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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

found my partner spying on me

403 replies

user1488448211 · 02/03/2017 09:55

hello. we are getting married this summer and found that my fiance has installed a spy program on his computer to check on me at home. basically, the spy program is video recording. he first denied he installed, i searched with him on his computer and showed him that he searched for it on google, he denied again that he searched. finally, he told me that: aaaa i remember, i forgot, i have installed only to see how works as a home security program. i know he is lying because the camera went live at the moment i arrived at home and this is strange. now, he is the one upset for this and not talking to me. what should i do?

OP posts:
PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 03/03/2017 11:38

It's fine to be mulling these things over in your mind and hashing it out with us here. But do not make the mistake of thinking that any flaws on your part means he's justified in doing what he does.

Try to make time today to talk to Women's Aid or your local domestic abuse people. Try to unscramble your thoughts on this. What he is doing IS abuse, even if he weren't filming you without your consent. The lying, gaslighting, criticisms all add up and they're making you doubt yourself and curb your natural instincts.

Emotional abuse is illegal (finally!) and filming you without your consent has always been illegal. As I said upthread, if you wanted to, you could report him to the police. I'm not saying you have to, but it should give you some steely resolve when he can't see what he's doing wrong.

Joysmum · 03/03/2017 11:44

We are allowed to feel. What alert are not allowed to do is be abusive, unreasonable or nasty in our reactions to those thoughts and feelings.

He had absolutely no right to do what he did or to maintain a campaign of controlling and manipulating you as he had done. This man is threatens you as you are no longer behaving as you would do normally. You need to escape from his web.

Original poster
user1488448211 · 03/03/2017 11:50

thanks so much all of you for your advice. everybody told me the same thing, to end up this. i am so sorry, it seems for me like a trauma, like a dream that i am living :( ending the wedding that i dreamt of all my life..i thought everything will be ok in the end and we'll be like in the beginning, but it seems i was wrong all the time. i will try to put all my forces, to find myself and stand up for me and be courageous this weekend.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 03/03/2017 11:56

Your wedding may well of been the one of your dreams but your marriage would not have been. High price to pay for one day isn't it Sad

MrsDustyBusty · 03/03/2017 12:04

If you want to get married, you will. This loser is not your last hope. If you go through with the wedding though, I'd be very pessimistic about a happy ever after.

WalkingCarpet · 03/03/2017 12:33

Turn all of your computers off. Unplug them. Change your credit cards. Go and buy a cheap tablet and a new phone and get some privacy back.

WalkingCarpet · 03/03/2017 12:34

And OMFG change the locks.

SecondMrsAshwell · 03/03/2017 13:14

I thought of something last night. Talk to your family. They may well be relieved that you want to call the wedding off because they see your BF is not right for you (they may even suspect what's going on). Tell them. they will be behind you.

Good luck.

PollytheDolly · 03/03/2017 13:23

now i feel like i failed my family and everything with the wedding..he told me past month that i don't trust him, that he is confused about the wedding, that i am too needy and i need to leave him some space..i left him space, i tried to change because i love him...but now what? he is the one who doesn't trust me? he is the one who is controlling me? i didn't control him, i am asking him when i have doubts . even then, when i say my opinion when i don't like something, he begins to argue with me and says: this is me, if you want to accept me like this, ok. we've been talking a lot since he was confused about the wedding..and i thought he will be ok..we have 1 year and a half, he was different at the beginning, but now he has changed, he is mean with me, when we argue, he doesn't talk to me until i go and kiss him.

And there it is. Clear as day.

Forget the camera, that's the tip of the iceberg. This man is an emotional abuser. End of. You are lucky to find this out now because it will get a whole lot worse once you're married. You really need to end this and stop doubting yourself, the gaslighting, controlling bastard. Wilfully holding affection to break you. Ugh.

Anyway Flowers for you darling. Do the right thing. X

Original poster
user1488448211 · 03/03/2017 13:25

talked to my parents already, they know everything..but they insist that no relationship is always pink and i should see his qualities: not an alcoholic, he wants a family etc.
my parents are those who want grandchildren because they are old and want to see me in a white dress and look after the children. they adopted me, i am the only daughter..so somehow i understand them..that's why i said that i know they will be hurt a lot, but it's my life so i need to put myself on top

OP posts:
MrsDustyBusty · 03/03/2017 13:28

Not an alcoholic is the lowest standard you could apply to a life partner.

PollytheDolly · 03/03/2017 13:39

But do your parents know exactly how abusive he is?

xStefx · 03/03/2017 13:42

Your not even married to this guy yet and you have been trying to change yourself.
Oh OP do yourself a favour and say bye to this guy , what a shitty married life that lies ahead of you if you don't get rid.

unfortunateevents · 03/03/2017 13:48

Unfortunately if your parents response is in line with how they usually deal with problems, then I think it goes some way towards explaining how you have ended up with this dreadful person. Have they always brushed things under the carpet in order to have a nice life on the surface?

GirlElephant · 03/03/2017 13:59

Your parents are giving you terrible advice. Someone now being an alcoholic & wanting a family does not make them a suitable partner. This man is abusing you, thank goodness you found out before further committing to him

nat73 · 03/03/2017 14:02

A friend of mine find out after 10 years of marriage her husband had installed cameras in all the rooms of their house. He was filming her 24/7. She found the films on his laptop. He is now her ex. It turned out he did the same to his 1st wife!!

You know in advance and can walk away now. He doesn't sound like the kind of chap you should considering marrying.

bloodyteenagers · 03/03/2017 14:04

Core blimy he's not an alcoholic (yet) and wants to have children (at the moment). What a catch. I can totally see
How this would take precedence over what a gas lighting, mistrusting person he is. If they like him so much he can move in with them. See how they like being spied on

Peanutbutterrules · 03/03/2017 14:07

Yikes OP! Run before your dream wedding turns into a nightmare marriage.

Its sad your parents are saying those things; mine were similar. Sadly I married the idiot and lived to really regret it. Get out now while these red flags are flying.

ScarlettFreestone · 03/03/2017 14:10

user you love your parents and want to be a good daughter - that's natural.

But this isn't something you owe them. It's not something good parents ask of their daughter.

They won't have to live with him, you will.

The temporary embarrassment of cancelling the wedding is much much less that years of misery you can expect if you marry.

If it's hard to leave now, how much harder when you are married?

Consider also that once you are married he's entitled to half your house, car, money.

ChuffMuffin · 03/03/2017 14:30

OP, please check out this website for free programs that will scan & delete any keyloggers and other spyware he's most likely installed as well on your computer.

If he's installed a program to monitor you by webcam, I'd bet my life savings he's put a keylogger on there as well, so he can read what you've been typing.

I hate seeing this phrase bandied about unneccessarily on here, but please, LTB. You need to get out. His behaviour is incredbily worrying.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 03/03/2017 14:43

People very innocently and blithely tell OPs "your family will be happy to help..." type things, but the reality doesn't always match up, so it's not always the best thing to say.

OP, if sounds like your parents might not Get It. In fact, I'm going to go further and posit that they are manifestly not good parents in this respect. Oh, and do I detect a whiff of bullshitty misogyny? Yes, i believe i do. What you've learnt growing up is that bad marriage is better than none. This is absolutely the opposite to what you should have been taught/shown. I am so happy that you say you deserve better, but I worry that deep down you don't believe it. Please believe it!

Kr1stina · 03/03/2017 14:45

OP I am interested to see that you are adopted because I am too.

We adoptees are often very sensitive to rejection and tend to blame ourselves for everything that goes wrong in relationships. We are socialised to be grateful and feel lucky when people do things for us. We feel we are not worth it and we need to pay them back by doing what they want.

We feel unlovable and that no one will ever want us. This makes us very vulnerable to people who want to control us.

I wonder if you feel any of these things and this might be why you have tried so hard to make things work and perhaps ignored red flags about your fiancé .

PhilCoulsonsLeftHand17 · 03/03/2017 14:47

The spycam is the least of your worries.

He is telling you that as long as you dont question him and always agree with him then you are being a good partner. You know that this is bull and only the tip of the iceberg. Nobody is allowed to question him? Nobody is allowed to disagree with him? THats not how life works. Your opinions matter as much as his. His controlling you and want more control with the spycam, this is abuse no ifs or buts its abuse. Kick him out now. Your house, your car, your life, your choice.

Do not discuss this with him he will only tell you what you want to hear or twist things around to make you doubt yourself yet again.

It IS NOT you that is wrong, its NOT you that is making trouble in the partnership its HIM. He is trying to change you into a submissive woman who obeys him and doesnt have opinions or rights of her own. You know that this isnt right.

Your parents have very low standards if they are prepared to let their daughter be abused just so they can have grandkids, that is deplorable.

Original poster
user1488448211 · 03/03/2017 14:53

Kr1stina - yes, i always feel like if the biological mother abandoned me, then everyone will do the same and i believe that's why i kept trying on a bad relationship..

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 03/03/2017 15:22

"i believe that's why i kept trying on a bad relationship.."
I felt a little zing of hope when I read your last post, OP - your acceptance that this IS a bad relationship. It is, it really is.

Now you have to work on feeling worthy of a good relationship. I'm so sorry that your parents didn't instil this in you already, and am horrified that they are minimising his behaviour. I don't give a damn that they want to see you in a white dress - no way should that override their concern for their daughter. But I've hung around these boards long enough to read again and again the horrible things parents do, and the effect on their now-adult children. Sadly your parents have made you vulnerable to abusers, because you accept bad behaviour towards yourself.