Please tell me if I'm expecting too much

[honestanswersplease]

DP is lovely in many many ways. We are happy together most of the time. He spends most of his time at my house and we've been considering moving in together.

But, he doesn't communicate all that well, and if he's not happy about something he will get into a mood and (as I see it) take it out on me.

Last night out of nowhere as we were going to bed he got pissed off about something which seemed pretty trivial, along the lines of someone else in the household being inconsiderate. No big deal, I thought. I said I'd have a word (it's my house, so for me to sort out) but he didn't snap out of it right away and started giving me the cold shoulder.

We ended up with me in tears. He says I'm oversensitive. He says that it's normal for people to get stressed out and rant about things which are outside their control. I said that it's not outside his control, as if something is a problem and he tells me we can do something about it.

He wouldn't respond to that or talk about things at all. If I try to talk he gets defensive and says I just talk at him. He won't say how he feels. He says that I've got no reason to be upset. He will say tomorrow that it's not his fault at all. That it's entirely my fault because it's my reaction to him that is the problem rather than anything he's done.

I've been lying awake for hours in a separate bed trying to decide what to do. I can see his point of view, in that if I'd just paid no attention to his moaning he probably would have got over it in the end and there wouldn't have been an argument. But why should I lie in bed in silence while I wait for him to snap out of it?!

So what I wanted to ask was, am I expecting too much of him? Am I being unfair by basically expecting him to be perfect, as i'm getting upset every time he is in a mood about something? He's so lovely most of the time, which I think is why I find it so upsetting, as he's like a different person when this happens.

Do other peoples partners / husbands do this? I need to decide whether I can live with this and find ways to cope with it, or whether it's time to walk away, and I honestly don't know whether I'm expecting too much of him. We have a good relationship most of the time and he is a kind loving partner, and he puts up with my faults, so maybe I'm being intolerant of his? I could really do with some outside perspective before our alarms go off and I have to face him

Was this about one of your children making a noise and when does he have to get up? And what did him getting pissed off look like?
If he has to be up at 6, your teenager was playing loud music and he muttered 'ffs how inconsiderate', then that's a different situation from a toddler wanting water and him screaming and punching the pillow when he's not working tomorrow/ today.
I hope you got some rest

No, another adult in the household cooking at 10pm, which she does from time to time. Doesn't bother me, but if he'd told me before now that it was a problem I could have done something about it.

It's not that he's unreasonable in not wanting her to do it, it's the fact that he chooses to deal with it by ranting at me out of nowhere. He says he's just venting. It doesn't seem to matter to him that his venting is pretty unpleasant to be around.

He basically went on at length about how inconsiderate she was being. I probably made things worse, as I said that he makes noise after ten as well (from a 'we should all try to rub along' perspective, rather than having a go).

Oh, and we're both up at 6 this morning. But he wasn't woken up by her, she was just downstairs for a few minutes as we were going to bed.

I think it's a red flag OP. If he does that now...gets shitty with YOU because of something another adult does, then what's the future hold?

Do you have children?

So do I

But then I wonder if I'm blowing it out of proportion, maybe if I'd just said 'yes dear' and gone to sleep it would all have been fine. That's basically his argument, that it's my reaction which is the actual problem.

He would say he wasn't being shitty with me, he was just venting.

No kids together. I have 2.

My rule is:

"You can't always choose how you feel, but you can always choose how to behave.

It's your house. I really don't think he should be shouting the odds about your housemate's cooking habits. What has it to do with him? If he doesn't like it he should bloody well take himself off to his own home.

To clarify: he can choose how to behave. He shouldn't be shouting at you because he doesn't like someone else's behaviour.

Sounds like my husband, tbh it's the one thing we argue about (that and household stuff)

That's the most ridiculous thing about it, if she's disturbing him by cooking that late I can have a word with her and it wouldn't be a problem. There was just no need for any of this.

Lochan I agree with that, and I'm no pushover, but maybe he has a point that I could've just treated it as him venting and shouldn't have got upset.

Monkeypuzzle how do you deal with it? Is it something you're happy to live with? maybe I can learn to ignore it, if that's actually what he wants

So he's allowed to vent but you aren't allowed to respond? Or defend your housemate?

You're just meant to pat him in the head and say "yes dear"?

Everyone runs their relationships differently but that really wouldn't work for me I'm afraid.

He ranted at you because of what you're housemate did....your housemate has a RIGHT to cook in her own home!

How is he with your kids OP?

It's not really even that. I don't think he has a problem with me responding, but if that leads to an argument (or i guess if I choose not to respond and he lies in silence for however long it takes to finish venting) then he literally thinks that there is no problem and nothing for me to be upset about. He seems to genuinely believe this.

What is a problem is me trying to talk about it, and then getting upset.

We argue a lot about it, I'm quick to anger too but I've learnt to control it more. To me, he shouts when he's frustrated (by DIY for example) but I hate hearing that I'm the house, he says why are you bothered it's not aimed at you, I'm just venting. He does snap at me though which is what causes arguments.
I can't give you an honest answer really as I'm hacked off with him ATM for shouting over the weekend

He's great with my kids but, of course, one of my big worries is that given time he might start doing this to / in front of them

I think it depends on everyone's reactions tbh. How did he react exactly to the person cooking at 10 PM? Because if he'd just said "bloody hell that's a bit inconsiderate, now the house is going to smell of curry all night," then it's just a reaction, in the same way that I might vent about my neighbours two year old being allowed to scream and scream and scream for an hour every morning from 5:30 AM. He might not want to make a big deal of it, just opine about it, in the same way I do.

And how did you react? If you said "yeah I agree it is a bit," and then left it at that, then it's not a big deal. But if you said "FFS why does it matter and why do you have to make this big deal about it," and on and on I can see where he gets the notion that it's your reaction that is the issue. Iyswim.

Sometimes we vent. Fwiw I do have incredibly noisy neighbours and i have vented about that before. But I'd never actually say anything to them or want to do anything about it, it's just me expressing a view that they're bloody noisy and that with an adjoining house letting your two yo scream and scream isn't conducive to a good night's sleep. But if my DP started making a big deal of me saying something then I do think it would cause unnecessary arguments because that wasn't the intention...

So he's a do as I say, not as I do kind of person?

He can get moody and angry and you just say "yes dear"?

Don't think so, do you?

It was more than "bloody hell", along those lines but much more prolonged. And I pretty much said I'd talk to her about it as he hadn't said it was a problem before. Things went downhill when he then wasn't his usual self because he was in a mood about it and I tried to talk to him about it, and then got upset when he wouldn't snap out of it. In amongst that I probably accidentally said things which rubbed him up the wrong way.

Anyway it looks like the decision has been made as he's packing up his stuff.

My dad is like this, and has been for years. My mum walks on egg shells constantly to try and avoid him having a strop.
As he's got older, it's got worse and his moods last for weeks. He blanks her, withdraws affection. It's shit to watch and I wouldn't wish it on anybody.
Let him leave. He sounds like a cock.

What was the issue with this person cooking if it didn't wake him up? Was it the smell? Was he hungry?

The niggle for me here is, he's venting at you about someone who is presumably helping out with finances by paying rent. Someone who has more legal right to be in the house than him.

If he makes you feel uncomfortable about this person, then the alternative is what... him moving in instead?

This is exactly what happened in one of my relationships. In my case, the boyfriend was trying to control me and, slowly but surely, got rid of anyone who got in his way by making life really difficult for me by creating issues where there shouldn't have been issues.

It might not be the same as my situation, but you have spent the night in tears, in a separate bed, over... what was that non-issue again?

What would you say to a friend who told you this story?

He doesn't have a right to dictate the lifestyle of another adult in theirs and your (not his!) home. Of course being considerate of those you live with is important but I don't see the problem with choosing to cook something for a few minutes at 10pm and neither do you. Don't have a word with your housemate, your DP has no right to try and dictate to her through you.

He was being unreasonable, you were right to call him out on him making noise after 10 as well. He's now turned it all round on you and got you doubting yourself.

This would be a red flag for me where moving in together's concerned, even more so as you have children.

He's not though. He's lovely, and I don't think he means to do it, I think he truly just hates having conversation s about relationship stuff and maybe if I just cut him a bit of slack on that we'd be fine and we'd find a balance that works for us.

But not if he won't accept that he's got any responsibility at all for any of this.