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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

found my partner spying on me

403 replies

user1488448211 · 02/03/2017 09:55

hello. we are getting married this summer and found that my fiance has installed a spy program on his computer to check on me at home. basically, the spy program is video recording. he first denied he installed, i searched with him on his computer and showed him that he searched for it on google, he denied again that he searched. finally, he told me that: aaaa i remember, i forgot, i have installed only to see how works as a home security program. i know he is lying because the camera went live at the moment i arrived at home and this is strange. now, he is the one upset for this and not talking to me. what should i do?

OP posts:
PollytheDolly · 03/03/2017 16:04

"I read this reply to a blog on EA, particularly Emotion Withdrawal. Sound familiar ?

Quote:
I have been married to a passive aggressive man for the last 7 yrs. Withholding, along with denial, blame, resistance and making excuses are all a part of daily life, that is unless I keep my mouth shut and don’t bring up anything uncomfortable for him, which is most topics that need to be discussed within the marriage. The withholding comes in as a form of course as control, and moreso, for punishment. Withholding communication, affection, empathy, commitment and most of all…..love. The more I kick and scream about it – the more he withholds. If I am silent, then I just feel even more depressed and repressed. Yes, the emotional pain is excruciating and the self esteem is at an all time low. But then of course, that is their intended outcome. The more we hurt, the more control they will have over us. The crazy thing is that the underlying cause for this destructive, withholding behavior is fear. Absolute fear of being vulnerable and fear of being left, abandoned or even worse – being controlled by another! It is much easier for them to be the one leaving rather than being the one being left. The women who pair up with these types are believe it or not , very special. They are kind, nurturing, empathetic, giving, patient, and above all, committed. Passive aggressive, withholding men are attracted to woman who can do all emotionally that they cannot. Unfortunately I have learned the hard way that no matter how much I try, the behavior does not change. It has been a part of his personality, part of his identity for far too long. I liken it to someone with a drug or alcohol addiction. If they can admit to themselves that they have a problem that is destroying themselves and their families, then there may be a chance. But of course along with the behavior comes denial and blame, so self actualization and admittance is totally a a foreign concept".

Seeleylovestempe · 03/03/2017 16:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PollytheDolly · 03/03/2017 16:32

Fucks sake!!! Angry

NetballHoop · 03/03/2017 16:37

The person on the other thread is user1488318718 not user1488448211

Lochan · 03/03/2017 16:37

Seeley I've reported your post. You are in error, it's clearly not the same OP.

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/03/2017 16:40

I think you're mistaken Seeleylovestempe

OP of that thread is user1488318718. OP of this thread is user1488448211, and she has not posted on that thread.

unfortunateevents · 03/03/2017 16:42

Another reason why I hate these user number names though!

Poudrenez · 03/03/2017 16:43

OP this wanker needs to be dropped, now. Thank god you found out about this before you married him. Your post is really chilling, to be honest.

I'm sorry you're going through this, it must be such a shock xxxx

PollytheDolly · 03/03/2017 16:51

Seeley I've reported your post. You are in error, it's clearly not the same OP.

Fucks sake!!!! Grin

Ohyesiam · 03/03/2017 16:52

Op. I am do sorry this is happening to you. Do you know that even someone loves you, it means they accept you, that you don't need to change for them.
You can meet a man who will treat you well, and love you exactly as you are. Flowers

BlackeyedSusan · 03/03/2017 16:56

if you are worried about the cost of cancelling the wedding, think of all the money you will save on a divorce later. and all the time wasted with this guy.

run for the hills.

humourless · 03/03/2017 16:56

None of this is your OP, none. If you want to think for a minute it is then you must also agree that every woman posting on here about a shit for a DH is also 100% to blame for her problems.

It's him. He'll be the same with every woman.

humourless · 03/03/2017 16:56

None of this is YOU.

kittybiscuits · 03/03/2017 19:17

PollytheDolly that's an excellent post - thanks for sharing!

Hidingtonothing · 03/03/2017 20:09

OP I'm really quite concerned about your plan to talk to him about his behaviour/ending the relationship. This man is a controlling abuser and it's very common for abuse to ramp up when an abusive partner realised they are losing their control over you.

Please speak to Women's Aid about a safe plan, I honestly don't think talking to him is a good idea for all sorts of reasons, not least because I think he'll mess with your head and it might push him to take his abuse of you to a new level. Stay safe OP, that has to be your first priority Flowers

PollytheDolly · 03/03/2017 20:14

Agree with hiding, absolutely do not tell him you're going.

DoctorTwo · 03/03/2017 21:40

Don't talk to him about this. Keep your powder dry and take your computer to the police on Monday morning and tell them your fucking horrible partner has installed spyware on it. Tell them you're scared he might have put other cameras around the house. He will be arrested and charged, your parents (who seem to be in denial btw) will see him for what he is and you will be free.

Then get some professionals in to scan your house for other devices, and get your phone looked at just in case. Then get his parents to pick his stuff up. Then change the locks. And make sure you get the car keys back too.

Keep your counsel, abusive arseholes are at their most dangerous when challenged.

gillybeanz · 03/03/2017 22:09

My love, I too am adopted and agree 100% with what you and Kr1stina have said.
You deserve better than this and being adopted doesn't mean you have to be grateful for any man who doesn't beat you, or isn't an alcoholic.

Please leave this man, your parents are wrong on this one, and if they expect you to marry him in this instance they haven't got your best interest at heart.

I'm so sorry you are going through this, please look after yourself and maybe seek some counselling to help you see this and to put you on the road to gaining some self esteem.

Creampastry · 04/03/2017 08:49

Kick him out. There is nothing to discuss. He's not going to change. He's a lying and it will only get worse.

Rubyslippers7780 · 04/03/2017 08:56

How are things now? Has he left?

Original poster
user1488448211 · 04/03/2017 22:36

He admited today that he tried to spy but i was very quick and found out easily. He told me that he used the spycam program because i don't have confidence in him and this turned off his confidence in me too..weird thing. We talked, he is acusing that he cannot be with me because of my behaviour, that i always want to argue, that i am controlling him by asking where you are, are u coming home, are u ok etc. so he want to break up because of me, because i have not changed at all and i keep arguing for little issues..i told him that when i have a prob, i believe is better to be discussed and not withdrawn..he is decided to leave me because of my behavior and will make his bags and leave

OP posts:
Original poster
user1488448211 · 04/03/2017 22:38

My parents are now by my side, they are not happy either, but they are telling me to leave him and continue my life

OP posts:
happypoobum · 04/03/2017 22:44

Honestly OP, I know it doesn't feel like it now, but you will look back on this and be so glad that you didn't marry this weirdo Flowers

Original poster
user1488448211 · 04/03/2017 22:46

I am sad to see all my life like this and how the things turned to be..i know i have my fault in the relationship and often i am too needy..but i dont think that i am the only one to blame. We talked about this some weeks ago and he decided to give me some time to change, not to be so needy..but it seems that he already took the decision to broke with me..everything seems to be my fault, his behavior changed because of me, of my behavior..

OP posts:
ChuckDaffodils · 04/03/2017 22:52

Yes. That is what abusers do. Don't let him degrade your self confidence. And be more discerning next time.