I hit OH this morning. ASHAMED

[stupididiot26]

Dd woke up this morning at 5am. She usually sleeps through until around 7 but last few days she's been up early and really demanding all day it's tough.. she only ever wants me as well which makes it even tougher as it's like nobody can help me out. I am run ragged and exhausted.

Me and OH and a little squabble this morning it got more heated very quickly and OH called me a cunt. Said I was Lazy because I don't work all I do is swan around with the baby (not true) I do everything in this house.

OH barged passed me and knocked into me it wasn't too hard but it defiantly was the straw that broke the camels back I reached out and I hit him then burst into tears because I was so angry.

I have never hit anyone ever! He has gone off to work now and rightfully so isn't speaking to me.. I know if he hit me I would of packed his stuff there and then. It's my house and
I don't know what to do. I feel terrible about it.

We usually have a good relationship we have disagreements but they are usually resolved quickly and things have never for physical before. He did not hit me back this morning and he has never laid a finger on me he calmly walked away.

you didn't but you seem to be stating he should be understanding as to why the OP hit him

You are wrong, I was stating his actions were not conducive with someone who is understanding how exhausted the other person is; I did no way mention the hit, please stop insinuating otherwise, really, really pointless.

Well I was right about the dragging it out part I too was also emotionally abused for a long time and reminded him of this and simply stopped replying so I could look after our daughter 15 mins ago he's just started messaging me like this morning never happened because I said I wasn't arguing about it anymore it wasn't taking this forward. Now he's apologising. Will today ever end!?

He obviously still has feelings he wants to air. If you love him, let him and reframe it as something other than dragging it out

Maybe you can make him see sense by giving him another whack.

Quite a few people have advised this but I'm going to repeat it (because I'm older thsan you and like the sound of my own voice). Stop trying to sort out big issues like this by text/email. Have a break from each other for a few hours, gather your thoughts, then tonight after you've eaten, sit down and talk properly like grown ups.

Barbarian says exactly what I think. Distance, reflection time & then speak, face to face

Just leave it until you can talk face to face.

He has no intentions of leaving or anything yet he will still see how long he can drag it out for and to me that doesn't feel helpful it's just made me feel a little pissed off again that he feels I don't have enough to deal with without having to be made to feel even worse then I already do

This is such an odd post from you-it's a if you expect him to just forget about you hitting him this morning and move on. Why have you decided he's dragging it out rather than feels genuinely hurt by what you did to him?

I am considering ending it to be honest I've always said if any of us was to hit each other that would be that. If he had hit me I know I would of enforced that instantly. It's not fair on either of us.

Now just take a deep breath. You're both from abusive relationships. That's a really tough one to come to terms with. Situation was strained.

You both fucked up. Yes. Shit happens sometimes.

Chalk it up to experience, apologise, talk it out, move on.

I can't imagine you'd do it again, OP. It reminds me of drug calculation errors medics used to make at the hospital: you could guarantee that particular mistake was never made again. Different ones, perhaps, but not the ones that really went deep and made you beat yourself up about it for ages afterwards.

MSIsNasty

Lamping your partner isn't a 'mistake' in the same way as a medic making a drug miscalculation. It's assault.

The problem with using words like the C word in casual conversation is that those words become a part of your every day vocabulary and therefore when used in anger they don't have the same meaning as for people who don't tend to throw that kind of language around.

So for instance, I use the words bloody hell in every day conversation. So if me and DP have an argument and I say "oh, bloody hell, do you have to " and it's just a part of my vocabulary. With the OP and her DP it's exactly the same but with the C word. I don't use the C word in casual conversation. Can't stand its use actually, so if DP called me a cunt in the middle of a row the impact of that would be huge for me. But for the OP's dp he uses the word every day anyway, so it's not the same level of insult.

WRT the OP hitting her DP, tbh I can see how someone might lash out in exhaustion etc, however the OP's subsequent reaction is a red flag for me. So she apologised and now that her DP hasn't just blindly accepted her apology for being violent she is continuing the argument, blaming the DP for not apologising or wanting to let it go. This is classic abuser behaviour. How many abusers hit their victims and apologise profusely afterwards, only to find something else to have an argument about later?

Violence is a big deal. I wouldn't be blindly accepting an apology for that either. In fact I might be able to get past a one off if we talked about it afterwards but if my DP then started to become annoyed at my wanting to talk about it I would see that as a red flag and think long and hard about whether to stay in the relationship.

OP his calling you a cunt is irrelevant really. If you don't want to be called a cunt during an argument then stop using it as every day conversational language. But you hitting him and now wanting to brush it under the carpet is a big deal. If this was the other way around and a man had lashed out at a woman and was now becoming annoyed because she wouldn't accept his apology the responses on here would unanimously be telling her to leave and to get the kids away from him.

OH barged passed me and knocked into me it wasn't too hard but it defiantly was the straw that broke the camels back I reached out and I hit him then burst into tears because I was so angry.

The OPs OH isn't exactly innocent here and if you are sleep deprived then there's every chance you will lash out when confronted.

He meant to knock into her, she meant to lash out; to me, talking about which one is worse is irrelevant, they both need to take responsibility for their actions and sit down and discuss (when both calmed down).

I think now you've calmed down your minimising. He knows he barged into you, hence why he's not baring a grudge about you hitting him. Do your on your knees exhausted and he verbally abuses you and shoves you, then you hit him.

You was wrong to hit, but IMO it wasn't as unprovoked and black and white as your making out. I don't think your the cause of this, it sounds he is. It's all well minimising now, but if you don't deal with this it could be his regular goto for anger and yours too.

Sorry I've just seen your update. Still stand by what I said though. He's game playing. He wasn't angry till you apologised, he realised then he had turned it round on you and didn't need to be too apologetic, deflecting. He shoved past you first, that's just as bad as hitting. As you've figured out he now thinks he holds all the cards.

If this is a genuine one off, get help. If he's often nasty, unsupportive etc then I'd reconsider the relationship.

And yet again mumsnet is minimising the OP's part and it's all his fault.

Next time a woman comes on here and says her OH hit her shall we say "oh but you started it."? No didn't think so.

At best this is a mutually abusive relationship.

But calling the OP a cunt isn't verbal abuse if that word is used as an every day part of their vocabulary. People on here see it as such because most of us have different boundaries than that, but clearly the OP and her dp think differently.

We don't know if the husband deliberately knocked into her. OP said herself they have a small kitchen so he could have knocked into her accidentally. But we do know she meant to hit him. There are no excuses for that.

He meant to knock into her,

No he didn't.

talking about which one is worse is irrelevant

No it isn't.

It's clear that people have hugely different ideas about boundaries in relationships. If DH (or anyone) called me that C word I don't think there would be any going back. It would be like a punch in the face, only verbal. I absolutely hate that word and am amazed how it gets bandied about on MN as if everyone should be fine with it. They are not!

Of course violence is unacceptable, full stop. But it's no use pretending that the potential impact of a woman hitting a man is the same as the other way round - generally speaking. I wouldn't be able to physically hurt DH unless I whacked him with an object. He could knock me out with one punch. I'm 9 stone to his 15 stone. I would never hit a child 6 stone lighter and smaller than me, or a more frail elderly person. That's the difference. Violence is always wrong, as I said, but let's not pretend that some degrees of it aren't worse than others.

OP - I think this morning was a flashpoint for both of you and you need to have a serious chat face to face as to whether you can put this behind you and what is the way forward.

Alaia5, my brother's xDP threw a (plugged-in, hot) iron at him. That could've done a bit of damage if it had connected, don't you think? You seem to suggest that use of a weapon is a theoretical possibility only. It's much more than that.

More fucking minimising and excusing.

But it's no use pretending that the potential impact of a woman hitting a man is the same as the other way round - generally speaking.

So what? It's not the physical damage that would cause me to leave my husband. It would be the utter disgust that he would think so little of me that he would act in such a way that would have me out the door.

*He meant to knock into her,

No he didn't.*

I think you will find barging into someone usually means you meant it, unless you were pushed from behind.

talking about which one is worse is irrelevant
No it isn't

It is imo, unless you want to apportion a percentage to whom did worse? They are both at fault here.

And Bear, please try and get your head round the fact that we all have different views here, it's called an internet advice forum, not the rules according to you.

But it's no use pretending that the potential impact of a woman hitting a man is the same as the other way round - generally speaking. I wouldn't be able to physically hurt DH unless I whacked him with an object.

Typically men may be able to do more damage but most women seem to underestimate their own ability to cause physical harm. I used to do martial arts and one of the things we would do as a senior grade was body conditioning, that required being hit (typically to the stomach and arms) reasonably hard so that you became used to taking a blow a opponent. Many of the novice women who came to learn didn't think they wouldn't be able to do any harm so went for it, I can assure you that a lot can hit bloody hard!

Bear - well obviously the scenario you describe is horrendous and yes, I suppose somebody could switch and throw an object as easily as hit another person.

Purple - I agree with you, however, if I hit DH, he would be disgusted. If he hit me, I would be disgusted and also terrified, so I still think there is a difference.

Barging into someone is still a physical act with intent. Using the C word is not normal in most people's homes. It's hardly surprising that things could escalate given those kind of circumstances.

Casual cunting is not for everyone x

Then I guess you need not take offence with it, as it you both use it so casually.

You're right. It's not for everyone to but do beware that DC end up using the word like it means nothing, when they get to hear it used loosely by their parents.

As much as I don't disagree with many of the responses, if the op had posted her husband hit her the responses would have been overwhelmingly "leave him" , "it never stops at the first time", we see it on here all the time.

However the op posts she hit her husband and the response is "well he is partly to blame". Domestic violence is never ok, whomever is doing the hitting and whatever the provocation. It is not gender specific. If my husband hit me, even if I called him a cunt and barged past him, i would leave.

However, I agree talk to him, it's done now, and if you've never done it before and won't again, hopefully uou can both move on from it.

There's been some shocking responses on this thread blaming ops husband, who has been the victim of domestic abuse. Whatever happened did not justify ops violent response and she knows that. If this was reversed every respondent would shout LTB, not blame the victims actions leading up to them being hit. As for women not being able to inflict as much damage as a man, that's just so inaccurate I'm flabbergasted.