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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP accused of abuse

145 replies

Whatnow2017 · 02/03/2017 11:50

My DH was accused of abusing his sister when they were both kids, we found this out from his mum and she 100% believes her.

His mum is volatile and has genuine memory issues- the type you should chat with a dr, not the I can't remember where my keys are.

We're not close to his family as they never liked me at all so I'm not inclined to believe anything they say.

But what the hell now?! We have a kid together and there's no real issues to speak of, but what am I supposed to think and do?

I'm an anxious mess right now so I apologise if the message is a bit muddled, so is my head at this point.

Before anyone asks, DH never showed any inappropriate behaviour so I find it very hard to believe any of this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatnow2017 · 02/03/2017 13:09

Probably going to talk to the NSPCC and see what they say. Small age difference, couple of years.

OP posts:
SewMeARiver · 02/03/2017 13:09

You are very wrong to assume that she would not leave her children with her brother. I was sexually abused from the age of 11-18 by my stepfather. During that time and decades afterwards, I acted completely normally around my SF. When you are being sexually abused, the abuser sexually assaults you just before you are about to do something normal, like go downstsirs to join family for dinner for e.g. or even in the room, covertly while family is there. You learn quickly how to totally compartmentalise your life. You have to, or the shameful secret will come out. So you learn to smile and act completely disaffected, so everyone else can continue, even though you have just been molested or raped. THAT is the reality of LIVING full-time with a sexual predator.

Once years of doing this have passed, you have compartmentalised so well, you still do shit like have your abuser give you away on your wedding day, or invite him round for dinner. It is a function of survival mode. Only when 'the crash' comes, ie, the moment it catches up with you (often years later) do you start trying to put an end to the horror of it. And I know people who have even got that far, but have suffered stockholm syndrome and 'love' their abuser sexually or otherwise, and find it hard to draw up boundaries.

It is entirely possible your SIL actually still loved her brother as her brother despite what he did.

People who don't work with, or have experience of CSA, have no idea of the complexities in terms of impact on behaviour, mental trauma and family dynamics. The counselling is often very inadequate.

So please stop trying to analyse your SIL's behaviour in a bid to see if her story is true. You are not trained to understand CSA. Please at least do some research before assuming she must be lying. I'm not saying she's not (people do, rarely) simply that that analysis is best left to experts i.e, trained social workers, or police specially trained in sex offences.

lizzyj4 · 02/03/2017 13:19

SewMeaRiver - I think there's a huge difference between the sort of situation you describe and what we're talking about here, which if it happened was between two tweens who are a couple of years apart. They were both fairly young children - the term 'sexual predator', not applicable here.

Klaptout · 02/03/2017 13:19

What's the age difference between them?
How old are her DDs now?
It's not uncommon for people who've been sexually abused when young to have no memory until something triggers flashbacks and vague memories, having a child reach the age you were when you were abused can trigger memories.
If SIL has been keeping her distance for a while it might be that she been having counselling and trying to process and work things out.

Do you know if SIL has only recently spoken to her Mum about it?
If MIL is saying that she herself has known since it happened, why would she be ok with him babysitting his nieces? Where is FIL in all this?
I know there are women who standby their partners that have abused their own children, they don't get the police involved, then fail to protect any grandchildren.
I'd be getting more information here, then if I were your DH I'd be talking to SS safeguarding and police.

SewMeARiver · 02/03/2017 13:21

Two teenagers? How old were they?. Sorry I don't see a huge difference if one was doing something sexually to the other that wasn't wanted.

gingercoffee · 02/03/2017 13:22

SewMeARiver, I'm so sorry that you went through this hell. I'm completely gobsmacked reading your post.

OP, it sounds like a sensible thing to talk it through with the NSPCC. How horrible for you, not knowing what to believe about your partner.

Original poster
Whatnow2017 · 02/03/2017 13:22

I'm just trying to make sense of it all really, not keen on pointing fingers.

OP posts:
Underthemoonlight · 02/03/2017 13:23

Wannabe I knew a lady I worked with who was abused by her father she kept it a secret because of the fact that her own fresh and blood someone who suppose to be her protector could do such a thing, it had transpared later that he had done the same to her daughters. Sewmeriver is right such behaviours can be explained because the abuse can start at an early age that it becomes almost normalised due to lack of understanding at the time but also fear of losing their family. Often something triggers these memories and the victim is faced with what happened.

Original poster
Whatnow2017 · 02/03/2017 13:24

MIL was told by SIL recently.

OP posts:
HashiAsLarry · 02/03/2017 13:25

sew Flowers

what this is going to be highly confusing for you. I think trying the NSPCC may be a good place to start for advice.

airforsharon · 02/03/2017 13:27

I completely agree with Sewme's post, I was sexually assaulted by my stepfather at 11 and the fear of what would happen to my Mum, grandparents etc - how upset they would be if they found out etc - the fear of triggering an almighty tsunami of upset/anger/upheaval within the family kept me silent.

My 'crash' came about 20 years later, when I had a complete mental breakdown (I still have bouts of depression and have an eating disorder) and it's only very recently - now my oldest DD is almost the age I was when I was abused - that I've started to think about it again. He had a birth daughter the same age as me, who I think he also abused.

Luckily for me he's no longer part of my family but as Sewme said in her post the complexities in terms of impact on behaviour, mental trauma and family dynamics cannot be underestimated, so please never assume that if someone's behaviour does not 'make sense' to you, it doesn't make sense to them.

Rubies12345 · 02/03/2017 13:28

sew they weren't teenagers, tween means pre-teen

airforsharon · 02/03/2017 13:32

lizzyj4 apologies if I've missed a post from the OP, but I don't think she's said what form the abuse took/how long it went on for. It might have happened only once, but his sister might have not known if it would happen again - living with the fear of that hanging over you is awful.

Bluntness100 · 02/03/2017 13:32

The fact the mother believes it is the major concern here. Her memory issues are irrelevant, they won't impact the long term memories, so the fact she believes this is concerning. In addition you would expect to see no inappropriate behaviour from him, that's how it works. You'd also expect him to deny it, that's also how it works. No one admits incest readily.

Personally I'd speak to the sister. This is a major big deal and unless you speak to her personally I don't think uou can make a judgement in your own mind. And it will have to be a judgement as the likely hood of him ever admitting it is probably non existant if it is true.

Can I ask how he reacted to the news?

Squeezed · 02/03/2017 13:35

I'm sorry that you are in this situation it really does sound awful. I really think you need to speak to NSPCC, SS or police 101. The reality is that you have now received this information, albeit not directly and not from a reliable source if from MIL, that could mean that your DH poses a risk to your children. You need more details. The reality is that if the authorities deem it that you had this information and did nothing, they could consider that you are failing to protect them. Worst case scenario is that DH does pose a risk and you need to do something about that.

Original poster
Whatnow2017 · 02/03/2017 13:38

DH was and is shell shocked and angry he's been deemed guilty by them without even getting a chance to defend himself.

OP posts:
brasty · 02/03/2017 13:38

OP I know this is really hard. But you need to put your children first. They are the most important in all of this.

Writerwannabe83 · 02/03/2017 13:39

I think you need to find out more. How old were they wh n it happened? What actually happened? How long did it go on for?

I'm in agreement with others though they people rarely lie about something like this - why on earth would anyone say something so potentially damaging to family relationships if it wasn't true?

It's very difficult OP, I can't imagine how I would feel or what I would do if an accusation came out like that about my DH.

You have my sympathies and I hope you manage to get to the bottom of it somehow Flowers

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 02/03/2017 13:41

A friend of mine was raped by two of his brothers when he was a child. He is only now, in his 50s, coming to terms with it. In his fifties! So your SIL is by no means unusual.

I'm confused as to why your DH baby sits for his nieces when it appears that you are blocked by her on FB, OP. Why is he in contact with her while you are not?

I agree with all the PP who say you need to talk to your SIL, and face to face. You need to assess - for yourself - whether you believe her story. Only then can you decide what to do next.

Original poster
Whatnow2017 · 02/03/2017 13:44

Well, we weren't told any details and told not to ever talk to them so not sure what we can do really.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 02/03/2017 13:47

Not to ever talk to them? So basically she's blocked you both and now never wants any contact? I'd still text her and ask her to meet you for a coffee as on a personal level you need to understand this, which you do. For many of us, continuing to be with a man who sexually abused his own sister would be untenable, so you I think have a right to ask her and talk to her to enable you to decide.

Blastandtroph · 02/03/2017 13:48

Could the abuse have come at the hands of another family member and MIL is exhibiting 'transference' of blame....? I think you/DH need some professional advice and get it escalated.

PaterPower · 02/03/2017 13:48

"analysis is best left to experts i.e, trained social workers, or police specially trained in sex offences."

These are the same group of "experts" that include members proven to fabricate evidence and lie to Judges ...members that let children like Victoria C die horrifically on their watch ...members that have been guilty of mass abuse themselves at children's homes ...members who've knowingly pimped out teenage girls and boys and others who've turned a blind eye to it ...members who fervently (still) believe in Satanic abuse, to the extent they ripped families apart regardless of evidence (or complete lack thereof)?

I place those sorts of "experts" somewhere just beneath Magistrates as people I'd trust. I wouldn't rely on their "expertise" to refill a fucking kettle, let alone get involved with your family.

Poorlybabysickday · 02/03/2017 13:52

This isn't a social worker bashing thread Pater, the OP is here for support

Kikikaakaa · 02/03/2017 14:02

This may be a red herring in some ways with the childcare issue.

I was left as a child with a prolific and known abuser for approx 15 years until I found out about their past myself and then was able to make the decision myself to not see them. As were most if not all of my fellow child relatives allowed to spend time with and be left with this person. By all the adults involved, who had the full story. And I never had a fucking clue until like I say, I was a teenager he took a risk and did it again to a child and no one could ignore it anymore

The response given by all adults since then is 'they believed it was in the past' 'they were careful and watchful' but clearly, not really enough

No one went to the police and no one talked about it.

But I would say, you need to hear this from the sister herself. Look her in the face if you can, and I think if there is pain then you will just know. You might not get this chance because she might never face you again.

This is such a complex issue, I think overall you have to involve the relevant authorities because secrets under a carpet or blissful ignorance are always the dangerous path to take

I'm sorry.

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