DP accused of abuse

[Whatnow2017]

My DH was accused of abusing his sister when they were both kids, we found this out from his mum and she 100% believes her.

His mum is volatile and has genuine memory issues- the type you should chat with a dr, not the I can't remember where my keys are.

We're not close to his family as they never liked me at all so I'm not inclined to believe anything they say.

But what the hell now?! We have a kid together and there's no real issues to speak of, but what am I supposed to think and do?

I'm an anxious mess right now so I apologise if the message is a bit muddled, so is my head at this point.

Before anyone asks, DH never showed any inappropriate behaviour so I find it very hard to believe any of this.

Sorry i can't remember exactly who asked, but we're now both blocked, the babysitting request came before this.

If you've not experienced sexual abuse as a child I think it could be easy to say well if that happened to me I'd tell someone, I'd scream and shout, I'd talk to police/teacher/ other family member.
The reality is very different, there's a lot of gaslighting involved with all types of abuse.
There often is no one there to protect you, abusers work really hard at making sure they can continue to control and abuse you, they will be nice to you in front of others, buy you nice things, take you on trips out, people will say how lovely he is, but they will still be abusing you. Your body, your mind, it scars everything.

MH is often held up as a reason why people (mostly women) should be discredited.
IME it's the abuse that leads to the MH issues.
Self doubt and self blame are commonplace, that can't be right, why didn't I stop it happening etc.
look now at a child that's the same age as you were when it first happened to you, how much power has that young child got to stop someone abusing them?

Klaptout That's why I wasn't sure I sure I should mention her MH issues, it's a chicken and egg situation, isn't it.

It's not a social worker bashing thread, I quite agree. But Pater has got a point. My experience of SS means I wouldn't trust a social worker with anything. Ime the police are both more helpful and more truthful.

SIL may have reported the historical abuse and be advised to have no contact till investigation is carried out, hence you are now cut off

The number of misandrists on here compared with those offering sensible pragmatic advice is astounding.

A DH who’s behaviour has never raised any suspicions in the OP (as far as we’re being told) to support these accusations is already guilty in a lot of people’s minds. Whilst the apparent victim, whose story has questionable/conflicting holes, is met with strong support.

What’s that, he’s a good father and all round nice guy? Hmmm…must be hiding his devious behaviour.
What’s that, she displays questionable judgment and contradictory behaviour? No wonder after all she has suffered at the hands of that evil bastard!!
If the roles were reversed and he was slightly unhinged and she was the perfect SIL she would still be believed so the DH has no chance in front of this group of witch hunters (witch hunters….oh the irony!).

Sewmeariver you need to practice what you preach being so quick to discount DH innocence and having already labelled him an abuser (despite what he did). As a self-proclaimed victim of abuse you’re probably less qualified to offer advice, due to your emotional connectivity to this story which is probably and understandably biased.

It’s important to remember that false accusations can and have destroyed and devastated innocent lives. But accusations shouldn’t be ignored and perpetrators of abuse should face justice.

OP I agree with the sensible minority on here that you need to be pro-active in addressing these allegations head on and encourage your DH to do the same.

Yes do definitely call the NSPCC. You don't want there to ever be a situation in the future where you can be portrayed as not taking immediate action to protect your children. Take control, go to the NSPCC, go to the police and get it dealt with now. Do not attempt to drag details out of your ILs, let the police do that.

Yes MH is too often used to discredit people, no one should listen to them as they have MH issues, abusers often have exs who won't let them see their kids, that's always down to their MH too.
I wouldn't attempt to speak to SIL, I don't think your DH should either.
Because if either of you attempt to make contact that could be made to look like you're intimidating her.
If all you've been told is what MIL has said, then I'd be telling your DH to seek advice, Ss and police. because he needs to ensure that these allegations are looked at and aren't swept under the carpet as they could do serious damage to all of you.
Is FIL around?

FIL not around. This is such a mess...

gosh Cockadoodledude , misandrists ? witch hunters? that is soooo uncalled for !

please OP as hard and shocking as it is, do listen and act now as if it is true !
it is too serious an issue not to.

Listen to KIKIKAKA and poster Klaptout

You ought to be driving round to see her ASAP you can't sit on this information they could contact the police st any time and if you have DC that is going to trigger SS

They don't want anything to do with us, they didn't before so going round to talk to them is not really an option. And I'd be putting both myself and my child at risk if I go there alone.

I think I'll talk to the NSPCC and a lawyer and then what? Play the waiting game?

I wouldn't ring social services etc before you know from both sides the facts. Is your DH denying that anything at all happened? Could this be a case of children experimenting together as this is pretty common for kids, or are you sure they mean abuse?

As children me and my cousin's would often pretend to do things, we never actually touched intimately or got physical, more so mimicking actions. Obviously my parents put a stop to it and words were had. But it is pretty common for kids.

Abuse is a different ball game though, it would mean he did things against her will sexually etc. Have they elaborated at all as to what was supposed to of happened? I personally would visit the SIL. I wouldn't be angry or demanding, but I would try to get to the bottom of it. It could be they are lying, it could be a big mix up and more kids experimenting or it could be serious and you can't really ignore the possibility as abusers are often good liars, due to not giving a damn.

I'll leave this thread for a while as I genuinely need some time to just think. And I'm going insane not knowing how things are going to develop so need to just stop and make a plan.

I'll probably keep reading everyone's replies for the time being.

It is such a serious accusation that you (and your H) HAVE to take it seriously, esp as you have children yourself.
Talk to H.
You could try contacting the sister yourself but I think that is unwise - if it is true she will assume you are on H's 'side'. If not it can only inflame the situation so imo you woud be better getting advice.
I'd not call SS as a first port of call. You could try NSPCC first.

OP you really are stuck between a rock and a hard place but as you are well aware something needs to be done.

Kids are the priority and you clearly have that at the forefront of your mind. You are doing the right thing to think this through carefully. Getting professional advice sounds the best move forward. Would it be best to do that without your DH being aware or ensuring you have a private chat with said services without him around?

Sorry you are having to go through this.

sorry, OP, x post.

Yes, take a breath. Call NSPCC. Call a lawyer.
Don't contact SIL or MIL. Talk to your H again too - how is he feeling?

noblame so it's acceptable for a poster to jump to the automatic conclusion that a DH is a paedo based on zero evidence, but if I accuse that poster of being sexist then I'm bang out of order? What happened to innocent until proven guilty? Are sexists below paedos on your moral ladder?

But reiterate your advice that OP shouldn't linger and needs to act NOW.

DH is doing as well as can be expected, hurt and upset and really confused. He keeps asking me what to do and how we can go about it.

It's also painful for him he became a parriah without any chance to defend himself.

I thought I was the one with the dysfunctional family.

I thinkyou might ask your husband does he have any idea whether they used to play games. when i was 5 a girl of 8 used to play doctors and nurses with me. sexual abuse?? normal childhood games? there were some intimate bits she introduced to the game. your sil could be remembering something like that?? i havent read the whole thread but will try to do so later.

Nobody in his bloody family remembers anything about their childhoods- no details anyway.

But as much as he remembers, no, nothing like that ever happened.

Even if the situation had been reversed and she'd been the older child, he'd still would be considered the abuser by his family.

That's a kind of weird way to phrase it op, no one remembers their childhoods and as much as he can remember. You'd remember sexually abusing your own sister.

I would not report this, because it could result in an investigation that would ruin all your lives, and you have children to think of. I would have a confidential chat with someone like the nspcc if there is no way to get a message to your sister in law. Personally I'd ask my mother in law to ask her to speak to me, and that it's so I could make up my own mind as you couldn't be with him if it was true.

cockadooddle I will grant you that I did add 'despite what he did' but I meant it as a way of explaining why the SIL's previous behaviour may have appeared contradictory and given no sign of being uncomfortable with her Brother being around her children bearing in mind her viewpoint position.

I did add that the SIL could be lying, albeit the possibility being small.

I see no misandry on this thread. This is not a debate about the propensity of women vs men to abuse children, and the accused here is male, so your accusation is unjustified.

Re: my emotional bias. You clearly have bias of your own. The o.p. had trouble understanding why her SIL would continue to allow her children to be looked after if what she was saying was true. I sought to provide some insight into how such seemingly contradictory behaviour can occur. I stated that it was a complex issue for the OP to get her head around, and should therefore be looked into by CSA trained social services or the police, who contrary to what some have said, are not all incompetent, despite some high profile failures.

Perhaps I am biased in the one sense that my experience means that very little surprises me in cases of CSA. My SF for example was considered a generous, funny, warm, man who 'liked the ladies'. No, he liked kids. He raised money for the community hall and drove a community bus for the elderly. He was great with my friends who he never attempted to molest bar one, who cut me off and moved away to live with her older sister, to get away.

I perceive sexual abuse to be such a secretive crime, as secretive as say, a fetish for extreme porn (I am not trying to equate the two, merely point out the futility of being able to tell who could be a SA) How can you tell from the outside what a person thinks?

The best thing the OP can do is speak to her sister-in-law, but barring that she is in a very difficult position. I would not blame her for not wanting to rock the boat, especially as no official charges have been brought.

OP I apologise if my post was unhelpful. Sorry this situation has turned your life upside down.

Probably the wrong way to put it and yeah, obviously he'd remember something as traumatic as that.

It's just nobody in his family seem to have distinct memories from their childhood. They remember 1-2 things but that's about it. They thought I was the strange one when I explained I remember a lot more.