Please tell me if I'm expecting too much

[honestanswersplease]

DP is lovely in many many ways. We are happy together most of the time. He spends most of his time at my house and we've been considering moving in together.

But, he doesn't communicate all that well, and if he's not happy about something he will get into a mood and (as I see it) take it out on me.

Last night out of nowhere as we were going to bed he got pissed off about something which seemed pretty trivial, along the lines of someone else in the household being inconsiderate. No big deal, I thought. I said I'd have a word (it's my house, so for me to sort out) but he didn't snap out of it right away and started giving me the cold shoulder.

We ended up with me in tears. He says I'm oversensitive. He says that it's normal for people to get stressed out and rant about things which are outside their control. I said that it's not outside his control, as if something is a problem and he tells me we can do something about it.

He wouldn't respond to that or talk about things at all. If I try to talk he gets defensive and says I just talk at him. He won't say how he feels. He says that I've got no reason to be upset. He will say tomorrow that it's not his fault at all. That it's entirely my fault because it's my reaction to him that is the problem rather than anything he's done.

I've been lying awake for hours in a separate bed trying to decide what to do. I can see his point of view, in that if I'd just paid no attention to his moaning he probably would have got over it in the end and there wouldn't have been an argument. But why should I lie in bed in silence while I wait for him to snap out of it?!

So what I wanted to ask was, am I expecting too much of him? Am I being unfair by basically expecting him to be perfect, as i'm getting upset every time he is in a mood about something? He's so lovely most of the time, which I think is why I find it so upsetting, as he's like a different person when this happens.

Do other peoples partners / husbands do this? I need to decide whether I can live with this and find ways to cope with it, or whether it's time to walk away, and I honestly don't know whether I'm expecting too much of him. We have a good relationship most of the time and he is a kind loving partner, and he puts up with my faults, so maybe I'm being intolerant of his? I could really do with some outside perspective before our alarms go off and I have to face him

"Pathetic whimpering" may have been the first time he's verbally articulated his disdain of you but I promise you, it isn't the first time he's thought it. I don't think he has a problem communicating, he's made it very clear how he feels and how he feels about you when things aren't going his way. The bigger problem is what he's communicating, not how and your focus on the how, blnds you to the more important what.

While I appreciate you're prepared to make comprimises to accommodate his 'issues' he shown very little indication that he acknowledges that he has them. I personally think he'll use his 'thinking time' to temporarily moderate his behaviour in order to get back to the status quo ASAP.

Every relationship dynamic has its players and you play the soother and smoother of problems, is that what you really want? To be seen as the calming understanding one and him the fiery one that needs placating. The idea that you would have considered talking to your flat mate had you have known of your bf's dissatisfaction, is staggering, he's a guest FFS!

Your boundaries need shoring up and better policing because you've done a very good impression up until now that his wants take priority. It takes the efforts of two to have an unbalanced relationship.

The pathetic whimpering comment you seem to have forgiven already, as a heat of the moment thing, you say you haven't always conducted yourself well in an argument. Have you ever said anything so nasty to
him? It may be the first time he has been so cruel, but I suspect not the last.

As hard as it may seem now, if you continue with this relationship you are opening yourself up to a lifetime of misery.

I feel sorry for your DC because he will turn on them. It's a matter of time.

Oops, he let his mask slip a little too soon. He will not fancy the idea of starting over with someone else so be prepared for the extra nice-nice with icing and a cherry on top. Or the polar opposite tactic of shaming you (to pull you back to toeing his line of expectations for you) for having self respect (because he certainly doesn't respect you so stop with the rediculous idea that you deserve respect already).

Please don't fall for it.
It doesn't sound like you will.
The room mate episode is probably act one scene one of weeding people away from you (-it is a guess to predict a pattern based on the first instance, but taken as a part of the whole dynamic with this bloke-imho, I wouldn't be surprised).

Packing his kit and running away was designed to shock you. He is very serious about what his expectations are: this is his truth.

The back tracking is a strategy. He said "sorry"...but did he apologize for his behavior (implying it is no good-you are not meant to complete his sentences for him or to read his mind). Sorry you got up set? Nope-that is the same as insulting someone then saying sorry if you were offended (but not sorry for the original insult!).

I agree he is not a bad communicator. I agree this is the tip of the iceberg-when he moves in I would expect it to get much worse.

Identifying the exact flaw, or pin pointing the offending behavior and give chance after chance to establish meaningful relief from it are good exercises but,imho, not necessary. Simply put, you are not compatible. A doctoral disertation proving it is unnecessary-you do not need to justify your feelings. He certainly isn't going to justify his feelings (unless it is a vehicle to shame you back into his template for you- not exactly sincere then).

I don't think he has a problem with communication. But I do think he has a problem communicating in a respectful mannerror. Because he doesn't feel respectful. Sorry.

fuck this, hes showing you who he is and he wont change. RED FLAG.

I haven't read the whole thread but the ranting thing will only get worse. My H does it and when I call him out on it him he gets even more outraged, denies he does, it is still grumpy at me now from a weekend incident about it. TBH I thinking of divorce so my advice is get out now.