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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

found my partner spying on me

403 replies

user1488448211 · 02/03/2017 09:55

hello. we are getting married this summer and found that my fiance has installed a spy program on his computer to check on me at home. basically, the spy program is video recording. he first denied he installed, i searched with him on his computer and showed him that he searched for it on google, he denied again that he searched. finally, he told me that: aaaa i remember, i forgot, i have installed only to see how works as a home security program. i know he is lying because the camera went live at the moment i arrived at home and this is strange. now, he is the one upset for this and not talking to me. what should i do?

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 05/03/2017 11:00

Because it's all just an excuse....

Megatherium · 05/03/2017 11:06

Of course it isn't your fault. He's just trying to convince you that it isn't his fault, because he can't bear to admit that.

Megatherium · 05/03/2017 11:10

He is the one which is upset with me and breaking up with me because i cannot change

Make it clear that you are breaking up with him because setting up spy arrangements and lying about it is that act of an arsehole that you don't want to share your life with.

tribpot · 05/03/2017 11:11

Oh good god. So what if you were talking to your neighbour? Neighbours talk to each other, exes talk to each other. This is all just accusatory bollocks to put you on the defensive, so that he has the upper hand.

As previous posters have said, just get him out. Don't listen to what he says, it's intended to break you. So that when he decides he 'forgives' you and will stay, you are so desperate and grateful you take him back despite his appalling behaviour. And then when you take him back knowing full well he was spying on you, in his mind that will be your acceptance of his right to do that.

Your parents need back off and be proud of you for who you are, not what offspring you might produce.

Don't beg and plead with him - let him go.

ChanandlerBongsNeighbour · 05/03/2017 11:11

Congratulations on your strength! You have survived the first hurdle! Don't lose momentum, keep it going. He needs to be out by end of today. Don't let him stall so he has opportunity to get back inside your head and confuse you again!

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 05/03/2017 11:43

He's a filthy liar. Please pay no attention to his justifications on why he "had to" spy on you. It's a total waste of your emotional energy. Do not doubt yourself. There is absolutely no excuse for what he did. You could be a totally inadequate person and it would still not be a valid reason to behave as he has. Acquaint yourself with the meaning of the word "obfuscation" because that is precisely what he is attempting to do to you. Obfuscate and confuse.

He's an abusive and controlling weakling and needs to be gone. Today! Not tomorrow. Not some time in the next few weeks once he's found the perfect flat. Today.

WatchingFromTheWings · 05/03/2017 12:28

He doesnt speak to me, is ignoring me, like i dont exist in the house.

Get the locks changed as soon as he goes out. Pack his stuff and put it on the doorstep. It's your house. Take back control of the situation!

picklemepopcorn · 05/03/2017 12:41

He is leaving you because you have turned out to be a real life person with opinions, needs and a life of your own, rather than a doll he can interact with when he wants to and ignore when he doesn't.

This is not your fault, at all. This is all him. His attempts to make it your fault are ridiculous, don't believe a word he says.

Don't try and keep things civilised, don't bother being polite. Just get him gone, change the locks, and block all contact. Take back some control.

0dfod · 05/03/2017 13:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kr1stina · 05/03/2017 13:37

Remember that he will work really hard to gain the moral high ground on this.

He will claim he can only find a room the size of a shoebox in a squat at a rent of thousands pounds and that's what you have driven him to.

That you have over reacted and blown everything out of proportion and you are conpletely paranoid.

And that he really wanted to stay and work it out because he's so committed to you but your bullying, controlling behaviour has made that impossible.

Mix56 · 05/03/2017 14:49

You must check for key loggers on your computer, change all your passwords, including your bank log ins, triple check that all your iCloud/other cloud, fb,
WhatsApp etc are not linked to his. (The odds are he will already have read this thread)
He says he is leaving, but I doubt it will be that easy. He is still waiting for you to back track. For the love of God, grab this opportunity & get him out.
You are allowed to be yourself, not be groomed into his puppet.
If he doesn't love you, or apparently even like you, it is so much better to know that now, rather than in a year or so when you are dependent on him & have a child (his intention)
He needs to leave & stay with a friend immediately, He can't live in your house & sulk. change the locks. hide your car keys & take any important documents & valuables OUT of your house, & leave them with parents or at work.
This is a very lucky escape

Original poster
user1488448211 · 05/03/2017 15:20

He is the one who doesnt even talk to me, he just stay in the other room searching for apartments to rent and keep calling. He broke up and said: my decision is to close the relationship. He acused me of my neediness, and because i always argue with him and that i cannot change and he wants out of this. He cannot marry a person like me. I didnt have a word because would be in vain and i cannot humiliate as i did before just to stay cause he was confused some weeks ago..then it was the spying, but of course, i cannot say anythinn cause it s my fault for everything

OP posts:
PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 05/03/2017 15:45

Well, what do you say, OP? Do you really believe anything you've done was deserving of him - I keep coming back to this - COMMITTING A CRIME against you? We're hearing his insane ramblings, over and over, and apart from you berating yourself, I am not hearing the first glimmer of how you feel.

Get him out of there today. Ring Women's Aid and get yourself onto the Freedom Programme.

NewPuppyMum · 05/03/2017 15:52

This is exhausting to read and pretty painful.

He is a pathetic person who can't even tell the truth and act like an adult.

He wants out but is too spineless to say so.

Stop looking for justifications for his actions. There aren't any. He's an abusive weak twat and you aren't necessarily needy. You just haven't found the right man yet.

I'm really needy and it probably did cost me a relationship but I'm with someone else now and he's fine with me [shrug].

OnTheRise · 05/03/2017 20:16

Celebrate that he now says he doesn't want to be with you.

As others have said, get him out of your house as soon as you can. Meanwhile, get all your important papers out of the house, with someone safe, NOW. Make sure you have your car keys, your house keys, etc. and that he can't slope off with them. Protect yourself. Get rid of him. Then change your locks, change your passwords, do everything you can to protect yourself from him.

IonaNE · 05/03/2017 20:41

OP, well done for getting rid of him. FFS, stop blaming yourself for everything from your adoptive parents not seeing you in a white dress to "alienating" him because you "haven't changed enough". He was spying on you in your own house - this is illegal, would be police matter, and is by the way the material of Saturday night horror films. You have had a narrow escape.

xStefx · 07/03/2017 11:40

OP, he is embarrassed because he was caught being a little fucking weirdo

He will now blame you because he is embarrassed and wants you to feel like he has done something wrong

OP- you don't seriously want to marry a man who sets up spy cams and doesn't trust you when you have done nothing wrong

Be happy you found out he is a little spying creep before you got married

Im really worried his little plan is going to win you back round, he seems to be trying to put the blame on you and make you "needy"- can you just keep reminding yourself OP HE IS A LITTLE SPYING CREEPY WEIRDO

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 07/03/2017 12:23

Nothing but lying lip service from him now. Do not believe a word of it. In fact, you should not waste a minute of your time even listening to him. His rambling nonsense is a sel-indulgent pity party to deflect/distract his consciousness away from taking responsibility for his actions. Those words have nothing to do with you. Do not take his trash talk on board- it is bait: leave it.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 07/03/2017 15:14

It is your house: find the electrical panel and throw the main switch which will turn all electronics off, except whatever battery power is charged. (Charge your phone first)

There is nothing there for him now. He needs to go and use someone else, now.

He is blaming you for not being a doormat. This not something you should feel sorry for!

tipsytrifle · 07/03/2017 23:15

OP while I'm as concerned as everyone else about his total invasion of your life, I'm equally concerned about your lack of a sense of boundaries. Did your neighbour, the one you had a "thing" with before, exploit you too? Where is your ownership of your own home and life. You felt enough wrongness to post here which is a brilliant step. Now your focus is on his ending it on his terms. But he is still there, in your space. Are you cooking for him? Who sleeps where? Are you annoyed enough to declare what's yours yet? I might be very wrong but your tolerance level is still set very high.

In truth it doesn't matter that he ended it, anything that works to his removal is fine in my books - but he hasn't truly ended it until he's gone. Until then he has just uttered words. Are YOU ready to end this?

Original poster
user1488448211 · 08/03/2017 13:46

i am not ready to end it, but i am doing my best..he hasn't slept at home. he took some of the baggage..his mother talked to him regarding the situation because i've called her and told her everything..and now he wants me back, telling me he is sorry and everything..but i don't want anymore..he is a man that i cannot base on it, he told me some weeks ago that he doesn't want anymore to be with me if i don't change due to my neediness and control, then he wanted to work together on this..and this weekend the same, that he wants to break up with me..and now he apologizes and ask me to receive him back..

OP posts:
humourless · 08/03/2017 13:48

His response seems like he's a textbook abuser.

hellsbellsmelons · 08/03/2017 13:55

I don't know what to say.
You aren't ready to end it.
So you'll take him back.
Change who you are as a person to accommodate him.
He will realise you'll do anything to save this and ramp up the control and abuse.
And you will spend years walking on eggshells. Unable to go out with friends because he won't like it or trust you while you are out.
Then he'll have you barefoot and pregnant and reliant on him financially.
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO
Please don't take him back.
You've done the hard bit.
He's gone.

Unfortunately, he's also realised he has let his meal ticket go so now he'll 'hoover' you back in.
Don't fall for it!

Original poster
user1488448211 · 08/03/2017 14:00

i must thank everyone for your words..you are wonderful and kind people. i made the big step, now all i need is to say goodbye, already told him: 'leave me because you wanted this and now you can have what you wanted'. but he keeps apologizing, that he was a stupid, and to receive him back..i need to find some courage to end this from the roots

OP posts:
Kr1stina · 08/03/2017 14:01

Don't take him back, he is not a good man and you will have a very unhappy life

Stop involving his mother