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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I overreacting about my bf groping me in public

502 replies

user1486897010 · 04/03/2017 16:44

Hi.
My bf who is father of my dd keeps touching my tits in public. Today we went shopping and he had his arm around me and was just cupping one of my boobs. I don't know if I'm overreacting but I just get a bit embarrassed from anyone walking past and seeing it. If i try to move his hand away he complains and gets all grumpy and just says he is showing me afection. It happens quite a bit. Either my boobs or bum. I've told him before i don't really like It in public and he stops for a bit but always goes back to doing it. He also complains that is it because I'm ashamed of him. And I'm not. But maybe I am just being silly. Sorry for the long post. Do you think I should mention it to him? What should I do?

OP posts:

Coverup890 · 06/03/2017 22:08

I would say it's got a bit better he still moans from time to time. The difference with us is I was his first girlfriend and I had just came out of a very abusive relationship so I think I didn't set my boundaries. I've made it clear that I can't carry on the way we where before and if it doesn't change it's over. I don't know if it will work or if he will just change back to how it was but with three children I don't want to just throw in the towel (he's never done anything in front of them).

All I can say is find the strength to stand up for yourself it's easier said than done but you are not his plaything and need to make sure he knows that.

Original poster

user1486897010 · 06/03/2017 22:09

Yeah I never ever thought i was being abused. I suppose thats what happens and how women end up in relationships like that.

I just thought he was being a typical male and always wanting sex and touching me. I don't know why i didnt see it as abuse. He's always been like it for as long as i can remember.it still does seem really extreme to call it sexual abuse but everyone is saying it on here so must be true.

OP posts:

Original poster

user1486897010 · 06/03/2017 22:11

People are probably going to say this is very stupid but i kinda just thought all women did that and had sex/give bjs sometimes when they don't feel like it just to keep there hisband/bf happy

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 06/03/2017 22:15

No. It's not normal and doesn't happen in other, healthy relationships.

All men are most definitely not like that, thankfully.

AssassinatedBeauty · 06/03/2017 22:16

They really don't. He's not a typical male, he's an entitled man-child. The grabbing you between the legs or your breasts without permission when you've told him not to is a sexual assault.

NameChange30 · 06/03/2017 22:19

OP, when you were growing up was your dad around or did you have a stepdad or anything? Basically was there a man around and did he grope your mother whether she wanted him to or not?

Original poster

user1486897010 · 06/03/2017 22:34

i think just because is my first relationship i didnt realise. i just thought men were like that and just have to put up with it.

is horrible to think that he just sees me as a pair of tits and a vagina but maybe that is what he actualy thinks.. :(

i didnt have a dad when i was growing up. My mum was a single mum and i never realy saw my dad

OP posts:

MiscellaneousAssortment · 07/03/2017 00:11

I'm bit confused about how passive and accepting your posts are OP. Not wanting to sound rude, but do you always just accept everything people tell you? Or do you just tell people what they want to hear rather than have any disagreements?

Don't mean it rudely, I'm trying to work out the dynamics of what is happening...

HerOtherHalf · 07/03/2017 09:10

he's never hit me or anything before. sometimes he gets angry but then everyone does sometimes

Do you mind if I ask you to elaborate on this? When you say he gets angry, what do you mean exactly? Does he get aggressive towards you? Do you feel intimidated, threatened or worried that if you don't appease him he may get more angry? Do his displays of anger generally mean that he gets his way over whatever you were disagreeing about?

There are various levels of abuse and domestic violence and just because someone isn't being beaten it does not necessarily mean they are not a victim of abuse. A lot of abusers will use fear and the implied threat of violence to dominate and control their victim. That is still an extremely unhealthy position to be in, even if actual violence is not being used. It erodes your self-confidence, makes you increasingly more compliant and the longer it goes on the harder it generally is to find the strength to break away.

picklemepopcorn · 07/03/2017 09:25

You need to talk to women's aid to help you work out your financial position. You need to know about benefits, and child support, and whether you are entitled to anything from him after contributing to his and your DDs living expenses all this time. You may not be, but you may.

HarmlessChap · 07/03/2017 09:55

Have just skimmed through so apologies if what I say has been said previously.

Your BF is acting out the role of alpha male, showing ownership and control over you. His public displays are intended to warn off other males and show that your are his. His attitude towards sex and you fulfilling his wants backs this up.

It wouldn't surprise me if feels the need to prove dominance over other males by getting into fights at times.

I imagine he would find it hard to resist these "instincts" so I doubt he would ever change.

PollyBanana · 07/03/2017 12:30

It's so sad that the OP assumes that all men incessantly pester for sex, grope in public, and that " not being hit" is something worthy of a medal.

NameChange30 · 07/03/2017 12:36

Yes that is what an abusive relationship will do to a woman and her way of thinking

AstrantiaMallow · 07/03/2017 13:04

OP
My exH was similar to your BF. He groped whenever he felt like it. He didn't do it in public if we were out with friends/family and not in front of the kids. But he did it if it was just the two of us, public or not. He knew I disliked it, he knew I felt embarrassed.
He did it before we were married but actually he started doing it a lot more after. He had lots of reasons for this: you're too sexy, don't be so prudish we're married, they don't have to look if they don't like it, you shouldn't have worn this top, I can't help it, I love you. Same with sex, I gave in always because otherwise he was moody and anyway I knew if I didn't he would still go ahead. On paper I had a stable upbringing with parents together, 'respectable' lot. But it was pretty loveless, and very critical and I didn't really know what love was supposed to look like.

I can't tell you how much it's fucked with my head. Take your time to get your ducks in a row but don't marry him. As he's doing it in front of your DD I'd take it that he will just carry on. I suppose you could try to make a big scandal if he does it in a public place, like a PP did with success. I'd never have had the guts to do this. There's also the (big) risk that he'll stop for 2-3 months and then start again. That was my ex's strategy.

Even if you feel you love him and enjoy sex with him now (I did too at the start) the groping and constant demands will chip away at all of that until a few years down the line you can't stand the sight of him. For my ex it was a control and property thing. On the plus side I met someone else afterwards who just wouldn't dream of doing anything like this, and makes me realise even more what bullshit my ex's excuses were! I hope you can get out of this very soon.

Original poster

user1486897010 · 07/03/2017 18:56

Well he doesn't get angry very much but if he does he just shouts a lot.
Is normaly over stupid stuff but yeah doesnt happen that often.

i don't think i am that accepting! But i cant shout at him and make a thing at him in public. Might sound silly but i just cant do that.

Yeah i think he does act quite alpha male and around his mates too. Sometimes they come round for drinks or to watch sport and he wants to chose what i wear when they are here.

i am starting to get my head around it. just at the moment i feel like i would rather just put up with the groping sometimes instead of having to leave and yeah i don't really know where I'm going to go or do for money and with dd. that might sound bad but leaving seems worse even though he isnt treating me that well.

OP posts:

AssassinatedBeauty · 07/03/2017 19:06

I hope you feel able to tell him no if he thinks he can tell you what to wear.

It's worth thinking about the effect on your DD if she witnesses this and thinks it normal. Plus I can't believe his behaviour will get better, I fear he'll keep escalating the amount he controls you.

AstrantiaMallow · 07/03/2017 19:12

Oh goodness... my ex used to tell me what to wear too. I really think you need to get out.
I really wish I had ended things much earlier. Everything put together really damaged how I see myself and my ability to relate to men in general and it's not easy once the damage is done.
Also if your DD picks up on it, it's going to damage her too. Perhaps if you can't do it for yourself, do it for her.
I'm so glad I'm not going to grow older with my ex.

gaaahhhh · 07/03/2017 19:19

OP you need to speak to someone in RL about this. Nothing of what you are saying about your relationship is healthy. When is your next HV appointment for DD? I think you should bring it up with her as she will be trained in domestic abuse and give you the facts eye-to-eye. She is there to support you too as well as DD. Or call your aunt.

From the info you are giving, and the responses to all the unanimous advice, I don't think you really get how inappropriate his behaviour is, otherwise you would leave!

Original poster

user1486897010 · 07/03/2017 19:29

thank you for ur posts. I'm not ignoring what ur saying. hs just been a lot to take in. i am accepting it more then yesterday though. its really bad and i have to leave. it is scary but ur right i need to do it for dd i think. I really don't want her to grow up and think its ok.

oh wow AstrantiaMallow. it does sound exactly same as your ex. yeah he normaly choses something tight or with a lot of cleavage or no bra. is like he wants to show off to his mates.

i think i am going to try and call womens aid and seek to my friend. i am just gonna act normal now though until i work out what to do.

i wont get any of the house or anything will i if we split up? do you get anything if your not married?

OP posts:

gaaahhhh · 07/03/2017 19:42

Well done OP, its going to be tough but worth it, you'll look back and wish you did it sooner. You deserve better. All women who are going through this and worse deserve better. And you have a chance for a fresh start.
If he turns on the charm, or tries to make out that you are being irrational, read thru the thread again!

AssassinatedBeauty · 07/03/2017 20:21

I don't know enough to be certain but if you're not married and the house isn't yours then I don't think you'd get any part of it. That shouldn't stop you being able to leave though, Women's Aid can advise I'm sure.

Can you start saving small amounts without his knowledge? Do you get the child benefit for your DD paid directly to you?

Original poster

user1486897010 · 07/03/2017 21:24

thank you. yeah i hope i get there. it is still really scary and a part of me is still saying to stay and not leave cos i still love him.

i don't know how he is going to react if i say to him i am gonna leave.

i spend most of my salary on food and stuff. the child benefit goes to him cos he set it up. i dunno if i can save anything without him knowing :/ i have about £1000 in a savings account.

OP posts:

JorahsMissus · 07/03/2017 21:30

The OP might not leave right away but hopefully with this thread's help, it has opened her eyes to what she is living with. It might take a bit of time for her to fully agree with what people are saying here asshe sounds like she is trying to see his good points as a way to maybe outdo the bad, which is normal I suppose. But I think now that things have been pointed out to her then they may become clearer as the days/weeks go on and she'll see what has been said here is true.

In that time OP, save every penny you have! Build bridges with people who could help you when you need to leave him and just keep yourself and your DD safe.

AssassinatedBeauty · 07/03/2017 21:39

Does he spend the child benefit on your DD? I really hope he does. Or you should have access to it to spend on her. He is financially abusing you otherwise.

Quartz2208 · 07/03/2017 21:59

What does his salary go on? You can get the child benefit back i think

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