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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP accused of abuse

145 replies

Whatnow2017 · 02/03/2017 11:50

My DH was accused of abusing his sister when they were both kids, we found this out from his mum and she 100% believes her.

His mum is volatile and has genuine memory issues- the type you should chat with a dr, not the I can't remember where my keys are.

We're not close to his family as they never liked me at all so I'm not inclined to believe anything they say.

But what the hell now?! We have a kid together and there's no real issues to speak of, but what am I supposed to think and do?

I'm an anxious mess right now so I apologise if the message is a bit muddled, so is my head at this point.

Before anyone asks, DH never showed any inappropriate behaviour so I find it very hard to believe any of this.

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 02/03/2017 12:17

Very serious accusation. In your shoes I would be speaking to the sister directly.

You cannot put this secret in a box and hope it will go away.

You need to ask her why she allowed him to babysit her children

DJBaggySmalls · 02/03/2017 12:18

If I've understood your post, your MIL who may have dementia has accused her son of abusing his sister.
But the daughter is happy for your DH to babysit and hasnt said anything.

I think you need to talk to the sister. Dont contact the NSPCC or SS yet.

brasty · 02/03/2017 12:18

Maybe ring the NSPCC? You can do so anonymously. They can give you professional advice.

PotteringAlong · 02/03/2017 12:19

If you are certain he didn't do it then why are you not going to the police yourself? Report them for harassment?

BettyBaggins · 02/03/2017 12:20

Talk to the sister.

notanurse2017 · 02/03/2017 12:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HashiAsLarry · 02/03/2017 12:22

I think you need to ask SIL what's going on here before you do anything else.

Rubies12345 · 02/03/2017 12:23

We don't know the sister has said anything, it may all be in the MIL head could be something in a soap

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 02/03/2017 12:24

If DH's sister isn't going to go to the Police or SS and was happy to leave her own DDs with DH on many occasions, how have these allegations come about now?

Has she called to tell you as a warning because you have a child now? Or is this being used as a reason for not including DH in something else?

It's not at all unusual for victims to not feel able to speak about abuse until much later in life and this may be what is happening now. I am surprised that she allowed DH to babysit unaccompanied though. I am also surprised that she thinks that not going to the Police would protect your child. You do not protect a child by allowing them to continue living with a paedophile Confused.

Original poster
Whatnow2017 · 02/03/2017 12:25

I think the dr assumed early onset Parkinson's or similar, but MIL refused all further treatment and investigations.

SIL has blocked us on Facebook so it's not MIL inventing accusations.

OP posts:
chitofftheshovel · 02/03/2017 12:29

What does your husband say about the allegation?

The fact that DH was allowed to look after his nieces means nothing, it can take years for abuse suffered as a child/adolescence to become meaningful as abuse to the victim.

This is a horrid thing for you to go through, and I appreciate it's turned your world upside down.

That they are not going to the police to protect your DC makes no sense to me. I personally would ring 101 and ask their advice. It will be very difficult to prove either way and women do make false allegations but I would be wary.

Do you know what age your SIL says she was abused from and what age is your DC?

FrenchLavender · 02/03/2017 12:29

I think it's really important to ascertain how old he and his sister both were at the time she alleges he last abused her.

Carollocking · 02/03/2017 12:30

I truly would take seriously as its coming from his sister even if it's been reiterated by your mil and I can't see why she'd say this if no truth in it at all

brasty · 02/03/2017 12:30

Just because SIL is not behaving in a way that you think logically she might, does not make the accusations untrue.
I would believe SIL.

hutchblue · 02/03/2017 12:32

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

brasty · 02/03/2017 12:35

Would you want to talk to the partner of your brother who had sexually abused you? Especially if she does not really believe you and questioning what you are saying?

incredibule · 02/03/2017 12:36

You may find out there is some truth in the accusations, but IME they could also be fabricated, for any number of reasons. Get anonymous advice from a specialist service IRL before you approach the authorities, if that is what you decide to do.

WannaBe · 02/03/2017 12:36

I wouldn't just be assuming that it's true any more than I would be assuming that it was made up.

Having said that, unwillingness to go to the police plus willingness to allow the alleged abuser to babysit the alleged victim's children would make me inclined to think that it was malicious rather than reality.

I wouldn't be speaking to the sister either, I would speak directly to the police and SS and seek some advice given their input has not been sought by the accuser. And I would be asking the police to go round and speak to the sister as obviously there are now children in the mix who should be protected if it's true.

Once you make these sort of allegations you lose the right to decide who should and shouldn't be involved, IMO. The sister will be forced to make a statement one way or the other then. Either she'll say it happened in which case things can proceed along a normal legal route. But you don't just get to make those kinds of allegations without basis. If they happened then she has a duty to take it further now she's spoken out. Or she'll admit she was lying.

How have these allegations come out anyway?

Londonsburningahhhh · 02/03/2017 12:37

Brasty if you were sexually abused by your brother would you leave your dc with your brother?

Op if I was you I would report it to ss and let them investigate. They will use specialists to question the children and they will dig for the truth. A person is innocent until proven guilty to say I believe her has no substance with out facts and prove.

brasty · 02/03/2017 12:37

Most women who are raped or sexually abused do not go to the police. That is not unusual.

brasty · 02/03/2017 12:38

If I was sexually abused by my brother, I don't know how I would react as an adult. I know people do not always behave logically.

Kiroro · 02/03/2017 12:41

Having said that, unwillingness to go to the police plus willingness to allow the alleged abuser to babysit the alleged victim's children would make me inclined to think that it was malicious rather than reality.

That is my view too...

Londonsburningahhhh · 02/03/2017 12:42

My father was sexually abused by his father I never met him. He would never introduce me to someone that evil and perverse. I was abused by people growing I am as a result over protective of my children.

Original poster
Whatnow2017 · 02/03/2017 12:43

The allegations are very out of the blue, I was the black sheep until this!

I wasn't sure if it's a good idea to contact her when DH suggested it as what the hell do you say really.

I left this out deliberately as I wanted to know people's opinions, but SIL is struggling with some MH issues so that further complicates things I guess. I just didn't want to make that the focus of the discussion.

OP posts:
KindDogsTail · 02/03/2017 12:44

If she was his sister, how old was he at the time and how old was she?

Was he a child at the time, 'experimenting' or taking advantage of a younger sister? That happens a lot in my opinion but parents don't realise it. It happens with sons' friends too who come to play. Children need to be protected from these 'games', and all abuse from other siblings and their friends.

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