ and the fact he's been honest about it shows his character.

I think the main issue OP is whether you prefer men with more sexual experience or not and that's something only you can decide. If his total lack of experience is a major concern for you then you should stop seeing him but if not then why not just continue to see how it goes?

drspouse · 05/03/2017 22:20

I'm not even going to give ages here because you'd all scream and run, but my DH lived at home (not at uni) till he'd saved up for a deposit on a flat - late 20s - and we both had some semi-serious relationships but were each other's first.

He is and seems to always have been a grown-up. I am astonished by how unreconstructed some much younger men are, and how they are described as "good" partners and fathers for making the tiniest effort.

We do have two small children now so mainly are knackered but have had very, er, active spells in the past especially when first together.

Oh and when we met his washing machine had broken and he was taking his washing home to Mum every weekend. I expressed surprise and, being an actual grown-up, he bought one immediately.

(On the other hand, a good friend does HR for junior doctors. Some of them ask her to book their trains/sort out their utility bills/sort out their annual leave messes. So some clearly still need Mum).

PollyPerky · 06/03/2017 07:54

I don't think it's just the lack of sexual experience that's the issue but the lack of any meaningful or casual relationships by 26. He's missed out on all the adolescent fumblings, crushes and disappointments that most of us go through from mid teens right through our twenties.
To be focused on your studies exclusively is somewhat unusual. Medicine is a tough degree but so are many other degrees. my DCs and their friends studied equally hard at various degrees over similar lengths of time but still had time for 'play.'

I think I'd want to know why he'd never dated or found a girl he liked and wanted to have sex with in 10 years ( from 16-26.)

Presumably OP you are roughly his age so the gap in your life experiences is going to be pretty big.

Personally, I feel the 'too busy with exams to meet anyone' is a red herring. The man I met who was a virgin at 34 had equally plausible 'reasons' but the truth was he had real issues (a lot of it to do with his upbringing and parental attitudes) which were revealed later on.

Good luck anyway!

Phoebefromfriends · 06/03/2017 08:54

I've previously dated a virgin and it was awful he became a real pest. He was so desperate to dtd that he tried too hard and actually became quite stalkerish in the end. We never dtd as I didn't like him enough and felt enormous pressure. Unbeknownst to me he ended up dating a work colleague and he was still texting me, which I totally ignored. Then he came into work and I realised he had been with her 6 months, which was awkward.

When he's at home does he cook and do his own washing? If this progresses you don't want to end up mothering him.

If you like him and there aren't any other red flags you could take it slow, personally I would run a mile.

Wingsofdesire · 06/03/2017 17:02

I think that if you think he's potentially odd for being a virgin and living at home, then aside from whether or not he's right for you, I think you probably aren't right for him ...

TheNaze73 · 06/03/2017 17:22

I think he may actually be being economical with the truth. Sounds like a ruse for somebody who wants loads of adventurous sex under the badge of learning. One of the oldest chestnuts in the book

WannaBe · 06/03/2017 17:36

Well, I wouldn't have a relationship with anyone who had had a lot of casual sex, and yet people would happily judge me for that because casual sex is something which should be embraced etc etc etc.

What has society come to when we view someone being a virgin as weird and not relationship material?

PollyPerky · 06/03/2017 17:42

I think that is being simplistic Wanna.
No one is judging him per se, but the fact is at 26 he's not met anyone to have a relationship with, and has no experience of dating.
Either he is very very fussy, very shy or maybe has a low sex drive.
Most young men from the age of about 15 are desperate to have sex with a girl and will - especially if at uni for 5 years- find someone who is happy to DTD. I don't know what the stats are but I reckon he will be in something like 1% of men aged 26 who - monks and Catholic priests excepted- are still virgins.

Unlike you I'd not be wary of men who had sowed a few wild oats.

Loopytiles · 06/03/2017 17:48

Have you discussed porn?

NerrSnerr · 06/03/2017 18:05

'Have you discussed porn?'

Personally if I was embarking on a new relationship I would be a bit Hmmif the bloke brought up me watching porn or masturbation in general before we'd even slept together!

Loopytiles · 06/03/2017 18:07

I guess so, but they've already discussed relationship / sexual history and OP's ex used a lot of porn to the detriment of the relationship, so it seems reasonable to ask IMO!

WannaBe · 06/03/2017 18:34

Iirc the average age to lose one's virginity is 21. So in reality while many do lose their virginity at a younger age, there will also be many who have a lot of bravado and who won't admit to still being virgins at an older age.

I also imagine that the older you are, the more difficult it is because people like many on this thread don't see it as acceptable to still be a virgin at 26, or even 24, or perhaps even 22? What is the cut-off I wonder?

As for asking someone about their porn habits being a contributor to their virginity, if someone asked me that I would run a mile and they wouldn't be the one either.

TBH for me I would be far more concerned about being with someone who had a lot of sexual history, because of the expectations they would likely have. And yet a lot of casual sex is seen as something normal and not to be judged. In fact there are many on here who would say that how many previous partners you've had is none of anyone else's business, and someone who judged that wouldn't be worth dating anyway.

PollyPerky · 06/03/2017 22:34

Where did you get that stat about average age to lose virginity? It's actually more like 16- 17, not 21.

This is from the FPA

The average age at first intercourse has fallen from 17 to 16 for both men and women.(2)
(Nearly a third (30 per cent) of men and a quarter (26 per cent) of women aged 16–19 first had sexual intercourse before the age of 16.*

SleepFreeZone · 06/03/2017 22:39

Does he want to have sex with you OP? If he has waited this long to find the right person then I would imagine he would want to have sex with someone he envisaged a meaningful relationship with.

You just don't sound that into him to be honest so it might be better that you aren't the person to be his first.

Zaphodsotherhead · 07/03/2017 09:13

My only worry (because it happened to me) would be that he'd be keen on the relationship right up until he decided that he'd got enough practice in now and wanted to 'meet other people'.

If you've been the only person in his life that he's had sex with, can you guarantee that he's not going to wake up one day and resent that?

picklemepopcorn · 07/03/2017 09:27

Zaphod I wondered that about DH but he's still here 25 years on.

Zaphodsotherhead · 07/03/2017 09:33

Good for you, pickle. I only mentioned it because I was my ex's 'first' and he was quite happy being in the relationship until his eye started to wander and he began to wonder what 'another woman' would feel like.

He couldn't stop thinking about it, and eventually went off to find out. But I'm glad you are still together (gives me hope).

DramaQueenofHighCs · 07/03/2017 09:37

My DH was a virgin at 32 when we started going out. But let's just say he was a very quick learner and I have never had any complaints.
I had an ex who was very experienced and he was rubbish in bed because he kept trying things out that he liked 'worked with other partners' but didn't with me and didn't listen to what I wanted. The advantage to "training" a virgin is that you can teach them exactly what you like.

Original poster
NameChangeAnon123 · 07/03/2017 10:35

He has also said he is quite picky when dating, which I don't really know what to make of Confused. He has also told me that he has 'done things' with women and has had the opportunity to have sex, but he has never had full intercourse and no meaningful relationships of any sort.

I think I am going to see how things progress and take it from there. We get on well and he seems to be a lovely and genuine person. Had he not told me about the virgin thing I would have no qualms about seeing him again. It's experiences like zaphods that concern me the most and make me worried about how/if things would work long term.

OP posts:
PollyPerky · 07/03/2017 16:25

Your last post OP made me feel less positive about the outcome. Those words are very similar to what my ex at 34 said to me (sexual experiences but stopped short of intercourse.) The big question in your case is why would a red blooded male not have sex if he was going 'so far' with a woman? It might help you read about the Princess and Prostitute syndrome where men put some women on a pedestal.

Blossomdeary · 07/03/2017 16:34

I cannot see what the problem is at all. You can go on a learning journey with him - could be fun!

thedancingbear · 07/03/2017 17:01

'Ive just started seeing this new girl. She's a qualified medical doctor, would you believe, and she's living at home whilst she saves up a deposit for a house - result!

However she's told me she's a virgin, so I'm having second thoughts. I'm worried she might be frigid, and I don't want to have to teach her how to give a good BJ. Should I dump her?'

Ffffs.

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