Please tell me if I'm expecting too much

[honestanswersplease]

DP is lovely in many many ways. We are happy together most of the time. He spends most of his time at my house and we've been considering moving in together.

But, he doesn't communicate all that well, and if he's not happy about something he will get into a mood and (as I see it) take it out on me.

Last night out of nowhere as we were going to bed he got pissed off about something which seemed pretty trivial, along the lines of someone else in the household being inconsiderate. No big deal, I thought. I said I'd have a word (it's my house, so for me to sort out) but he didn't snap out of it right away and started giving me the cold shoulder.

We ended up with me in tears. He says I'm oversensitive. He says that it's normal for people to get stressed out and rant about things which are outside their control. I said that it's not outside his control, as if something is a problem and he tells me we can do something about it.

He wouldn't respond to that or talk about things at all. If I try to talk he gets defensive and says I just talk at him. He won't say how he feels. He says that I've got no reason to be upset. He will say tomorrow that it's not his fault at all. That it's entirely my fault because it's my reaction to him that is the problem rather than anything he's done.

I've been lying awake for hours in a separate bed trying to decide what to do. I can see his point of view, in that if I'd just paid no attention to his moaning he probably would have got over it in the end and there wouldn't have been an argument. But why should I lie in bed in silence while I wait for him to snap out of it?!

So what I wanted to ask was, am I expecting too much of him? Am I being unfair by basically expecting him to be perfect, as i'm getting upset every time he is in a mood about something? He's so lovely most of the time, which I think is why I find it so upsetting, as he's like a different person when this happens.

Do other peoples partners / husbands do this? I need to decide whether I can live with this and find ways to cope with it, or whether it's time to walk away, and I honestly don't know whether I'm expecting too much of him. We have a good relationship most of the time and he is a kind loving partner, and he puts up with my faults, so maybe I'm being intolerant of his? I could really do with some outside perspective before our alarms go off and I have to face him

Yes my dh has done stuff like this. Started when I was in my 20s. I was naive and young and I thought it was my fault. He did it regularly until about 2 years ago when I threatened to leave. He's toned it down now. Its more subtle and "softer". Im in my 50s now. He was lovely and kind in between times too. He was always sorry too. Every single time.. im partly financially dependent on him now. Im trying to get the courage to leave. I work full time but on a not very good wage. The rest of my life will be a struggle whatever I decide either emotionally or financially. Ive seen a solicitor and am trying to work out the logistics. I dont have any family I can go to. Please dont be me. I would give anything to be you. To have my own place where anybody who treated me like shit would get shown the door sharpish.

It reads to me like he is trying to control the household before he moves in and he'll be worse once youve made a commitment. Take this as a warning

Is he echoing some pattern he saw between mother and father? Where his father shouted and his mother put up with it, but got upset and he felt incredibly angry with both of them, hence the rage at pathetic whimpering..

Sometimes things are so deeply imprinted people don't even know why they get so angry. Something's triggering his rage at you challenging him; it is as if he doesn't want to acknowledge he was ever even angry and that you want to stop him being upset [over the cooking I mean] Could you ask him about that ,and see what his response is, just to set your mind at rest. If he really is a nice person, he will have the choice to examine his own response, and what is triggering him, rather than it being about your reaction to him, which is what at the moment is being shut down. Just an idea, if he is worth testing.

His comments sound so incredibly cold and unloving..where do you think they are coming from? Some remembered put down from one adult to another, a school setting, a bullying employer? It is quite chilling to think of someone talking like this to another person.

He'll have his feet back under the table before the week is out

You don't sound done, op.

How much rent isn't he paying? He sounds awful

He sounds like the type who will slowly wear you down.

I agree with knitting with nettles, that he seems to have learnt this pattern of behaviour as his normal, but I suspect he cannot explain it and won't WANT to think about why he's wired this way, because doing that would be talking a bout feelings!
OP, I think you hit the nail on the head when you said he isn't capable, of saying how he feels, or being rational about it.

I'm afraid it would be very hard for him to change this, even if he really wanted to, and isn't even close to wanting to. I was with someone similar for 4 years, and it didn't improve, just got more painful trying to not be upset, and to hide feeling he wouldn't want to see.

Its really sad to let it go, when you love him, but I think he will just keep hurting you (and personally, I don't think he's trying to control you, he's just unable to deal with what you feel, or he feels).

He's testing you every time you smooth it over, every time you tolerate this bullshit is the worse it will get

What happens if there's a real disaster he's going to stand there ranting at you

He's already telling you what he wants do you want to be yes dearing for the rest of you life

He complains that everything is out of his control, but is happy to accuse you of pathetic wimpering in your own bed and force you out of it? Those 2 things don't add up. I also think that if does have a problem with your housemate; he should be the one to discuss it with them rather you having to be an embarassed go-between.
He has some very un-lovely traits.

He isn't abusive or controlling on any normal understanding of those words.

He is very kind and loving. He really cares for me. I know all of those things to be true with absolute certainty.

The way he was brought up, and the way he's always lived, it's clearly normal to have a rant about something which pisses you off and then move on once you're over it. And plenty of people are like that, so if I was the sort of person who could ignore the occasional outburst we'd be fine.

But that's not how I am, so if I hear that he's got an issue I want to talk about it and solve it together. He can't do that and shuts down so I get frustrated and upset, which he can't handle, which makes things worse.

He doesn't want to control me or my household, his actual position is that it's my decision, he just wants a free pass to moan if he doesn't like it.

His end game isn't making me do what he wants, he'd rather not decide and complain. The problem is that he won't (or can't) do what I want, which is to act like a grown up and take part in making joint decisions which are his responsibility as well as mine.

And the bigger issue is that he won't (or can't) discuss any of this or grasp where I'm coming from, which is why he genuinely thinks I'm over reacting.

I'll talk to him if he wants to talk, but the only way I could even consider continuing with him will be if we've talked about this properly and I can see that he has understood, and knows where the lines are. There's no point otherwise, as if not we're just deferring the inevitable.

I don't care if he thinks I'm being too sensitive or emotional about things. This is a take it or leave it situation.

So many men on here are deemed with some sort of criminal mastermind like grand plan ...aside from obvious exceptions, they're usually just shit communicators.

That's all it is, he's a really really shit communicator.

He thinks that the relationship otherwise being great makes up for that, and I don't.

I hear you completely. Communication is the absolute cornerstone of a healthy relationship, without it there is nothing because all the trust and intimacy you think you have can all be destroyed in a second.

Ok op. You can:

a) go back and forth on this 20-30 times, with him 'moving out' and saying sorry and then coming back to do it all over again for the next few years (while your kids silently watch and digest the fact that this is what life looks like)

OR

b) say 'Sorry, we're too different on this point and it's making me unhappy. Best if we split up, because my feelings are just as important as yours' now and save yourself a lot of frustration and wasted time.

I strongly suggest you choose option B. Sorry, I know you haven't posted on this before but really, I can see the future here and you've got two choices. Choose wisely, 'cos he won't change and you shouldn't have to make yourself miserable in order to accomodate that.

The venting is one thing but the moods and strops are controlling whether you want to admit it or not. There is nothing wrong with wanting to solve issues together. It IS controlling to throw your opinion out there then shut down any discussion about it then have a toddler huff about it. I wouldn't allow my children to behave like that. And why is it always men that are described as shit communicators to cover up what is abusive behaviour. I'm fairly certain that having the extra skin for a penis did not mean my dh had to sacrifice the part of his brain that allows him to communicate like an adult with me.
Dh and I can both be venters at times. His reaction is to try and fix my problem mine is to let him get it over and done with. After that neither on of us huffy or gives the other the cold shoulder. Neither reaction means one of us spends the night in the spare room fretting all night and the other huffing off in the morning. If he was genuinely sorry he would have hugged and talked this morning. What actually happened was you didn't beg and chase so he is texting sorry now to soften you up.

You sound really strong OP and I think you know the right decision is B. You can still value him as an individual and respect him, but that doesn't mean you have to LIVE WITH HIM or have a relationship with him, however tempting that might be.

Just talking to a friend whose father recently died, who is still coming to terms with the fact that his mother's life was made a misery by his father's similar behaviour, although he loved his father dearly and his mother loved his father dearly and his father loved his mother dearly. Still, she paid the price of feeling he was a "nice person underneath" and I think the children bore the scars of walking on eggshells round this person and the way it affected them emotionally, because he would never admit He had a problem

The thing is, it takes effort to stop being an shit communicator. And it is quite another thing to admit you are one, and then try to be better. But to just apologise for the fact that you misunderstood each other without taking any responsibility for CHANGE that is a deal breaker.

It is so easy to see saw back and forth though, after a fight, the relief of someone being nice of the "true self" (which may of course be a false self) remerging of that nice kind man, anyone would be tempted to give it another go. But I wouldn't, unless he can commit to working on his responses or to therapy or just SOMETHING...or a long separation where you examine what you both want from each other.

LooksBetterWithAFilter I agree.

Op this is more than shit communication. You're minimising what he said to you, his actions. 'Pathetic whimpering' is nasty, abusive. You then left your bedroom for the night while he stayed in your bed. He packed up and left instead of staying to talk and apologise in the morning.

The message? You have to accept being treated like this or I'll leave.

In your posts you've questioned whether you should have put up with his ranting in silence, had said you'd speak to the female adult in your household even though you've said yourself she did nothing wrong. You were already second guessing yourself, walking on eggshells, trying to appease him. This sort of behaviour from him will affect your DCs negatively whatever their ages.

Shit communication would be not telling you about his feelings, forgetting to tell you about plans he'd made, or taking half an hour to get to the point.

Saying that "he didn't want to hear my pathetic whimpering" was downright cruel and nasty. It was said deliberately to hurt you.

That's all it is, he's a really really shit communicator.

No - he is an excellent communicator! He lets you know exactly what is going on, how unhappy he is, how pathetic you are.

You want honest but are not in any way prepared to listen. On your head be it.

Just out of interest, does the housemate pay you rent?

If yes and you start to dictate that she can't do things that will upset your non-rent paying bf you will probably find yourself housemate free and a source on income down.

I would put off moving him in and let him stay at his own place a bit more often if he isn't happy with the setup at yours.

I also think you'll have him back and I don't ghink this will be the last post about him on MN. Sorry.

"Pathetic whimpering" was completely out of character. Don't get me wrong, cruel and utterly unacceptable, but the first time he's ever spoken to me in such a way, and he knows he went too far. I can't claim to have conducted myself perfectly in every argument I've ever had, so as a one-off I'm forgiving that, although not forgetting.

He wants to know whether we can sort things out. I've told him that's down to him, as it can only happen if he makes the changes needed. He's thinking about that, which I guess shows that he understands that saying sorry and changing nothing isn't going to cut it.

For those of you saying you'll see me back on here, I agree that if we try again that may turn out to be the wrong decision, but it will only happen once.

How long are you together? I hope he takes on board the changes as adults need to take responsibility and change if necessary.

I don't agree with "shit communicator" as it about how he's expressing his emotions, his sense of entitlement.I am just out of an abusive relationship with a seemingly lovely guy who adored me but over the years his ability to express emotions in a healthy way just got worse.
Would he rant at work? Would you tolerate your children doing this? If I upset my partner I hope I would take it on board as why should another adult just tolerate your moods.
I did suffer with pmt and tried to take responsibility by seeing the GP, knowing when it would be and trying to warn my ex that I maybe irritable.I did this because it's disrespectable to assume a partner should tolerate bad behaviour.

I flat share and one of the others does sometimes come in early morning (shift work)and start cooking. I have trouble sleeping anyway (old lady bladder so up every couple of hours). It doesn't bother me. Only when it smells really nice and I wish it was my meal!

Saying that "he didn't want to hear my pathetic whimpering" was downright cruel and nasty. It was said deliberately to hurt you.

I would say to him that you won't speak to him until he stops being so rude and childish. Twat.