I hit OH this morning. ASHAMED

[stupididiot26]

Dd woke up this morning at 5am. She usually sleeps through until around 7 but last few days she's been up early and really demanding all day it's tough.. she only ever wants me as well which makes it even tougher as it's like nobody can help me out. I am run ragged and exhausted.

Me and OH and a little squabble this morning it got more heated very quickly and OH called me a cunt. Said I was Lazy because I don't work all I do is swan around with the baby (not true) I do everything in this house.

OH barged passed me and knocked into me it wasn't too hard but it defiantly was the straw that broke the camels back I reached out and I hit him then burst into tears because I was so angry.

I have never hit anyone ever! He has gone off to work now and rightfully so isn't speaking to me.. I know if he hit me I would of packed his stuff there and then. It's my house and
I don't know what to do. I feel terrible about it.

We usually have a good relationship we have disagreements but they are usually resolved quickly and things have never for physical before. He did not hit me back this morning and he has never laid a finger on me he calmly walked away.

So he called you a lazy count and barged into you? That is abuse. Hitting back isn't great but he started it, and I highly doubt you hurt him.

Wow,, one post in and it's started.

He does pull his weight and will do everything he is asked to do. I'd be fine if I was getting more rest just so exhausted the days feel endless!

My DH and I use the "c" word too, only in banter though, so I get you totally. It's just such an awful word that it's kind of funny to us?!! Anyway, don't be too hard on yourselves. You both screwed up and you've both apologised and recognise that it was just a silly argument that got out of hand because of frustration and tiredness. You'll both probably have a laugh about it later

OP it must feel awful, and I'm sure your OH feels just as bad.

Main thing is to learn together to recognise what the trigger points were and a firm commitment to manage the situation in future.

Sit down and talk through what happened step by step, acknowledging your feelings, how you each felt and respecting each other's point of view.

The only way to move forward is if you are both determined to improve your behaviour.

The swearing may be your affectionate style of communication, but it does erode respect even if you don't think it does. Now you have DC why not decide to change, it seems to be a sign of immaturity, to be honest.

My DH and I use the "c" word too, only in banter though, so I get you totally. It's just such an awful word that it's kind of funny to us?!! Anyway, don't be too hard on yourselves. You both screwed up and you've both apologised and recognise that it was just a silly argument that got out of hand because of frustration and tiredness. You'll both probably have a laugh about it later
^ this is pretty much what I was going to say ^ also kunt means most beautiful girl with a"k" not a "c"

You reacted, you lashed out. I think you both need to sit down and discuss why/how you lost control and make a plan. Whether that's him doing more hands on stuff once he's back from work allowing you some down time? Or whatever? Something needs to change otherwise this could happen again or worse.

Being a full time parent is hard going and a thankless for the most part. Sometimes you lose yourself in the monotony. Is childcare once a week for a few hours something you could look into? I know it's giving me the chance to breathe for a few hours per week which makes a bloody huge difference.

Perhaps my perspective is skewed, but dh and I don't bicker, we don't call each other names and we don't barge past or otherwise make shows of physical force.

I can't understand why people would be so nasty to the person they profess to love.

OP, I once had a similar incident with my ex. I punched him on the arm and was the utterly mortified that I'd done such a thing when I absolute abhor violence and abuse.

My ex had shoved me out of the way, knocking me to the ground, and was then holding my baby and refusing to pass him over to me. He was yelling what a shit mother I was and I was genuinely frightened that he was about to walk out with DS and refuse to bring him back. No excuse, I know, but I now refuse to feel so awful about it for the rest of my life. I don't think I am now 'an abuser'. I do think my ex is though.

Talk about it together and resolve not to let things get into this state again. You're both going through a very hard time at the moment, though his comments about you doing nothing are preposterous (and verbally abusive in themselves). He seems to have acknowledged this so I hope you can sort things out.

You feel bad and he feels bad and he's reached out to you and said he's sorry that's all a really good sign.

There's a reason that some countries stop people being able to sleep as a form of Torture because going without decent sleep for days/weeks on end is Fucking Torture!

You both know that neither of you have acted well to one another today but you've said it's never happened before and you both sound exhausted.
So give each other a break and yourselves and talk tonight when your LO is asleep and see if there's anything you can do differently to support one another more when your both feeling so tired and fed up.

I don't know how old your DC is or if there is anyone that would help out but if you have got a close family member/friend that would have your DC for a couple of hours one day so that you can catch up on a couple of hours of sleep take them up on the offer!

Feeling rested even if it's just once a week for a couple of hours would do you the world of good.

So many posters excusing your behaviour. You hit him.
Lots of people are stressed and sleep deprived but don't assault their partners.
You said you think it was an accident that he banged into you. Are you making excuses for him? Would it be ok to hit someone in the supermarket if they banged into you?
Did either of you seek help after leaving your past abusive relationships?

I think calling you lazy when you are on your knee's with tiredness is going to push most peoples button , it is not right that you hit him , it is not right that he barged past you , will let the casual cunting slide as this is something you are happy with in your relationship .
Is there any way you could find a childminder who might do the occasional day for you , so if you feel really at the end of your tether you could drop DD off and get home and get some sleep , I appreciate you might not have the funds for this idea ?

A 9 month old that will not be put down & just wants you is draining. There was 'An Incident' that, when I think about it, still scares me.

He called you, not jokingly, a cunt. Unacceptable. Even if used jokingly at other times.

He pushed/barged into you.

He called you LAZY when YOU are dealing with a grizzly 9 month old, sleep deprivation & doing all the house work.

You lashed out & hit him. I'm unsurprised. I'm not saying it was great, but unless you're a lot bigger & stronger than him, or hit him in the face, I don't think the world us ending anytime soon.

It's good you've both apologised and hopefully you can talk about it properly tonight.

He needs to explain where 'You're lazy, just swanning around with the baby' came from, because saying sorry is not enough. The underlying resentment from both of you will still be there if you don't get to the bottom of that comment.

You both, especially given your previous abusive relationships, need to resolve not to ever lash out physically again, no matter what. No Matter What. Walk away. You both need to feel safe, not scared. His barging was as bad as your hitting.

You need to discuss what language is and isn't acceptable in anger. I, personally, think calling anyone a cunt or whatever isn't acceptable, but I have no objection to swearing. I'd say 'That was a fucking stupid thing to do!' But I'd never say 'You're a cunt'. (Unless in jest maybe, thanks to MN,)

You need to discuss your fears around DD's health.

You need to discuss him doing his share of looking after her & his home. He needs to be pulling his weight. He works, you're a SAHM. They both stop the minute he comes in the door and you are BOTH her parents and you BOTH live in the house.

I suggest you go away for the weekend (quiet hotel if you can afford it, or family, friends if not) and sleep, read, whatever. Leave him a list of jobs that need doing (the stuff you do daily) and give him a taste of 'being lazy swanning about with a baby). DD will cope just fine. It's her Daddy, not an alien, if you aren't there she'll be perfectly ok wth him looking after her.

Don't sweep any of this under the rug, it'll only continue to cause problems.

Oh & sort out whatever started the bickering this morning!

Essie - I don't think your perspective is skewed. DP and I don't either.

Not least because if he barged past me, I would probably be on the floor - he's a foot taller, and 50% heavier than me.

Barging is aggressive. Hitting is also aggressive. OP, I hope this was a one off and you do calm down and sort it out, but you said I know if he hit me I would of packed his stuff there and then

But barging doesn't count? Take care of yourself OP, it always starts with little, easy to deny things.

OP you guys need to have a serious heart to heart tonight. Because you have both been in abusive relationships before it is quite possible that you both have quite distorted boundaries when it comes to name calling and physical abuse - it is easy to fall back into old habits when emotions are high. This means that you need to be extra careful not to let either take root in this relationship.

I grew up in an emotionally abusive household. When I get angry with my kids it is the phrases my father used to throw at me that rise to my lips and I have to work really hard not to spit them out. My first instinct is also to escalate things really quickly rather than trying to calm things down (luckily dh is really even tempered). And I'm really rubbish at "sorry". I'm not proud of any of this, its just damage from early on. But I work really hard not to let it damage my family.

You hit your partner. But this is MN so its ok and understandable because youre a woman and posters will make endless excuses for you. I'm glad though that you yourself know it was a shit thing to do. The fact that its descended to this in a heated moment is a problem you both need to face before he 'presses your button' again and you lash out again and it becomes the norm. Well done for not buying into the raging prevalent MN misandry - for that I respect you. Dont hit your partner again.

ChocChoc I bet her dh told himself he'd never allow himself to be hit again. It works both ways.

Glad I'm not the only one musictomyears

Lesis are we on the same thread? As far as I can see, 1 single poster has excused the OP hitting her partner, several have berated her.

Mainly they've acknowledged its not suprising, though still not ok, in the context of exhaustion/argument/being pushed.

I really don't want excuses made for what I done this morning. I know it was wrong and it wasn't how I was raised my mum and dad never argued when we were growing up and if they ever did we never knew a thing about it. They were always playful and loving. My ex was very much into the mental abuse sometimes when I used to try and talk to him I used to feel like my head would explode and my chest would start hurting because he used to tell me to shut up constantly. It's horrible. I am considering ending it to be honest I've always said if any of us was to hit each other that would be that. If he had hit me I know I would of enforced that instantly. It's not fair on either of us.

Dont end it , just talk and come up with strategies to deal with stuff like this. Obviously if you get the urge to do it again, its an issue.

You use the word cunt as a term of endearment but yet he calls you a cunt in a derogatory way also; I'd not even have that word said in my home, it's vile.

You are both as bad as each other but to consider ending your relationship seems very final; I think he goaded you and you reacted so you are both equally to blame, probably more you as you hit him, neither of you have behaved good but is it really the end because of this, I am sure you can both sit down and discuss and ensure it never happens again, no? Or is there more to this.

Also the word cunt wouldn't bother me either. Its a collection of four letters and means nothing. Tone is what matters. Easy enough distinction to make.

Thats to the people offended by it, and in support of the OP.

No ones excusing you. (well maybe one poster)

Just acknowledging that you were both physically aggressive this morning. But no one is hurt. It was a complicated situation. Things aren't black and white.

With your updates, this is a one off event.
He has apologised and so have you.
Agree from now on that no name calling is permitted especially when you are working your arse off and exhausted.
Let it go!