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Original poster

Am I overreacting about my bf groping me in public

502 replies

user1486897010 · 04/03/2017 16:44

Hi.
My bf who is father of my dd keeps touching my tits in public. Today we went shopping and he had his arm around me and was just cupping one of my boobs. I don't know if I'm overreacting but I just get a bit embarrassed from anyone walking past and seeing it. If i try to move his hand away he complains and gets all grumpy and just says he is showing me afection. It happens quite a bit. Either my boobs or bum. I've told him before i don't really like It in public and he stops for a bit but always goes back to doing it. He also complains that is it because I'm ashamed of him. And I'm not. But maybe I am just being silly. Sorry for the long post. Do you think I should mention it to him? What should I do?

OP posts:
PidgeyfinderGeneral · 09/03/2017 21:49

I'm sorry too. I once trusted someone I loved with intimate photos of me - I'd never done that in my life and had massive reservations about it, which he knew and he swore that he would never do anything with them. I thought we'd be together for ever but I was wrong and it turned out he didn't appreciate me breaking it off.

I asked him to delete the photos and he refused, saying that they were now his property. It wasn't so much that I thought he would share them on revenge porn sites (which weren't really a thing then), more that he would share them with people I knew. He knew I was terrified of it, so he held it over me that he had the pictures and wouldn't delete them. He liked it that I was scared he would email them to my family or friends.

Twingler · 09/03/2017 22:03

Ugh, how can you even stand to be around them all? Honestly, if somebody tried to show me a video of their girlfriend, which they would naturally have thought was private, I'd be so disgusted and shocked. The fact that you think his friends would watch it given the chance makes my skin crawl. I wasn't suggesting that you should have thought about it or that you've done anything wrong btw, just trying to gauge whether you think it's a possibility. We don't know him, you would be the best judge of that. And with thinking you shouldn't have let him do so many photos and videos... Do you happily and willingly go along with it? Or do you go along with it to stop him being grumpy? There's nothing wrong with what you've done, it's just a sad fact that women need to consider that they can be easily shared and uploaded.

Are you scared of him? Some of the things people have said about challenging him or asking him to delete the videos etc would be a bad idea if you think he could get nasty. Are you close to your family?
Could you rely on them for support if you needed it?

AstrantiaMallow · 09/03/2017 22:10

Really, OP, I'd concentrate on getting out rather than trying to get hold of his phone. Once there's a video, who knows who's seen it and how? But once you're out and if he tries to threaten you to show it to his mates or whatever you can always contact police.

If you can tell your friend, I would do that. And can you contact WA as well. To get a plan to get out safely. I think here you need to work out how to finish things without problems. The way he boasts about being the big man with his mates I can't imagine he'll be happy to lose face here.

This kind of abuse is insidious and as I said before fucks with your head. I'm currently looking at more therapy because of the years I wasted with my ex. Your DD is still little, it might not feel like it now, but it'll be easier to deal with a split now than 5 years down the line when she's also damaged by what she's seen or heard, and you have to also unpick that.
I hope you can find a way out.

tipsytrifle · 10/03/2017 00:33

He's a lowlife scum bag and so are his mates. Don't fret about where all this stuff might have been shared - it's only with other low life scumbags too. They really really don't matter. It is no fault of yours - all his, as others have said. He takes advantage of you because he's a .. well, you know the descriptor now.

When you decide to leave him don't get tangled in what he thinks are the ropes that bind you. The only thing binding you is a mistaken belief that he is an honourable man who loves you, somewhere underneath all this grime. You know now that he isn't. That he doesn't take NO for an answer. That he hints/threatens to use you further with his mates, if he can get away with it. Or at least gain kudos from owning you enough to even hint at it. I doubt he'd actually be willing to "share" you with his mates but it's a degrading thought that he might get off on the idea of doing so, the entitlement he feels to even joke about it with them.

I suspect you also know that you've had more than enough of it all.

tipsytrifle · 10/03/2017 00:38

I meant "share" in the actual physical sense; it's possible he has shared the bj video - but by no means a certainty. I was referring more/also to how he makes you dress to titillate them - and him as he watches them watch you. Still unutterably disgusting because all of this is totally without your consent.

Naicehamshop · 10/03/2017 15:52

How are you feeling today, op? I hop you are managing to get your head round it all. Flowers

Purplefoxpaws · 10/03/2017 16:46

Hope you are ok op.

Flowers
Original poster
user1486897010 · 11/03/2017 07:26

Thank you everyone. I still don't really know how to feel. Is all such a big shock.

Just thinking about his mates seeing me doing all that stuff and being naked.

I am gonna try and tell my friend everything. See what she says.

Yeah I don't know why he wants me to wear tight clothes or show off my breasts to his mates. I don't really get it. He has a joke he sometimes does from Donald trump and he says grab em by the pussy and yeah just grabs me between the legs and doesn't let go for ages.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1486897010 · 11/03/2017 07:35

I also just read the other thread about not being allowed out on my own and he does that too :( it just keeps getting worse and more things that I didn't realise were that bad and thought was normal :(

OP posts:
PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 11/03/2017 08:09

Who is the friend you want to talk to? Because if she's of this crowd, I'm concerned that she wouldn't Get It, and might do more harm than good.

Talk to Women's Aid/DV people [as well]. Please?

DrMorbius · 11/03/2017 08:12

I am gonna try and tell my friend everything. See what she says
Op - there is an old Russian saying "If three people tell you, you are ill, go and see a doctor", every reply on here tells you, you are being abused. Tell your friend for support in RL, but you have had your advice on here, loud and clear.

In life you should always make your decision, as if you were not afraid. Fear of the unknown, fear of his response, fear of being alone, etc etc these are clouding your judgement at the moment. Remove all these from your mind and ask yourself, "Do I want to be in a relationship with a man, who is controlling, who coercises me into wearing revealing clothes for the titillation for him and his friends. Who uses my mouth and vagina as his own fuck you. More importantly, do I want my DD learning this is the way a woman should be treated?".

summerholsdreamin · 11/03/2017 08:16

OP...just imagine if this was your daughter telling you that this was happening to her by a partner. What would your immediate reaction be?

Olympiathequeen · 11/03/2017 08:33

If you can't find the code to his phone don't ask him and alert him to upload them to the internet, although they may already be in the cloud! Try to find a way to trick him into giving you the code (you can't find your phone and need to phone the GP urgently at xxx time when he's not there?). If he hasn't got the pics uploaded and they are only on the phone, I would disappear it and quietly smash it to pieces. Just deny all knowledge. You need to learn to lie convincngly and get things organised to get away from him with the least damage you can.

Original poster
user1486897010 · 11/03/2017 09:20

I really want to protect dd yeah that's the most important thing.

I just can't like leave today or tomorrow and just walk out. I don't know where I would go and also want to sort things out properly or mite put dd in a worse place.
Also yeah I want to try and delete the video and pics cos if I do leave then he probably will just out them on the internet and then they will be ther forever!!

OP posts:
Original poster
user1486897010 · 11/03/2017 09:21

I just can't believe I'm in this. I am gonna try and act Normal. I don't think he has noticed anything so far

OP posts:
SaorAlbaGuBrath · 11/03/2017 09:29

Oh OP I've just read your update about the video, I am so sorry. Can you speak to your friend soon? She may be able to help you make a plan to leave and also be a RL support. Flowers

Original poster
user1486897010 · 11/03/2017 09:57

Hopefully will speak to her tomorrow.
His mates were all round last night too. I just couldn't stop thinking that they have probably seen me naked and giving bj's/having sex... and they probably just view me as a sex object. i cooked dinner for all of them too but i already said to dp that i was going to so i couldnt back out of it.

OP posts:
SaorAlbaGuBrath · 11/03/2017 10:00

If they have seen it, it's them that's wrong, them and your partner, NOT you, you have done nothing wrong and have done nothing to deserve such degrading and awful treatment. Keeping things "normal" is a good idea, that way you can make your plans to escape with your DD and he will be none the wiser. Best of luck OP, please remember you are worth more, and you matter xx

DollyPS · 11/03/2017 15:20

You can just walk out after phoning woman's aid they have places for you to go to. Some are not in you in your home town but they do have a safe place for you and your DD to go.

If you think you'd be in danger at all. Wait till he is at work and leave. If he doesn't work go on the pretext of an outing or shopping with DD In tow.

Plus do remember to log out of here every time you use it or the privacy setting on tablets and phones. If pc delete the history every time too for safety.

gaaahhhh · 12/03/2017 07:20

Hope today goes ok OP!

ilovelamp82 · 12/03/2017 07:49

Are you ok OP?

Original poster
user1486897010 · 12/03/2017 08:34

Omg. I can't beleve it. :( :( :( I managed to get his phone and look at it. I went through his messages and him and his mates have a group chat on there. And there was a pic of me... sorry if tmi but it was a pic of me with his cum on my face and he said gave my gf a treat last night. I feel so humiliated. I didn't look at anymore. Also I didn't delete the videos. Maybe bad but I didn't want to until I was ready to leave. I'm not scared of him but don't know what he would do if he knew. I know people said he probably did share it but I was still hoping wasn't true

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 12/03/2017 08:36

I'm so sorry Sad

TipTop333 · 12/03/2017 08:37

I'm so sorry OP. Obviously the whole situation is awful but reading that group chat must have been devastating. I really hope you find a way to get out of there quickly.

gaaahhhh · 12/03/2017 08:43

He is foul. What a prick. I wouldn't ever trust him again. If you do break up,never get back with him. He's not gonna change, and being alone and raising your daughter with out her dad is much better than with him around. She doesn't need him, he will only be a prick to her. And may even objectify her when she is older too. She will hate him. He has no respect for women at all.