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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP accused of abuse

145 replies

Whatnow2017 · 02/03/2017 11:50

My DH was accused of abusing his sister when they were both kids, we found this out from his mum and she 100% believes her.

His mum is volatile and has genuine memory issues- the type you should chat with a dr, not the I can't remember where my keys are.

We're not close to his family as they never liked me at all so I'm not inclined to believe anything they say.

But what the hell now?! We have a kid together and there's no real issues to speak of, but what am I supposed to think and do?

I'm an anxious mess right now so I apologise if the message is a bit muddled, so is my head at this point.

Before anyone asks, DH never showed any inappropriate behaviour so I find it very hard to believe any of this.

OP posts:
Londonsburningahhhh · 02/03/2017 12:46

Report her to SS let them decide what to do.

Original poster
Whatnow2017 · 02/03/2017 12:46

DH was her advocate when she fell out with her family, I know this from other people mostly.

I'm just baffled as to why the fuck lie about this, I can't see what she has to gain.

OP posts:
NapQueen · 02/03/2017 12:47

I would be being proactive about this if I were your dh. Id want this dealt with now. He can (and should imo), go to the police and say he has had this allegation made against him, it is untrue and he is willing to work with them to investigate and ensure it is put to rest

His reputation and relationship with his child could be in serious jeopardy.

HashiAsLarry · 02/03/2017 12:47

I know people do not always behave logically.
I think that's it in a nutshell. I don't think I could let my DC alone near anyone who did that personally but its perfectly possible she has buried it for so long she convinced herself it was all fine and something has triggered it. Maybe something DH has said or done in his nieces' presence however innocent it may have been or seemed possibly.

Though I'd also suspect the not going to the police to protect your DC is more about SIL not wanting to deal with it, or put the nieces through questioning etc.

At this point though you need to think solely and selfishly of your DC.

mummytime · 02/03/2017 12:48

I think regardless, you need to get some professional advice either SS or NSPCC.

WannaBe · 02/03/2017 12:49

Why did she fall out with her family? Sounds like she's a complicated character all round, volatile relationships with family and now this, and refusing to accept siblings' partners etc, sounds like this is just the latest in a long list of things in her life.

Original poster
Whatnow2017 · 02/03/2017 12:49

They would have been tweens, we weren't told any other details.

OP posts:
WannaBe · 02/03/2017 12:53

No, I don't believe that someone would bury something to the extent they would allow the perpetrator to have a close relationship with their children. It's an instinct to keep your children safe even if you yourself cannot speak out about something.

And the reality is that if she wanted to be taken seriously then A, allowing the alleged abuser to regularly babysit her children, and B, refusing to go to the police on the basis of wanting to protect the children is a good way to ensure that people won't believe you.

I have every sympathy for anyone who feels brave enough to speak out about abuse years down the line. Even someone who talks about it to their partner but doesn't want to go further with it other than to ensure their children are never alone with them. But you don't just get to throw an allegation like that into the middle of a whole family and then sit back and say you want to be supported and believed but don't actually want to do anything about it.

Original poster
Whatnow2017 · 02/03/2017 12:54

Her family didn't like her DP- he's perfectly nice as far as I could see.

His family fall out regularly, kids go and live with their aunties/ friends, there's always someone arguing and feuding. We just stayed out of it until now.

OP posts:
OnionKnight · 02/03/2017 12:55

I'm not saying that I wouldn't believe her but what you have said about her so far would make me wonder if she was being a cunt.

I also wouldn't presume that DP is guilty like so many on here seem to.

I'd be wanting more facts and for her to go to the police before making my mind up.

Jazzywazzydodah · 02/03/2017 12:56

op what a horrid situation for you you all.

I have experience of historical sexual abuse within a family and people's memory and version of events differed greatly with regards to false memories. The victims were assaulted - just the people they accused were different.

The allegation is out there and it's explosive. If I was your dh and innocent I'd be looking to legally cover myself and go to the authorities that could eventually be involved to protect my children. You will always get the 'no smoke with out fire' gang and this needs stopping.

WannaBe · 02/03/2017 12:56

The lot of them sound utterly dysfunctional. I would steer clear of all of them tbh and would wonder whether this was a way to get your DP to take notice of them given he tends not to want to be involved in their dramas.

Jazzywazzydodah · 02/03/2017 12:58

I just want to add - the 'no smoke with out fire' gang were actually the worst thing about the situation I know, one of the accused actually had to sellotape his letter box up due to fire threats - when in fact he was utterly innocent

NaiceBiscuits · 02/03/2017 12:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 02/03/2017 12:58

I wouldn't be suggesting dh contacts her either. .
Seek legal advice. . If she is falsely claiming these things and telling people that's slander surely?

WannaBe · 02/03/2017 12:58

I do agree that I would go to the authorities though and get this on record from his angle.

laureywilliams · 02/03/2017 12:59

Has this all come from the MIL? Who has a question mark over her health at the moment?

Speak to the sister.

Who knows what the MIL has said to her!

GatoradeMeBitch · 02/03/2017 12:59

You say his DM is volatile with memory problems, but what is his sister like? Does she have a history of lying or being a fantasist?

And what was your DHs reaction to the accusation? Confused, fearful, angry?

laureywilliams · 02/03/2017 13:00

We don't actually know the SIL has said this. Its all based on the MIL.

HashiAsLarry · 02/03/2017 13:01

wannabe sadly I know of a case very close to my family where someone allowed their DC to be raised by the people they later claimed sexually abused them (the parent claimed to be abused that is, not the DC). No clue if the allegation was true but the DC is very adamant no sexual abuse happened to the DC themselves and nothing untowards either. The now adult DC maintains a very good relationship with the all parties too, which must be hard as hell. Not something I understand myself I have to say.

pocketsaviour · 02/03/2017 13:02

@Wannabe
"No, I don't believe that someone would bury something to the extent they would allow the perpetrator to have a close relationship with their children. It's an instinct to keep your children safe even if you yourself cannot speak out about something."

Unfortunately I can tell you from experience in working with many abuse survivors that the above isn't true for all survivors.

I have spoken to many, many survivors who have finally got up the courage to say to their mums "Granddad abused me" and it then transpires he also abused their mum, and often aunts and uncles too.

The abuse can become so normalised and entrenched in some families that the victims simply accept it as a part of life and do not protect their own children at all :(

Thankfully that is not the case for most, but it would be wrong to assume that an abuse survivor's first instinct is to protect their child, very sadly.

OP very difficult situation for you. I think PP's suggestions to contact SS or NSPCC is a good idea.

Orlandointhewilderness · 02/03/2017 13:04

You need to put everything else aside and go and speak to his sister. Whatever bad feelings may exist, this is more important.

empirerecordsrocked · 02/03/2017 13:06

I agree you need to speak to the sister.

WannaBe · 02/03/2017 13:07

Nope I don't get it. But equally I don't understand how anyone would maintain a relationship with someone who accused them of sexual abuse. If someone accused me of something I hadn't done I would never speak to them again.

My DP was abused by parents, both physical and otherwise resulting in him being taken into permanent care at the age of seven. His biological mum subsequently moved on and had more children who were not removed. One of those has been in touch with DP but all of them are very much in denial over their mother's actions. The mother can go to hell as far as I'm concerned, but equally the children (who are now adults obviously) will never be allowed anywhere near my family as you cannot IMO sit in denial of four children having been removed, one of whom was so badly abused they now have a permanent disability.

WannaBe · 02/03/2017 13:08

No, neither the OP or the DP should speak to the sister, communication needs to come from the authorities at this stage.