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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

found my partner spying on me

403 replies

user1488448211 · 02/03/2017 09:55

hello. we are getting married this summer and found that my fiance has installed a spy program on his computer to check on me at home. basically, the spy program is video recording. he first denied he installed, i searched with him on his computer and showed him that he searched for it on google, he denied again that he searched. finally, he told me that: aaaa i remember, i forgot, i have installed only to see how works as a home security program. i know he is lying because the camera went live at the moment i arrived at home and this is strange. now, he is the one upset for this and not talking to me. what should i do?

OP posts:

Megatherium · 04/03/2017 22:54

He hasn't chosen to leave you because of your behaviour, he's chosen to leave you because he's been found out and you have made it clear you won't believe his lies. Many congratulations, OP, you're going to be so much better off without this scum in your life.

Lunde · 04/03/2017 23:05

This is not your fault.

He is turning up the guilt-trip, deflection and blame because he has been found out and he realizes that you are not an easy person to manipulate and control - and abusers like this want to be in control.

Given the way he has behaved by lying and deceiving you I would be wary that this may not be fully over yet. You know that he installed spyware on your laptop and lied about it - he may have installed other programmes to spy on you and possibly access your finances. I would engage a security company to look at your laptop and home to check that he does not continue to spy. I hope he is leaving your home and that you are changing all locks.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 04/03/2017 23:23

^^ Thus. FREAKING this.

Congratulations! You did it, and even easier than you thought. Some of these fuckers just hang around for ages.

When is he going, BTW? Because I worry he might only be bluffing. Do take up the ball and run with it: do not let him just drift along in your house. There's no reason he can't have himself and his essentials out by the end of the weekend, and the rest of his stuff, max, two weeks later.

I know you mentioned joint property (things for the house). If you don't want these things, do NOT "buy" them off him. And, as PPs suggested, get quotes for a trustworthy IT and bug sweeping audit and charge him that amount. Ditto changing the locks - there's no point in asking somebody this sneaky to give the keys back - you can't trust that he hasn't just made a copy, so he gets to pay that too. He brought this on himself, and he's fucking LUCKY you didn't call the police. To put it into perspective.

Please don't feel like any "fkaes" on your part are as heinous as what he's done to you. So please don't start from a position of guilt and apologising. Soon you'll be free from this weirdo stalker shit. Stay strong.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 04/03/2017 23:25

he's chosen to leave you because he's been found out and you have made it clear you won't believe his lies.

That's what I was pointing to. But Lunde said it well, too!

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 04/03/2017 23:27

"Flaws" #badphone

tipsytrifle · 04/03/2017 23:46

I too am hoping that his embarrassment at failing to create the control and dominance he has worked assiduously for will drive him out the door very quickly. He may of course be hoping that you'll beg him to stay. Don't do that. You know deep inside that he would destroy you if this relationship was to continue.

None of this is your fault. None of this reflects character flaws or behavioural issues in you. This is all down to him. Now let him go. Don't "lend" him your car. Any lending of anything will become keepies in his mind and/or reasons to talk/meet with you in the next few days or weeks. See if will return any keys he has (including secondary one for the car.)

All else can be sorted when he has made his departure. Change the locks asap as your first job. Do not feel sorry for him or that you owe him anything. His betrayal of your trust has been an immense and destructive force.

Your life is about to begin again. A true Life, not the imprisonment that was being established under his dictat. Your parents have, albeit reluctantly, come to see what a bad man he is too. They have given you permission to cancel everything with him.

Original poster

user1488448211 · 05/03/2017 06:49

What i really dont understand..even before the spycam, he told me he is confused about the wedding due to my behavior, because i am needy and i always want things to happen as i want to..what is wrong by asking him during the day how are u, what are u doing, are u ok, and that i want to spend my time with me..i want to understand if i have the fault in this before his spycam..i am the kind of person who wants to know about his partner, what's he doing, even at work we used to talk via messenger, and when i have a problem i want to talk about it, not to withdraw myself, even if it's a small thing to discuss..i suppose this is not what he wants for him..he always after a fight used to give me silent treatment and told me that he is doing this because he wants to calm down..

OP posts:

Joysmum · 05/03/2017 07:02

He is projecting. It's ok to want to know, not ok to want to control.

He's flipping this on it's head because if he didn't make you out to be the bad guy, that makes HIM the bad guy and that's not a role he's prepared to accept. He's got to justify his actions. In reality, the behaviour of yours as you've described doesn't prompt a normal reaction of them then spying on you.

Kr1stina · 05/03/2017 07:22

This is not your fault .

This is what happens in a normal relationships.

Woman send loads of texts to her partner during the day asking how's work etc.

He doesn't like this. So he sits down and says

" I understand that you like to text me while I'm at work, and I like that you think about me and care about me. But most of the time I don't have my phone on me because it's in my locker / I can't reply because I'm driving /at meetings . And I know you get upset when I don't reply for a few hours.

" So how about I text you at lunchtime and then again when in leaving work. Is that ok? "

And they have a discussion about it.

Man DOESN'T Install spyware in house /on her phone /car.

So I don't know if you are too " needy" or not. But I sure as hell know that his actions are weird, controlling and illegal .

tipsytrifle · 05/03/2017 08:58

What Kr1stina said is very true. Discussion about excessive texts or communications through the day - IF that's what was happening - are not dealt with by spyware! Spyware is NOT daily communication, it's the opposite and nothing at all to do with your alleged behaviour.

He has invalidated his own perspective by trying to mind-control you, tell you how to speak and feel. He invaded your home, your car, your personality for his own purposes. If there is any neediness in you then this worked to his advantage because he exploited any tendency you might have to become emotionally dependant on someone. If your father, brother or anyone else had done what's been done to you we'd all be saying the same thing. He saw himself as a male authority in your life and he got you thinking along those lines too. What he did was WRONG at every level.

Has he left now, OP?

Original poster

user1488448211 · 05/03/2017 09:35

He is looking right now for apartments to rent and calling to see if he finds something. He doesnt speak to me, is ignoring me, like i dont exist in the house.

OP posts:

ChuckDaffodils · 05/03/2017 09:38

He is looking right now for apartments to rent and calling to see if he finds something. He doesnt speak to me, is ignoring me, like i dont exist in the house.

Hopefully not using your phone and ramping up your phone bill.

He needs to go today.

kittybiscuits · 05/03/2017 09:43

Tell him to go somewhere else to do the looking!

He is definitely projecting but it's frequently the case that those doing the spying know only too well how easy it is to cheat or be dishonest. Often they fear that the partner may be doing the same as them.

Original poster

user1488448211 · 05/03/2017 09:44

He is the one which is upset with me and breaking up with me because i cannot change

OP posts:

ChuckDaffodils · 05/03/2017 09:46

No love - that is a lie. He is a liar. It is projection. He is dumping you because you found him out and lying to make out it is all you.

kittybiscuits · 05/03/2017 09:49

If he is, he's doing you a massive favour. But unfortunately I think it's all a sham to get you to beg him to stay. So there doesn't have to be any further discussion of the fact that HE HAS BEEN SPYING ON YOU AND BUGGING YOUR HOME! I am shouting that to you, with the best of intentions, because what he has done to you is indefensible. Wake up! He's just trying to wrongfoot you by leaving. Tell him to get the fuck out!

tipsytrifle · 05/03/2017 09:49

So he isn't planning on leaving today. Don't be surprised if his "looking" extends for a very long time. If he has money to rent immediately, he has money to rent a room elsewhere and continue looking. If this is over then it's over. Have you told him that it's over or is this all unspoken stuff. Are your parents still with you?

Original poster

user1488448211 · 05/03/2017 09:52

Before him i was in a relationship with a neighbour. He knows that. But that was before him, and i havent spoke a word to that man, i didnt say even hello. And now he is telling me that he put the spycam to see if i still comunicate with the neighbour. I swear i havent since he is in my life and i told him that no need to worry but he didnt believe me. The past is past and i didnt cheat or lie about anythig, but he doesnt believe me

OP posts:

kittybiscuits · 05/03/2017 09:53

So it's your fault he was spying on you? You need to stop listening to this drivel.

ChuckDaffodils · 05/03/2017 09:54

You need to reframe your relationship. Don't assume that anything he says is the truth. It is all lies. Why are you pleading with him to believe you? You should be getting the locks changed and ensuring that he is packing his stuff up today.

hellsbellsmelons · 05/03/2017 10:06

I'm so glad he's ending it because I really don't think you were going to.
Don't be surprised when the other woman appears.
I've no doubt that's what this is.
He's following the cheaters script perfectly.
Get him gone today!!!!!

watermelongun · 05/03/2017 10:27

Just get him out. Tell him to pack a bag and go! Don't feel guilty or beholden - HE has spied on you. Ended the relationship. He now can't expect all the time in the world to faff around in your house while he gets himself sorted. Seriously, just get him to fuck off and change the locks immediately.

SandyY2K · 05/03/2017 10:30

Let him continue looking for a place to live and get out of your life.

This isn't what marriage is supposed to be like. It's not what a healthy relationship looks like either.

There's no love or trust in his actions.

You are bound to be much better off without this man in your life.

His behaviour shows some mental instability and deep rooted paranoia / jealousy and /or insecurity.

kittybiscuits · 05/03/2017 10:52

He's 'leaving you' to make you doubt yourself.

Original poster

user1488448211 · 05/03/2017 10:59

He now is using the neighbour and thats why he put the camera and he doesnt have trust. But i didnt gave him any doubt because i dont even talk to that person anymore, i am not even saying hello..so for everything is my fault, is my fault that i cannot change the way he wants to, is my fault because he spyied on me, is my fault that he broke up with me..is really my fault? Why he didnt talk to me if he didnt trust me? He never told me that he doesnt trust me..

OP posts:

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