Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Am I overreacting about my bf groping me in public

502 replies

user1486897010 · 04/03/2017 16:44

Hi.
My bf who is father of my dd keeps touching my tits in public. Today we went shopping and he had his arm around me and was just cupping one of my boobs. I don't know if I'm overreacting but I just get a bit embarrassed from anyone walking past and seeing it. If i try to move his hand away he complains and gets all grumpy and just says he is showing me afection. It happens quite a bit. Either my boobs or bum. I've told him before i don't really like It in public and he stops for a bit but always goes back to doing it. He also complains that is it because I'm ashamed of him. And I'm not. But maybe I am just being silly. Sorry for the long post. Do you think I should mention it to him? What should I do?

OP posts:
growingseeds · 13/03/2017 21:25

I've read from the start of your thread and watched every new post. I believed you at the start and I believe you now.

If (i don't think so) this is a fake post well so be it. If it is a fake post I've typed a bit of stuff and spent a bit of my time doing so

. Safe, not abused, time which I have the choice to use to do so. Which so many abused people don't have that choice or option

If it's not a fake post, well I've supported a woman in an abusive situation (even if she doesn't yet realise this) to hopefully get away from her abuser. And taken her child away from an abusive situation. So they don't grow up and continue the cycle of abuse.

I'll take the chance this is a fake post anytime just in case its not.

Seeingadistance · 13/03/2017 21:29

I'm glad you've been able to talk to your friend and your aunt about this. Do you think you'll be able to go and stay with your aunt?

I believe you and although I've never been in your situation, I can see how you've become so used to the way he's been treating you that it's only now that you're able to talk about it, and get support from poster here, that you are able to see how awful his behaviour is. You are not stupid and you have nothing to be ashamed of.

What you've said here reminds me of a couple who were part of a group of friends who came to a party my parents had when I was a child. That would be over 40 years ago now, and I remember them very clearly. I never saw either of them again, but when I was much older my mother spoke to me about them. I remember the woman so clearly because she wasn't dressed at all like the other women there. She had lots of make-up and was wearing a short skirt and a very low cut top. My sister and I were passing round crisps and snacks and I remember that her husband kept dropping things so that she had to lean over to pick them up for him. Every time she did that, she almost fell out of her top. My mother later told me that this woman managed to leave her husband. She confided in a friend who helped her. Turns out that it was her husband who not only bought but chose all her clothes - everything - including underwear, and he decided what she would wear and how she should do her make-up. Like you, she was young when they got together and she was pregnant when they got married.

But she did it. She started confiding in friends - they supported her and helped her to get away from him, and make a new life for herself away from him.

You can do that too.

MarklahMarklah · 14/03/2017 12:46

ptumbi I quite agree - grabbing anyone in that way is unacceptable, but in front of friends and passing it off as humour?!

OP, I'm glad you're reviewing the situation. It is not normal. This is not how normal men behave. In fact, the last time I encountered anything vaguely like this was about a hundred years ago when I was at school (well, it was in the 80's) and the boys in my class aged 12 & 13 thought all women were just walking boobs and bits.

If you think he'd listen, you could tell him that you don't like it when he grabs you when you're in public. Tell him it is embarrassing and degrading. Tell him if he does it again you'll shout and make a fuss. God knows I would be screaming at the top of my lungs if my OH tried that on me. And punching him in the groin

If he won't listen then there is little chance things will improve, which, from what you've said before, seems to be the case.

This is not a healthy relationship. This does not set an example for your daughter. I wonder if you call Women's Aid if they can advise you on best way forward? If you're not in danger of violence I can understand why you're reluctant to pursue this sort of action, but assault is still assault. Ideally you can go and stay with your Aunt for a bit whilst you sort things out.

badabing36 · 14/03/2017 13:56

You can do it op.

NettleTea · 14/03/2017 16:22

so glad you were able to speak to your friend and aunt, and hope they will be able to help you move safely.
It is easy to minimise. I recently had to go through some old paperwork and came across my divorce papers and solicitors letters - I can see now that even then the solicitor was champing at the bit to serve injunctions and put prohibitive steps orders in place to protect my daughter, but I must have been minimising his behaviour and had obviously been questioning whether it was actually that bad. Its very easy to get confused in what is normal if you dont have anything good to compare it to.

Also be aware that he will put on the full charm offensive when you do leave. But it will all be a lie designed to pull you back in, and then you will be even more closely guarded to prevent you getting away again. Keep a list of everything he does/has done, and read it to remind yourself why you needed to leave. Better still leave and go no contact, getting a 3rd party to be the go between for any conversation only about your daughter or child maintanence

gaaahhhh · 15/03/2017 17:07

You ok op?

Original poster
user1486897010 · 16/03/2017 08:15

Hiya. Thankyou everyone for posting.

I have decided not to leave. I know everyone has said I need to but I want to give our family one more chance.

I had a really long talk with dp. I didn't say about the messages but just said I wasn't happy and things need to change and we did have a really good chat. I said I will give him one more chance. He said he never realised I was unhappy and was so sorry and he will change. He also said that he was thinking we should try get me pregnant so we can have another baby and be a proper family! He actually was crying and iv like never seen him cry. I really do believe him and think he will change and so am going to stay because I really want us to have a proper family. I will never let stuff happen in front of dd. I am gonna make sure she has a gd supportive family.

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 16/03/2017 08:16

Best of luck then.

You're gonna need it.

ElspethFlashman · 16/03/2017 08:17

It's extraordinary the things you appear to not really mind.

summerholsdreamin · 16/03/2017 08:22

Might be wrong but you seem very young to me OP?

I hope you have someone in RL that can properly support you in helping you to leave, because you do know it won't stop, right? He is showing all the classic signs of an abuser right down to the tears, and where to start with having another baby??

expatinscotland · 16/03/2017 08:23

He also said that he was thinking we should try get me pregnant so we can have another baby and be a proper family! '

You already are a 'proper family'. REALLY REALLY bad idea to get pregnant again.

girlandboy · 16/03/2017 08:28

I lost this thread and only just refound it. Your revelations about this relationship have escalated somewhat! All I will say is DO NOT GET PREGNANT! If you're going to give him another chance, do not rush into getting pregnant. I don't believe for one minute that he'll really change his behaviour. Maybe for a while, but it won't last, and then you'll be even more stuck. Don't do it!

pudding21 · 16/03/2017 08:28

Oh dear op. I knew how desperately you want it to work and him treat you right. If by some miracle he has a personality transplant overnight then I'm happy for you. Don't try having a baby yet. Leave it please.
If he even hints at his old behaviour again, post again so you can ask advice. :(

cestlavielife · 16/03/2017 08:32

So you will continue to let stuff happen....
Just behind bedroom doors ?
And the videoing ..will that stop ?
The banter with his mates?
Telling you what to wear?

He wants to keep you pregnant and dependent.
But you can still leave any time.

The crying promises...it s all typical but review in few weeks see if anything really changed.. .

theansweris42 · 16/03/2017 08:37

Oh OP. You want it to work of course. we're worried for you.
Please manage your expectations, be prepared in your mind for all outcomes. Including that he doesn't change and that you still aren't happy.
Don't "forget" about the messages. Don't let him film anymore.
Say no to the outfits and things.Go out when his mates are around or have a quiet one in your room with tv/internet/phone call/book.
If he tries to "persuade" you to do anything you don't want to, that's not okay.
Come here and post anytime.

theansweris42 · 16/03/2017 08:39

And....Don't get pregnant. There is no rush. Please don't. Everyone here will say the same, we have experience.
Put yourself and your DD first. You need to be on your game while you go through the next bit and see if anything improves.
take care

MollyHopps · 16/03/2017 08:48

Holy crap OP please dont get pregnant again. PLEASE.

He is playing you big time. He is making sure it's harder and harder for you to go.

Also, the crocodile tears? Emotional blackmail at it's finest.

Good luck Flowers You really will need it.

pinkyredrose · 16/03/2017 09:21

Oh dear

Quartz2208 · 16/03/2017 09:22

Sounds like he has been watching Holby city that's exactly what the abuser in that did cried so they would stay

Just think about the fact that you are in his eyes not a proper family now. And font kid yourself your daughter doesn't have a supportive family she has a highly dysfunctional one which will ensure she grows up with very skewed ideas

picklemepopcorn · 16/03/2017 09:28

Think how hard it is to leave now. Think how much harder it will be to leave if you are pregnant or have a baby. This man treated you like meat, showed no respect. Keeps you financially dependent.

Don't do it. He is still controlling you.

Dontwaketheneighbours · 16/03/2017 09:37

Oh dear OP, reading this thread has given me chills. I really feel for you and hope you have someone in RL who can look out for you. It's so awful that this man has manipulated you for so long that you fail to see what many many others have pointed out - that you are being sexually, physically and emotionally abused by this vile excuse for a human being.

The fact that his response to your concerns is to try and get you pregnant is truly horrifying.

I hope that one day soon you are able to find the strength to see this bully for what he really is. If not for your sake, then for that of your DD.

How are you not a proper family already? The only reason you're not is because he is a selfish, misogynistic pig - IMHO, and not a family man at all

Original poster
user1486897010 · 16/03/2017 10:03

I spoke to my friend and she said she thinks i should give him one more chance and then if he doesnt change i need to leave.

He is going on holiday soon with all his mates so that will give me some good time on my own to think about stuff.

ok yes i think you are right. i am not going to get pregnant agen straight away going to wait to see if he has changed

He has said all this things he is going to change and he said he's going to help a lot more with everything because i do all the housework and cooking atm and work part time. he said he is going to do all the cooking and everything for the next week to prove he means it.

Thank you so much everyone for the support btw.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1486897010 · 16/03/2017 10:04

it is really confusing and i know everyone has said to leave but i do love him and really want to give him just one more chance. But if he doesnt change i am going to leave but i think he can

OP posts:
girlandboy · 16/03/2017 10:20

That's alright then if he's going to cook for a whole week Hmm Be very careful.

AyeAmarok · 16/03/2017 10:22

Cook for a whole week?

Waddaguy.