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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

found my partner spying on me

403 replies

user1488448211 · 02/03/2017 09:55

hello. we are getting married this summer and found that my fiance has installed a spy program on his computer to check on me at home. basically, the spy program is video recording. he first denied he installed, i searched with him on his computer and showed him that he searched for it on google, he denied again that he searched. finally, he told me that: aaaa i remember, i forgot, i have installed only to see how works as a home security program. i know he is lying because the camera went live at the moment i arrived at home and this is strange. now, he is the one upset for this and not talking to me. what should i do?

OP posts:
Iamthinking · 08/03/2017 14:28

Beware that he is going to turn on the charm now, big style. Everything he has done so far has been so transparent to us, outsiders. Maybe not so much to you.
The lying, the turning things around onto you to deflect blame from himself. Saying he is ending it - but only as a way of flexing his muscles and trying to bring you in line. It didn't work so now he is into 'oh I am sorry' charm mode, and will probably say all you want to hear.

He. Cannot. Be. Trusted.
You see, he will be making promises that he can be back to the man you knew before. Saying everything you want to hear.

Stay strong lady. Don't fall for it. It won't last.

hellsbellsmelons · 08/03/2017 14:51

Well it's easy then.
I quick text saying 'GOODBYE AND DON'T CONTACT ME AGAIN'
Then block, ignore and delete all contact info.
Block on facebook, social media and all message apps.
Job done!

NewPuppyMum · 08/03/2017 15:12

Tell him it is over then block.

Joysmum · 08/03/2017 16:23

He'll always blame you for his behavior which he lacks boundaries and morals to keep in check and reasonable. I think you would be mad to want a lifetime of that.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 08/03/2017 17:14

Tell him to tell it to the next one. You are done.

magoria · 08/03/2017 17:49

How would a camera in your house catch you saying hi to a neighbour outside? Or going to your neighbours and shagging in every room of his house?

That excuse is pure bullshit.

He has a problem. You have done nothing to deserve his distrust or spying.

You cannot bend over backwards to change yourself for this man. If you achieve A he will then want B and then C.

He does not love you for the trustworthy person you are.

tipsytrifle · 08/03/2017 23:45

Moments of extreme choice actually come at times when we think we aren't "ready." There's no such thing as being "ready." Sometimes things have to be done because they are Necessary, no matter how much they hurt plans or visions. Sometimes things have to be done and said to save Self.

What the last few posters have said is absolutely right. This man wants to own you, shape you into his compliant, quiet, subservient beast of burden. He thinks he has the right to do that, hence he has done what he has done. He isn't sorry about anything other than the glitch in his "work" on you by your rebellion. Unluckily for you he is willing to give it another go. Sometimes they have to be done NOW and cannot wait for the luxury of feeling "ready." You have a goddess-given moment here; I hope you seize it.

Or do you want to be owned instead? Is that really what you would choose for yourself and the children he would insist you had asap once he was reinstalled in your home? How much more of his disturbed and oppressive regime do you need to see before you think, "oh shit, this is hell!"

Does he have keys btw? Did he take your car?

Take yourself out for a walk in the gorgeous spring air (before the next weather front descends) and smell what it's like to be free. See if you like that kind of air rather than the cage on offer. I really mean that.

Iamthinking · 09/03/2017 09:30

And please remember, that if you do get sucked back in by his charm offensive and your parents' selfish pressure, you will not have been the first. There will be plenty of women on here that this has happened to. It may be that for you, you need a few instances of him being totally weird and out of order for the scales to fall from your eyes and you see that the man you fell in love with was all pretend.
And when you next have the feeling of 'this is not right' and 'oh shit, who is this person', i.e. when he has let his guard down and become his real self again, then please come back for support.

There will be women here to help you through. Ideally before it is too late and you are married and pregnant.

Original poster
user1488448211 · 09/03/2017 10:08

thank you for all your support and words..i need to thank you all..his mother called me today and told me that she will meet him on weekend and have a talk on what he did..i told her that i am so confused and i don't understand why he keeps apologize now and wants to be back with me..some weeks ago he wanted to break up, after to be together again, after break up..

OP posts:
PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 09/03/2017 10:18

It is your house. He has nibright whatsoever to set foot in it ever again.

There is no need to be sorting through anything. You get a trusted friend in, pack up the rest of his stuff and either send it to his mum's or leave it outside and if he doesn't collect, tough noogies.

As to anything he might have contributed to the house, again, tough freaking luck. If you don't want to keep the item, sell it to pay for the professional IT and bugging sweep he's forced you to do.

Stay strong!!!

unfortunateevents · 09/03/2017 10:29

Please be strong with your mother. He is going to try and use her to put pressure on you to take him back! His attempts to weasel his way back in with you haven't worked so he is going to try any other way he can. I would suggest that you ask your mother not to meet with him and that doing so is against your wishes, doubt that will stop her, but you can refuse to listen to anything she tries to tell you afterwards. If she attempts to discuss with you, just refuse to listen, leave the room, the house, whatever. I know it's really difficult because you have had years of conditioning to do what your parents want but you need to remember that what this man was doing to you is horrific and no reasonable person would support this. Do you have any real-life friend whom you could discuss all this with?

Also, on a practical level:

have you given him a deadline by which time he needs to have moved out properly and taken all his stuff? If he seems to be able to sleep at his mothers house there is no reason why you should not tell him to get out this weekend?

have you made arrangements to change the locks as soon as he is gone?

most importantly, have you spoken to anyone who can come and sweep your home and devices for any other spyware? If he still has spyware installed he can track you even after he leaves!

Mix56 · 09/03/2017 10:47

His Mother will want this to settle down,
What are you confused about ? why he isn't a normal loving man ? How is his mother telling him off going to change him ?
We have all been telling you he is "Broken", he doesn't function properly, & trying again because you have invested a lot in this relationship is a hopeless sunken costs fallacy.
You need to end this, grab the incredible luck you have that he has moved out,
Time to start again

unfortunateevents · 09/03/2017 10:50

Sorry, thought it was your mother he is meeting, not his! Advice remains the same though. Also, why is he meeting up with her, I though you said he was sleeping at hers? Where is he staying currently?

Original poster
user1488448211 · 09/03/2017 11:10

he hasn't slept at home, neither at his mother's house..i guess he is sleeping at some friends, didn't ask it..

OP posts:
xStefx · 09/03/2017 11:16

I can explain why he has changed his mind so quickly: and im right

1: When you caught him out being a creepy little spying weirdo he was embarrassed, so he needed to turn the tables on you and make you feel bad and that the "breakup" was your fault.

2: Now your getting used to the idea of him not being around he is panicking and asking you back before you cnahge your mind.

Basically love he is playing mind games with you
Why do you want a relationship with a creepy spying weirdo who plays mind games? forget trying to make sense of it all, don't waste your time.

Just leave or your future will be bloody grim

Megatherium · 09/03/2017 16:05

Just don't engage with him in any way. Above all, don't talk to him. Tell him in writing that that, contrary to his belief, you don't need him, and you want nothing more to do with him. Don't let him try to confuse you and gaslight you any more. Your life will be so much better.

Hissy · 09/03/2017 16:14

He's got someone else.

Which explains why he doesn't trust you. Classic affair script

Please delete this awful man from your life. Please?

Someone as warped as him is a rel threat to your life, he could very well harm you.

NewPuppyMum · 09/03/2017 18:27

Stop being confused. His on again off again, wants you back, is sorry etc is all to mess up your head. You're well rid and there's no reason to speak to his mother anymore.

BrownEyedLady · 09/03/2017 19:34

Once he's out of your life, you'll see the situation much more clearly. Stay strong. You are doing the right thing by insisting the relationship is over.

user1490862086 · 30/03/2017 09:50

it's me again..i deleted the old account because i was receiving a lot of emails..so back to business :( ..i made a mistake i know, i received him back :( ..and the problems again, now he is packing and leaving but he wants the ring back, and wants all the money for everything he did in the house..i can't believe, the ring!!! he was confused again, i haven't changed, i am the one who is guilty for everything and i am the one who now has to pay him the bride dress and everything he bought..i can't believe..omg

user1490862086 · 30/03/2017 10:35

he is packing also the pillows that we bought together..he says that he has a higher salary and i need to give all the money back to him

ElspethFlashman · 30/03/2017 11:05

Tell him to take you to court.

He can't. He'd have to prove it all wasn't a gift. You don't have to pay back a gift in law. So he wouldn't have a chance.

The onus would be on him to prove somehow he has a legal right to be reimbursed. Let him try.

user1490862086 · 30/03/2017 11:08

i am desperate..i don't have this money to give him, i have a salary too but he asks me for a lot of money, we made the shopping together for the house, for the wedding..so i paid for some, he paid for some..i made him gifts..i am not taking them back, why is he taking the engagement ring and wants everything back?

user1490862086 · 30/03/2017 11:09

he has invoices on the things he bought

Happyinthehills · 30/03/2017 11:15

Just because he has invoices doesn't mean they weren't gifts. Just say no, let him take it to court.