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Original poster

Am I overreacting about my bf groping me in public

502 replies

user1486897010 · 04/03/2017 16:44

Hi.
My bf who is father of my dd keeps touching my tits in public. Today we went shopping and he had his arm around me and was just cupping one of my boobs. I don't know if I'm overreacting but I just get a bit embarrassed from anyone walking past and seeing it. If i try to move his hand away he complains and gets all grumpy and just says he is showing me afection. It happens quite a bit. Either my boobs or bum. I've told him before i don't really like It in public and he stops for a bit but always goes back to doing it. He also complains that is it because I'm ashamed of him. And I'm not. But maybe I am just being silly. Sorry for the long post. Do you think I should mention it to him? What should I do?

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 09/03/2017 20:02

I'm sorry but there was a poster on here who's husband did a lot of groping/degrading stuff and it turned out he had shown his good friend a video of her giving him a blowjob. It shredded her nerves, cos he wasn't some stranger but a guy she knew well and she felt sick that he had been in her house after seeing that.

One time he brought her to a beach and"encouraged" (bullied) her into going skinny dipping with him. Then he got out first, gathered her clothes and refused to give them back and went back to the car which was on a public road. And she had to follow, burning with shame trying to cover herself with her hands and there were people up there who saw her. But she was at fault for not getting as off on it as him. She knew it was about display and control.

She left him in the end.

Original poster
user1486897010 · 09/03/2017 20:03

no not anymore. They've probably seen them all. I honestly cant believe it. Im angry at myself for being so stupid and angry at him for showing them.

His mates have actually all seen me having sex and giving him blowjobs.. :( i cant face seeing them again.

What do i do if he's put them on the internet?? how do i get rid of them?>

OP posts:
PidgeyfinderGeneral · 09/03/2017 20:08

Making you wear certain clothes in front of his friends? Just UGH.

A guy DH knew was like this with his GF. She always used to wear the tiniest, most revealing dresses but looked profoundly uncomfortable in them. Finally, she told me when we were alone in the loos at a pub that he bought her the dresses and insisted she wear them out with no knickers. Poor girl, she was quite young and inexperienced and clearly unhappy with it but not wanting to refuse him.

He also used to try and grope her in front of us, until the time he was trying to get his hand up her skirt in full view of everyone and I snapped, 'stop pawing the poor woman!' His behaviour towards her in public was excruciating to watch - your DP sounds a lot like him.

I would imagine he's definitely shown his mates the pictures of you. He doesn't sound like he has any respect for you whatsoever.

NameChange30 · 09/03/2017 20:09

Hold your horses, you don't know for sure that he's shown them - we're just saying it's a possibility, and you should do your best to delete them, just in case.

If he has shared anything online and you find it, you can report it and get it deleted.
revengepornhelpline.org.uk

Original poster
user1486897010 · 09/03/2017 20:15

PidgeyfinderGeneral - That does sound a lot like him :(

He is out at the pub at the moment. I really hope he doesnt come back here with his mates.

Ok sorry your right. He might not have shown them. I hope not! But just imagining that they have seen me naked and doing that stuff is horrible. Should i ask him to delete them? or if he has shown them?

I cant delete them cos there on his phone and i don't know his code :(

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 09/03/2017 20:18

Could you make up a reason to borrow his phone so he would tell you the code or unlock it for you? eg your phone has run out of battery or you've run out of minutes/credit so you'd like to borrow his?

I worry that if you ask him to delete them he'll just refuse (or say yes but not do it) and then it'll be harder to get hold of his phone to delete them yourself.

Whocansay · 09/03/2017 20:18

If they are on the internet, there's not much you can do. Would anyone actually recognise you from them? I really hope he's not that much of a scumbag.

If you have a pc, try and search the history and see what sites he's been using.

Get his phone off him and delete anything you can find. See if he's sent anything via Whatsapp, etc. At least you'll know.

Please don't let him do anything else to you. Find the strength to leave. He's an utter pig.

NameChange30 · 09/03/2017 20:19

"If they are on the internet, there's not much you can do."

There is actually. You can report to police and get them taken down.

HerOtherHalf · 09/03/2017 20:21

What do i do if he's put them on the internet?? how do i get rid of them

Realistically you can't, unfortunately. I'm really sorry, and I know this is upsetting for you, but you and anyone else who might read this need to understand the risks and realities of letting their BF/SO photo or video them explicitly. There is a very high chance they will share them and once they do they can be shared again and again and again.
Not just shared one-to-one but shared on forums or posted to porn sites. They can then be copied and shared on other sites, replicating like a virus.

Ask yourself this. What do you think your boyfriend's motivation was for persuading you to be photographed or videoed sexually? Do you really think someone who overtly feels up his partner in public is going to keep these images and vids to himself?

Again, I am really sorry if this upsets you but you need to see him and your situation for what it really is.

Whocansay · 09/03/2017 20:21

She can get him prosecuted, but if they've been shared, they will have a job tracking them down.

HerOtherHalf · 09/03/2017 20:31

There is actually. You can report to police and get them taken down

If you can find them and if they are on a site in the uk or a country with some reciprocal agreement. That is a very big "if". There are thousands of porn sharing sites and most of them are hosted in legal jurisdictions outside the influence of UK authorities.

Original poster
user1486897010 · 09/03/2017 20:31

ummm well yeah i can try. I don't know if he will though. He never normaly lets me have his phone.

omg. is so bad :( it is really upsetting. i know i dont know if he has actualy shown them yet or put them online but from wat everyone is saying sounds like he probably has at least shown his mates :( :( and theres nothing i can do.

he said he liked videoing so he can see me doing it or naked anytime. i never thought he would share them so i let him do it. it just keep getting worse :(

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 09/03/2017 20:33

Yes fair enough. Just wanted to point out that the OP could try reporting it. I get the impression she is already panicking, so no need to make her feel even worse.

ElspethFlashman · 09/03/2017 20:33

No don't ask him to delete them. He'll only make you feel unreasonable and won't delete them anyway.

Start watching his fingers to try to suss out that code!!!

NameChange30 · 09/03/2017 20:33

Cross post

Hugs to you OP Flowers

Whocansay · 09/03/2017 20:34

OP, we may all be jumping to conclusions about the videos. I really hope so.

He's still an utter bastard though.

ElspethFlashman · 09/03/2017 20:35

And he may never let you have the phone but I'm sure he falls asleep after a heavy session on the beer often enough. If you had sussed out the code you could do it then.

Unless he sleeps with it under his pillow!

NettleTea · 09/03/2017 20:37

why wont he let you have his phone?

CuriousMary · 09/03/2017 20:38

Sorry to sound so blunt but you partner seems to be an absolute PIG. He isn't a MAN at all. He seems very nasty to you and you are definantly being abused. I feel very sorry for you and I hope you get out of this situation soon.
Maybe you should start by sticking up for yourself more. If he wants you to chance your clothes, say no and do not go baby on your word. Easier said than done but once you start sticking up for yourself then he may start backing off.
You do sound very naive and I hope this thread gives you some support to start thinking about your future and what kind of life you want for you and your daughter.

gaaahhhh · 09/03/2017 20:55

Can he 'lose' his phone while he sleeps? You could turn it off and chuck it in the garden, and then when hes out, destroy it. Unless he as dropbox? I think destroying the phone would be the best idea.
You need to get out of there asap though. I would leave tomorrow with your daughter while he is at work. Take important documents, birth certificates, red book, your passports etc, all bank cards.

There was a thread back in Feb where a woman who was in an abusive relationship (abusive in a different way) who managed to leave and she didn't tell her OH she was going, and she was successful. Please don't tell him you are leaving, just go. He sounds like he will emotionally blackmail you into staying.

Where are your parents?

AstrantiaMallow · 09/03/2017 21:15

OP -

Your thread brings back really bad memories for me, but please don't let the videos or whether or not to delete derail you at this moment. He's disgusting and god knows what he says to his mates.

The more you say the more I think you should leave him, and soon.

Can you tell someone in RL what is happening? Do you have a GP or a HV for your DD? Or a friend? I really think you need to reach out to someone. I found once I had told one person it became less difficult.

I'm also not sure it's that safe for you to challenge him. I know posters are saying you should, but you sound frightened of him, and that's probably for a reason.

But really, get away from him.

SarcasmMode · 09/03/2017 21:18

Yes definitely see if you can convince him or if he has Touch ID put his finger on it whilst he's crashed out drunk.

My ex showed several people us having sex and I was only 17. I didn't report it at the time as felt angry and ashamed, plus none who saw it would back me up.

I have no idea if he put it online- he threatened to. It's horrible to be objectified like that.

Please let yourself be worth more than thatSad

SarcasmMode · 09/03/2017 21:22

😠 Astra so sorry to hear this brings back negative memories.

If I was your friend/sister, I'd put him in his place OP.

Twingler · 09/03/2017 21:24

Hey OP, I didn't mean to panic you about the photos and videos. He just sounds like the kind of person that would request that and having heard the way he discusses you in front of his friends, it seemed something to consider. You don't know for definite that he has shown anybody, do you? Has that thought ever occurred to you before at all or have you had any suspicions? Do you think they would go along with watching it if he did show them?

You're not stupid at all. What's stupid about trusting the one person you're supposed to be able to trust? I trust my husband. I'm not stupid for doing that, I should be able to trust him. You can't go through life not trusting people in case they turn out to be dickheads. If my husband betrayed my trust, that's a reflection on him - not me. I'm sure i would also feel stupid for having trusted him in that situation, but that would be wrong too. You are doing what you should be able to do in your relationship and he is the idiot. I've known a few women who've been cheated on or treated like shit by their partners, and they always feel stupid and think that other people must be laughing at them. It's not true. I've only ever felt angry that their partners were so pathetic and sad that they have to experience that.

Why aren't you allowed his phone? I hope you're doing ok. Have you spoken at all to friends or family in real life? It would be a good idea. And don't hold back either, really tell them what's been going on.

Original poster
user1486897010 · 09/03/2017 21:44

I dont really knew why i never worried about that before. I just didnt think we would break up so never thought it would be a problem.

but omg it is just really worrying :( :( that is the worst thing i think.
Just last week he did a video of me giving him a blowjob and then he made that bj joke recently in front of his friends. i dont know that he has shown them but i think if he did then they would watch it. They have commented on my breasts before or if he honks them in front of them. Also just when i next see his mates will just be thinking if they have seen the videos or not.

Ok thank you. your right. i shuld of been able to trust him and is his fault not mine. I still feel like i shuld of not let him do so many videos or pictures though.

I havent spoken to family. I have a friend that i can tell who is nearby but i dontreally know anyone else around here because we moved.

i couldn't just destroy his phone! I will try and get his passcode though so i can maybe go onto it when he is asleep

OP posts: