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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP accused of abuse

145 replies

Whatnow2017 · 02/03/2017 11:50

My DH was accused of abusing his sister when they were both kids, we found this out from his mum and she 100% believes her.

His mum is volatile and has genuine memory issues- the type you should chat with a dr, not the I can't remember where my keys are.

We're not close to his family as they never liked me at all so I'm not inclined to believe anything they say.

But what the hell now?! We have a kid together and there's no real issues to speak of, but what am I supposed to think and do?

I'm an anxious mess right now so I apologise if the message is a bit muddled, so is my head at this point.

Before anyone asks, DH never showed any inappropriate behaviour so I find it very hard to believe any of this.

OP posts:
Underthemoonlight · 02/03/2017 11:52

Abusing in what way sexual or physical? It's not something people tend to lie about especially when the abuser is family.

Original poster
Whatnow2017 · 02/03/2017 11:53

Sexual

OP posts:
PotteringAlong · 02/03/2017 11:55

Abused how? Sexually?

You need to decide what to do next. They go to the police, police will go to social services and you need to prove you've done everything needed to keep your children safe. Just saying "he didn't do it" will probably not cut the mustard. Them not liking you doesn't mean he didn't do it.

If they're just throwing allegations around without any credence then that's another issue.

Underthemoonlight · 02/03/2017 11:56

Well it's abig thing incest so I can fathom why someone who lie about their brother sexually abusing them TBH. It mus rid taken a lot of courage to say what happened. Abusers don't always show inappropriate behaviours to there spouses they tend to do abuse others in secret. How old where they when the abuse took place?

PotteringAlong · 02/03/2017 11:56

Cross posts. I'd call social services for advice. Being proactive is going to help you here.

frauleinsallybowles · 02/03/2017 11:56

what do you mean by "no real issues to speak of"

Carollocking · 02/03/2017 11:56

id take her words seriously

Carollocking · 02/03/2017 11:58

People may be confused some and aging etc but normally anything like this is the truth.as they don't make things up it's just muddled up.

Underthemoonlight · 02/03/2017 11:58

I would take the accusation very seriously if they are children he might have tendies towards younger children and you have a child you need to protect. He might be innocent but I wouldn't take the chance.

FannyWisdom · 02/03/2017 11:59

What a shock.

Agree about being proactive and either contacting SS or NSPCC for advice.

If the roles were reversed you would want DH priority to be DC so don't hesitate.

Carollocking · 02/03/2017 11:59

So I'd take it very seriously

Original poster
Whatnow2017 · 02/03/2017 12:00

By no issues, I just mean it's a normal, healthy relationship.

At this point, they've said they don't want to go to the police, apparently to protect our child. How that works, I'm not sure.

Thing is, my DH babysat his nieces alone with her blessing for years so I find that hard to understand.

OP posts:
Carollocking · 02/03/2017 12:01

And as sick as this may sound your child may not be the right age yet for him to be interested as yet but once that age comes

Carollocking · 02/03/2017 12:02

Then they should be going to police if it's true

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 02/03/2017 12:03

Sounds questionable if she was happy he was around her dc....

Carollocking · 02/03/2017 12:03

And if it's true how can not going to the police be protecting your child what warped mind dreamt that one up

Underthemoonlight · 02/03/2017 12:03

A lot of people don't contact the pol DC because abuse doesn't mean it's not true. Especially when they abuser is family.

Carollocking · 02/03/2017 12:05

The ostrich scenario stick there head in the sand and hope it goes away sounds like

Carollocking · 02/03/2017 12:07

Are you able talk with the sister at all ?

CatThiefKeith · 02/03/2017 12:08

A close friend of mine was repeatedly raped by her slightly older brother for three years, from 12-15. Apparently he was practising for when he got a girlfriend. My friend only went to police after her niece told her he'd abused her too, just after her twelfth birthday.

OP you must protect your children first, whether you believe the claims are true or not.

JeffJarrett · 02/03/2017 12:11

What does your DH say about it? You haven't mentioned it at all. Have you spoken to him about it?

brasty · 02/03/2017 12:12

I would assume she let him babysit as either the DNs were not the right age, or she was sticking her head in the sand.
So sorry OP, this is an awful thing to find out about your DP. But you must protect your child.

Original poster
Whatnow2017 · 02/03/2017 12:12

We were never close and are quite different people anyway. To top it off, his family really doesn't like me or any of their kids partner's so I'm very much the outsider in all of this.

OP posts:
Rubies12345 · 02/03/2017 12:13

Is the sister saying this or just the mother?

Why don't you ask the sister if this really happened and if it did why did she leave him alone with the nieces?

Original poster
Whatnow2017 · 02/03/2017 12:16

DH said nothing ever happened and was wondering if he should text her to try and discuss it, but I'm not sure it's a good idea really.

Nieces would have been the right age btw and we were asked quite recently if we'd have them.

So, so confused by all of this...

OP posts: