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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I overreacting about my bf groping me in public

502 replies

user1486897010 · 04/03/2017 16:44

Hi.
My bf who is father of my dd keeps touching my tits in public. Today we went shopping and he had his arm around me and was just cupping one of my boobs. I don't know if I'm overreacting but I just get a bit embarrassed from anyone walking past and seeing it. If i try to move his hand away he complains and gets all grumpy and just says he is showing me afection. It happens quite a bit. Either my boobs or bum. I've told him before i don't really like It in public and he stops for a bit but always goes back to doing it. He also complains that is it because I'm ashamed of him. And I'm not. But maybe I am just being silly. Sorry for the long post. Do you think I should mention it to him? What should I do?

OP posts:
gaaahhhh · 05/03/2017 22:10

. Sometimes i don't feel in the mood and don't want sex but i do it to keep him from being grumpy and moody.

There's an ad floating around on mn about sexual abuse which may be of interest. And what you are saying counts as non-consensual sex OP.

Jesus...How would he feel if every time he grabbed your breasts in public you pulled down his trousers yanked on his penis in front of everyone? It's degrading.

watermelongun · 05/03/2017 23:44

But you shouldn't HAVE to have sex you don't want! I know you've minimised and normalised it in your head (I know I did - for a long time), but it is horrible that you have to do this. And it's very damaging to your self esteem, mental health - it's bad for your soul. Sex should ALWAYS
be completely consensual. Can you see that by doing it to stop him being moody, it's a form of control isn't it? I'm so glad you're turning your thoughts to it. I

picklemepopcorn · 06/03/2017 06:49

As you love him and want to give him one more chance, I said this earlier:

^If you make clear to him that you dislike it, find it disrespectful, and expect him to stop, he should be embarrassed that he has misread your signals, and stop doing it.

If he argues that you are being unreasonable, then he believes that he has more right over your body than you do, and that can't be right, can it?^

So, whose body is it? Are you allowed to own your body or not? If not, what does that mean? There is no middle ground here, and you are financially very vulnerable. He is living off you and using your body as his own. Yes, he 'looks after you', but only in the same way he would look after a valuable piece of equipment.

mummabubs · 06/03/2017 07:57

Possibly developing, although for me even though I stayed for over 2 years in my relationship and became very good at normalising what was going on, my parents' relationship is very respectful and loving... no history of any abuse/difficult relationships in my family so it baffled me afterwards as to why I'd ever accepted it in the first place. Think when you think you love the other person you make a lot of allowances.

DevelopingDetritus · 06/03/2017 08:17

So that's my theory out of the window, everyone is different I suppose.
What about in yourself bubs, do you feel that you had low self esteem/confidence, or was it just the fact that you loved him and wanted it so much to work out.

mummabubs · 06/03/2017 14:05

I think I'm secondary school I became a bit more withdrawn after bullying, but moved schools and gained confidence from this. I think for me I work within mental health so I felt quite a lot of shame that I'd worked with so many people who'd been in abusive relationships and not seen the signs myself until I was very far in. He was the first guy I'd ever really fallen for so I think when he showed signs of being interested in me I just got lost in the "romance" of it all... (whilst we were housemates and he was still in a distance relationship... should have been a massive sign in itself to run for the hills!!) I just know that what really struck me about the OP post is that this behaviour is probably the first thing I remember as thinking might not be ok in my previous relationship, which then escalated over the next 18 months until I was deeply unhappy but felt completely trapped in my situation. Hopefully the OP finds support to help them leave.

DevelopingDetritus · 06/03/2017 15:04

Glad you got out. I hope the OP does too.

Original poster
user1486897010 · 06/03/2017 18:15

thank you so much for all ur support! I don't know what i would do wivout it. Would never have reliased.

Is still really confusing and hard to get my head round.
like the sex thing and the money thing.

He did it again yesterday. We were out and he had his arm round me and he was just cupping his hand round my breast. i kept taking his hand off but he kept going back, I then said to stop and he started honking it and laughing and said its just a joke and tht I'm his woman so i shouldnt mind but then he stopped.

but then before that in the day he was really sweet and so nice and i do love him and want us to stay a family but i don't know. Maybe isnt that bad what he's doing and is ok to have some bad stuff for the good things.

it is rely helpful what ur saying DevelopingDetritus and mummabubs but i don't know. i do really love him even though yeah i know isnt good wat he's doing

OP posts:
AssassinatedBeauty · 06/03/2017 18:28

In a healthy relationship you don't need to accept some bad things in order to be treated properly in other areas. I'm honestly gobsmacked by the recent behaviour you've just described. He has no respect for you at all and has clearly told you that he thinks of you as his possession. Like a walking toy for him to play with.

If my partner tried that after I'd said no, I'd have gone nuts and shouted at him something like "what the fuck are you doing?" and then I'd have left him to it - gone home or back to the car or similar. If he wasn't 100% sorry afterwards then it would probably be the end of the relationship.

ElspethFlashman · 06/03/2017 18:29

Well if 7 pages on here isn't going to convince you that it's not that bad, then I hope you find some way of at least keeping it away from your daughters view.

ElspethFlashman · 06/03/2017 18:32

I'm actually not sure why you're not going completely apeshit at him.

Are you even allowed to go apeshit?

NameChange30 · 06/03/2017 18:34

"Maybe isnt that bad what he's doing and is ok to have some bad stuff for the good things."

Nope. You're deluding yourself. We've all told you that his behaviour is very bad. And if you read the link I shared in an earlier post (to the post called "Right, listen up everybody") it makes the very important point that the only acceptable level of abuse is none. No amount of good behaviour makes up for it.

Google the cycle of abuse. That's what he does.

NameChange30 · 06/03/2017 18:35

www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/cycle_of_abuse.html

Original poster
user1486897010 · 06/03/2017 18:54

ok yeah you're right. it is really bad. yeah i read the abuse thing and it is like that..

i don't want to cause a massive thing in public but was so embaresing people walking past seeing him fondling my breasts.

i think i just cant believe this has happened and i know probably that he is abusing me and i need to leave him but cant accept it. i always thought we would end up married mayb with another kid.

is just really scary thinking about having to leave.

why is he even doing it to me??? does he realise?

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 06/03/2017 19:07

Why don't you publicly ask him why he does something to you when he knows you don't like it?

AssassinatedBeauty · 06/03/2017 19:10

Yes he realises but his understanding of it will be different to yours. He thinks he is entitled to behave this way because he is a man and you are his girlfriend. (He's wrong of course, he isn't entitled to behave like this). He's actually said as much to you. He thinks women should be grateful and not complain about it. Just because he doesn't actually hit you or similar doesn't mean he is nice and treats you as an equal.

Do you have any family you and your DD could move in with for a while so you can work on getting yourself sorted out?

Quartz2208 · 06/03/2017 19:53

He is saying because you are his, he needs override yours so yes he does realise it

Do you have family near by

Original poster
user1486897010 · 06/03/2017 20:02

why do men think that...

should i tell him I'm going to leave?? i still need time to just think about leaving. i cant just like tomorrow go with dd and not come back. I couldnt do that.

i have an aunt i could probably stay with but she lives about 2 hours away so i would have to leave my job. i don't have any family nearby. he moved her cos of his job so isnt where i grew up.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 06/03/2017 20:06

Why don't you take a bit of time to think and plan. You don't have to leave right this second. It might be easier to carry on as normal so he doesn't suspect anything. But don't wait too long!

Coverup890 · 06/03/2017 20:10

My dp used to grab me between my legs from behind while out apparently he was just being affectionate and also didn't really listen when I said I didn't like it. He soon stopped when I shouted at him in the middle of a busy shopping centre and acted like I didn't know who he was.

specialsubject · 06/03/2017 20:14

It is not 'men'. It is this one.

What he is signalling is 'look ! Tits I can grope whenever I want!'. This is schoolboy stuff. 'You're my woman' is cave man stuff.

You should be partners in all aspects - that is a real relationship.

He could change if he wanted. He could realise this behaviour is bad and stop it.

Coverup890 · 06/03/2017 20:31

Just read this whole thread and wanted you to know your not alone my dp has been like this a long time (10yrs). For the last few months I've finally started saying no. Yes he moans gets to make me feel bad for not wanting sex ect but I think it's starting to sink in I'm a human being and not just something to please him. I know I should never have let it got to this point. The warning signs were there early on. I'm not sure what I'm trying to say other than your not alone and it's not right. Please don't put up with it as long as I did.

mummabubs · 06/03/2017 21:31

He does know OP- you've told him you don't want him to do it and he still does. My guess (and please accept my apologies if I'm wrong) is that you don't challenge him because on some level you're afraid of his reaction. The fact he still did it yesterday again and again even after you said no suggests he's definitely not ready to consider changing. The only thing at this stage that will change the situation is how you react to it... leaving would be my recommended action. You and your child deserve better xx

Original poster
user1486897010 · 06/03/2017 21:43

I think you're right. Im going to carry on as normal for now until i can get my head around it a bit and work out more of a plan. i cant just leave now.

I don't know if i could do that in public and just shout at him. He's done that to me before to.grabbing me between my legs but normaly is my boobs.

I'm sorry to hear that Coverup890. Are you still with him now? has he got better? i still think he could maybe change but doesn't seem like it right now.
he's never hit me or anything before. sometimes he gets angry but then everyone does sometimes

OP posts:
mummabubs · 06/03/2017 21:50

My ex never hit me either. Towards the end he'd start smashing doors and throwing objects around... which I felt was his way of showing me what he was capable of in order to keep me compliant. I think people can fall into the trap of assuming that there must be physical abuse for a relationship to be abusive, but sexual and emotional abuse (both of which I experienced and believe you are too) are just as damaging to the person on the receiving end. You just can't see the hurt as obviously as bruising. Xx

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