Please tell me if I'm expecting too much

[honestanswersplease]

DP is lovely in many many ways. We are happy together most of the time. He spends most of his time at my house and we've been considering moving in together.

But, he doesn't communicate all that well, and if he's not happy about something he will get into a mood and (as I see it) take it out on me.

Last night out of nowhere as we were going to bed he got pissed off about something which seemed pretty trivial, along the lines of someone else in the household being inconsiderate. No big deal, I thought. I said I'd have a word (it's my house, so for me to sort out) but he didn't snap out of it right away and started giving me the cold shoulder.

We ended up with me in tears. He says I'm oversensitive. He says that it's normal for people to get stressed out and rant about things which are outside their control. I said that it's not outside his control, as if something is a problem and he tells me we can do something about it.

He wouldn't respond to that or talk about things at all. If I try to talk he gets defensive and says I just talk at him. He won't say how he feels. He says that I've got no reason to be upset. He will say tomorrow that it's not his fault at all. That it's entirely my fault because it's my reaction to him that is the problem rather than anything he's done.

I've been lying awake for hours in a separate bed trying to decide what to do. I can see his point of view, in that if I'd just paid no attention to his moaning he probably would have got over it in the end and there wouldn't have been an argument. But why should I lie in bed in silence while I wait for him to snap out of it?!

So what I wanted to ask was, am I expecting too much of him? Am I being unfair by basically expecting him to be perfect, as i'm getting upset every time he is in a mood about something? He's so lovely most of the time, which I think is why I find it so upsetting, as he's like a different person when this happens.

Do other peoples partners / husbands do this? I need to decide whether I can live with this and find ways to cope with it, or whether it's time to walk away, and I honestly don't know whether I'm expecting too much of him. We have a good relationship most of the time and he is a kind loving partner, and he puts up with my faults, so maybe I'm being intolerant of his? I could really do with some outside perspective before our alarms go off and I have to face him

So basically he's allowed to express opinions and emotions but you are not?

Because that's not sustainable.

I'm sorry you are upset though.

Thank you everyone, I needed this.

He's gone and it's the right decision, however happy we are most of the time, these stupid arguments aren't going away.

What do you mean, "He's gone"? To work? Walked out in a strop? You've ended it?

Have you posted about this before? Is this about your daughter (and her friends?) cooking full meals at 10pm when, realisitically, most people who have to get up for work at 6 in the morning are often trying to get to sleep?

Tough now but moving in together would have been a bad idea. He was trying to control things in your home, what if he'd started 'venting' about your children in the same way.

No, I've never posted about this before. And whether he was actually disturbed (he wasn't) is rather beside the point, as there was no argument about that.

The argument was about how he handled his frustrations and how apparently I'm not allowed react (or I am but it doesn't matter if we fight, or perhaps I am if I do it in a very specific acceptable way, or perhaps he has some other position - who knows as he won't talk to me).

I said last night before I went into the other room that I didn't see how we could continue like this, and it appears that he's taken me at my word.

Ah, I only wondered because there was a very similar thread a while ago.

Well, if he took flight that easily, is a stroppy arse and won't talk about emotional stuff sensibly, you're probably better of without him.

It's not the first time we've had this sort of argument so he will probably be sending me messages later today / tomorrow thinking we can sort things out.

Are you ok, OP? It's ironic that the relationship where the issue was his inability to communicate, has ended by him packing his bags and leaving without saying a word...

Do you think this is it, from your point of view? Will you refuse his requests/demands to come back?
If this has become a pattern, it's one that doesn't work for you.

Sounds like a massive big girls blouse to me. Ive got a friend who is the saem girlfriend and fsmily move into his house. He doesnt like one bit of noise when he goes to bed at 10pm kinda of difficult with 4 teenage kids in the house. Anyway everything has to be his way so his girlfriend bends over backwards to accommodste his everywhim and desire. The things she puts up with just because hes got a few quid. I think you are right your other half needs to man up and tell you in an adult way what the issues are and how you as a couple can work at accommodsting each other. He just sounds like a petulant vhild...sorry.

He won't make demands, he isn't in a position to, I can manage just fine on my own.

If he actually talked to me properly and admitted his part in things and came up with some strategies for change I'd consider it but I think that's beyond him

Steve again that's what's so daft about all of this, part of his issue last night was he says he is just venting at me because it's not his house so he has no control. I've said to him more than once that as he's practically living with me I want to know his opinions so we can make decisions together. So as far as I can tell he doesn't want control, he just wants the undeterred right to moan at me

What your housemate does in her home is none of his business! I cannot see why she was being 'inconsiderate'.

He just sounds like a childish wanker. There was no reason for him to be pissed off in the first place and definitely no reason to be pissed off with you. Ditch and move on.

No, he does want control. And he is punishing you for not bending to it by withdrawing communication. Which is part of the training to get you and the house totally under his control. You don't have to spend a lot of time reading threads on here to see dozens of instances where the OP didn't end it at this stage and it has gone on for so long that they are then unable to break free.

I really don't think those are his reasons, conscious or otherwise.

But it doesn't really matter what the cause is. It's not ok.

I'm afraid I think you are well rid. I don't think it's the last you'll be hearing from him but I doubt he will apologise for being an arse.

Funny how it is text book though. all these men acting all unconsciously in exactly the same way when their partners do not do what they want.

Please do not enter into some negotiation about it. Because once they have that control, they tend to back punish you for the earlier misdemeanour.

You asked for other peoples experience of this.
Well my DH used to do it more and he / we have dealt / are dealing with it. The sulking is unacceptable. He has accepted it's not the way to behave and that as others have said, we can control how we behave.
It's an old pattern he falls back to (probably as a result of his childhood) but when he starts getting PA or sulky I call him out on it and he behaves better - because he knows that he can and he should.

I honestly dont know what the answer is. MYbe its pride thing, maybe he feels inadequate in some way because its your house. Whatever the reason id seriously question his attitude. I manage a large team of professional men Nd velieve me men are bigger devas than women. Tantrums, sulking, bitching, throwing a strop because they dont get their own way. Im lucky i managed all of those types out of the buisness . If he doesnt start axting like an adult you may need yo consider doing the same and find yourself somebody who acts like a frown up. I wish you the best of luck with it, it cNt be easy for you.

Excuse typos sausaGe fingers and dainty phone keyboard.

He doesn't want his opinion to be challenged, just like he sees your emotional response to his rant as a challenge he doesn't want to deal with. This behaviour will creep into other areas too and if he's trained you right, you'll be treading on eggshells and hiding your emotions before you know it. It's immature and you can't conpensate for another adults immaturity, I mean seriously does he really think that your flat mate should accommodate his sensibilities? You say he's practically moved in, therefore she has more right to object to his near constant presence than he has to complain about her late night cooking, entitled much?

It doesn't matter if he's behaviour is intentional or not but by refusing to acknowledge that he's responsible for his behaviour, he's letting you know that he isn't prepared to change it. The message he's sending you is very clear, accept his behaviour without question, whilst allowing him to dictate yours. Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Don't let him control the narrative by sloping off to reappear later and act like nothing's happened, if he wants to be treated like an adult, he has to act like one and if he's not prepared to act like one, then he doesn't get to have a relationship with a grown up like you.

I agree with PPs that this is a control thing. He throws a stop and behaves badly- you challenge him so he packs up and leaves. You are upset and he worms his way back in. Gradually you will modify your behaviour and avoid situations that are likely to upset him. You think he's a lovely man but he's not.

Thanks everyone. I'm really struggling to reconcile my picture of him as a nice guy with these comments, he's so kind and understanding and loving most of the time.

Last night when I started to cry he told me that he didn't want to hear my pathetic whimpering, so I guess I just need to keep remembering that

"Pathetic Wimpering", hold onto those words.

So what's the plan? Are you waiting for the inevitable the expectation that you develop amnesia or are you going to take control and start policing your own boundaries by telling this man baby to jog on?

This is your relationship too, don't let him get away with dictating how and when you're allowed to express your opinions.